Monday, June 26, 2006

It's HOT!!

We aren't used to the blistering heat at this end of the country and it's 32 degrees here and we are sweltering. Lacey has been wrapping herself around the cold toilet base in my bathroom and Nemo is sleeping in the sink. At least he seems comfortable. I know how much the heat bothers Lacey and I don't have air conditioning in my car or my apartment so I have come up with a system for her. I went to the dollar store and bought some small hot water bottles. I keep 2 in the car and 2 in the apartment. I put them in the fridge and she sleeps on them. We have a revolving system where when we get ready to leave for work in the morning we take the two on her pillow on the bed and put them in the fridge. The ones in the car are cool from the underground parking garage and she has a bed in the car with a snuggly blanket in it and then the 2 water bottles side by side in the bed. She just hops right across the seat and leaps into her bed and settles down. When we get to work we take them in with us and throw them in the fridge there for the day and then at the end of the day when the ride home is sweltering she is as comfy as can be. She just gets on them and curls up and sleeps all the way home. Before I came up with that she hated the hot car and would move constantly trying to find a cool spot, panting and whining. No more! Now she is a comfy puppy with her own private waterbeds!

She went to the groomer yesterday and got some bows in her ears. Last time I took her she got some really pretty purple bows and I brought her home and set her down to get the camera and Nemo took one look at those bows and ripped them out immediately so this time I got at least one picture before Nemo saw them. They didn't last long but looked cute while they lasted. Today is her vet appointment to get her last set of shots and then all that's left is getting her spayed in a couple of months. Nemo too, I'm going to get him neutered as soon as he is old enough. I'll look into it as soon as I get home from Quebec. Two weeks!

Mom has made the arrangements for the trip to Loughbourough. I had forgotten but grandpa's ashes were scattered there. The land belongs to the Campbell River First Nation and we have contacted them and the chief said no problem about stopping there and having a look. They are working on a Salmon enhancement program there now so it should be interesting. Both the hotel and the charter boat will allow Lacey so I'm happy. We are booked for the weekend of the 26th of August. So something else to look forward to.

I'm feeling good and we are busy at work. With just the four of us there I have been taking care of the Nursery and am outside a good portion of the day so I'm getting brown and blonder. I am trying to remember to drink water and not just pop. I look pretty funny when I'm weeding. I sit on a nursery wagon we have and push a wheelbarrow ahead of me up and down the rows of potted trees. Lacey sits behind me on the wagon and we can cover a fair amount of ground in a day. I weed, prune and check the drip lines as I go. Lacey loves the weeds with dirt on the ends and will grab the occasional one and shake dirt everywhere. She hops into some of the pots and pulls a few of her own and then back behind me on the wagon. I have a bowl back there for her that I keep water in and we are a good pair. If I am in the sun too much I'll take her inside and put her to bed in my office area on the cool cement floor for awhile. She usually hates being left behind but when she's had enough there are no complaints from her and she just curls up and sleeps for awhile. As you can tell she consumes a lot of my time and thoughts and that's good. Our baby fish and getting bigger and nobody ate them. They managed to hide in the plants long enough to get big.

The heat is climbing and is already 34 today. I just got a plastic bowl and put a couple of ice cubes in it for Nemo and he is happily playing with that in the middle of the kitchen floor. Lacey is back to hugging the toilet but for me it's time to get dressed and get her ready to go to the vet for her shots. Then a nice walk in the park before it gets really hot and then home for a quiet afternoon and then back to work tomorrow. This is a 4 day week for me then we get the long weekend and another 4 day week and then I'm off for the week. All is good here and I am feeling really upbeat and happy. I do much better we no association with Al. He emailed me to say he is broke and can no longer give me any support so now I don't think I'll hear from him much at all. It's probably better that way although I will miss the extra $400 a month he was giving me. Oh well. I can take care of myself and I will!

