Sunday, December 31, 2006

End of one year and beginning of another

Well I made it!!! Christmas was good. I had all the kids and the granddaughter and my mom here for Christmas along with one of the kids friends who needed a friendly place to have Christmas dinner. Ithought the day would be hard but really I was so busy that it was all good. We also resurrected the Boxing Day gathering at my brothers house that had gone by the boards a few years back. It was really good and we had all of his kids and grandkids, my kids (minus Dave and Allie and Christina who had other plans) and our Mom there along with Jack, a long time family friend and now a part of the family who also happens to be the father of my son Josh. Both days were full of fun, laughter and good food. I was totally at ease and enjoyed it immensely.

I was off for 4 days and then back to work for 3 and now off for the New Year long weekend. I was on the forum this morning and saw a post about the VX-950 and am going to post the pertinent parts here.

NEW YORK, Dec 13 (Reuters) - Vertex Pharmaceuticals Inc. said on Wednesday the effectiveness of its experimental drug VX-950 for hepatitis C was similarly impressive in a trial involving hundreds of patients as in two smaller previous studies, but the company's shares slipped on safety concerns.

Vertex said 88 percent of patients who took its drug for 12 weeks in combination with two standard medicines, interferon and ribavirin, had undetectable levels of the virus. That compared with 52 percent who took only the standard treatments

"Although the latest results are preliminary, they are exciting and confirm findings from initial studies," said Dr. John McHutchison, a Duke University professor who led the new study.

Despite its potency, 9 percent of patients taking VX-950 dropped out of the ongoing trial due to side effects, including rash, gastrointestinal disorders and anemia -- compared with 3 percent taking the standard dual therapy.


Serious adverse events were seen in 3 percent of those taking the Vertex drug, compared with 1 percent taking just interferon and ribavirin.


"The efficacy and safety data were both a little less than expected," Prudential Equity Group analyst Jason Zhang said. But Zhang added that he continues to believe VX-950 has potential to become the new standard of care for the life-threatening liver disease.


While side effects were more pronounced among patients taking VX-950, McHutchison said they should be weighed against the far-worse risks of continued hepatitis C infection. He said the virus causes cirrhosis in about 20 percent of people infected for 20 years or longer. And its damage is the leading reason for liver transplants.


The latest trial involves 250 patients infected with the most common, but hardest-to-treat, genotype 1 form of hepatitis C, who received the Vertex pill for 12 weeks. None had previously received any drugs to eliminate the virus, which infects an estimated 4 million Americans.

The U.S. study, one of three sizable mid-stage trials either planned or already in progress, is assessing how well patients respond to the Vertex drug within 24 weeks after completing treatment. Patients were divided into four treatment groups.
Three groups received the Vertex drug for 12 weeks in combination with the gold standard of therapy -- long-acting interferon and antiviral drug ribavirin. Another group received only interferon and ribavirin, plus a placebo.


Among 74 patients given VX-950 for whom data were available after 12 weeks, 88 percent had undetectable levels of the virus. That compared with 52 percent of those in the group that received only interferon and ribavirin.


"In effect, almost 90 percent of patients had undetectable virus after the first 12 weeks of triple therapy in this trial," McHutchison said


He said patients from one arm of the trial whose virus was undetectable after four weeks of treatment and continued to be undetectable after 12 weeks may elect to stop taking all medicines, but continue to be followed.

Others will continue to take interferon and ribavirin alone for either an additional 12 or 36 weeks, but receive no additional VX-950.

"If the virus remains undetectable 24 weeks after treatment is stopped, you are considered to have cleared the virus," McHutchison said, a main reason the 12 weeks of data now in hand are considered only preliminary.

With interferon and ribavirin alone, only half of patients typically clear the virus after a full year of treatment. And the dual therapy -- rival forms of which are sold by Schering-Plough Corp.
and Roche Holding AG can cause severe flu-like symptoms as well as depression.

Although the Vertex medicine by itself has been shown to wipe out more than 99.99 percent of virus in the bloodstream, it is not a stand-alone cure because the virus rebounds.

© Reuters 2006. All Rights Reserved.


I obviously have some concerns and alot of questions but really just want to get on with the drug trials and get it over and done with. I see I will probably have to take both the interferon and the ribavirin again but it looks like it may only be for 12 weeks instead of the 48 or maybe 12 weeks with the trio and then I can drop the ribavirin when they stop the VX-950. Maybe it will be enough to keep the virus away. I was undectable from 12 weeks on last time and still relapsed when the treatment was done so my hope is that the combo of the three drugs for 12 weeks and then the interferon for the rest of 48 weeks will be enough the kill the beast.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

A new week

Well I'm feeling not quite so uptight this week. At least now I have a plan and can focus on that. Obviously my moving to the island will have to wait until I am done with all this as I couldn't be making the trips back and forth while on the drug trial.

I was getting pretty stressed about my medical and extended health and stuff and thought with it coming up for a year that we have been separated that Al might go and get a no fault divorce and then I would be off the medical and extended health. I went and saw him on Saturday and he said yes I am still covered on his medical and extended health and he has no intention of taking me off of it or of getting a divorce. Yes he is aware that legally if this went to court etc he would be paying support and that I am entitled to part of his pension and he has no problems with that. He does however have financial problems but as he said that's his problem and not mine. He wants to and will do whatever he can to help especially in the Spring when the drug trial starts. He said if it comes down to it he will move from the house and get a smaller place so he can give me more but in the mean time he will start by at least paying my car insurance payment or put $100 in my account each month starting the middle of January. He is trying to get his bills paid down and when that happens he'll have more to contribute. Income Tax is threatening to garnishee his wages but again that is his problem and not mine. It was all very polite and he kept saying that he wants to help. So at least I know I have the medical and should I run into dire straights during treatment he will help.


Work is going good and I'm almost caught up on all the bank recs so when that is done I will feel a lot more comfortable about things. The guys are nice, a bit rough and rowdy but all very nice to me and very polite. I have been leaving Lacey home a day here and there so she gets used to in for those days when she is better off there such as the day I went to the hospital to see the doctor. I didn't want to leave her at work whining and bugging the guys and I won't leave her alone in the car so I left her at home with the cat. I had no idea how they would make out for a full day alone but the house was fine when we got home and the animals had all there body parts so they got along just fine. I think Nemo likes the company as he gets pretty bored. He is sure getting to be a big boy!
I've made the a bed between the couch and the window sill and they lay there and look out the window and snuggle up together and sleep. The new beta blogger is allowing me to post pictures again so I've added a few. Lacey in one of the sweaters I knit her, Nemo sitting on the window sill watching the snow fall and the two of them snuggled up on their window bed having a snooze.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Vertex

Drug trial starts in the Spring and I'm on the list. Emotional day. Cried my way to work, to the doctor and home again. Hating Al today. Need to do some research on Vertex but the doctor seems to think I can still work while on it and of course with it being a drug trial that means the drugs are free and he said so far the results seem good.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Snowy Saturday

Well I guess I had better get busy here and post again. So much has happened since I last blogged a big blog so I guess I better backtrack and update.

My new job: Started the new job the beginning of November and so far so good. It was a bit overwhelming to begin with and the last girl didn't do any bank recs for 16 months so I've been trying to get that up to date but the accountants had closed last years books at the end of February 06 and it was very difficult to try and figure out some of the stuff she did. After trips back and forth to the accountants office it was decided that seeing as they forced a reconciliation at the end of February I would start there and work forward so that is what I'm doing. Payroll was also a challenge the first time round but I have it down now so that will be fine and the salesman has been very nice to me and not any problem there. His wife is another story but I just kept being very nice and not letting it get to me and now she is totally out of the picture. Both of the owners have been out of town on jobs basically since I started which in some ways was good and in some ways was not good but all in all it's working out ok. Oh, and most importantly, Lacey can still come to work with me each day. She is bored and doesn't get the same amount of exercise but she likes it better than being left at home each day!

The trip to the island: Jude and I went over on my birthday weekend and stayed with Barb one night and then headed up island to Port Hardy and spent a night up there as well. Back down to Barb's in Comox for another night and then home. We saw everything from bright sunshine to heavy rain and storms and some snow on our way up and down the island.

Barb, Jude and Ed (her husband) and another friend from our days in Williams Lake 27 years ago have been planning for some time now to buy a piece of property on the island and start a bed and breakfast that they can all retire to and work from and stay for the rest of their days. When Al and I split up they included me in their plans. So while we were over there we discussed it more and started making plans. Angus is in the Yukon and has a charter plane business up there. He needs to be there for another year and his marriage is ending and he needs to buy out his wife before he can proceed. Barb has a house in Comox that she needs to sell. So here is the tentative plan at the moment.

