Another new week

I had a long blog mostly done and the internet explorer crashed and I lost it all. So.........this will be much shorter and to the point.

I am doing ok. Nothing has changed much except Al has come and taken most of his stuff. He's found a basement suite in a friends house here in town and that makes me feel much better. At least he is safe and with friends and not alone and distraught as he was last week.

I've had a day or two of anger but I didn't share it with him and after talking to him on the phone on friday I realize again how much pain he is in. When we don't talk and we haven't been really as we both just cry and it is pretty disjointed and incoherent so we mostly just communicate by email, my imagination takes over and my mind goes to a lot of places I really don't want to go. When I tried to sleep I had dreams of running into him and he was with some unknown blonde woman and it just did me in. I know that at least right now that is not what is going on. There is no woman, there is no affair, there is just his depression and breakdown. He knows I love him and that I am here for him if he needs me and that is all he will let me help with. He says everytime he sees me or talks to me he just screws me up all over again. I am still after him to get to the doctor and get some help and he is still saying he can't right now. So thank god he has moved where he has and has friends upstairs he can talk to. At least I know they will keep an eye on him. He's been to see two of the boys and I'm glad he's been able to do that.

I am hyperactive and need to keep moving and busy and keep my mind occupied. I'm very tired but not sleeping properly. I fall asleep exhausted and then wake up in a few hours and lay there running things through my mind over and over. I can feel my liver but am ignoring it right now. I know stress is hurting me so I am still getting things in order and how I need them to be. I am going to work extra hours at work but will do it at home in the evenings and weekends to keep my mind occupied. It is all computer work so no physical exertion required. By keeping extensive notes during the day it helps my fuzzy mind and absent mindedness and I'm staying on top of things at work.

We have a big open house coming up in May and I need to have the webpage as finished and up to date as possible with pictures of each plant and tree. I am also keeping on top of our plant database and new spring stock coming in. We want to streamline our tagging and pricing as we don't have the manpower to be changing prices and tags on all the nursery stock twice a year as stuff grows. So we've been working on that as well. I have to get our first catalog done and ready for May as well as for our big trade show (CanWest) in September. The tree relocation business has gotten extremely busy and we have several huge jobs coming up over the next months. So work will keep me very busy and that is a good thing. Jude is not in the position to give me a raise right now but said to put in as many hours as I like over the weekends and evening and get a raise of sorts that way. I plan on doing just that.

The boys are all busy. Ryan is here with me and it is so nice to come home and not find an empty house. We have decided to stay here for probably at least another year. The yard is fenced for the dogs and yes..........I still have Kody and Keesha. I just can't give up Kody unless Al wants to take him at some point. Right now he is my constant shadow. If I am sitting at my desk he is under my feet in the desk well, if I get up and move he moves with me. Geez even into the bathroom. I have to take him in with me or he cries at the door and when I do take him in he sits in front of me with one paw on my knee till we are done and move to the next location. Keesha spends most of the day sleeping on my bed but if I get upset at all she is right there as well and the two of them crowd in and sit looking at me with great concern. So they are great company and confort. They sleep by the bed at night and at any strange noise they are immediately on alert.

Josh was leaving yesterday for India and Dave and Allie were moving into a house so we had it all arranged I would take Josh in as far as Dave and Allies new place so I could see the house and get the baby kisses and snuggles. Dave would take Josh to the airport for me and I wouldn't have that long drive late at night in the rain. His flight was at 9:45pm. Ryan came in with us and we saw the house and I love it. Very cute and clean with lots of room and a fenced back yard for the baby. It is close to the beach in White Rock so this summer I'll be able to buzz in, pick up my baby girl and we can spend time at the beach and park. I'm looking so forward to it. Dave and Josh headed out for the airport and Ryan and I headed home. Quick shower and a light dinner in front of a movie was the plan. I checked my email and there was an email from Josh at the airport and he had totally screwed up and missed his flight. He was at the airport with no cell phone or phone numbers etc. I emailed him the phone numbers and he called. He has managed to book another flight out for today at an additional $1300.00 He is furious with himself. He stayed at a friends in town and will be back at the airport today but he wanted me to email his girlfriend with the new info and flight numbers etc. I've done that and hopefully it will still all work out for him. He'll email and keep me informed.

Well so much for a short and to the point blog!! I'm still working on the one day at a time mantra and the serenity prayer and as Peter said I just have to say God grant me the serenity and it helps. I have so much support from so many directions. I wish Al had the same. Hopefully he will reach out. We are all here for him when he decides he wants us.

