Christina

I had a wonderful afternoon with my girl. She is so adorable and sweet. When I got there she rushed to the door and was jumping up and down. Lots of hugs and kisses. :) We went shopping with Uncle Josh and found all the Dora clothes, socks and underware available lol. She loves Dora! New sandals and an Ariel shorts and top for summer too. She's a fun shopper. She'd put her little hand up to her cheek and say "Oh My Gosh Grandma, that is soooo adorable!" Uncle Josh found her a Dora purse to go with all her other stuff. Then off to the pool. She loves swimming but she was not impressed with the wave part of the wave pool. The buzzer would sound to warn that the waves were starting and she'd be up and running for dry land yelling "look out Grandma the tide is coming in!!" They have a separate little area with warmer water and no waves for the little ones so she wanted to go in there. We spent most of our time there. She is very outgoing and will go up to any child and say lets play!

After we'd been in the pool for awhile I happened to look out and noticed it was snowing. After we got out of the pool and dressed Dave phoned me to say it was snowing hard where they live too and they had cancelled their plans for the evening. They live about 40 minutes away so we just picked up Uncle Ryan, went through the drive thru at McDonalds and headed for her house to get her home for her birthday party tomorrow just in case it snowed all night. I got Ryan to come with me as I am a bit of a chicken driving in the snow. At least he was good company for the drive home. We got the baby home safe and sound and only stayed about 20 minutes before heading back.

Al was around this morning cleaning the garage and he came in for a minute to see if I had any garbage for the dump. I didn't have much to say to him and he left fairly quickly. He went in and saw the baby on Thursday and took her a nice new tricycle. She was happy. I'm pretty much exhausted but it made my week to see her happy little face and get those baby kisses and hugs.

Friday

Thanks for the comments and encouragement. I feel like I just come here and whine these days but it's my only outlet as I try to keep on an even keel when I'm around people. My kids don't need to see me upset and with Ryan living here I try to stay as happy and upbeat as possible. As it is he is having a hard time understanding what his dad is up to and it just makes him mad at Al when he sees me upset. Same at work. I can't cry my way through the days so I save it for when I'm alone. The computer and this blog is my place to vent. It must seem to anyone that reads this that all I do is whine and cry but for the most part I am making it through the days and trying to stay as upbeat as possible. I do better when I don't hear from or see Al. Tomorrow he is going to be here but I plan on leaving fairly early to go and get the baby girl so hopefully I won't be around him all that much. Anyway, thanks for all the encouragement and I do appreciate it. :)

Finally........

It's taken me a week to get over Al's last email and the things he's said. I emailed him and asked him to please not give me any more explanations. I am sure he has not set out to be cruel and he is only trying to explain to me why he is doing what he's doing but in the process he has said some very hurtful and hard to forget things. I tried to put them out of my mind but they just pop back over and over and reverberate in my head. I cried my way to work and home all week. (I love James Blunt but he is probably not who I should be listening to right now) But by today I was finally starting to be able to get past it. I will never be able to forget the stuff he's said but I can at least get on with things and try not to let them interfere.

He is coming over on Saturday to clean the garage out so I can go through the stuff of mine that's in there and then he's going to store stuff in there until I move out. I hope he doesn't plan on living here for too long when he does move in. Ryan and I want to stay in our community here and it's not that big a town. I have nightmares about running into him and a woman around town when I'm shopping or at the mall, doctor or library. I am sick about having to leave both my dogs behind and that is just one more thing I keep imagining, running into him and a woman out with my dogs. God this sucks so badly. Ok deep breaths and no more whining.

Today is Christina's 3rd birthday. I called her from work and sang her Happy Birthday and I got half way through before she started yelling Grandma Grandma I'm three years old and how come you are at your house. I said I wasn't at my house I was at work and asked her if she wanted to go out with me on Saturday. She's all excited. I think we may go shopping and then I'm going to take her to the wave pool here in town. They have a nice area for little kids and I can just sit in the water and let her play. Afterwards we are going to go out for dinner with Uncle Josh and Uncle Ryan. She loves her uncles and she will love being the centre of attention and having both uncles there.

Last night I actually managed to sleep until 5 this morning and only woke up two or three times during the night. I was starting to hate 4 am. What the hell does a person do at 4 in the morning? I hated lying there as my mind just went over things and round and round so I would get up and come to the computer. Pogo :) Good gaming site. I am up to $30 in Swap it.

I finally made a doctor's appointment with my family doctor for Tuesday after work and I'll go and get bloodwork done. Feeling kinda crappy and tired but I think that is probably to be expected. My liver is letting me know it's there.

Today's picture at the top is my son and daughter in law and my baby girl on the day she was born.

This last picture is my favorite picture of that day. The love on their faces as they look over at their brand new baby girl is beautiful and makes my heart glad.