In April I will move to Barb's in Comox and help her finish getting the house ready for sale and get it on the market and sold. Then if Angus is ready for us, her and I will head to where he is and help him out until he is ready to sell up there. Then the three of us will go back to the island and find our piece of heaven and get moved in. Jude and Ed are starting the big downsize and getting rid of years of stuff they will no longer need and be ready to go in a year or two as well. Then we will do a number of things from the property. Some of us will need to work and some will work on the property. Jude and I will probably stay with the tree business (we already had our own company and registered name before we went to the tree farm and worked for someone else), Angus will continue doing a charter business with his planes and bring people in to us, I'll do the webpaging and bookkeeping etc and Ed is going to work on the property getting the gardens in including some trees to sell and extra buildings built (workshop and craft area, cabins maybe for the B&B), and Barb will do all the cooking and get the B & B running with Jude and I doing the grunt work for her (clean up in kitchen, chamber maids basically). We all want the same thing, we are all compatible and we will all have our own room or suite for privacy and best of all we will all have the ocean and beach in our front yard. We are starting to make our move now because the island is starting to be bought up by Albertans and Americans coming in so the longer we wait the more expensive the property will be. The one thing in our favour is we are happy to be in a slightly remote area.


James Blunt: A totally awesome concert!! He has a new song that he sang for us called Annie so I really like that!

Sue: They ran a bunch of tests on Sue and she saw the oncologist on Thursday. She called me Thursday night when the girls were here and it doesn't sound great. She has Lymphoma Stage 4 as spots showed up on her liver. The doctor said right now she isn't sick and it seems to be a lazy cancer. He doesn't want to do any treatment right now and he sent her for an ultrasound of her liver I guess to use as a baseline. He said there is no point making her sick when right now she isn't sick and the treatment would not be a cure. She has a standing 3 month appointment at the cancer clinic and goes for bloodwork before each appointment. When the cancer starts to do something or starts to make her sick then they will commence treatment which will include both radiation and chemo. She sounded upbeat but was foggy on some of what he told her. She was under the impression that the stage had to do with the cancer being confined to her upper body. We have been friends since David and her Scotty were babies together. They are both coming up for 35 this year! I have been emailing her often and will continue to do so as well as send little gifts and cards. When we were on the island we stopped at one of the native gift houses and I bought a healing strand. It's very pretty and I want to send one to Sue. I emailed Barb this morning and she is going to get one for me and send it over.

Well that brings me up to date on the last blog. So what's new? Well we got a dusting of snow last night and more is in the forecast for tonight and tomorrow. I love to look at it but I hate having to drive in it. Lacy and Nemo have been laying on the bed by the window and taking it all in and now they are having a snooze together up there. I'm so glad I got the two of them together cause they sure love each other! If we get and nice heavy snow falling I'll take Lacey out for a walk and a play in it.

I go and see the liver doc on Wednesday and am not really looking forward to that. My last counts are back on the climb upwards but I had been under alot of stress with one job ending and another starting so don't know if that has anything to do with it or not. Well I'm going to add a few pictures if blogger will let me and will blog again after I see the doctor on Wednesday.

Well again today blogger will not show the pictures so I'll post to photobucket!

http://s89.photobucket.com/albums/k207/Axazwrath/October%202006/

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Bloodwork

Oct 20/05 ALT 112 AST 70 Bili 11
Dec 16/05 ALT 107
Mar 01/06 ALT 96 AST 61 Bili 12
Nov 1/06 ALT 130 AST 85 Bili 11

I don't bother asking what the rest of the counts are and probably shouldn't bother asking the bili either because I don't know what normal is.

Saturday, October 28, 2006

Started the ball rolling again



I finally made a doctor appointment and went and got my bloodwork done. Results next week. I also talked to my doctor again about seeing the specialist and he thinks it's a good idea and made me an appointment for the 29th of November. Last year the specialist wanted me to start treatment in January to take full advantage of a years worth of pharmacare. When I canceled the appointment a week before I was to start treatment, I never spoke to the doctor and haven't been back since. What worries me is that when I cancelled he took me off all his lists for new drug trials etc. So my plan is to go and see the doctor and discuss the whole situation with him and see what he has in mind. Even if I hold off on treatment for the time being I still want to be on any lists for drug trials and if he can come up with a way for me to do treatment right now then I'll go for that as well. So I've got the ball rolling again and I'll see how it goes from here.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

The days fly by

I'm back :) For awhile I just wasn't into updating and didn't feel like I had anything to say. All is good but lots has happened in the last little while. Let's see........... after I got back from my trip to the island all I really wanted to do was figure out how to get myself moved over there. I still would like to make the move but there are so many other things to worry about right now that it is on the back burner for a few years. My family is here and so is my Hep C doctor. My friends and my complete support system are here. Also at the time my job was here but there was talk that we might fold.

When we went to work for the tree farm the place was already set up, the equipment bought and the contracts etc signed so we really had not much control over how the initial money was spent. The tree spade truck they bought was not what we needed and in many cases would not work for what we wanted. The monthly expenses were huge and we could not bring in enough to cover them consistently let alone make a profit so the owner was putting money in from another business they have. Just around the end of summer he told us he could not put any more money in to keep us running and it was either make or break time. We were banking heavily on our CanWest Trade show to bring in some orders. While we did garner alot of interest and many phone calls regarding the tree relocation end of the business it did not give us any huge orders for trees. It did though have several other tree places offering us jobs.

Jude talked to the owner in September after the show and asked him to give us one more month to see if we got anything coming up from the trade show and so we could regroup and decide what to do. Basically we 4 decided it was time to fold the business or at least for the 4 of us to bow out and leave it to the owner to decide what he wanted to do. Last Friday was my last day and today is the day that Jude is meeting with the owner to finalize her resignation. I have a new job to go to (Jude's brother's company was just in the process of finding someone for their office) and Jude is planning on taking a few weeks to decide what she wants to do. The guys are done as well and have plans so we are all doing fine and are happy with what we did accomplish there.

Jude and I both are of the school that thinks that each thing we do is a learning experience that teaches us and gets us ready for the next chapter in life whatever it may be. I will be starting my new job either this coming Monday or the following one. It will be a one girl office thing again which I like and it will include bookkeeping, reception, webpaging and most of what I was doing at the tree farm minus the physical labour. This is a good thing! I'm not sure yet whether or not I can take Lacey to work with me each day or not, I have to go and scope things out and see. Things may be dicey there for awhile as the girl that was doing the books was the salesman's wife and he is not going to be a happy camper that they are letting her go. But one day at a time and we'll see how it goes. If need be I can always find another job.

What I really should be doing is starting treatment but I can't chance being too sick to work when I have bills coming in each month and no income to pay them. I'm also starting to worry that Al might be waiting for a year to pass (January) and then he can file for a no fault divorce and then I won't have medical or dental any longer either. Again, one day at a time and we'll see what happens and deal with it when it comes up.

I don't hear from Al or contact him at all. I don't talk about him and I try not to think about him. It still upsets me and throws me into a blue funk for a few days. I had a set-to with Josh (middle son) a month ago and he said that he feels like he shouldn't mention Al and that the other boys don't see him much so it leaves it to Josh to see him and then he feels like I am mad at him for spending so much time there. Christmas was also a looming horror show for me and I had talked to my mom and we were considering going away for Christmas this year and then I thought No, I can't just abandon the kids and it was time to start making my own traditions and so I asked Mom if she would come out here for a few days over Christmas and spend it here with me and she said yes. So I decided to let the kids know early what my plans were so they could then set their own plans regarding where they were going to go etc. I said that anyone that wanted to come for Christmas dinner was welcome to do so but that I needed a head count. Mom will be here Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and I'll take her home on Boxing Day. Well Josh said I was monopolizing Christmas and maybe he would have Christmas dinner with Dad so he wouldn't be alone. Then the next time it came up he denied saying it. I told him it was up to him what he wanted to do! The upshot of the whole deal was he and I had taken the dog for a walk when he wanted to get into a big discussion as to why I was so touchy about Dad etc. I ended up crying most of the walk, all the way home and then had nightmares about Al all night long. I wrote Josh an email and basically just layed it all out.

I told him I have worked very hard for the last 8 months to make a life for myself and to try and put Al and all he did behind me and yes it bothers me to hear about him or from him. I've asked Josh numerous times to keep it to himself. I've never asked the boys not to see Al or said anything bad to them about him. I've kept a good deal of it to myself and to this blog so that I don't influence the boys and their feelings regarding him. The fact that Dave and Ryan don't see him that often is not my fault or my problem. I didn't create this situation, Al did. He has to deal with the consequences of what he set in motion. As far as Christmas goes I set my plans and let the rest of them know early so they could set theirs and make arrangements to see Al whenever they wanted to. The only thing I ask of him is to please respect my feelings and don't talk to me about him. Since then he has been very good about not bringing the subject up and we are doing just fine.

I had a bit of a bad spell on Thanksgiving. Dave and Allie asked Ryan and Josh and I to their place for Thanksgiving Dinner along with some of their other friends and we went and had a very nice time. I had a blue spell and shed a few tears when I got home and really tried to analyze what I was so upset about and it finally dawned on me that mostly I was feeling bad for Al and all he has thrown away. Another holiday goes by and he is not included. I started to feel guilty that the kids didn't invite him because they know it upsets me but I can't control how I am feeling and yes it does upset me to be around him so I would have just bowed out and not gone. I don't know what to do about this or how to make it better for him or the kids. All I can do is be honest and continue along trying to make my life the way I want it.