The picture today was taken on the 15th of December. It was early in the morning and the piece of machinery in the front is one of our tree spades.

Monday

I am just not the type of person that curls up into a llittle ball and disolves in self pity. One day at a time. It's been almost 2 weeks since he left initially and the worst of the tears and poor me's are over. I am very very worried about him but I have done all that he will allow me to do and he just plain and simple does not want to be here. It doesn't matter why. He tells me he loves me and that it has absolutely nothing to do with me and anything I did or did not do. All I can really do now is take care of myself and be here for him should he decide he needs to talk. The tears are still very close to the surface but I am starting to be able to control my thoughts and emotions at work and save the tears for when I'm alone at night.

I spent the weekend informing my mom as to what is happening and trying to get myself organized and stable financially. Taken care of most of it and made some hard decisions. My youngest son is living here at the moment and he and I have discussed things and he will be staying here with me and will help out financially. Al is going to help towards maintaining things here as well. But what it does mean is I have to have my paycheque each month and cannot afford to be sick and on treatment. So today I finally phoned and cancelled the appointment. I know how badly stress affects me and that's part of the reason I felt the need to get things under control so I know exactly where I stand and what I can and cannot do. Now I have to stay on an even keel and get through the days one day at a time.

Consequently my weekend was very busy and involved a lot of driving in bad conditions. Dark and rainy nights are very hard for me as I think I have no night vision and the rain obscures things even more. I found myself all clenched up and it makes you very tired. Today I am back to work and tonight I am exhausted but I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders just by getting it all under control. Tonight I am resting and I'll get through the week. This next weekend will be one of rest. Unfortunately I am sleeping very little but I hope this will get better as the days go by. I can't say I'm not hurt and devastated by what has happened but I can deal with this. One day at a time. That's pretty much become my mantra. I say it to myself many times during the day. I can do this, one day at a time.

Carol, Sue, Peter, Miss Poppy, JJ and Hep C Boy your caring and support has helped really and truly. Thank you so much. My dad was an alcoholic and spent many years in AA. The serenity prayer I think works for many things and not just for people in AA.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. That's what I'm asking now.

Anne

Saturday

Al came this morning and it's over. He wants out. He says he still loves me but we don't want the same things anymore. i'm falling apart. I'll blog when i can.

Depression

He seems to have all the symptoms of depression. We have been in touch by email daily and he sounds so sad and in so much pain it kills me to read it. The boys initially because super protective of Mom but I've talked to all of them and asked them to give him some time. He emailed the boys and they have responded and we are all just in limbo waiting now. He has contacted his human resources at work and is seeking help. He isn't ready to come home. He may not ever be. One day at a time.

I went back to work for a few hours yesterday and will go each day now. I'm still having trouble controlling my emotions but for the most part have it under control.

One day at a time

Well today my life fell apart. My husband doesn't think he wants this anymore and for the time being while he figures it out, he has moved out. Right up until Tuesday I thought we had a good rock solid marriage. Maybe that proves that I haven't being paying enough attention. He is a good man and has done a wonderful job of helping me raise the boys. He put up with a year of treatment where I was so sick that for much of it I was not functioning. Maybe the burden of doing this for another year was just too much for him to contemplate right now. I just don't know.

I've decided to put off treatment for the time being as I have no idea what is going to be happening for the next little while. I cannot risk being too sick to work when I may be relying on only my paycheque. I have to take some time and figure out what happens next. If the split becomes permanent then I have to move into a smaller place that I can afford and I don't want to be trying to do that either while on treatment. One day at a time for the next while.

Drug trial

I got the 16 page consent form for the drug trial for the HIV drugs and I think I am going to give it a pass. It requires me being at the hospital almost every 2nd day for 22 days (I live an hour to an hour and a half away from the hospital depending on traffic) with 5 days of overnight stays where they take blood samples every half hour for 24 hours to test how the drugs are metabolizing. Two HIV drugs on top of my Hep C drugs. Sides sound similar to the Hep C sides so one on top of the other does not sound good. I guess also they have had one death. No final decision yet but am leaning very hard towards the no side at this moment.

Jan 27

January 27 is the day! I just got the call from the doctor's office and the approval is back. I wanted the appointment on a Friday so I have the weekend to recuperate. I am taking two weeks off to get started and then will head back to work and see how it goes from there.

We meet with the real estate lady (Carol Ann) tomorrow to look at a couple of condo's and anything else she may have in mind.

I haven't heard from the drug trial lady (Lilia) again so haven't received my informed consent form to read. Having second thoughts with this. We'll see what the consent form says.

