Another new week

I had a long blog mostly done and the internet explorer crashed and I lost it all. So.........this will be much shorter and to the point.

I am doing ok. Nothing has changed much except Al has come and taken most of his stuff. He's found a basement suite in a friends house here in town and that makes me feel much better. At least he is safe and with friends and not alone and distraught as he was last week.

I've had a day or two of anger but I didn't share it with him and after talking to him on the phone on friday I realize again how much pain he is in. When we don't talk and we haven't been really as we both just cry and it is pretty disjointed and incoherent so we mostly just communicate by email, my imagination takes over and my mind goes to a lot of places I really don't want to go. When I tried to sleep I had dreams of running into him and he was with some unknown blonde woman and it just did me in. I know that at least right now that is not what is going on. There is no woman, there is no affair, there is just his depression and breakdown. He knows I love him and that I am here for him if he needs me and that is all he will let me help with. He says everytime he sees me or talks to me he just screws me up all over again. I am still after him to get to the doctor and get some help and he is still saying he can't right now. So thank god he has moved where he has and has friends upstairs he can talk to. At least I know they will keep an eye on him. He's been to see two of the boys and I'm glad he's been able to do that.

I am hyperactive and need to keep moving and busy and keep my mind occupied. I'm very tired but not sleeping properly. I fall asleep exhausted and then wake up in a few hours and lay there running things through my mind over and over. I can feel my liver but am ignoring it right now. I know stress is hurting me so I am still getting things in order and how I need them to be. I am going to work extra hours at work but will do it at home in the evenings and weekends to keep my mind occupied. It is all computer work so no physical exertion required. By keeping extensive notes during the day it helps my fuzzy mind and absent mindedness and I'm staying on top of things at work.

We have a big open house coming up in May and I need to have the webpage as finished and up to date as possible with pictures of each plant and tree. I am also keeping on top of our plant database and new spring stock coming in. We want to streamline our tagging and pricing as we don't have the manpower to be changing prices and tags on all the nursery stock twice a year as stuff grows. So we've been working on that as well. I have to get our first catalog done and ready for May as well as for our big trade show (CanWest) in September. The tree relocation business has gotten extremely busy and we have several huge jobs coming up over the next months. So work will keep me very busy and that is a good thing. Jude is not in the position to give me a raise right now but said to put in as many hours as I like over the weekends and evening and get a raise of sorts that way. I plan on doing just that.

The boys are all busy. Ryan is here with me and it is so nice to come home and not find an empty house. We have decided to stay here for probably at least another year. The yard is fenced for the dogs and yes..........I still have Kody and Keesha. I just can't give up Kody unless Al wants to take him at some point. Right now he is my constant shadow. If I am sitting at my desk he is under my feet in the desk well, if I get up and move he moves with me. Geez even into the bathroom. I have to take him in with me or he cries at the door and when I do take him in he sits in front of me with one paw on my knee till we are done and move to the next location. Keesha spends most of the day sleeping on my bed but if I get upset at all she is right there as well and the two of them crowd in and sit looking at me with great concern. So they are great company and confort. They sleep by the bed at night and at any strange noise they are immediately on alert.

Josh was leaving yesterday for India and Dave and Allie were moving into a house so we had it all arranged I would take Josh in as far as Dave and Allies new place so I could see the house and get the baby kisses and snuggles. Dave would take Josh to the airport for me and I wouldn't have that long drive late at night in the rain. His flight was at 9:45pm. Ryan came in with us and we saw the house and I love it. Very cute and clean with lots of room and a fenced back yard for the baby. It is close to the beach in White Rock so this summer I'll be able to buzz in, pick up my baby girl and we can spend time at the beach and park. I'm looking so forward to it. Dave and Josh headed out for the airport and Ryan and I headed home. Quick shower and a light dinner in front of a movie was the plan. I checked my email and there was an email from Josh at the airport and he had totally screwed up and missed his flight. He was at the airport with no cell phone or phone numbers etc. I emailed him the phone numbers and he called. He has managed to book another flight out for today at an additional $1300.00 He is furious with himself. He stayed at a friends in town and will be back at the airport today but he wanted me to email his girlfriend with the new info and flight numbers etc. I've done that and hopefully it will still all work out for him. He'll email and keep me informed.

Well so much for a short and to the point blog!! I'm still working on the one day at a time mantra and the serenity prayer and as Peter said I just have to say God grant me the serenity and it helps. I have so much support from so many directions. I wish Al had the same. Hopefully he will reach out. We are all here for him when he decides he wants us.

The picture today was taken on the 15th of December. It was early in the morning and the piece of machinery in the front is one of our tree spades.

Monday

I am just not the type of person that curls up into a llittle ball and disolves in self pity. One day at a time. It's been almost 2 weeks since he left initially and the worst of the tears and poor me's are over. I am very very worried about him but I have done all that he will allow me to do and he just plain and simple does not want to be here. It doesn't matter why. He tells me he loves me and that it has absolutely nothing to do with me and anything I did or did not do. All I can really do now is take care of myself and be here for him should he decide he needs to talk. The tears are still very close to the surface but I am starting to be able to control my thoughts and emotions at work and save the tears for when I'm alone at night.

I spent the weekend informing my mom as to what is happening and trying to get myself organized and stable financially. Taken care of most of it and made some hard decisions. My youngest son is living here at the moment and he and I have discussed things and he will be staying here with me and will help out financially. Al is going to help towards maintaining things here as well. But what it does mean is I have to have my paycheque each month and cannot afford to be sick and on treatment. So today I finally phoned and cancelled the appointment. I know how badly stress affects me and that's part of the reason I felt the need to get things under control so I know exactly where I stand and what I can and cannot do. Now I have to stay on an even keel and get through the days one day at a time.