Nemo and Lacey are doing great and are such good company. I still haven't made a doctor's appointment and had counts taken but I will have to go soon in any case as it is time for the flu shots. I'll talk to the doctor then and see where I'm at.

Jude and Lynne and I went to Celista at the beginning of October and saw the beginning of the Adams River Salmon Run. I used to live in Celista and Sue and Peter still live up there so the girls and I went up and had a great weekend with them. They have a cabin on the property that we stayed in. It comes complete with furniture, stove and fridge, hot tub, dishes and bedding. Really all we needed to bring was clothes and food. After we got back I got an email from Sue saying she had been to have a biopsy on a lump in her neck but hadn't wanted to tell me about it and worry me for no good reason. I got a call from her husband on the weekend and she just got the results back and she has lymphoma. That is really all any of us know at this point as she is waiting to hear from the oncologist and the cancer clinic. I guess I have a new chemo angel job! Jude and Lynne as well are going to send her some cards and emails and help keep her spirits up.

We go to see James Blunt on the 5th of November so we are pretty stoked about that and then Jude and I are going to the island on the November long weekend (my birthday) to see her and now my friend Barb. She is a great person and has had such a string of bad luck this last year. In a nutshell she started having seizures for no good reason and had to have all the testing etc which she did. They are just calling it unexplained seizure disorder and she is on anti-seizure medication but the upshot of that was that she had her drivers license taken away until she is 6 months with no seizures. So she decided to get a bike to get around while she had no drivers license. She took the dog on a leash and went out front of her house to try out the brand new bike and the dog bolted and she flew over the handlebars and split open her head and broke both of her elbows! She couldn't do much of anything and it totally sucked. Anyway she made it through 6 weeks of recovery and on the day the doctor gave her the go ahead to go back to work part time she stepped off her porch on her way to work and over she went and broke her ankle! So another 6 weeks off work and a cast on her leg and arms that still could not lift anything of any weight. She has just started back to work finally in the last few weeks and is doing ok but is really looking forward to our visit.

Well that brings me pretty much up to date. The rest of this week off for sure and maybe next and then a new job. Oh, I bought a new computer desk and a flat screen monitor last weekend. I love them both. I'll try to get a picture up.

I have no idea why blogger won't let me upload pictures so here is a link

http://s89.photobucket.com/albums/k207/Axazwrath/October%202006/

Friday, September 01, 2006

Bonnie Gale

http://www.canada.com/vancouverisland/courierislander/story.html?id=9cd2eb1b-aa95-40d8-8723-abb909d7718a

Mom found the story of the boat fire online so thought I'd post it.


Crew escapes as gillnetter burns, sinks off Middle Point

Dan MacLennan, Courier-IslanderPublished: Wednesday, August 30, 2006

A Ladner-based gillnetter burned and sank off Middle Point Saturday evening but the crew managed to escape the flames, a Coast Guard official said Monday.

The Bonnie Gale, a 38-foot gillnetter built in Richmond in 1972, caught fire shortly before 5:30 p.m. Saturday.

"It sounds like an engine room fire," said Coast Guard cutter Point Race Capt. Geoff Sanders. "The Island Wild, the new Waywest Water Taxi was first on scene, and got the people off."

The Coast Guard responded first with its rigid-hull inflatable PR-1.

"We sent the Zodiac ahead to check for injuries and then we followed up with the Point Race and worked on the fire once we found out that the people were fine," Sanders said.

The tug Seymour Crown and crew was among the other vessels to offer assistance.

The fire was put out by roughly 7 p.m. and a line was attached to the smoldering hull. The Point Race crew tried to tow the vessel into shore near Middle Point, where a Campbell River Fire Department crew was standing by. Sanders was hoping to beach the boat so that any fuel could be recovered, but that was not to be.

"We managed to get the fire out, but the hull was badly damaged by the fire and something gave way and we just couldn't keep up with the water anymore so it went down," Sanders said.
The Bonnie Gale went under shortly after 8 p.m. in about 300 feet of water.

Sanders said there had been no reports of oil or fuel slicks in the area. It's possible most of the oil and fuel burned in the fire.

© Courier-Islander (Campbell River) 2006

I'm adding some more pictures of the fire to photobucket.

http://s89.photobucket.com/albums/k207/Axazwrath/Bonnie%20Gale/

Monday, August 28, 2006

Going Home

I've just had the most wonderful weekend. I'm tired this morning and should be getting ready to head to work but I'm still sitting here and trying to figure out how to get myself moved over to Vancouver Island. I really do love it over there and it would be as close to Loughborough as I could get.

My grandpa had a logging company in the late 30's and early 40's. He expanded and had 3 logging companies and somewhere along the way he went broke so in '44 he went to work for the Booth Logging Company up in Loughborough Inlet at Heydon Bay. My grandma went with him and my mom was a young teen and stayed one last year in Vancouver with relatives and then she also went up to Loughborough. She married my dad who was also working up there as the camp mechanic in 1949 and I was born in November of 1950. She came out to Vancouver and stayed with her cousin and had me at Vancouver General Hospital and then brought me back. The only way in then and now was by boat or float plane. Back in those days it was the Union Steam Ship and that is how she brought me home. In 1953 she did the same thing and brought home my brother.

This last weekend we went back. We chartered a water taxi out of Campbell River and had the most perfect man captain us up there. He was born (a week before me!) in Campbell River and lived all his life up there. He was a captain on the BC Ferries for 31 years until he retired last year and now he does this basically for fun and over the summer months. He is employed by the nice young fellow at WayWest Water Taxi's in Campbell River. (If given half a chance I could be very interested in this man! It at least showed me I could be interested in a man again) So he took us up there and it was a trip of a lifetime. He said we were doing something that most people talk about doing and never actually do, going back to where we came from.

As wonderful as it was to see it ourselves it was my Mom's face that really made it for me. It brought back so many memories for her, some really bad but lots really good. My grandpa's ashes were scattered there when he died in 1950. The Campbell River Indian Band now has the land and we had contacted them and asked permission to go up. The chief was very nice and he in turn contacted the fellow up there to tell him we were coming. As we pulled in this speed boat came screaming out to basically challenge us it seemed but when we explained who we were and the chief had given permission etc he said yes the chief was his cousin and had phoned to say we were coming but he was on his way into Campbell River but we could go on in and check things out. He said someone else had been up about 5 years earlier and had brought some pictures and they were on the wall of the cookhouse. We all hopped off and headed up the dock but the captain of our boat stayed back and chatted with the guy and showed him mom's pictures she had brought with us and he asked if mom could leave her phone number so he could contact her and hear some of the history of the place etc. We left our number and mom is going to get some of the pictures copied and enlarged and send them up to him.

We made our way up to the cookhouse and found the pictures on the wall and mom recognized the lady in the first picture and knew who the fellow was that had been there 5 years ago. My brother was moving down the line of pictures and pointed to another and said to Mom, "Do you know who she is?" and mom looked at it and goes. "That's me!" It was incredible and it felt so right to be there. I was 4 when we left and even though I didn't specifically remember the place I did feel like it was coming home. A weird feeling of it just being right. The captain was telling us he was reading this book and it was saying when and where we are born there is a specific magnetic pull and when you go back you sometimes can fee the rightness of where you are and really to me when I get on the ocean and see the mountains and the trees it is just right and it always feels like I'm where I should be.

I have pictures of me on the logging road in front of our house and by accident I stood in basically the same spot and took a picture down the road and the scenery is exactly the same. Amazing to see. Lots more to say but really do need to get moving today and head off to work. We rescued a couple of guys off a burning fishboat on the way back. That was also amazing. As they leaped from their burning boat onto ours the flames were burning through the open doorway of the cabin. All they got off with was the clothes on their backs and their survival suits clutched in their hands. I'll add more tonight but here's a couple of pictures. OK well blogger is not cooperating and will not allow me to upload any pictures so I'll have to try a different approach. Let me work on this ....................

Well in the mean time here is a picture of the where I came from and also a picture of the burning boat.

http://s89.photobucket.com/albums/k207/Axazwrath/?action=view&current=4fd26fdb.jpg

I just realized it shows in an album on there and you can click through the pics so I will label them as I go and you can click through them all. It will probably take me a couple of days to get them all up.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Feeling great

I'm feeling so much better and so much stronger this week. Without realizing it I think my looming anniversary was really getting to me and I had a few bad weeks beforehand. But the day passed and I am fine.