Have a date with my husband tonight for dinner and a quiet evening. Sounds good after a full week.

Keesha has been to work with me 3 days this week and seems to be enjoying it. She has met Lily and Lily is no longer allowed in my desk area. Keesha guards it. I think she'll mellow out quite a bit as they get to know each other better. She is getting to know the guys and has stopped barking at them for the most part.

Wow! 3 weeks from today to get everything in order and ready for this. EEEEEKK!!

Doctor visit

Well, today was the day we got the paperwork rolling. The doc said it could be fairly quickly that it all comes together. He told me there is another study happening and it won't help me at all but if I am interested in it, they will pay me $1600.00 !! I asked for details and so far what I've been told is that they are looking for people just starting treatment that they can do a bunch of blood work on before you start. For three months they do nothing, they just let you get on with treatment. At the end of three months they put you in this clinic attached to the hospital for a couple of days and give you HIV drugs to see how they metabolize. He says the drugs are very benign and that I can quit at any time. I said I'd be interested in at least finding out what it's all about.

The girl called while I was still on the way home to say she had talked to the doctor and would email me through the info and talk to me again tomorrow to discuss what it all entails. I have no problem helping as long as it doesn't make me sick or sicker than I already am. We'll see after I've read the "informed consent" I have to deal with it before I start treatment because they need to have the bloodwork done before you start treatment of any sort. I'll know more when I've read it.

I got a gift certificate for Cole's or Chapters Books and they didn't have what I wanted in my town so we took the opportunity today to stop at the big Chapters in Vancouver while we were there and I got two good scrapbooking books. This time I refuse to lie around sick. If I can't go to work then I at least want to have my scrapbooking and computer and printer all ready to go. I was thinking the other night, last time I was on treatment I started in August. In September the 11th rolled around and I was home watching it all unfold on CNN. Then we had the Winter Olympics happen and I was home for that as well. So here we are four years later and I'm back on treatment watching the Olympics again. Maybe I'll do treatment every winter Olympic year! Not!! Ok more when I've had a chance to read the informed consent form for the other drug trial.

Christmas

See that happy gleefull look? He's happy cause he managed to switch his orange chocolate for Grandma's mint chocolate before Grandma got to her stocking. What can I say? Yes I raised him but at least he's happy and Grandma doesn't know the difference! He of course, hates the picture and demanded that I delete it immediately. Not!

Christmas is over for another year! We enjoyed it immensely and all got lots of cool stuff. The kids were all home, the baby was here and my brother brought Mom out for us. Al took care of cooking the turkey and putting on dinner and it was truly delicious! I got a gift certificate to Coles Books as well as a massage from the European Health Spa. The guys and I got that for Jude as well so her and I will be going together and getting a full body massage. MMMMMmmm can't wait! I also got a really nice leather purse. Al and I bought ourselves a play station 2 that we have been wanting. So I got him the steering wheel that went with the game as most of the games he likes are racing games.

We got Christina a kitchen and left if for Dave to put together. We also got her a 100 piece kichen food and grocery kit as well. David looked at it all and said we'll put it together at home and took it all out to the car. Well he phoned me this morning to see if we had looked at the instructions? I said no that was the "Daddy job". He said they were huge and there were a million pieces and at 2 in the morning he had said "Screw this!!" and went to bed. He was back at it and trying to get it together. I could hear Christina in the background bouncing up and down and yelling "Is my kitchen done yet? Is it done yet!!?" I just laughed at him. Pay back's a bitch as they say! :)

After dinner Al and I took Mom home and came home and collapsed into bed. I was a week of running around and getting all the last minute stuff done and I am truly shocked we managed to get it all accomplished. Al has an appointment today to go in and get his stereo installed in his truck. I am spending some quiet time cleaning up all the stuff everywhere and all the various kids are back to work. I don't go back until the 3rd and then I'm off to the Dr. on the 4th to get the paperwork started for the pharmacare.

We have an ad in the paper for Wednesday to try and find a home for Kody. The kitties are gone. A friend of Ryan's was moving into a new apartment and was looking for a kitty. Ryan said she could have them both and all the kitty supplies that went with them and so they went for it and took both kitties. Sirus is just a year old and neutered. Molly is under 6 months old. All their food, litter box, kitty dishes and place mat, their bed and their toys all went with them. Keesha goes to the groomer on Thursday and she is going to be very unhappy with that. It's going to be hard enough finding a place that will let us have a dog of her size without her being a mess. I got her onto the flea treatment as well. She will be coming to work with me once we get moved. In the mean time she is needed to guard the house, a job she does very well.