Consequently my weekend was very busy and involved a lot of driving in bad conditions. Dark and rainy nights are very hard for me as I think I have no night vision and the rain obscures things even more. I found myself all clenched up and it makes you very tired. Today I am back to work and tonight I am exhausted but I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders just by getting it all under control. Tonight I am resting and I'll get through the week. This next weekend will be one of rest. Unfortunately I am sleeping very little but I hope this will get better as the days go by. I can't say I'm not hurt and devastated by what has happened but I can deal with this. One day at a time. That's pretty much become my mantra. I say it to myself many times during the day. I can do this, one day at a time.

Carol, Sue, Peter, Miss Poppy, JJ and Hep C Boy your caring and support has helped really and truly. Thank you so much. My dad was an alcoholic and spent many years in AA. The serenity prayer I think works for many things and not just for people in AA.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. That's what I'm asking now.

Anne

Saturday

Al came this morning and it's over. He wants out. He says he still loves me but we don't want the same things anymore. i'm falling apart. I'll blog when i can.

Depression

He seems to have all the symptoms of depression. We have been in touch by email daily and he sounds so sad and in so much pain it kills me to read it. The boys initially because super protective of Mom but I've talked to all of them and asked them to give him some time. He emailed the boys and they have responded and we are all just in limbo waiting now. He has contacted his human resources at work and is seeking help. He isn't ready to come home. He may not ever be. One day at a time.

I went back to work for a few hours yesterday and will go each day now. I'm still having trouble controlling my emotions but for the most part have it under control.

One day at a time

Well today my life fell apart. My husband doesn't think he wants this anymore and for the time being while he figures it out, he has moved out. Right up until Tuesday I thought we had a good rock solid marriage. Maybe that proves that I haven't being paying enough attention. He is a good man and has done a wonderful job of helping me raise the boys. He put up with a year of treatment where I was so sick that for much of it I was not functioning. Maybe the burden of doing this for another year was just too much for him to contemplate right now. I just don't know.

I've decided to put off treatment for the time being as I have no idea what is going to be happening for the next little while. I cannot risk being too sick to work when I may be relying on only my paycheque. I have to take some time and figure out what happens next. If the split becomes permanent then I have to move into a smaller place that I can afford and I don't want to be trying to do that either while on treatment. One day at a time for the next while.

Drug trial

I got the 16 page consent form for the drug trial for the HIV drugs and I think I am going to give it a pass. It requires me being at the hospital almost every 2nd day for 22 days (I live an hour to an hour and a half away from the hospital depending on traffic) with 5 days of overnight stays where they take blood samples every half hour for 24 hours to test how the drugs are metabolizing. Two HIV drugs on top of my Hep C drugs. Sides sound similar to the Hep C sides so one on top of the other does not sound good. I guess also they have had one death. No final decision yet but am leaning very hard towards the no side at this moment.

Jan 27

January 27 is the day! I just got the call from the doctor's office and the approval is back. I wanted the appointment on a Friday so I have the weekend to recuperate. I am taking two weeks off to get started and then will head back to work and see how it goes from there.

We meet with the real estate lady (Carol Ann) tomorrow to look at a couple of condo's and anything else she may have in mind.

I haven't heard from the drug trial lady (Lilia) again so haven't received my informed consent form to read. Having second thoughts with this. We'll see what the consent form says.

Have a date with my husband tonight for dinner and a quiet evening. Sounds good after a full week.

Keesha has been to work with me 3 days this week and seems to be enjoying it. She has met Lily and Lily is no longer allowed in my desk area. Keesha guards it. I think she'll mellow out quite a bit as they get to know each other better. She is getting to know the guys and has stopped barking at them for the most part.

Wow! 3 weeks from today to get everything in order and ready for this. EEEEEKK!!

Doctor visit

Well, today was the day we got the paperwork rolling. The doc said it could be fairly quickly that it all comes together. He told me there is another study happening and it won't help me at all but if I am interested in it, they will pay me $1600.00 !! I asked for details and so far what I've been told is that they are looking for people just starting treatment that they can do a bunch of blood work on before you start. For three months they do nothing, they just let you get on with treatment. At the end of three months they put you in this clinic attached to the hospital for a couple of days and give you HIV drugs to see how they metabolize. He says the drugs are very benign and that I can quit at any time. I said I'd be interested in at least finding out what it's all about.

The girl called while I was still on the way home to say she had talked to the doctor and would email me through the info and talk to me again tomorrow to discuss what it all entails. I have no problem helping as long as it doesn't make me sick or sicker than I already am. We'll see after I've read the "informed consent" I have to deal with it before I start treatment because they need to have the bloodwork done before you start treatment of any sort. I'll know more when I've read it.

I got a gift certificate for Cole's or Chapters Books and they didn't have what I wanted in my town so we took the opportunity today to stop at the big Chapters in Vancouver while we were there and I got two good scrapbooking books. This time I refuse to lie around sick. If I can't go to work then I at least want to have my scrapbooking and computer and printer all ready to go. I was thinking the other night, last time I was on treatment I started in August. In September the 11th rolled around and I was home watching it all unfold on CNN. Then we had the Winter Olympics happen and I was home for that as well. So here we are four years later and I'm back on treatment watching the Olympics again. Maybe I'll do treatment every winter Olympic year! Not!! Ok more when I've had a chance to read the informed consent form for the other drug trial.