Friday, June 16, 2006


Well another week is almost over and it's only 3 weeks till I go to Quebec. The time has sure flown by. I went out clothes shopping last week and had a blast! Got a bunch of new tank tops and capri pants among other things. I go tomorrow and get my hair cut and streaked and I'll be all set.

My mom wants to make a trek back to where we were living when my brother Willy and I were born. My grandpa had a logging company on the west coast in one of the inlets that was and still is only accessible by boat or seaplane. My mom went there as a teen and that is where she met my father and they got married. When she had me she flew out a few weeks early and stayed with family in Vancouver and I was born at VGH as was my brother but then she flew back in with us when we were still tiny.

There wasn't much there except the logging camp and a main road and float houses. I have a few pictures and our course a few stories that I was told over the years. Such as, I was a child that hated clothes. Mom would get me dressed as a two year old and put me out in the front yard to play while she did a bit of housework. Pretty soon she would hear the logging trucks toot tooting as they went by and she'd go and check and there I would be, start naked, swinging on the front gate waving at the trucks as they went by. It's funny too cause all three of my kids would shed their clothes and run naked first chance they got.

The other thing I hated was being locked in the yard. They kept building higher and higher fences and mom would go out and I'd be gone. The last time over a 6' fence. Somehow I always managed to take my cocker spaniel with me too. Mom would go and look up the road and Richard ( the dog) would be sitting outside whose ever yard it was I had made it to. I liked to visit. She'd go and haul us back home again.

The other story I heard over and over was how mom and nana (her mom) had taken me out for a walk in my stoller down the gravel road when out of the bush came a mother black bear and cub. My mother took one look and headed running down the road the way she had come as fast as she could and left me behind sitting in the stroller looking at the bears. I always did like animals. Nana grabbed the stroller and dragged it backwards down the road running along behind mom.

Anyway we left there when I was 3 and William was a baby and none of us ever went back. Mom has been wanting to go back and see it again and Willy and I would love to see it. So mom has been looking into charters and the logistics of this and it is definitely do-able. It would be Mom, Willy and Joy (his wife) and the puppy and I. Everything would be split 4 ways and we would go over on the ferry to the island on a Friday after work and drive up to Courtenay and spend the night there. The next morning we would drive up to Campbell River and get our charter and head to Loughbourough Inlet and Hayden Bay. It is a 2 hour trip up and we'd stay an hour and then 2 hours back. Then we could spend a few hours in Campbell River and maybe have dinner there and then back to Courtenay for the night and then home on the ferry on Sunday in time to go back to work on the Monday morning. All told without meals it would cost us about $250 each. So we are aiming for sometime in either August or September depending on how booked up the charter place is. It really sounds like fun and will be a nice trip up the coast of BC. I'll take a ton of pictures.

I'm feeling pretty good, just very tired. At least one night a week and sometimes 2, I get home, have a quick dinner and then fall asleep and nap most of the evening. I get up long enough to take the puppy to pee and then back to bed and I sleep through the night. Oh, forgot, for Christmas Jude and I both got 1 hour full body massages for the European Day Spa and we haven't used them yet. So the Thursday before I leave for Quebec we are booked in for our massages and we are also going to get our eyebrows waxed. I've never had anything waxed so this should be interesting. When I get home from Quebec I plan on going back to see my family doctor and getting my bloodwork done and see where I'm at.

The kitten and the puppy are both doingvery well and the puppy loves going back and forth to work with me. She's a great traveller and just hops in her bed and sleeps while the car is running. When I turn the car off she stands up and stretches and hops into my lap and waits to get out. She's very sweet and very smart so far. She is a bully with the cat but he can get away if he wants and he doesn't so he can't mind it too much. Oh and I have baby fish! My platy has had babies and by the time we saw them there were 3. There are still 3 and they are hiding in the plants and growing. If they get seen they will get eaten by the other fish but so far so good.