This Saturday I am going to try and make it up to an old friends house. We went to school together and actually met sitting in the counsellors office in grade 8. We were both in trouble of course and waiting to be yelled at. We bonded lol

She had her twin boys 6 months before I had my first son and they were buddies when little. She had 4 kids, the twin boys, another boy and finally a little girl. We stayed in touch up until about 10 years ago and have reconnected in the last 6 months. One of the twins who now lives in Japan is here with his wife and Linda is having an family get together on Saturday and wants me to bring Lacey and come. I am going to try my best to get up there and see the kids.

I think tonight Ryan and I are going to go and see a movie and then next weekend is my weekend on the island with my brother and his wife and my mom. That is going to be a lot of fun too. Lacey is coming of course. Oh yeah..............last Friday was D-Day for the animals and both headed off to the vet to be fixed. Poor babies and poor me. I was a nervous wreck and was sure something bad was going to happen to at least one of them if not both. But they were both fine and the challenge this week has been to keep Lacey clean and not let her jump into the pond or dig and roll in the dirt at work and then last night I was in the bath and she suddenly leaped up and over and into the tub with me. Shocked us both I think. I don't know what she thought I was doing in there but I don't think she suspected it had to do with a tub full of water. In any rate I caught her before she sunk and managed to get her out pretty quick but then she was half wet and running all over the bathroom. But oh well, she was happy and she made me laugh and the bathroom was easy to clean :)

I'm thinking of taking some kind of night course this winter and am just waiting for all the lists of classes to come out. I've also started knitting again basically because I want to make Lacey a few sweaters and of course Lily (Jude's dog) will need a few as well. It is pretty cold at work over the winter with cement floors and all. Lacey has a bed at work of course as does Lily but still they are down there and it is darn cold so a few nice warm work sweaters will be good. Then of course if that works out they will need a couple of nice sweaters for when they go out when they aren't at work.................yes yes I know but who the hell cares!! If I want to knit sweaters for my dog I'll knit sweaters for my dog and she will be very well dressed too!

Well it's off to work for me. After I get back from the island I'm going to make a doctor's appointment and get my liver function tests and see where I'm at there and then I guess I'll make an appointment with the liver specialist and see if he has any drug trial's looming and keep my name in there. As to treatment well we'll see how it all plays out with work and everything else.

Thursday, August 10, 2006

August 10, 1977

Today is my 29th wedding anniversary. This morning on my way to work I was trying to remember how I felt on that day 29 years ago. It's funny but I don't remember any overwhelming feelings of love or passion. My friend took the kids the night before and we got up in the morning and got dressed and headed out with our witnesses to the office of the marriage registrar in New Westminster and were married in about 5 minutes flat. We then went to the beach for the day just across the border in the US and bought some bottles of cheap wine.....way too much cheap wine. I remember waking up pretty hung over the next day and don't exactly remember coming home the night before. Then we picked up the kids and life went on just as it had in the weeks and months before, the only difference was we were legal.

It's strange to think I also brought Hep C along with 2 kids into the marriage. For 13 years I didn't know it but it was there lurking and waiting and quietly doing it's damage, sapping my energy and making me a different person than I would be today if it hadn't come along for the ride.

What did Al bring to the marriage? Well he was 22 years old and had just been released from a federal prison. We met in a bar just down the street from his half-way house 5 months before we got married. He says now that he doesn't think he ever loved me and we probably wouldn't have got married if I hadn't had the kids already. His parents died in a car accident that he and his sister were also hurt in, on their way to Disneyland when he was 9 years old. They got hit by a drunk driver. He layed in emergency with broken arms and legs and watched them pronounce them dead. He lived with older brothers that didn't really want him until he became a runaway at 16. He got into trouble after trouble until he turned 19 and then he robbed a bank and got sent away to a federal prison. I met him when he was on his way out. We were both so young and so fucked up. Both of us from bad places before we met each other. He says that he thinks I was a mother figure to him and that he desperately wanted a built in family so he married me.

I really don't think when he says these things he realizes or intentionally sets out to hurt me the way he does, I think he is not thinking about me at all, just the pain he finds himself in. 29 years. Gone and wasted. We do have a wonderful son from the union. He did help me raise the boys. I've grown and learned. Maybe we both served a purpose in each others lives. I don't know. I do know that I never would have left him or the marriage. Not because I loved him too much but because I never could have hurt him that way. So what does that say. Did I love him or was I wanting to fix him and give him a stable life with a family? I don't know anymore. Maybe some day it will all be clear to me what my feelings and motivations were. I thought I loved him and I thought he loved me.

Monday, July 24, 2006

Quebec & Ottawa

I've been back a week and getting back into the swing of things both at home and at work. Lacey stayed with Jude and Ed and their two dogs, Wilson an Airdale and Lily the Miniature Schnauzer that comes to work with us everyday. I knew she would be fine with them and have a good time with the other dogs and that is exactly what I wanted for her but I was still stressed about leaving her and was worried she would have such a good time she wouldn’t want to come home again. I know how stupid that sounds but there ya go. She was fine and was very happy to see me when I got home.

Nemo on the other hand I wasn’t worried about as he was at home safe and sound and had Ryan with him to continue his routine and make sure he was fed etc. Well Nemo went into a snit and every day when Ryan got home, Nemo had torn up paper and spread it all over the apartment. The first day he got on the table and got all the paper napkins and shredded them all over the place. The next day he got the roll of paper out of Ryan’s bathroom and shredded it all over the apartment. And so it went. When I got home he had one more shredding fit with the toilet paper in my bathroom. I guess that was his final “screw you!!!! Go away and leave me and see what happens!!”

When I got home late on the Saturday night I opened the door and put Lacey down and she and Nemo took one startled look at each other and then threw themselves at each other and rolled into a ball playing and chasing each other around the apartment for half an hour. They were so happy to see each other. He was happy to see me too but he really missed his buddy. They are back to normal and Lacey is making sure she gets all the treats and stealing all of Nemo’s. I have to give him his treat up high where Lacey can’t reach it or it’s gone.

So the trip…….. Well it was very nice to go and see my brother and my niece. She is very bilingual and did a lot of translating for me in stores and such. My brother has been married to his current wife for 4 years. A year ago they split up for a bit and then got back together again. Last winter they bought a beautiful little house on a lake not too far from Mt. Trembant. It has a wrap around porch and hardwood floors. Very cute. Well I guess just before we got there they had been fighting a lot and by the time we got there they were on the verge of breaking up again. It was not very comfortable. The wife is French and basically pretended she couldn’t understand most of what we said. Thank god she worked most of the days we were there so we did get a break from it all. Her son who is 27 is staying with them was very nice to us. He has quite a bit of English so he spent some time trying to teach us some stuff and translating for his mother.

Lots more to that story but not my story to tell. Suffice it to say that after we left they had the discussion and have called it quits. They will sell the house and both go their separate ways. Steve has been talking about maybe coming home to BC now that Gabrielle is 10 and can fly out for summers and holidays. He shares custody of her and gets her on all holidays and for 2 out of every 3 weekends. We’ll see what happens, but it would be nice to see him home again although I know how much he would miss Gabrielle and I’m not sure how well she would take him moving away.

I thoroughly enjoyed my time spent with Gabrielle. She is a lovely young lady and very smart and pretty with waist length hair. The lake was very warm and we swam lots and then I would brush out her hair for her. We played with beads and she spent quite a bit of time plugged into my discman listening to the disc I had made for the trip. I made her a disc and am mailing it today with all her favourite songs. She cried when we left and as I stood there and watched Mom and Steve hug and say their goodbyes I had this flash of “this might be the last time he ever sees Mom”. It really made me think about how old she is getting (75) and so I’ve been making sure I call her each day and chat for awhile. Spending that week with her also made me realize she is getting elderly. She just doesn’t have the energy or stamina anymore for long days or stressful situations.

We flew out of Vancouver at 9:10 on Saturday morning on WestJet which was very nice. The plane wasn’t full and we had our row of three seats to ourselves. Mom let me have the window seat as I wanted to take pictures and she really didn’t care if she had a window seat since she flew back 4 years ago when Steve got married. It is a five hour flight and was uneventful. TV in the back of the seats, headphones and carts to bring around drinks (pop, coffee, water, tea etc) and snacks. You buy sandwiches from them if you want more. I’ve never been across Canada and even though everyone tells you how flat the prairies are you just don’t grasp it until you see it for yourself. From the air it is totally flat with patchwork areas of farmed fields growing different crops. Manitoba when you go over has hundreds of little lakes. Coming into Laval airport you could see the smog. It was almost like a purple/brown line in the air with gorgeous deep blue sky above and haziness below.

With landing at Laval we never actually went into Montreal. You fly over it to land but then when we got our luggage, we headed north towards Mt. Tramblant. Lots of very pretty little towns and really you could pretend you were in BC in most areas and not know the difference. We have higher mountains but theirs are quite a bit older than ours. I loved all the little farm houses most with wrap around porches. We headed to St. Jovite and had dinner there and got a few groceries and headed home to Steve’s. Ginette worked that day until 11 pm so didn’t really see her until the next morning. She was cool but polite. Anyway we headed to Gabrielle’s to pick her up and saw her Mom and their new house. Had a nice visit and then headed back to Steve’s for a swim in the lake.