I'm worried about Al. When we were driving mom home on Christmas night he mentioned that his legs were feeling weird. He has a bad back and he has arteriosclerosis of the lower spine. His legs go to sleep often and he gets really bad leg, ankle and foot cramps. Anway he mentioned it was feeling weird and then last night when he got home he said he noticed his ankle was swollen. I looked and both of his legs are swollen from the knee down. Today I'm going to make him a doctor's appointment so we can see what is happening. Maybe it's his back but if it is, the only solution is back surgery and that doesn't sound good at all. We'll see what the doc has to say.

We would like to get moved before we have to deal with anything like back surgery. We were actually hoping or I was hoping that we would get moved before I started treatment again, but it just didn't work out that way. Now we are ready to move and have to find a place. Josh's building is full, and the place going in across the street won't even get started before the first 2007 and we do not want to wait that long. We are considering moving to Langley but we'll see. Josh and Ryan wouldn't be very happy with that scenario but it's what we might have to do. We'll see what the real estate lady has to say and what's she's managed to find for us. We'll see, so much up in the air still. First things first though and we are steadily heading in the right direction.

A Plan in place

Just came from the doctor and he still wants to go with the plan we talked about in May. Start in January after we get the pharmacare applied for and set up. 3 months of ribavirin and interferon and then drop the riba and continue on with the interferon. Works for me. I have total trust in him and will do what he suggests. So back to him on the 4th and we'll get the paperwork in order and sent in. I guess his office does it for me or at least helps me with it. The paperwork goes back to his office and when they receive it they call and set up an appointment. I go and get the prescription and take it to the pharmacy. Leave it with them and go and get my bloodwork done and viral count. Go back and get the prescription (he is planning on same as before, prefilled glass syringe not the pen) take it back to his office and they go over it with me and then I'm on my way.

December morning

Now how gorgeous is that. It was taken at 7:30 am this morning. I was heading down the last stretch of road to work and looked in my rear view mirror and the sky was this beautiful shade of orange and red. I pulled into work and basically ran into the building pulling out my camera as I went. I shouted at the guys, the sky, the sky and headed out the back door just in time to see Jude come flying in with the truck and jumping out camera in hand as we all headed for a high spot to take a picture. What a way to start the day!

It's Snowing!

I feel like a little kid when it snows. I run back and forth to the window to see if it's sticking and how hard it's snowing. We hardly ever get snow that actually sticks on the ground here on the "Wet Coast" so it's a novelty. We used to get snow when I was a kid. I remember walking to school in knee deep snow (yes I know I was shorter then!). Back then girls had to wear skirts or dresses to school but on snow days we wore snow pants over our dresses. I was a tomboy so I loved being able to wear snow pants to school. Now we hardly ever get any kind of snow. I miss it.

I've been doing ok just finding myself very tired at the end of the day. Working 40 hours a week seems to be all I'm really able to accomplish these days and when I get home I just rest. Most days I'm in bed and asleep before 9 and last night it was 7:30. Yesterday though I had a wicked headache that just got worse as the day went on. By the time I got home it was making me feel ill. I laid down before dinner and then right after dinner I was in bed and asleep. I woke up off and on over the night and still had the damn headache. I was up at 5 this morning and was figuring out how I was going to get down 2 Acetaminophen when I suddenly realized what was going on.

When we went shopping last week I got a case of caffeine free diet pop to try and see if I like it in preparation of maybe not being able to have caffeine if I go back onto treatment. I have also stopped making coffee in the morning before I go to work and have hot chocolate when I get there. So yesterday I had no coffee and no caffeine in my pop and I was in caffeine withdrawal! I had made coffee and had two cups when Ryan wandered out on his way to work with me still holding the bottle of Acetaminophen and looking for something I could choke them down with. He looked at me for a sec and said, "I have candy coated tylenol" !! So he went and got them for me and I managed to get a couple of them down with some apple sauce. I am terrible taking pills and need to have food with them or as soon as they hit my mouth I start to gag and it's game over. By the time I got to work the headache was gone. I'm going to have to wean myself slowly.

Two weeks till the big doctor appointment and I'm getting nervous every time I think about it. Everything is sorta in limbo until I know what is going to happen. I'll be glad to go though and get it over and done with. Then at least I'll know what's happening.

The kids are all busy and doing well. Josh has gone into panic mode now that he and his girlfriend have broken up for the third or fourth time in four years. She wants a commitment and he wouldn't give one. Now she is heading off to India for the 3rd time for two months and will be travelling with a fellow she knows from Ireland. That was enough to really get Josh thinking and he is majorly stressed and ready to tell her he wants her to move in when she gets back. We'll see how this goes. Personally I really like her and would be very happy to see him settle down. As with all moms, all I really want or care about is that he is happy. He is 32 now and I would hate to see him old and lonely.