Well I'm off. I have to hit the bank on my way home from work and then I am planning on having a very quiet evening. Big sale here at work tomorrow and then I have my hair appointment after work. I'll be ready for a restfull weekend.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Lacey and Nemo

These two little animals make my days so much brighter. I can't tell you how often they make me laugh at their antics. Today they were playing in the livingroom and I took a few pictures. Lacey of course had to come right over and see what I was doing. She is with out a doubt the smartest dog I've ever had. I've paper trained her for the apartment and she goes outside when at work. I also have an area on the patio that I'm working on training her to go in. I have paper in three areas and she goes there without mistake the last week. Today I lifted the paper in the bathroom to sweep and she came in and looked around, hopped into the kitty litter pan and peed there and hopped out and went on about her day. I hope she keeps it up. It would sure make things easier if she uses it all the time in the apartment. Nemo doesn't seem to care either although he is very interested in the toilet lately and watches me like a hawk when I'm in there and is up on the toilet seat watching as I flush. If he starts using the toilet.........well let's just say it would be amazing!

4 weeks until Quebec! I'm getting excited. I've never flown that far before. I've never been east of Edmonton or south of Portland, OR so this will definitely be an experience. We are going to spend a night in Ottawa and see the sites there too. Mom was there a few years ago with Pat before he died and they took a bus tour of Ottawa and her and I will probably do the same. I'm planning on taking a ton of pictures. I'm feeling pretty good and will go for LFT when I get back. It's 3 months since the last set so I'm due. I am hoping I can hold out til winter to do anything. In the mean time I'm doing good.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Soul baring

So here is where I find myself. I am going to write it all down because first, it may help me to get it written down and second, if you are reading this, you don't know me so it is safe to do so.

Do I want him back? No
Would I still be in the marriage if he hadn't left? Yes

When Al left I was devastated and taken completely by surprise. We hadn't fought and we weren't mad at each other. He just left. I didn't yell and scream, I wrote emails because he couldn't or wouldn't talk to me so I wrote emails. I tried to be supportive and understanding of what he said he was going through. I had brief flareups of anger but for the most part I kept it hidden from him.

Then I found the email that asked for a room for two with a large jacuzzi tub etc and immediately phoned him. I asked him if he was with the lady he had been driving back and forth to work. He said yes. For weeks everyone had been telling me he must be having an affair. The kids, my mom, all my friends and finally the family doctor when I talked to him and explained why I wasn't going ahead with the treatment plan. I kept saying No he says he isn't and I believe him. He wouldn't do that. He is depressed and on and on. So when he said yes he was with Denise I felt so betrayed and hurt not only because he was having an affair but also because he let me believe for so long that he was depressed and working towards getting it together etc.

At that point all I wanted was to try and find an apartment and get away from the house. I was so torn because of the dogs. I knew I couldn't take them both with me but I was hoping I could at least find a place that would let me keep Keesha. The apartment I found that took animals did not take dogs her size. So I had to leave the animals behind and that also broke my heart. Keesha was my baby girl and she was 11 years old and I wasn't sure what Al would do about them. As it turned out he moved back into the house and is keeping both of the dogs.

After I got moved I emailed him and said before I move on with things I need to know that this is what you want. I need to know I've done everything I can to fix things. I also told him I would not spend the rest of my life alone and I wanted him to really thing about how he will feel if and when I do move on. He emailed me back and said yes this is what he wants and that he wanted to get together so we could talk and I could see the dogs etc. So we decided to meet on a Saturday morning and go for a walk. We did and he again reiterated that he needed to be alone and that he was alone. I asked him what about Denise? He said they had never been together other than friends. I said then why did you tell me you were with her? He said because I was yelling at him. I asked him about the hotel room etc and he said that a friend of theirs from work named Donna had moved to the island a year ago (which I did know about) and she was getting married and the gang at work had got together and purchased them a hotel room for a week as a wedding present. Do I believe that and him? At this point I just don't know. Anyway the upshot of the walk was we would get together and walk the dogs and see what transpired.