Monday we headed up to the mountain. Reminded me quite a bit of Whistler. I took Gabrielle to the Build a Bear and we picked out a new puppy to go with her puppy that daddy got her 2 years ago from the same place. The old dog was Rosy and so she picked Rosy and friend and called her Roxy. We had to get them both an outfit or two of course and then she spent the next couple of days making them very pretty collars from my beads. We toured the town and then headed home to a Lobster dinner to celebrate Steve and Philippe’s birthday (that is the wife’s son) which was on the Tuesday. Tuesday we were into St. Jovite for some groceries and a walking tour of the town. I really liked St. Jovite. An old town with lots of nice old buildings and a thriving night life with outdoor cafĂ©’s and bars. Took a lot out of Mom though as it was very hot and humid. Back for a quiet evening and early to bed as we were heading to Ottawa the next day. The wife elected to stay home which considering the tension by that time, we were very happy about.

Because Steve works for the Fairmont chain we got a very good rate at the Chateau Laurier in Ottawa. It is a very old luxurious hotel right in downtown Ottawa, next to the locks and then the parliament buildings. They gave us a corner room on the bottom floor with a sitting room area in it. Very nice! Gabrielle kept saying, “Aunty they are treating us like royalty!” We headed out and got the Greyline Tour bus which we thought was the best way to see Ottawa as we had no idea of where anything was. The tour bus was an open double decker bus and we sat up top right in the front so we could hear and see everything. The tour guide checked to see who was English and who was French and as it turned out we were all English so he only had to do it in one language. We saw all the stuff we’ve heard about on the news for years. The parliament buildings, Rideau Canal and River, the RCMP musical ride horses, barns and fields, the Governor-General’s residence, the Prime Ministers residence along with many of the embassies and museums. The American embassy was interesting to see. They have a huge cement building that looks like a fortress, surrounded by a high wrought iron fence. Then a sidewalk and that is then surrounded by high thick metal pylons and that is then surrounded by huge cement abutments. I can understand why they are nervous but really it seemed overkill to me.

After the tour we headed back to the hotel and had a drink and a cleanup and then headed out again. As it happened there was a boat in the locks getting ready to go through so we got to watch the whole process. Very interesting and still done by hand cranking after all these years. Then on to the parliament buildings. Very glad I got to see them up close. Very beautiful and old.

Well I’m at work and better get back to it. Will finish this later.

Monday, June 26, 2006

It's HOT!!


We aren't used to the blistering heat at this end of the country and it's 32 degrees here and we are sweltering. Lacey has been wrapping herself around the cold toilet base in my bathroom and Nemo is sleeping in the sink. At least he seems comfortable. I know how much the heat bothers Lacey and I don't have air conditioning in my car or my apartment so I have come up with a system for her. I went to the dollar store and bought some small hot water bottles. I keep 2 in the car and 2 in the apartment. I put them in the fridge and she sleeps on them. We have a revolving system where when we get ready to leave for work in the morning we take the two on her pillow on the bed and put them in the fridge. The ones in the car are cool from the underground parking garage and she has a bed in the car with a snuggly blanket in it and then the 2 water bottles side by side in the bed. She just hops right across the seat and leaps into her bed and settles down. When we get to work we take them in with us and throw them in the fridge there for the day and then at the end of the day when the ride home is sweltering she is as comfy as can be. She just gets on them and curls up and sleeps all the way home. Before I came up with that she hated the hot car and would move constantly trying to find a cool spot, panting and whining. No more! Now she is a comfy puppy with her own private waterbeds!

She went to the groomer yesterday and got some bows in her ears. Last time I took her she got some really pretty purple bows and I brought her home and set her down to get the camera and Nemo took one look at those bows and ripped them out immediately so this time I got at least one picture before Nemo saw them. They didn't last long but looked cute while they lasted. Today is her vet appointment to get her last set of shots and then all that's left is getting her spayed in a couple of months. Nemo too, I'm going to get him neutered as soon as he is old enough. I'll look into it as soon as I get home from Quebec. Two weeks!

Mom has made the arrangements for the trip to Loughbourough. I had forgotten but grandpa's ashes were scattered there. The land belongs to the Campbell River First Nation and we have contacted them and the chief said no problem about stopping there and having a look. They are working on a Salmon enhancement program there now so it should be interesting. Both the hotel and the charter boat will allow Lacey so I'm happy. We are booked for the weekend of the 26th of August. So something else to look forward to.

I'm feeling good and we are busy at work. With just the four of us there I have been taking care of the Nursery and am outside a good portion of the day so I'm getting brown and blonder. I am trying to remember to drink water and not just pop. I look pretty funny when I'm weeding. I sit on a nursery wagon we have and push a wheelbarrow ahead of me up and down the rows of potted trees. Lacey sits behind me on the wagon and we can cover a fair amount of ground in a day. I weed, prune and check the drip lines as I go. Lacey loves the weeds with dirt on the ends and will grab the occasional one and shake dirt everywhere. She hops into some of the pots and pulls a few of her own and then back behind me on the wagon. I have a bowl back there for her that I keep water in and we are a good pair. If I am in the sun too much I'll take her inside and put her to bed in my office area on the cool cement floor for awhile. She usually hates being left behind but when she's had enough there are no complaints from her and she just curls up and sleeps for awhile. As you can tell she consumes a lot of my time and thoughts and that's good. Our baby fish and getting bigger and nobody ate them. They managed to hide in the plants long enough to get big.

The heat is climbing and is already 34 today. I just got a plastic bowl and put a couple of ice cubes in it for Nemo and he is happily playing with that in the middle of the kitchen floor. Lacey is back to hugging the toilet but for me it's time to get dressed and get her ready to go to the vet for her shots. Then a nice walk in the park before it gets really hot and then home for a quiet afternoon and then back to work tomorrow. This is a 4 day week for me then we get the long weekend and another 4 day week and then I'm off for the week. All is good here and I am feeling really upbeat and happy. I do much better we no association with Al. He emailed me to say he is broke and can no longer give me any support so now I don't think I'll hear from him much at all. It's probably better that way although I will miss the extra $400 a month he was giving me. Oh well. I can take care of myself and I will!

Friday, June 16, 2006

TGIF

Well another week is almost over and it's only 3 weeks till I go to Quebec. The time has sure flown by. I went out clothes shopping last week and had a blast! Got a bunch of new tank tops and capri pants among other things. I go tomorrow and get my hair cut and streaked and I'll be all set.

My mom wants to make a trek back to where we were living when my brother Willy and I were born. My grandpa had a logging company on the west coast in one of the inlets that was and still is only accessible by boat or seaplane. My mom went there as a teen and that is where she met my father and they got married. When she had me she flew out a few weeks early and stayed with family in Vancouver and I was born at VGH as was my brother but then she flew back in with us when we were still tiny.

There wasn't much there except the logging camp and a main road and float houses. I have a few pictures and our course a few stories that I was told over the years. Such as, I was a child that hated clothes. Mom would get me dressed as a two year old and put me out in the front yard to play while she did a bit of housework. Pretty soon she would hear the logging trucks toot tooting as they went by and she'd go and check and there I would be, start naked, swinging on the front gate waving at the trucks as they went by. It's funny too cause all three of my kids would shed their clothes and run naked first chance they got.

The other thing I hated was being locked in the yard. They kept building higher and higher fences and mom would go out and I'd be gone. The last time over a 6' fence. Somehow I always managed to take my cocker spaniel with me too. Mom would go and look up the road and Richard ( the dog) would be sitting outside whose ever yard it was I had made it to. I liked to visit. She'd go and haul us back home again.

The other story I heard over and over was how mom and nana (her mom) had taken me out for a walk in my stoller down the gravel road when out of the bush came a mother black bear and cub. My mother took one look and headed running down the road the way she had come as fast as she could and left me behind sitting in the stroller looking at the bears. I always did like animals. Nana grabbed the stroller and dragged it backwards down the road running along behind mom.

Anyway we left there when I was 3 and William was a baby and none of us ever went back. Mom has been wanting to go back and see it again and Willy and I would love to see it. So mom has been looking into charters and the logistics of this and it is definitely do-able. It would be Mom, Willy and Joy (his wife) and the puppy and I. Everything would be split 4 ways and we would go over on the ferry to the island on a Friday after work and drive up to Courtenay and spend the night there. The next morning we would drive up to Campbell River and get our charter and head to Loughbourough Inlet and Hayden Bay. It is a 2 hour trip up and we'd stay an hour and then 2 hours back. Then we could spend a few hours in Campbell River and maybe have dinner there and then back to Courtenay for the night and then home on the ferry on Sunday in time to go back to work on the Monday morning. All told without meals it would cost us about $250 each. So we are aiming for sometime in either August or September depending on how booked up the charter place is. It really sounds like fun and will be a nice trip up the coast of BC. I'll take a ton of pictures.