Decisions decisions

The days pass and I'm still going up and down but more up than down lately. Plans are being discussed, decisions made. Al came over last Wednesday night to unplug the kitchen sink that had been plugged for 3 weeks. Had tried everything from snakes to literally gallons of drain cleaner and on Monday I had poured 4 cans of lye down there. All that happened was the water trickled down at approximately an inch an hour. I had taken to washing the dishes in a big old pot and was getting used to it actually but then Al and I had to talk because of an insurance screw up and the upshot of the discussion was I told him that I hated this house and was trapped here because of the dogs and all the crap. He had walked away and left it all in my lap and on top of it all the damn sink was plugged so he came over and unplugged the sink and we talked a bit.

Ryan and I are going to look for an apartment for the 1st of April. I can take what I want out of the house and Al is going to move back in temporarily and he'll take care of the rest and find a place for himself and the dogs. It's kind of exciting to be getting my own place. Ryan just found another job yesterday after I got him to quit the one on the other side of the river. He was a very happy guy yesterday. We'll find a place close to where he works so he can get back and forth ok. Ryan is happy to move out of this house too. I'm going to help him buy a computer and then I'll get mine back! Right now this house has 3 bedrooms and one of them is being used as a computer room. When we get moved it will probably be a two bedroom apartment so no computer room. I would rather just move my computer into the bedroom but unless Ryan has one it would exclude him from using it so the best solution is to buy him a computer. I think that is where his first few paycheques will go and then he can start helping me with the expenses and paying off his bills which was why he moved home in the first place.

I'm going to teach him how to use a cashflow spreadsheet. I tried for years to get Al to use one to help see where stuff goes and he just got testy about it so I let it go and let him handle things. Now I'm doing things my way and I love my cashflow spreadsheet. Between it and my internet banking I know to the penny where I am each and every day. Just the way I like it. Got a credit card in my name so I can start to build a credit rating in my own name.

The girls and I are making plans for travel over the next few years with a trip to the Oregon coast planned for next summer as Jude and I have a trade show in Portland we want to go to and we'll take Lynnie along. We'll then go across to the Oregon coast and spend a few days slowing coming up the coast. Jude and I are still doing our island holiday in April or May and I'm going to Quebec with my mom for Christmas next winter. And Greece in 5 years. Jude and Ed, Lynnie, my brother Willy, Jude's friend Barb, maybe my sister Barbie and I. Safety in numbers and many combinations of people to do various things with. We plan on 3 weeks there so it will be a dream holiday.

After Al was here on Wednesday night I emailed him on Thursday morning and asked him if he was sure this was what he wanted. Before I start hunting for apartments I needed to know he was sure about his decisions and was he planning on dating etc because for me if this is what he has in mind then there is no going back. It will be done and finished and I can just move on with no doubts. He got back to me yesterday with a long email but the upshot was yes he was happy with his decisions and yes he was planning on dating. He said he will check into the legalities of a separation so nothing he does will impact on me. So that's it. We are offically done. Hard to believe 28 years can just be over with no discussion and no counselling but if that is what he is wanting then that is what will happen. He is saying now that when we first got together we had the kids to worry about and he always assumed that when the kids were grown that we would then party and have fun. I was never a partier and I always thought we were having fun but I guess for him it was not enough. He wants to drink and go to bars and I don't and can't. Really I don't get much more from him than that. I have given him every opportunity to change his mind, to seek counselling for himself or for both of us and he wants none of it. At least I know I have done everything I can and can move along with no guilt.

Still haven't made a doctor's appointment. I'm a little freaked out about it all. I know I need to seek treatment at some point but I have too much to do as far as getting moved and getting set up in an apartment. I'm going to Quebec next december and don't want to be sick. We have a slow period at work in the hot part of July and August so I may take that time to start and do the ribaviran which would make me finished with it around the beginning of October. That would give me a couple of months to start feeling better before Christmas. It will all work out eventually I know. Just gotta keep doing one day at a time and concentrating on staying as healthy as possible. I haven't forgotten what the doctor said about one year of treatment giving me three years without. Maybe in 4 or 5 years they will have something better to offer us relapsers. I can do this even on my own but the timing needs to be right for it to work.

Next week my baby girl turns three. So hard to believe. The years fly by so quickly now. I guess I will pick her up one day and we'll go shopping and grandma will buy her a new outfit for spring. We can do lunch and maybe go to the park if the weather is nice.

The sun shines

The sun is shining here in BC and it makes such a difference. I came home from work last night and spent an hour and a half tidying up plants and cleaning the porch and getting my porch swing put back up. Trees are starting to bud out. Maybe too early, we could have another cold spell. I brought home a new Rhodo called Bow Belles, a beautiful pink hydrangea called Pink Parfait, a pretty pink fragrant lilac called Fairy Dust and a Winged Burning Bush. Khushwinder got the bridge finished and planted a weeping blue atlas at one end. We are going to train it to run down the one side. The garden up there is really starting to come together.

Al and I have been emailing and Ryan and I have been talking and the plan is now that we will be here in this house for six months with a plan to move into an apartment or townhouse by September 1st. Then Al may move back in here and finish up the few things I can't manage and then give our notice. I'm going to try and keep both dogs unless Al feels he can take Kody. The marriage is over. It was Al that made the move and if he had not I would have stayed in the marriage forever but now that he has made the move and I'm getting used to the idea I am realizing that we had grown apart in many ways. I'm finding that more and more I like being on my own. I can do what I want when I want. I'm lonely some days but that's to be expected.

