Dismantling

I watch my life dismantled day by day. Bits go here and bits stay there. Some I'm glad to see go and some tears me apart. I got the keys for the apartment on Friday night and Ryan and I took a load up. Yesterday the girls came and we moved my trees and bushs that I had in pots up to the apartment balcony. My porch swing won't fit so when we got back we took it apart and loaded it into the truck and Jude and I will use it at work. At least I'll still have it but as each bit goes in different directions it sets off another crying spree. I take myself into the bathroom and have a cry and wash my face and head back outside to pretend all is fine. I'm sure nobody is fooled but it's easier than standing there and bawling as my stuff drives away.

Knowing that Al is on the island with his girlfriend having fun while I'm standing here dealing with all of this makes it so much worse. My favorite spot in the world, the place I asked him to take me to so many times.

Apartment

Found an apartment and I'm really happy with it. Adult complex. Hidden in the trees and very private. We are on the back of the 3rd floor of building C which is the one farthest away from the freeway and the view out my bay window in the living room would probably look out towards an indusrial area if you could see it through the trees. (A little morning sun and then shade the rest of the day which is perfect) It has a green space with lawn that runs around the back of the building that I look down on and then beyond that is huge big trees that even without leaves blocks out the industrial area and beyond. The lady (Esther) says when the leaves grow it is absolutely secluded and beautiful. It is layed out with the kitchen and livingroom running down the middle of the apartment and the bedrooms on either side. Mine has a walk through closet and a nice ensuite bathroom. There is a bit of storage in the laundry area and a hook up for an upright washer and dryer if I should decide to get one and it would hold a small freezer as well. There is a laundry room also on the main floor with I think 7 washers and 7 dryers so we don't need to have a washer and dryer in the suite. The rent is $765 a month and then $15 a month for underground secure parking. I have to go back today to sign the lease and give her a money order for the damage deposit and the deposit for my parking remote and parking key. Only people that are actually parking in the underground have access to it which is also nice. A dry spot to unload groceries etc on those wet cold days. The place is empty now so I may be able to start slowly moving stuff in over the next week or two. I'll try and take some pictures and post them. I can have a small animal there too if I pay another half month damage deposit. Eventually I will think about it. Right now I'm just worrying about leaving my dogs behind here.

I'm totally exhausted and stressed to the max and having a hard time keeping control of my emotions for the most part. I am constantly feeling like I want to just throw up. I am crying at the drop of a hat and even embarassed myself yesterday at the place when the lady asked why I was moving. I promptly burst into tears but she was very understanding and told me not to worry about it and she gave me a big hug which just made me cry more. I am a walking zombie today and still not able to sleep more than a few hours at a time. Tomorrow after work Jude and I are heading to Merritt for the night to take Paige home and we plan on being back by dinner time on Saturday. When I finally get moved I think I'm going to crawl into bed for the weekend and just watch movies and vegetate. My mom is starting to freak out and is trying to talk me into going to the doctor to get pills of some sort. I just keep telling her I just need to get moved and then I can relax a bit. Right now I just can't relax at all, I am either packing or pacing or working. I need to feel in control of what is happening right now. I'm back to the Serenity prayer and just trying to get through the days one day at a time by putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward.

Stupid and naive

That would be me. I found an email dated Feb 17/06 (have to check his account because that is where the cable and hydro bill come in still). I have been checking the account periodically for the bills and have seen other emails there but have never looked at them or anything but this one suddenly caught my attention because it said in the title line something about requested information on Jacuzzi suite from a hotel so I clicked on it. It appears that he was requesting info on booking a room for 2 with a double sauna/jacuzzi bath in a smoking room for 2 adults for the week of March 25 to the 31/06. So I phoned him. He is still denying that there was an affair but he did admit he is now with Denise. The lady from work he was giving a ride back and forth to work. So the whole time he was in his big depression and I was telling the kids to give him the benefit of the doubt he was lying and cheating and had another woman. His new email address on the 17th of February was happyone@whateveretcetc so he's a happy guy! So two weeks before I am to begin treatment and 2 days after we went and looked at a condo he walks out and then lets me believe he is distraught and on and on and on.

Josh phoned me just after I found the email and said I just got an email from dad so I phoned him and he moved out of his suite at his friends house cause of too many rules or something and right now he is house sitting for someone but they will be back on the 21st so he wants to know if he can stay with me from the 21st to the 25th and then on the 25th he has to go away for work for a week to train some other guys. I didn't say anything. Ryan knows cause he heard me yelling at Al on the phone. I was feeling so sorry for him and how much pain he was in. How stupid I feel.

Another week over

Another week is over and done and I feel like I should be able to pull myself out of the depression and sadness and anger but I just can't seem to manage it yet. My mom keeps reminding me it's only been 2 months and this takes time. Maybe when I get moved I'll feel better. The tears are still so close to the surface and start when least expected. It's embarassing. What's worse is I have no control over it. When I look at my dogs, when my friends husband calls her at work and they laugh and talk, driving in my car, standing in the shower the tears just fall. I've bit the inside of my lip raw some days trying to gain control. Maybe it would have been easier to handle if he had actually told me face to face what was going on instead of just leaving and then sending me cryptic emails assuming I knew what he meant. He's refused to actually talk to me about any of this, just says he doesn't want to fight and it is too late for counseling so in effect I get no say at all. I don't even get to comment. I wrote him an email trying to discuss some of what he had said to me in emails and now I get total coldness and "Please give my mail to Josh" So he gets to just walk away without having to hear me or deal with me at all. Maybe it wouldn't have mattered how he told me. I don't know, I just know that I should have at least been able to express how I felt about what was happening face to face with him.