I'm feeling pretty good, just very tired. At least one night a week and sometimes 2, I get home, have a quick dinner and then fall asleep and nap most of the evening. I get up long enough to take the puppy to pee and then back to bed and I sleep through the night. Oh, forgot, for Christmas Jude and I both got 1 hour full body massages for the European Day Spa and we haven't used them yet. So the Thursday before I leave for Quebec we are booked in for our massages and we are also going to get our eyebrows waxed. I've never had anything waxed so this should be interesting. When I get home from Quebec I plan on going back to see my family doctor and getting my bloodwork done and see where I'm at.

The kitten and the puppy are both doingvery well and the puppy loves going back and forth to work with me. She's a great traveller and just hops in her bed and sleeps while the car is running. When I turn the car off she stands up and stretches and hops into my lap and waits to get out. She's very sweet and very smart so far. She is a bully with the cat but he can get away if he wants and he doesn't so he can't mind it too much. Oh and I have baby fish! My platy has had babies and by the time we saw them there were 3. There are still 3 and they are hiding in the plants and growing. If they get seen they will get eaten by the other fish but so far so good.

Well I'm off. I have to hit the bank on my way home from work and then I am planning on having a very quiet evening. Big sale here at work tomorrow and then I have my hair appointment after work. I'll be ready for a restfull weekend.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Lacey and Nemo





These two little animals make my days so much brighter. I can't tell you how often they make me laugh at their antics. Today they were playing in the livingroom and I took a few pictures. Lacey of course had to come right over and see what I was doing. She is with out a doubt the smartest dog I've ever had. I've paper trained her for the apartment and she goes outside when at work. I also have an area on the patio that I'm working on training her to go in. I have paper in three areas and she goes there without mistake the last week. Today I lifted the paper in the bathroom to sweep and she came in and looked around, hopped into the kitty litter pan and peed there and hopped out and went on about her day. I hope she keeps it up. It would sure make things easier if she uses it all the time in the apartment. Nemo doesn't seem to care either although he is very interested in the toilet lately and watches me like a hawk when I'm in there and is up on the toilet seat watching as I flush. If he starts using the toilet.........well let's just say it would be amazing!

4 weeks until Quebec! I'm getting excited. I've never flown that far before. I've never been east of Edmonton or south of Portland, OR so this will definitely be an experience. We are going to spend a night in Ottawa and see the sites there too. Mom was there a few years ago with Pat before he died and they took a bus tour of Ottawa and her and I will probably do the same. I'm planning on taking a ton of pictures. I'm feeling pretty good and will go for LFT when I get back. It's 3 months since the last set so I'm due. I am hoping I can hold out til winter to do anything. In the mean time I'm doing good.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Soul baring

So here is where I find myself. I am going to write it all down because first, it may help me to get it written down and second, if you are reading this, you don't know me so it is safe to do so.

Do I want him back? No
Would I still be in the marriage if he hadn't left? Yes

When Al left I was devastated and taken completely by surprise. We hadn't fought and we weren't mad at each other. He just left. I didn't yell and scream, I wrote emails because he couldn't or wouldn't talk to me so I wrote emails. I tried to be supportive and understanding of what he said he was going through. I had brief flareups of anger but for the most part I kept it hidden from him.

Then I found the email that asked for a room for two with a large jacuzzi tub etc and immediately phoned him. I asked him if he was with the lady he had been driving back and forth to work. He said yes. For weeks everyone had been telling me he must be having an affair. The kids, my mom, all my friends and finally the family doctor when I talked to him and explained why I wasn't going ahead with the treatment plan. I kept saying No he says he isn't and I believe him. He wouldn't do that. He is depressed and on and on. So when he said yes he was with Denise I felt so betrayed and hurt not only because he was having an affair but also because he let me believe for so long that he was depressed and working towards getting it together etc.

At that point all I wanted was to try and find an apartment and get away from the house. I was so torn because of the dogs. I knew I couldn't take them both with me but I was hoping I could at least find a place that would let me keep Keesha. The apartment I found that took animals did not take dogs her size. So I had to leave the animals behind and that also broke my heart. Keesha was my baby girl and she was 11 years old and I wasn't sure what Al would do about them. As it turned out he moved back into the house and is keeping both of the dogs.

After I got moved I emailed him and said before I move on with things I need to know that this is what you want. I need to know I've done everything I can to fix things. I also told him I would not spend the rest of my life alone and I wanted him to really thing about how he will feel if and when I do move on. He emailed me back and said yes this is what he wants and that he wanted to get together so we could talk and I could see the dogs etc. So we decided to meet on a Saturday morning and go for a walk. We did and he again reiterated that he needed to be alone and that he was alone. I asked him what about Denise? He said they had never been together other than friends. I said then why did you tell me you were with her? He said because I was yelling at him. I asked him about the hotel room etc and he said that a friend of theirs from work named Donna had moved to the island a year ago (which I did know about) and she was getting married and the gang at work had got together and purchased them a hotel room for a week as a wedding present. Do I believe that and him? At this point I just don't know. Anyway the upshot of the walk was we would get together and walk the dogs and see what transpired.

We did that for a few weeks but it was very obvious to me that he was only doing it to appease me and that he really couldn't wait till the walk was over so he could get away. We chatted but for him it was all surface stuff. I would tell him what was going on with me and the kids and work etc and he would comment but offer nothing of his own. Not what he was doing or where he was going or anything. When pushed he would say he has a list of things he needs/wants to do and he was working on it.

After one of the walks I went home and stewed about the whole thing with Denise. I thought about the phone call I made to him and I hadn't yelled at him until after he told me he was now with Denise. I wanted to talk to him about it and as it happened he phoned and asked if he could borrow a disk I had so I said sure I'll bring it up to the house and I did. He was having a drink (every time I see him at the house he has been drinking either beer or hard liquor) I said I needed to talk and to clarify a few things. I asked him again about Denise. I said you were either lieing to me then or you are lieing to me now. He said there was no affair. So then I asked him why he would do that to me then. He knew how much it hurt me either way. Either because he was having an affair or because he had so little regard for my feelings and didn't care if he was hurting me. He said "I don't know. Maybe I was trying to make you mad at me and hate me." He said he is the bad guy in all of this. I wasn't mad and maybe he needed me to be mad. I said but didn't you give any thought to how much it hurt me for you to do this to me? I told him about everyone saying he must be having an affair and that I had someone tell me about the rumors that were flying around about him and Denise and still I said No No he wouldn't lie to me about it. He said "Yes, Denise and I were aware of the rumors and found them amusing" I just said "I didn't find them amusing" and he stopped grinning and said No but I didn't know you were aware of the rumors or I would have put a stop to the game we were playing. At that point I just went home.

I emailed him a few days later and said after talking to him and what he said about the non affair and he and Denise finding it amusing that I realized all over again that he is done and wants nothing more to do with me. He said he wants to remain friends and be the guy that I can come to for help with broken things or to get silly emails from. He wants to be able to tell me what's happening in his life and all that other stuff. So I have not emailed him and haven't called him and waited to see if he was going to contact me first. He hasn't. I get second hand info from the kids but really hear nothing from him. So again he's lied and given me nothing but lip service. Anything to appease.

So I find myself alone and sad lots of days. I don't want him back but it still hurts terribly that he would treat me the way he did. After 28 years of marriage all we had ever said we wanted was to be able to afford a place of our own and 3 days before he left we were in the process of buying a place. So I had to mourn that loss.

The whole deal with treatment and everything that the doctor said to us. Al was there and heard what I heard. Every year of treatment buys me three years. The disease is progressive. The doctor wanted me in treatment now. He said I don't want to see you in ten years in end stage liver disease when you could be doing treatment now. Al heard all that and two weeks before treatment was to start he left. So again another thing I had to deal with. Not only the lack of treatment but the lack of caring or concern on his part.

The loss of my family and my dogs was another stage of the pain that I had to work through. I miss us being together as a family with the kids coming to the house whenever. The loss of a companion as well. That best friend aspect that he was for me. I told him everything. All the little things of the day you save up to tell when you get home. I miss all that. I always thought in terms of us as little old people together. Me and my best friend. That is probably what I miss the most. I go places like shopping or the mall or park and I see old people or older couples walking and talking and I think what was so bad that he had to walk away from it like that. What did I do or not do that made this happen and then I think don't be stupid. I am not taking all the blame and I have no idea what is running through his head but the fact remains that these various strangers have managed to stay together and Al felt he couldn't stand to stay married to me for the rest of his life so...........why? He can't seem to tell me other than he feels something is missing and needs to figure out what it is.

So finally I have accepted that my marriage is over and we are done. It is painful. I look ahead and I can't see myself with anyone else. What I said to him about not spending the rest of my life alone was more to make him think about it and see if it bothered him at all that I may some day sleep with some other person and it obviously doesn't bother him. I guess what I still can't get past is how little he cared at the end to treat me the way he did with no apparent concern at all. I literally went from feeling loved and wanted and secure one day to totally unloved and abandoned the next. It was just so shocking and cold.