For the first time in my life I'm on my own with nobody to answer to or be responsible for. Ryan is here but he's an adult and if I don't feel like coming home after work it's no big deal. I'm making plans to do the things I've always wanted to do. I want to travel and go camping and maybe retire someday to the Island. Al's not the bad guy and there is nobody in the wrong here. He just recognized the situation where I did not. I'm happier this week than last. I think it will just get easier from here. I know there will still be bad days but I think I've turned the corner now.

Josh got home from India today and he's looking very well and had a great time. He brought Christina home a little outfit with some braceletts, a necklace, anklet and the little dots in different colours she can wear. She tried it all on and it looked so cute. When he was in Thailand last time he brought her an outfit from there as well. After she had tried on the stuff from today she insisted on putting on her Thailand dress as well. Had to take pictures. She was so cute. This first one she is decked out in her outfit from India and was being told to do a dance so she was shaking her leg.

The second picture is her in the little outfit from Thailand. She has on her anklet.

I know I'm going to have to start treatment again but I have to wait awhile until I get settled into a new place. In the meantime I am just going to carry on and continue to take care of myself as I have been anyway. I'll make a doctor's appointment in the next week or two and go every three months and get my bloodwork done and see how I'm feeling.

Good Days, Bad Days

The days go up and down. I'm good at work and when I'm busy but the rides back and forth from work are difficult. Too much time to think. Some days the other drivers must think i'm insane. I blast the music and sing to the top of my lungs but often with tears rolling down my face. The evenings suck pretty much and sleep is an elusive thing. I have learned to hate 4 AM I got an email from Al last night and while I'm sure he's hurting, it just sounds so glib and uncaring as to what I'm feeling. He's just walked away and left me with everything. A house full of furniture, two dogs that make it almost impossible to find a smaller place with, a yard with sheds full of crap and years of storage that I am going to have to go through and decide what to do with.

Josh gets home from India on Saturday. Dave will pick him up from the airport and I'll go to Dave's and bring him home from there. Thursday night is girls night and it's at Lynnies this week. Have stuff I should be doing for work at home so i'll do alot of that on the weekend and thankfully the Olympics start this weekend so that will help keeping me distracted over the next two weeks.
The picture at the top is of a Crane that showed up in the yard yesterday. This picture is of Judy, Khushwinder and Gary standing on the new bridge Khush built yesterday over the creek that he also built last summer.

In a week or two I'll go and get my counts. See what is happening.

WooHooo!!

Tickets are bought and paid for!! March 31, 9:30pm at the Queen Elizabeth Theatre. Jude, Lynne and I will be there.

February 1st already!

Rob Thomas is coming to the Queen Elizabeth Theatre in March and the tickets go on sale on Friday. Jude and I are going to go if we can get our tickets before they are sold out! I loved him when he was with Matchbox 20 and I really love his songs with him alone. It should be a great concert. Work is getting very busy so we'll be putting in extra hours and we've decided we need a treat in the way of Rob Thomas. :)

We had also been planning a trip for a few months and we are going ahead on that as well. Some time the end of April to the end of May. We have a nice crew cab truck here at work and Jude has a camper for it. We are going to put the camper on and on a Thursday night we'll head to Vancouver Island and to Comox to pick up our friend Barb and another girl named Lindy that I don't know yet. From there we head to Tofino where we plan on camping for a few days. We want to either fly or rent a boat (Lindy is a very experienced water person who teaches kyaking among other things) and head to a place on Clayoquot Sound called Cougar Annie's Garden. That's Cougar Annie in the picture. Click the links and you can read about it all. From there we plan on heading back to Port Alberni and catch the Lady Rose and go to Bamfield and back. We will eventually end up back at Barb's on the following Tuesday and get a late ferry home and back to work on the Wednesday.

It should be lots of fun and an opportunity to relax and take some wonderful pictures. We are also planning several day trips here and there over the spring and summer as work allows. Jude's daughters live in Merrit and the Merrit Mountain Music Fesival is held there each year so we are talking about going up over night and camping up in the mountain above the festival. Also up to Celista to see friends up there that live on the Shuswap Lake for a day or two of relaxing at the lake.

I went last week and got my hair cut and streaked. I've wanted it shorter for years but Al was always against the idea and although I could have just gone and done it I took his feelings into consideration and just never got it cut as short as I wanted it. So much grey showing these days that I decided to go with some blonde streaking as well and I love it! So much easier to care for. Everyone keeps saying "Gee, you look wonderful" and looking at me puzzled. I guess everyone thought I would be a basket case and look terrible. I am made of much stronger stuff than that and I am determined to get on with things and just do the best I can.

I've been feeling pretty good with just some liver area "awareness" and tiredness. Starting to sleep better and I am refusing to let my mind wander to places I don't want it to go. Work helps and I fill my evenings with work, the internet, tv, reading and visiting with Ryan. The weekends have been very busy so far and I'm hoping this coming weekend will be a little quieter. Still working on one day at a time and the Serenity Prayer. Hard to believe we are into February already. Sun is shining this morning for the first time in ages. It's wonderful to see it!