I had a long blog mostly done and the internet explorer crashed and I lost it all. So.........this will be much shorter and to the point.
I am doing ok. Nothing has changed much except Al has come and taken most of his stuff. He's found a basement suite in a friends house here in town and that makes me feel much better. At least he is safe and with friends and not alone and distraught as he was last week.
I've had a day or two of anger but I didn't share it with him and after talking to him on the phone on friday I realize again how much pain he is in. When we don't talk and we haven't been really as we both just cry and it is pretty disjointed and incoherent so we mostly just communicate by email, my imagination takes over and my mind goes to a lot of places I really don't want to go. When I tried to sleep I had dreams of running into him and he was with some unknown blonde woman and it just did me in. I know that at least right now that is not what is going on. There is no woman, there is no affair, there is just his depression and breakdown. He knows I love him and that I am here for him if he needs me and that is all he will let me help with. He says everytime he sees me or talks to me he just screws me up all over again. I am still after him to get to the doctor and get some help and he is still saying he can't right now. So thank god he has moved where he has and has friends upstairs he can talk to. At least I know they will keep an eye on him. He's been to see two of the boys and I'm glad he's been able to do that.
I am hyperactive and need to keep moving and busy and keep my mind occupied. I'm very tired but not sleeping properly. I fall asleep exhausted and then wake up in a few hours and lay there running things through my mind over and over. I can feel my liver but am ignoring it right now. I know stress is hurting me so I am still getting things in order and how I need them to be. I am going to work extra hours at work but will do it at home in the evenings and weekends to keep my mind occupied. It is all computer work so no physical exertion required. By keeping extensive notes during the day it helps my fuzzy mind and absent mindedness and I'm staying on top of things at work.
We have a big open house coming up in May and I need to have the webpage as finished and up to date as possible with pictures of each plant and tree. I am also keeping on top of our plant database and new spring stock coming in. We want to streamline our tagging and pricing as we don't have the manpower to be changing prices and tags on all the nursery stock twice a year as stuff grows. So we've been working on that as well. I have to get our first catalog done and ready for May as well as for our big trade show (CanWest) in September. The tree relocation business has gotten extremely busy and we have several huge jobs coming up over the next months. So work will keep me very busy and that is a good thing. Jude is not in the position to give me a raise right now but said to put in as many hours as I like over the weekends and evening and get a raise of sorts that way. I plan on doing just that.
The boys are all busy. Ryan is here with me and it is so nice to come home and not find an empty house. We have decided to stay here for probably at least another year. The yard is fenced for the dogs and yes..........I still have Kody and Keesha. I just can't give up Kody unless Al wants to take him at some point. Right now he is my constant shadow. If I am sitting at my desk he is under my feet in the desk well, if I get up and move he moves with me. Geez even into the bathroom. I have to take him in with me or he cries at the door and when I do take him in he sits in front of me with one paw on my knee till we are done and move to the next location. Keesha spends most of the day sleeping on my bed but if I get upset at all she is right there as well and the two of them crowd in and sit looking at me with great concern. So they are great company and confort. They sleep by the bed at night and at any strange noise they are immediately on alert.
Josh was leaving yesterday for India and Dave and Allie were moving into a house so we had it all arranged I would take Josh in as far as Dave and Allies new place so I could see the house and get the baby kisses and snuggles. Dave would take Josh to the airport for me and I wouldn't have that long drive late at night in the rain. His flight was at 9:45pm. Ryan came in with us and we saw the house and I love it. Very cute and clean with lots of room and a fenced back yard for the baby. It is close to the beach in White Rock so this summer I'll be able to buzz in, pick up my baby girl and we can spend time at the beach and park. I'm looking so forward to it. Dave and Josh headed out for the airport and Ryan and I headed home. Quick shower and a light dinner in front of a movie was the plan. I checked my email and there was an email from Josh at the airport and he had totally screwed up and missed his flight. He was at the airport with no cell phone or phone numbers etc. I emailed him the phone numbers and he called. He has managed to book another flight out for today at an additional $1300.00 He is furious with himself. He stayed at a friends in town and will be back at the airport today but he wanted me to email his girlfriend with the new info and flight numbers etc. I've done that and hopefully it will still all work out for him. He'll email and keep me informed.
Well so much for a short and to the point blog!! I'm still working on the one day at a time mantra and the serenity prayer and as Peter said I just have to say God grant me the serenity and it helps. I have so much support from so many directions. I wish Al had the same. Hopefully he will reach out. We are all here for him when he decides he wants us.
The picture today was taken on the 15th of December. It was early in the morning and the piece of machinery in the front is one of our tree spades.