I have learned to control my thoughts and not think about it when I am at work or around family or friends. I stay busy busy busy. But sometimes the fear of the future and the fear of the disease gets to me and I have to shut myself away and have a cry. I have to trust that this too will pass. Somehow I will manage to do treatment, work and keep my life together. I know I have to get through all the crap and tears before I can be open to any new experiences that come my way and I try. It's hard. Everyone looks at me and thinks how strong I am and how well I am doing and how good I look. But inside I am afraid and hurt and now insecure. I have my puppy and kitten and they help keep my days full. They make me laugh. My baby girl Lacey is my little shadow and Nemo is a lovey boy that purrs and snuggles so I hold on to them and push the rest away as much as I can.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Lacey

Well here I am 5 months later and lots has changed and lots has stayed the same. I am very busy at work and during the day I am occupied and my mind is on work. My blue times of day are the drives back and forth for some reason. Maybe that is the only time I can't keep busy and so my mind drifts and some days I suddenly realize I am driving along and tears are streaming down my face. Other than that I stay as busy as possible and try to stay as positive as possible.

I am loving the apartment with the dishwasher and hating that fact I no longer have a washer and dryer. So I guess we give up one convenience for another. The building has a laundry room and it costs $3 to wash and dry a load. I usually do 2 or three loads a week and Ryan does a load or two so it adds up quickly. The apartment itself has a space for a stacking washer and dryer so I may see if I can find a second hand set and buy it. But the dishwasher is wonderful!

I have thinned down my plants and trees on the balcony to what I really want to keep and that is much better as well. I have my swing glider love seat out there and it is very nice in the evenings. I also decided to look for a puppy. I've always wanted a lapdog type of dog but Al was never into a small dog. He wanted big dogs so that is what we got. I hated leaving the dogs behind and cried myself sick over it. I do have access to them and can go any day to see them if I like but it is painfully obvious that Al would be happier if I would just disappear so I don't go often as seeing him still upsets me. I thought I would start looking for a small dog and after I got back from Quebec get one.

I started with looking for a Papillion but they were definitely out of my price range. Then I went to the swap meet on Mother's Day and at the gate was a man and his daughter with a litter of Shih Tzu puppies. I am a sucker for puppies and they were adorable. The first one I picked up just snuggled right up and stole my heart. Her name is Lacey. Her birthday is the 12th of March so she is almost 2 weeks younger than Nemo. I brought her home and put her down and she walked over to Nemo and sat in front of him. His ears went back but he also just sat and looked at her. They were friends by the end of the day.

I take Lacey to work with me every day and when I get home at night her feet are running as I open the door. I put her down and Nemo is already running to meet her and they meet and roll into a ball of wrestling fur. They chase each other around and sleep together. Lacey chews on Nemo's ears and he boxes hers. I worry about her little buggy eyes and his claws as they get pretty exuberant in their play. Ryan says we are going to end up with a cat with no ears and a blind dog! Her best dog buddy is Lily at work and they have bonded also. Lacey is a pain in Lily's butt but when she gets to be too much I just put her to bed in my office area and give her a time out.

She insisted on sleeping between the rollers of my chair even though she has a basket bed there so Jude and I rigged her up a bed on top of the rollers of the chair. She loves it and climbs in and out herself and rides along when I push the chair around with my feet to get to various areas of the office. She also races all over the tree farm with me. The other day I was taking some pictures for an add that is appearing in a local gardening magazine and she suddenly leaped into the pond! I waited a sec to see what she would do next and she bobbed to the surface and swam over, climbed out, shook herself and went along her way. Funny little girl she is and I love her to pieces already. She is a great companion and I'm very happy I got her. She helps to keep my mind occupied and keep me busy.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Babies


It has been very busy at work and we are working six days a week through the month of May so I get home and basically just collapse in a heap. We had a pair of geese at work with 8 eggs in their nest and then one morning we came to work and the eggs were all broken and the geese were gone. At first we blamed it on the coyote that we see quite often around the office but then we realized that the eggs were not smashed but more like they have a hole bitten in them and then were sucked on and we did have a mink that we saw at work one day over the winter. So whoever it was they got the eggs.

This morning a pair of geese showed up in the same spot with one baby. We are hoping it's the same pair and they managed to save the one egg and hide it away and hatch it. The baby is very small and brand new but so cute. They had him out eating and then took him for a swim and then when we were around the other side of the pond they led him up the berm, around the barn and out into the back. He is so cute.

Then awhile later Khush came and got me and said there is a duck with babies out there. I grabbed my camera and went out and there was a mother duck with 10 little ducklings but she was with a goose. We can't tell if it is a male or female goose but they have formed a unit and the 12 of them stick together and the goose protects the duck and the ducklings. If you get too close the goose sticks her neck out and hisses at you and puts itself between you and the ducks.


Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Busy busy

Wow time flies on bye when you are busy. With only 4 of us at work our day is as full as can be. Then some days when I get home I'm so tired I do a couple of things, sit to watch tv and fall asleep and sleep till morning. This usually happens about once a week. So I guess I make up for it in one fell swoop. My day usually starts about 4:45am with Nemo racing around the bed so I lay there for a few minutes and then get up and get Ryan up and moving. He has to be at work at 6am so we usually leave the apartment around 5:30. By the time I get the car warmed up and moving and get him to work and get back myself it is 6am. Then I get ready myself and have been leaving by around 6:30 and am at work close to 7am. Work till 3:30 (usually) and then home. Some days we don't get out of there til almost 4 but we aim for 3:30.

I get home, feed the kitten, feed the fish, do anything around the house that needs doing, do dinner and sit to watch my soaps. If I'm lucky I last till they are done and then fall asleep many nights before 9pm. This week we are going to start being open on Saturday's at work so we'll all be working 6 days a week for awhile. We'll see how that goes. I'm hoping to bank the extra day each week so I have a full paycheque for the week I'm gone to Quebec.

Last Saturday Jude and Lynne and I went to Dart's Garden and really enjoyed that. We went to White Rock afterwards and had fish and chips for lunch and then checked out a little store that makes jewelry that we had parked right in front of. I got a chunky type of bracelet (the black and silver one) that I really liked so I came home and made a pair of earrings to go with it. Some of her other stuff inspired me so I made a bracelet and earrings (the green set) on Monday night and I'm going to make a necklace to go with it on girls night on Thursday. It's at my house this week.

Nemo is great and gets very spunky. He flies around the house now and gets into trouble in all sorts of ways! He loves the fish. He sat on the end of the couch the other night and watched them for awhile then he ran full tilt down the couch and launched himself at the glass front of the aquarium and looked so confused when he hit the glass and slid down and disappeared below the couch. He sure makes me laugh.

The other night I went to bed and left the computer on as I always do and when I woke up in the morning I shook the mouse to kill the screensaver and there were about 5 or 6 windows open on my desktop! One was asking for a disk to be inserted, another was my "run" with a long string of eeeeeeeeeeeeee's in it. He must have danced all over my keyboard! I just hope he didn't download anything.

My liver bothers me a bit and gives me a jab every so often just to remind me it's there. I am ignoring it for the time being and will go back for liver function tests when I get back from Quebec in July. I will see where I'm at then and deal with it accordingly. If all is ok I am planning on going back to the specialist in the fall and see what he has to say and I guess see about starting treatment next January.

I've seen Al a few times and gone with him to walk the dogs on the dike on weekend mornings. I really don't think we will ever get back together again and I'm not even sure I would want to at this point but after 28 years I do feel we need to make the effort and see if there is anything left at all to the marriage. Before I can move on with my life I need to know that I did everything possible.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Finding Nemo


Today Lynnie and I went to the flea market still on the hunt for a kitten and also I was thinking I would like to get back into having an aquarium again. So we went and the only kitten near the gate was a beautiful Burmese kitten but the girl wanted $350 for him!! Not what I wanted to pay plus I had decided a short haired kitty would be best and I wanted to get a white one if at all possible. So we continued on and there was a super good deal on an aquarium. Looked to be probaby a 30 gallon tank with a wrought iron stand and all the supplies included gravel, 2 filters, 2 underground filters, pump, artificial plants and rocks etc all for $30 so I said I'd take it and the guy kept it there for us as we continued on.

We went all through the outside area and looked at the plants and stuff and then into the building and all through there and then noticed they had people set up outside on the other side in a pole barn and more beyond so we wandered all through there as well. As we were heading out to the gate to get the car and take it around to the other area to load up the fish tank I noticed a van with the back doors open and a cat carrier inside with a bag of dry cat food sitting on top. I stopped and bent over and peeked in and there were two kittens inside. A little orange one and a pure white one. I went and found the lady and she came back and tried to give me the orange one to hold and said this one is $4o and the other is $60. I said I am more interested in the white one, may I see it please. She hesitated and then brought him out and said well I don't really want to sell him and I said $6o because I didn't think you'd want him then. I said well I do want him so $60 is fine. She then said well I would have asked $100 for him actually but I'll let you have him for $70. I said fine after a bit of dickering because there was another lady standing right behind me waiting for her turn to see the kittens and I knew he would be gone if I didn't take him right then and there. So he is mine! He has one blue eye and one green eye and on the way home we decided to call him Nemo because he came with a fish tank lol. Well the same day as the fish tank anyway. See allow me to introduce you to Nemo the newest member of the household. Isn't he adorable!!