My chemo buddy seems to be doing well. I got my patient report and he is in week 32 of 39 weeks of treatment. I sure hope he continues to do well and beats this cancer he has. From all my caringbridge kids that I read about, rhabdomyosarcoma seems to be a particularly vicious form of cancer. It would sure be nice if they could find a better treatment for these cancers that kill so many. As in the case of Hep C, the treatment seems very harsh and for a young child it has to be so much worse.

Work is going well and I've been working on the format for our catalog and continuing work on the webpage. It is a never ending job so it's a good thing I enjoy it! It's one of those things that you sit intending to spend an hour or two and before you know it 6 or 8 hours have gone by unnoticed. With the site for work we have it spread over the site the website provider gives us, 3 of my personal webspaces and two of Khushwinders! Pictures take up a lot of space and we have a ton of pictures on the site. Some days I have open three different spaces and am trying to remember which I am trying to hyperlink to at any given time. Jude just put in a bid on a big new development in New Westminster that would be very nice to get. We're keeping our fingers crossed.

Date night

Al and I had been planning our date night to go and see Harry Potter for weeks. On Friday night I came home from work and layed down for an hour so I'd be ready to go as I was up late on both Wednesday night and Thursday night. We went out for pizza and headed over across the river to the big Silver City Theatre that had it showing at 5, 7, 8, 8:30 and 10:15 We got there and there was a big sign on the door saying Harry Potter sold out all shows except the 10:15 and knowing it was a 2 hour 37 minute movie we knew we'd never make it. We had totally forgotten about pre-buying of tickets or we would have gone over earlier in the week and bought them. So we went and bought our tickets for Sunday at 5pm and went home and went to bed!

On Saturday the kids all had plans to go to one of their friends birthday party so Dave and Allie had called to see if we would watch Christina and of course we said yes! She arrived cranky after refusing to have a nap but after some dinner she perked up and played around quite happily. She is so funny and is talking constantly. She chased the cats around for quite awhile ( I always put the dogs in my bedroom and turn on the tv for them so have they something to watch while she is running around. It makes me too nervous as their mouths are at her face level and although they have never done anything to suggest they would hurt her it still makes me nervous) When bedtime came around I put Lady and the Tramp on for her and sat in same room with her. She sleeps on a loveseat in my computer room so it worked out pretty good except she just didn't go to sleep! Finally after Lady and the Tramp I put on Fantasia and at 11 she finally went to sleep and I headed off to bed.

At 4am she called me saying she was wet. So I got up and changed her and then said it's time to go back to sleep and I headed back to bed. She says No Grandma you have to sit in the chair! meaning that's where I was when she went to sleep and she wanted me to stay there while she went back to sleep so I turned on the computer and waited for her to go back to sleep. She didn't and at 5:30 we gave up and she got up so in total her and I had 5 hours sleep! She was very sweet though and kept me entertained just listening to her. When she left she said Oh Grandma! I'm going to miss you soooooo much!" I love being a grandma!

So Sunday by the time the kids left it was 1pm and I layed down for a bit of a nap before we left for Harry. Josh had seen it at the first showing on Thursday night at midnight but had missed the first 10 minutes so he wanted to see it again and he came with us. It was excellent! Well worth the wait and I love the continuity of having the same actors play the characters in all the movies. On one of the forums I am associated with it set off another big discussion about what is going to happen in book 7 and whether or not Snape is really a bad guy and did he and Dumbledore have an agreement that Snape would do whatever he had to do. We have decided that when Dumbledore said Severus please he was referring to the fact that he and Snape had an agreement that if it meant killing Dumbledore to make the deatheaters think he was one of them then he was to do it because they have to stop Valdemort at any cost. Of course the perfect ending would see Hermoine and Ron together, Harry and Ginny together, McGonigle as the new HeadMaster, Snape as the defence against the dark arts teacher and we've all pretty much decided that Draco will in the end turn out to be ok. lol we'll see.

Khush is back from India and came to see us on Friday and bring us some gifts he had brought back. It was sure good to see him. Monday morning the phones went crazy and we were busy all day. We've been pushing digging jobs off till the third week in November when Khush came back and I guess everyone took it to heart and marked it on their calendars and all phoned yesterday! Freaked us out a bit as we already have quite a bit of work lined up but we'll manage. He and Gary had the Takeuchi out in the field all day digging trees for the city that we have to get delivered Wednesday. Jude is going to look at a big job in Surrey this morning and just as I was leaving a big contractor called about a huge project they are working on in New West on a site that has dozens of beautiful old trees on it that they are interested in saving. Some may be way to big for our spades but we'll see. It would sure be nice to be able to save them.

