Monday, June 04, 2007

I'm done.

Every morning when I wake up sick and nauseous and I tell myself, "I can't do this any more!!" The little "Rah Rah" team in my head starts in with "Yes you can, you can do this!" and talks me back around and I eventually get through the day.

This week after I took my shot on Tuesday night and got through Wednesday and Thursday I was doing not too badly. Very tired and dragged out but not too bad. I went to bed and woke up on Friday morning throwing up. It took me hours to get down the little magic pill and that didn't even do it. I struggled all day with my stomach and trying to get at least a bit of liquid down and keep it down and of course got no pills down at all. Saturday morning I woke up to the same damn thing. Throwing up uncontrollably. Heaving and heaving and legs so shaky I couldn't stand. That's when the little Rah Rah team quit and agreed with me. I can't do this. I can't handle day after day after day of heavy nausea and throwing up on Fridays. I just can't do this alone.

I feel like I am letting a whole lot of people down starting with the hospital and my doctor but I know I have done the best I can with trying to do this drug trial and go to work and maintain the apartment, bill paying, and taking care of the animals and all the other day to day minutia that is required to maintain a life. I hope everyone else manages to get through this and I wish everyone the best of luck. I need time now to get better and regain my strength. I still feel week, sick and dizzy and haven't had any drugs since Thursday night. So there you have it! I'm done.


Terry Lee said...

I think you've made the right decision. i didn't know how you were managing all this time. Hope you get back to normal before too much longer. You gave it your best!

Hugs T

uncertain4sure said...

You went through so much, you are the only one who knew how much you could handle and when it got to be too much, there was no other choice.
Don't second guess yourself, don't look back...
I'm so sorry about this.

Anonymous said...

It's probably for the best. That stuff just wasn't agreeing with you. It's a shame but that's how it goes sometimes. Also, your input in the program wasn't a waste because part of it is to demonstrate how well people tolerate the drugs and if you had hard times a percentage of other people will also. Too bad this didn't work out for you though. There is still alot of research going on and maybe something else will come along soon that works for you.


Anonymous said...

{{{{oh sweetie}}} I agree with everything TL, Un and Don have said. You gave it the very best shot anyone could have while enduring and trying to tolerate the nauseau, and the rest of the sides. I think you're right. For me it is a fulltime job JUST going through regular txt - and you added in ANOTHER really strong 'poison'. Sending you a humongous hug and wishes that you'll be feeling better very soon. Something effective AND easier on the body will come along - I know it! Wouldn't it be great if we (all of us doing txt) could just go to a Hepc Spa and do treatment together, with 24 hr care and not have to work or take care of anyone else??? Just be all together & have others pamper and care for us throughout the txt?? That would be the way to do it in a perfect world, huh? Hoping you are feeling all these hugs! XXX

Sue, Toronto said...

Hi - Doesn't matter what anyone else wants, or thinks. It's about you. You decide what's right for you. No one else can.

So sorry it's so hard. You are in my thoughts.

carol said...

Not surprised and you are not letting anyone down! You gave it your best shot, nobody could ask more of you.
Brave choice,

Anonymous said...

Thank you for doing all you did. I wish you the best. Enjoy the summer!