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Before on garden spot


This is a sad looking area isn't it. The building to the right is the office and the first bit of window you can see is my office area. To the left it climbs up to the pond and is beautiful but this little area has been left and is a mess. The barn we want to save as it is a heritage building and been there over a hundred years. We are trying to save the money from here and there to put a new roof on it. This is the area that we are planning on putting our work garden. My swing will come over to this area as well. We are planning on some days after work to just shut the gates and stay and garden.

I'm going to put a few pictures of my trees that I managed to cram onto my balcony. I kept my Full Moon Maple, Shojo Nomura Maple, Samurai Maple, my Grace Smokebush, 2 Rhodo's, 2 Azaleas, my new Pink Parfait Hydrangea, my climbing Hydrangea, a Pink Mallow and my Blue River II Hibiscus and my Red Heart Hibiscus. I've brought home since I've been here a Blue Gracewort, Candy Tuft, a creeping raspberry, a gorgeous heather called Kramer's Red and a Catoneaster that I'm planning on putting under my trees in the same pots. Oh yes I brough home a chive as well. I was planning on putting some annuals under the trees then thought why not just put some small shrubs that flower each year or get berries. There is just enought room to have two chairs and a table between with my water fountain that sounds so pretty running. Yes Ryan does think I'm insane but he keeps it to himself for the most part and I think he actually enjoys having the plants out there as that is where he is relegated to smoke!



The trees outside the property that I look out on, are leafing out beautifully and it is very pretty and secluded up here. The way the building is layed out you can not see any other balconies when you are out on your own so it's nice and private. In the picture above you can see the wall that separates my balcony from the balcony of the apartment next door so I guess we'll be able to hear each other but that's about it.





The living room is pretty much done except for a chair that I would like to buy to put in front of the window. The apartment gets afternoon shade and one of those windows opens right up as does the door of course so I thought a chair right there at the widow with both the window and door open on those warm summer evenings would be very nice and comfy. I haven't found what I'm looking for yet but I will.

Well I am off to meet Al this morning and take the dogs for a walk. We are trying to talk things through and spend a bit of time together and see how we feel about things. I love seeing the dogs and getting out and walking them. Good exercise for all of us. Ryan and I have tossed back and forth getting a small apartment sized dog or a kitten and we both think a kitten is more in tune to our new lifestyle than a puppy would be. We are on the 3rd floor and I really can't see myself at 2 in the morning taking a small puppy down to have a pee. A kitten that will grow up living in an apartment and not being an outside cat at all will be better for us. Our cats that we found homes for were both used to being outside and would not have adapted well in an apartment so we are on the hunt now for the perfect kitten.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Brighter days


Things are looking much brighter and I'm feeling relaxed and good. I talked to Al over the weekend and we went out for a walk and some coffee. Lots was touched on but we'll see how it goes. He says I jumped to some conclusions that were not true but he never corrected my conclusions either. If nothing else we are starting to be able to be friends again.

The apartment is great! It's bright and easy to keep clean. I have it pretty much the way I want it and Ryan is happy with it as well. The only down side is his bedroom which he promises to get done this week. In the mean time I'm closing his door when I can't stand seeing it.

Work is good. Busy as we can handle and the weather is finally getting nicer and so that brings out the people wanting trees and shrubs for their gardens. Yesterday I worked outside most of the day setting up the one gallon area and cleaning out another area that we plan on putting discount plants into. Stuff that will come back but didn't overwinter very well. Khushwinder is planting around the ponds as he goes and has the time.

There is an area between the barn and office that we haven't done much with yet and Jude and I were looking at it yesterday and we are going to turn it into a garden area for us at work to garden in. Her husband Ed is going to build us some nice big raised beds and Khushwinder has fixed up the outside of the barn and put some window boxes in for us. We are going to move my porch swing into that area as well and it will be a nice little area we can use after work. We'll close the gates and sit and have a nice swing and then work on the garden. We want to put in some veggies that all of us at work like. We are all big squash eaters so we'll put a few tires on the bank and plant some squash in the tires, some carrots and maybe some broccoli and cauliflower, cukes and whatever else we feel like. All four of us and Ed if he's into it, can garden there whenever we get a minute during the day and after work as well.

Jude planted the window boxes the other night with petunias of various colours so that will look beautiful. There is a farm on the way home close to where I live now and they rent out garden plots to anyone who wants one and I've been looking at it each day and thinking I want to garden! So Jude and I talked about it yesterday and she was totally into it as well and Khush got interested immediately as well so this will work for all of us. I'll take pictures as we go. When I get home tonight or later today if I have a chance I'll take some pictures the way it is now and then as we go. I'm happy with what we got done yesterday. The guys are heading out on a job today so probably will be gone for most of the day so I can work my way along with the plan I started yesterday plus I need to get out there and get some pictures of the trees as they are getting their leaves. I noticed yesterday some of the trees are in bloom that I totally missed last year as it got so busy so quickly so I need to get out there today for sure and take those pictures.

We are going to be into the summer before we know it and I have to get together our catalog before the CanWest show in September. Lots of hours at home working on it but that's fine too as I can bank my hours for the week I'll be away in Quebec in July. I would like to get as many hours banked as possible for the coming winter for when I may need to be off here and there if I do start treatment. We'll see.

I was at Dave and Allies on the weekend and spent some good time with my baby girl and got some cute pictures of her. She sat on the table in front of me and made funny faces so I could take pictures and show them too her quickly on the screen. She'd laugh and laugh and then say Ok grandma take more. So I got quite a few of her being silly but manageed to sneak in a few good ones too. And as much as I hate getting my picture taken I let Allie get one of Christina and I together.




I'm looking forward to be able to go and pick her up on those warm evenings or weekends and head to the beach or park. That is if I can afford the gas!! Man the prices suck right now and they keep saying it's going to get worse.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Sunday


It was Jude's 50th birthday on Friday so a bunch of us were going to go out for dinner. I almost canceled because it was all couples. Then it was decided to all just stay at their place and have dinner there. I went and we had a nice time. It's very weird to go places where everyone else is drinking and smoking pot and you are doing neither. I don't mind other people drinking until they get drunk then I want nothing to do with them and the pot smoking doesn't bother me at all but it's weird to see people deteriorate as the evening goes on.

Al and I had a small email exchange and he says he is alone at the house and that I can come by and see the dogs any time. He's going to give Josh my key to give back to me so I can go when he's not there if I prefer. I'm not sure if it's a good idea or not. The thought of saying good bye to them over and over is not very appealing but I am missing them alot. He says we need to talk. Finally. I have no idea where his head is at or what he's thinking but it will be much easier to decipher if I can see his face.

The apartment is pretty much all unpacked and put away now. I like it and it's comfortable. Ryan is a good roommate and is quiet and spends a lot of his time in his room on his computer or sleeping. He starts work at 6am though and that's a drag because I am the person who drives him to work in the morning. So I drive him and then come home for an hour before I have to head out. He's been getting a ride home with someone from work but that guy got fired on Friday so I'm not sure if he's just going to wait for me to come get him or what.

Work has been pretty busy with the guys out on lots of jobs. Next week is a 4 day week and then a 4 day weekend and then another 4 day week. That will be nice. The weather is getting good and it's warming up considerably. My trees on the balcony are all getting their leaves. So pretty and delicate at this time of the year. One of my azaleas is getting ready to bloom as well. Jude and Barb and I were talking on Friday night about when the best time to head to the island will be and we haven't quite decided yet. Mom and I are booked for Quebec for the week of the 8th of July to the 15th so am hoping for good weather. Steve and Ginette live on a lake now and have their own dock. Not sure if it's a good swimming lake or not. I hope it is. I've lost a fair amount of weight so I am hoping to keep that trend going so I can at least feel comfortable in a bathing suit.

My liver area has been sore and for the last several days I have pain in my back that hurts when I swallow. I'm not sure what that's all about but it's about where my liver would be just in the back instead of the front. I am still covered under Al's extended health and am filing my income tax this next week so my portion of pharmacare should go down. Then maybe I can start treatment in the Fall after we are done with CanWest this year. I know I have to do it again but now with having to work being so important it's harder to pick the right time.

The top picture is my Full Moon Maple just opening it's leaves. I love the way it looks right now. The new green and the accordian style of unfolding. The other is my Shojo Namura getting it's leaves as well. My climbing Hydrangea has flower heads on it and this will be it's first year of bloom. My azalea is opening it's flower buds as well. The Samurai is just starting to get it's leaves but I'll post pictures as they come.