Monday, January 23, 2006


I am just not the type of person that curls up into a llittle ball and disolves in self pity. One day at a time. It's been almost 2 weeks since he left initially and the worst of the tears and poor me's are over. I am very very worried about him but I have done all that he will allow me to do and he just plain and simple does not want to be here. It doesn't matter why. He tells me he loves me and that it has absolutely nothing to do with me and anything I did or did not do. All I can really do now is take care of myself and be here for him should he decide he needs to talk. The tears are still very close to the surface but I am starting to be able to control my thoughts and emotions at work and save the tears for when I'm alone at night.

I spent the weekend informing my mom as to what is happening and trying to get myself organized and stable financially. Taken care of most of it and made some hard decisions. My youngest son is living here at the moment and he and I have discussed things and he will be staying here with me and will help out financially. Al is going to help towards maintaining things here as well. But what it does mean is I have to have my paycheque each month and cannot afford to be sick and on treatment. So today I finally phoned and cancelled the appointment. I know how badly stress affects me and that's part of the reason I felt the need to get things under control so I know exactly where I stand and what I can and cannot do. Now I have to stay on an even keel and get through the days one day at a time.

Consequently my weekend was very busy and involved a lot of driving in bad conditions. Dark and rainy nights are very hard for me as I think I have no night vision and the rain obscures things even more. I found myself all clenched up and it makes you very tired. Today I am back to work and tonight I am exhausted but I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders just by getting it all under control. Tonight I am resting and I'll get through the week. This next weekend will be one of rest. Unfortunately I am sleeping very little but I hope this will get better as the days go by. I can't say I'm not hurt and devastated by what has happened but I can deal with this. One day at a time. That's pretty much become my mantra. I say it to myself many times during the day. I can do this, one day at a time.

Carol, Sue, Peter, Miss Poppy, JJ and Hep C Boy your caring and support has helped really and truly. Thank you so much. My dad was an alcoholic and spent many years in AA. The serenity prayer I think works for many things and not just for people in AA.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. That's what I'm asking now.



carol said...

Still here, not going anywhere.
Agree you need time before treatment, it will come.


peter said...

The serenity prayer works for me, too. Sometimes all it takes is the first phrase, "God grant me the serenity..."

It sounds like you are taking very good care of yourself. I could have not have handled any additional stress when I was undergoing treatment last year.

I know (believe me, I know) that it's painful, but it will get easier to deal with.


Andy said...

I'm glad to read that you are getting support from your family at this difficult time and am sure your work colleagues will do what they can to help if you want them to.


Sue, Toronto said...

Hi Elizabeth Anne,

Still here too. Have been thinking of you throughout the week and sending warm thoughts you way. Please take care,