I had to stop on the way home and Friday and take this picture. The mountain looked so pretty sitting up there in the clouds.

Lily's Jacket

As promised here are some pictures of Lily in her new jacket :) Racing stripe included! She loves it!

No More Puffer!!

Yay! No more puffer. I just came from the doctor's and he says I can stop the puffer but I may have more problems as my lungs are sensitive and if I feel anything like that coming on again just start with the orange one and do it for two weeks. He cleared me for my flu shot so I made an appointment for both Al and I for Thursday nights flu clinic. He said Ryan should have it as well as long as he is living here but Ryan won't go so I'm not planning on fighting with him about it. He is also smoking in the house so that doesn't help my lungs much either but it's only for a few months and I've already told him that if we move into a new place he cannot smoke in the house and he agreed. Not like he had a choice! He also gave me the paperwork for more bloodwork to get done at the end of the month, two weeks before I see Dr. Erb. So all in all things are getting better.

I had naps on Friday, Saturday and Sunday which kinda worried me a bit but I must have needed the rest or I wouldn't have fallen asleep. I'm back to work today and man it was cold this morning. We hit zero for the first time this year. I hauled out the long johns and wore them today. The office is on the chilly side anyway but Fuad put a baseboard heater under my desk for me last summer cause he knew I'd need it this winter. So between my long underwear and my desk heater I was really quite toasty warm today.

Today I was doing bookkeeping all day and I really love it. Doing the books is one of those jobs that is all black and white with no grey areas. The numbers are either right or they are wrong! I love when everything falls into place and the numbers come out just as they are supposed to.

Lynnie stopped by on the way to work this morning and dropped off a jacket for Lily. She shivers and shakes in the cold and wet so Jude was looking into getting her a coat but the darn things are very expensive and Lynnie said No Way! I'll make her one and so she did. It is adorable and rainproof, lined with a strap under the belly to hold it in place and she loves it. She was out running around and no shivering at all. I took some pictures of her so i'll add some later. Gotta run now and get some things done here.

Oh! We went and saw Mr. & Mrs. Smith at the movies last Thursday and we loved it! Lots of humour and a great shoot-em-up. She really is a beautiful girl! Harry Potter on Friday! Can't wait.

Working at home today....

Jude is sick now and the guys are working offsite so I am at home today with a little black kitty bouncing around in my lap, a cup of hot chocolate and work I can concentrate on uninterupted by the phones! My world is a bright and sunny place today (even though it's raining outside!)

I'm feeling much better although still have a bad cough and am still using my puffer. The doc said I have to use it for two weeks and that's til Monday when I see him again. Then if all is ok I can stop puffer and get my flu shot. I think whatever this was went after my liver too as I had some liver symptoms with very orange urine, and much fullness and pain in the liver area but finally today that is starting to feel better as well. I still tire very easily and was in bed and asleep by 8:30 last night. But I feel better today so we are definitely on the upward swing both physically and mentally.

This is a 4 day week this week with Rememberance Day on Friday. I'm glad. Thursday (if Jude is feeling better) is our girls night and we didn't do it last week because I was sick. Lynne's birthday was the 30th of October and mine is tomorrow so Jude wants to take us to dinner and a movie for our birthdays. That sounds like a blast and I'm ready for it this week, or next for that matter if Jude is sick tomorrow. Nov 1st was Josh's birthday so on Friday, Dave and Allie and baby are coming out to Josh's where we will all get together for Josh's and my combined birthday. Ryan has volunteered to pick Mom up in Richmond and bring her out and take her home afterwards (sweet boy) and she will finally get a chance to see Josh's new home. So the week is shaping up well with lots to look forward to.

We've had a great week so far at work too. Two of the local cities parks people came out and toured the farm and put in orders for trees which we'll dig as soon as Khush gets back from India. One of the parks boards is asking us about custom growing for them and that would be great! They tell us what they are going to need in a few years and we get them planted now so they are of a size when they need them and we don't have to worry about selling them as the are pre-ordered. All good stuff. We have several big tree moves lined up as well for when Khush gets back. Again for two different cities in the area. Love working for the cities as they pay with no hassles.

Anyway, I'm back, bright eyed and bushy taled and ready to go! Better get to work now if this little kitty will let me :) Picture today is the fall colour of my Samurai Japanese Maple I have outside on the deck. It has gorgeous veined green leaves in summer and goes to this in the Fall. Love it!