We did that for a few weeks but it was very obvious to me that he was only doing it to appease me and that he really couldn't wait till the walk was over so he could get away. We chatted but for him it was all surface stuff. I would tell him what was going on with me and the kids and work etc and he would comment but offer nothing of his own. Not what he was doing or where he was going or anything. When pushed he would say he has a list of things he needs/wants to do and he was working on it.

After one of the walks I went home and stewed about the whole thing with Denise. I thought about the phone call I made to him and I hadn't yelled at him until after he told me he was now with Denise. I wanted to talk to him about it and as it happened he phoned and asked if he could borrow a disk I had so I said sure I'll bring it up to the house and I did. He was having a drink (every time I see him at the house he has been drinking either beer or hard liquor) I said I needed to talk and to clarify a few things. I asked him again about Denise. I said you were either lieing to me then or you are lieing to me now. He said there was no affair. So then I asked him why he would do that to me then. He knew how much it hurt me either way. Either because he was having an affair or because he had so little regard for my feelings and didn't care if he was hurting me. He said "I don't know. Maybe I was trying to make you mad at me and hate me." He said he is the bad guy in all of this. I wasn't mad and maybe he needed me to be mad. I said but didn't you give any thought to how much it hurt me for you to do this to me? I told him about everyone saying he must be having an affair and that I had someone tell me about the rumors that were flying around about him and Denise and still I said No No he wouldn't lie to me about it. He said "Yes, Denise and I were aware of the rumors and found them amusing" I just said "I didn't find them amusing" and he stopped grinning and said No but I didn't know you were aware of the rumors or I would have put a stop to the game we were playing. At that point I just went home.

I emailed him a few days later and said after talking to him and what he said about the non affair and he and Denise finding it amusing that I realized all over again that he is done and wants nothing more to do with me. He said he wants to remain friends and be the guy that I can come to for help with broken things or to get silly emails from. He wants to be able to tell me what's happening in his life and all that other stuff. So I have not emailed him and haven't called him and waited to see if he was going to contact me first. He hasn't. I get second hand info from the kids but really hear nothing from him. So again he's lied and given me nothing but lip service. Anything to appease.

So I find myself alone and sad lots of days. I don't want him back but it still hurts terribly that he would treat me the way he did. After 28 years of marriage all we had ever said we wanted was to be able to afford a place of our own and 3 days before he left we were in the process of buying a place. So I had to mourn that loss.

The whole deal with treatment and everything that the doctor said to us. Al was there and heard what I heard. Every year of treatment buys me three years. The disease is progressive. The doctor wanted me in treatment now. He said I don't want to see you in ten years in end stage liver disease when you could be doing treatment now. Al heard all that and two weeks before treatment was to start he left. So again another thing I had to deal with. Not only the lack of treatment but the lack of caring or concern on his part.

The loss of my family and my dogs was another stage of the pain that I had to work through. I miss us being together as a family with the kids coming to the house whenever. The loss of a companion as well. That best friend aspect that he was for me. I told him everything. All the little things of the day you save up to tell when you get home. I miss all that. I always thought in terms of us as little old people together. Me and my best friend. That is probably what I miss the most. I go places like shopping or the mall or park and I see old people or older couples walking and talking and I think what was so bad that he had to walk away from it like that. What did I do or not do that made this happen and then I think don't be stupid. I am not taking all the blame and I have no idea what is running through his head but the fact remains that these various strangers have managed to stay together and Al felt he couldn't stand to stay married to me for the rest of his life so...........why? He can't seem to tell me other than he feels something is missing and needs to figure out what it is.

So finally I have accepted that my marriage is over and we are done. It is painful. I look ahead and I can't see myself with anyone else. What I said to him about not spending the rest of my life alone was more to make him think about it and see if it bothered him at all that I may some day sleep with some other person and it obviously doesn't bother him. I guess what I still can't get past is how little he cared at the end to treat me the way he did with no apparent concern at all. I literally went from feeling loved and wanted and secure one day to totally unloved and abandoned the next. It was just so shocking and cold.