Our friends Sue and Peter are in Mexico right now and will be back on Monday. They live in the Okanagan and Peter is going to drop Sue off here to spend a few days with me over spring break. She works in the school system so she gets spring break off. I'll have to go to work each day but she can either come with me or spend the day doing her own thing. Jude will have her oldest granddaughter over spring break as well so maybe both of them will be at work with us. On Friday we are leaving work a bit early and we'll drive the 4 of us up to Merritt. That is where Jude's daughters live and it is on the way to where Sue lives so Peter will pick her up in Merritt and take her the rest of the way.

Still apartment hunting. I called one that sounds good but it is within a few blocks of where I am now and I'm not sure that is a good idea if Al is going to be living here for any length of time. Tomorrow would have been my step-dad's birthday. He died a year and a half ago. I've had him on my mind all day today. Tomorrow will be a hard day for my mom. She still misses him so much.

Khushwinder made Jude and I two beautiful wooden lawn chairs for out front at work. Now all we need is some sunshine and spring weather so we can enjoy them. It snowed yesterday and overnight dropped some more. I came home early yesterday but went today. Scary slippery mess. Can't wait for spring to arrive. The sun shone for all of half an hour today but Khush and I both enjoyed it immensely.

Tigridia pavonia

That is the name of that gorgeous flower I posted a picture of on July 18th. It is a native of Mexico. It's taken us this long to figure out what it is.

Aren't they sweet looking!

Still hunting

ALT 96 AST 61 Bili 12 My latest blood tests. So my ALT and AST are down and my bili is up from 11. I have no idea what normal is for bili but the other counts look quite good I think.

Apartment hunting was interesting. It's been years since I've looked for a new place to live. We've been in this house since 1992. One sleazy guy looked me up and down a few times and said. "So just you and your son hey?" When we were done looking at the suite I said ok thanks and he again looked me up and down and repeated "so just you and your boy hey.......well I'll give ya a deal". And then he dropped the rent by $20 a month. Really creepy. We beat a hasty retreat out of there. Another place we went to was all renovated on the outside so I phoned the number and told the manager I was in the parking lot so he said ok meet you at the door. We went into the lobby and the first thing we see is the mailboxes have been pried open and are all buckled. I said, mailboxes were broken into? and he says oh yeah that was 7 or 8 years ago, we just never got them fixed. The elevator made the most horrible noise and I must have looked as nervous as I felt so the guys says Oh no worries we get it checked once a month and it's as safe as can be. Not a good beginning to the hunt!

We'll keep looking and I'm not going to take something just for the sake of moving by the first of the month. I have been thinking we might be better off in a basement suite. I might have a better chance of keeping Keesha in a basement suite too. I really don't want to leave the dogs behind but I don't have a hope in hell of keeping them both so if I can keep Keesha I'll just have to trust Al to take care of Kody.

Apartment hunting

I saw the doctor on Tuesday. He was shocked that Al had left. So obviously Al hasn't been to see the doctor as he told me he was planning on doing. The doctor asked me what I wanted to do and was I going to go back and see the specialist in the next few weeks. I said there wasn't much point really as he has nothing to offer me except for the treatment I have already been through. I said I have to work and my doctor knows how sick I got last time and he asked me if I wanted to go on assistance and do the treatment. I said no. He said you have to work? I said yes I have to. So he sent me for all my bloodwork and said we'll monitor it closely. He couldn't give me anything to help me sleep as he says none of it is good for my liver. He doesn't even really like me to take tylenol. So that's fine. I'll monitor for the time being while I get moved and settled someplace and then I'll pick the best time to be off work for a few weeks if I need to be and we'll go from there.

Al phoned David for his birthday but Josh says he phoned him a few days ago and he never got back to him and Ryan phoned him and he didn't call Ryan back either. He's been drinking alot and made a point of telling me how much he enjoys being able to have a drink each night and not have a wife to make a comment or "change her attitude towards me" I grew up in an alcoholic home and have never really liked to be around drinkers. I quit drinking myself years ago before I found out I had Hep C. I have never told Al he couldn't or shouldn't drink. But when he does get drinking and I can start to tell I withdraw from him. The few times I've talked to him he's been polite but distant. Most emails I get a one or two word response from him. I guess this is because I asked him not to give me any more explanations as to why he felt he had to leave the way he did.

Ryan and I will be out apartment hunting tomorrow and we'll see what's out there. I want a place where I can have a kitty eventually. I would like a balcony or patio big enough to have my porch swing on and a few of my potted trees. I also want to be able to afford it myself when Ryan moves out eventually and not have to move again any time soon if I find a nice place that I like. I'm trying to stay central to where I am as well. Close to shopping, the library, doctor and bank.

I'm fighting a wicked cold right now and my voice is just about gone. My throat is killing me and I think I'm going to go and have a bubble bath and go to bed and watch Amazing Race that I taped and this weeks soaps that I also tape. I watch General Hospital and One Life to Live. Some days I watch them all and some days I fast forward through them and see if anything looks important. It's mindless entertainment and distracts me somewhat.

Corina was out to spend a few days with Josh and they phoned and invited me over for dinner and we looked at a lot of the pictures from Goa. Really looks gorgeous. She brought me a medallion and prayer card from Mother Teresa's house in Calcutta. Very nice to have even though I'm not a catholic, I was and am a fan of Mother Teresa.

My chemo buddy graduated!! He is finished treatment, in remission and gaining strength. I am so happy for him. He is just coming up for his 18th birthday and will probably be graduating this year or next. I hope he never needs the services of chemo angels again! I resigned from the program for now as I have a cousin who has recently been diagnosed with cancer so I think I'll direct my efforts sending him a card every week. Well that's it for me. I'm exhausted, it's been a long week.