A better day

Well here I am 4 days later and I really am on the upward swing this time. I've been to the doctor and got 2 different types of puffer and some antibiotics. Unfortunately I started throwing up so have only managed to get down one antibiotic but finally yesterday we decided to try some gravol and it worked wonders. Maybe it will help when I'm on treatment. Anyway today is a better day. We'll go from here.

Cold and Flu Season

Well cold and flu season is definitely upon us. I've been fighting a cold the last week and finally on Friday just gave in and stayed home and I've spent the last two days in bed sleeping and feeling cruddy. It has brought back alot of the bad memories of treatment when I was too sick to eat and had to fight to even sip water. It sorta scared me and I've been second guessing myself again and wondering if I can do this again. It's fine to sit here when I feel ok and say yes I can do this and yes I'll do better this time and force myself to eat and drink and then I get a cold and sink immediately to the point where I am not eating and drinking enough. It is almost like a mini test of "Can I do this again?" The one and only thing that keeps me moving forward towards treatment is the consequences if I do not. Dr. Erb's words keep echoing in my mind. "You don't want to find yourself at end stage liver disease in 10 years because you didn't get treatment now"

I am thinking about trying the full treatment again if the doc can help with the anemia either by reducing the dose of the riba or maybe with the epoetin. Today is not the day to think about it though. Today I am feeling kind of fragile as far as all this goes. I think I deal with it mostly by not dwelling on the bad parts but today the bad parts are too close and too easy to remember. I don't want to think about sticking a needle into my stomach once a week for god knows how long, I don't want to think about trying to force those damn pills down when I know what they are doing to me, I don't want to think about any of it really but reality is kicking in and being sick has just made me remember what it was like to lay there and not have the energy to force yourself out of that bed.

I'm up today and moving. Al is now getting my cold the poor guy. He has a heavy workload at work, he's doing part time work on the side and he still tries to make sure I'm not doing too much. Ok this is just getting drearier and drearier. Maybe later.

October colour

Busy week! Lots of changes at work and the hardest was Stewart leaving. He made it difficult for the rest of us by some of his actions this last week so by Thursday when he was finally gone we felt like a huge weight had been lifted. Wednesday was Winai's last day as he wanted a few days with his wife and baby before starting his new job on Monday. He arrived in Canada one week and was working for us the next so he's had very little time to relax and spend time doing touristy things. We will really miss him alot. On Thursday afternoon he showed up to pick up his rain gear and boots and whatnot and he brought a huge beautiful bouquet of yellow roses with a card thanking Jude and I! Friday was Avtar's last day for a few weeks. He'll probably come back in January but could very well be back sooner. We'll see him at Christmas too. Khush is leaving for 3 weeks in India to take care of family farm business over there. So it will be Gary and Jude and I for the next 3 weeks.

I got my bloodwork results back and they aren't too bad really. My ALT is 112, AST is 70 and Bili is 11. Feeling not bad, no more pains thankfully. Basically same as always. This week seemed very long with all that was going on. Thursday night was girls night and it was at Lynnies. Sophie is getting huge! She's only 4 and a half months and she's already over 65 pounds. She's a beautiful girl, very silky and very playful. She has energized Babe, their other Great Dane and the cat too is now involved with a daily romp through the house. Lynne has a fenced dog run attached to the side of the house and all three animals can get out there and that's where the dogs do their business. For some reason the siamese cat has taken it upon himself to go out there each day and cover the piles with wood chips (the flooring they use)! Lots of work when there are two Great Danes!

Ryan is in the process of moving his stuff in and we are starting to put stuff away for winter. We are still planning on moving but think we will be here over Christmas anyway. Treatment starts in January so I want to be ready in case we are moving February or March with having everything in order and already sorted and containerized so the move wouldn't be so bad. Kody is making himself unpopular at the moment and has peed in the laundry room twice in the last week. I know what his problem is but seriously he is not in my good books right now. I informed him the other morning that the only thing standing between me and a brand new condo with all the extra's was him! Because we have two dogs like we do we know a condo is not the place for the dogs to be. One we could manage but two just won't work. So he better smarten up quickly!

Keesha on the other hand is doing very well and she's aging gracefully. She's a sweet old girl and would do fine in a condo. She'd sleep all day while we were at work and then be quite happy to spend the evening with us. The only problem would be if she heard noises in the hallway she might bark. Have to see. Still we are torn about a house or maybe a mobile on an owned lot. Lots of building going on in our area. Al is considering a job change as well. So we'll see where it all takes us. I get momentary panic attacks when I think about all that's going to be going on both at home and at work and me on treatment! I have to keep reminding myself to take it a day at a time and stay positive. Gotta be in good shape mentally and physically to kick viral butt!!