I have learned to control my thoughts and not think about it when I am at work or around family or friends. I stay busy busy busy. But sometimes the fear of the future and the fear of the disease gets to me and I have to shut myself away and have a cry. I have to trust that this too will pass. Somehow I will manage to do treatment, work and keep my life together. I know I have to get through all the crap and tears before I can be open to any new experiences that come my way and I try. It's hard. Everyone looks at me and thinks how strong I am and how well I am doing and how good I look. But inside I am afraid and hurt and now insecure. I have my puppy and kitten and they help keep my days full. They make me laugh. My baby girl Lacey is my little shadow and Nemo is a lovey boy that purrs and snuggles so I hold on to them and push the rest away as much as I can.

Thursday, June 01, 2006


Well here I am 5 months later and lots has changed and lots has stayed the same. I am very busy at work and during the day I am occupied and my mind is on work. My blue times of day are the drives back and forth for some reason. Maybe that is the only time I can't keep busy and so my mind drifts and some days I suddenly realize I am driving along and tears are streaming down my face. Other than that I stay as busy as possible and try to stay as positive as possible.

I am loving the apartment with the dishwasher and hating that fact I no longer have a washer and dryer. So I guess we give up one convenience for another. The building has a laundry room and it costs $3 to wash and dry a load. I usually do 2 or three loads a week and Ryan does a load or two so it adds up quickly. The apartment itself has a space for a stacking washer and dryer so I may see if I can find a second hand set and buy it. But the dishwasher is wonderful!

I have thinned down my plants and trees on the balcony to what I really want to keep and that is much better as well. I have my swing glider love seat out there and it is very nice in the evenings. I also decided to look for a puppy. I've always wanted a lapdog type of dog but Al was never into a small dog. He wanted big dogs so that is what we got. I hated leaving the dogs behind and cried myself sick over it. I do have access to them and can go any day to see them if I like but it is painfully obvious that Al would be happier if I would just disappear so I don't go often as seeing him still upsets me. I thought I would start looking for a small dog and after I got back from Quebec get one.

I started with looking for a Papillion but they were definitely out of my price range. Then I went to the swap meet on Mother's Day and at the gate was a man and his daughter with a litter of Shih Tzu puppies. I am a sucker for puppies and they were adorable. The first one I picked up just snuggled right up and stole my heart. Her name is Lacey. Her birthday is the 12th of March so she is almost 2 weeks younger than Nemo. I brought her home and put her down and she walked over to Nemo and sat in front of him. His ears went back but he also just sat and looked at her. They were friends by the end of the day.

I take Lacey to work with me every day and when I get home at night her feet are running as I open the door. I put her down and Nemo is already running to meet her and they meet and roll into a ball of wrestling fur. They chase each other around and sleep together. Lacey chews on Nemo's ears and he boxes hers. I worry about her little buggy eyes and his claws as they get pretty exuberant in their play. Ryan says we are going to end up with a cat with no ears and a blind dog! Her best dog buddy is Lily at work and they have bonded also. Lacey is a pain in Lily's butt but when she gets to be too much I just put her to bed in my office area and give her a time out.

She insisted on sleeping between the rollers of my chair even though she has a basket bed there so Jude and I rigged her up a bed on top of the rollers of the chair. She loves it and climbs in and out herself and rides along when I push the chair around with my feet to get to various areas of the office. She also races all over the tree farm with me. The other day I was taking some pictures for an add that is appearing in a local gardening magazine and she suddenly leaped into the pond! I waited a sec to see what she would do next and she bobbed to the surface and swam over, climbed out, shook herself and went along her way. Funny little girl she is and I love her to pieces already. She is a great companion and I'm very happy I got her. She helps to keep my mind occupied and keep me busy.