The top Maple is called is called Atumn Flame and the colour is outstanding! The other is an Oak and they get a very nice colour too. Sophie and Kody and Keesha make up the rest. :)

The appointment is made.

Things are starting to fall into place. We've had two days of hashing it out at work and Jude is going to lay most of us off between now and December with a call back date of March 1. This works perfectly for me. We may work a few days in there between but that is fine as well. I phoned today to make my appointment with the doc at VGH for the middle of December so I can get my prescription and be ready to go in January. The deed is done, no backing out now!

I also phoned and made a doctor appointment with my family doctor to get my LFT done as they haven't been done in a few months and I'd like to see where they sit. A couple of days this week I've had a really bad throbbing pain in my right side just at the bottom of my rib cage that lasts for a minute or so and then goes away. But it was a stabbing pain you can't ignore. Not sure what the heck it was but it made me nervous. Of course anything that happens on the right side around my ribcage I immediately think must be liver related when it could be anything I guess. Not sure what else is in the general vicinity that could cause that kind of pain. It hurt so much I pushed in on it to try and make it stop which it mostly did but when I let go it came right back in a rebound type of pain. Anyway gone now, hasn't happened today so hopefully whatever it was has gone away. I've got a cold too with a nice barky type cough that is just generally irritating and a headache I'm assuming came with the cold.

The last couple of days have been really stressful at work with trying to decide how layoffs were going to work. Stewart is leaving and probably won't be back. Khush will start stepping into Stew's job. Winai is gone as of next Friday and has another job to go to. He has a young wife and a baby and is a good worker. He's been offered a job to train as an electrician and as much as we hate to see him go, it is an opportunity he cannot afford to pass up and we wouldn't want him to. With the Olympics coming here in 2010, construction is booming and they are crying for tradesmen. He'll learn a trade and when he's ready and goes back to Thailand he'll have something to take back with him. So he had already told us he was going. Avtar will go at the same time. Stew will stay til the end of October and then he is gone and that will leave just Jude, Khushwinder, Gary and I. I'll get layed off when we close for two weeks at Christmas and that will serve as my 2 week waiting period and it will also get me started on treatment. I can work at home for the first little while til we see how I do and what treatment I am doing or whatever. It is just very hard to see people you have become close to and care about move on to other things. We will miss them terribly. Avtar will come back in the Spring when we need him and we will continue on.

I've had a bad week with my sister too. A long horrid story that I am just not going to go into but it is very hard to be her friend right now and she really needs me to be. She is lying to everyone and asking me to pretend she is with me when she is not. She wants me to lie to both my Mom and my husband so they won't know what she's doing. I finally told her this morning that I will not lie to Al for her and please stop involving me. Now I'm pretty sure she is mad at me and I am not going to hear from her. I'm not trying to judge her and what she does in her life is her business but when she tries to drag me into it, well I just am not going to allow it. I have enough stresses of my own to deal with and just can't do this for her. She is looking very stressed and fragile to me as well. I am worried about her but I cannot help her at this point. I have been telling her she needs to go and talk to someone, get some help from a counsellor.

She came to see me at work yesterday and got me all involved in this without asking me and then with this whole layoff thing and my cold with my pounding headache, by the time I got home from work I was in a foul mood. As my poor husband came to meet me at the car and help me bring my stuff in I bit his head off and yelled at him because I could not reach him on the phone when I wanted to. I've spent the last two days apologizing for being such a bitch. After I explained it all to him and told him the whole story concerning my sister and my mother and what is going on he just looked at me and shook his head and said my whole f**king family was insane. Thankfully he understood and accepted my apologies for being so bitchy. He was probably afraid not to by that point.

The new kitty is now called Molly. Don't ask me how cause I'm just not sure but she is definitely Molly now. She and Sirus have been chasing each other all over the house and having lots of fun. Kody trails along behind and barks and occasionally gets his nose swatted but it is keeping him entertained as well. The kitten has had no accidents and has no interest in going outside at the moment. I guess she got her fill of the great outdoors while making her way to and hiding in the barn. She is quite happy to stay in when Sirus goes out. She sits at the sliding glass door and watches him from there and then goes off and sleeps someplace til he comes in again. I'm tired and am very glad this week is coming to an end. Tonight was girls night and it was at Jude's. I just got home at 9:30 and morning comes early.