Dismantling

I watch my life dismantled day by day. Bits go here and bits stay there. Some I'm glad to see go and some tears me apart. I got the keys for the apartment on Friday night and Ryan and I took a load up. Yesterday the girls came and we moved my trees and bushs that I had in pots up to the apartment balcony. My porch swing won't fit so when we got back we took it apart and loaded it into the truck and Jude and I will use it at work. At least I'll still have it but as each bit goes in different directions it sets off another crying spree. I take myself into the bathroom and have a cry and wash my face and head back outside to pretend all is fine. I'm sure nobody is fooled but it's easier than standing there and bawling as my stuff drives away.

Knowing that Al is on the island with his girlfriend having fun while I'm standing here dealing with all of this makes it so much worse. My favorite spot in the world, the place I asked him to take me to so many times.

Apartment

Found an apartment and I'm really happy with it. Adult complex. Hidden in the trees and very private. We are on the back of the 3rd floor of building C which is the one farthest away from the freeway and the view out my bay window in the living room would probably look out towards an indusrial area if you could see it through the trees. (A little morning sun and then shade the rest of the day which is perfect) It has a green space with lawn that runs around the back of the building that I look down on and then beyond that is huge big trees that even without leaves blocks out the industrial area and beyond. The lady (Esther) says when the leaves grow it is absolutely secluded and beautiful. It is layed out with the kitchen and livingroom running down the middle of the apartment and the bedrooms on either side. Mine has a walk through closet and a nice ensuite bathroom. There is a bit of storage in the laundry area and a hook up for an upright washer and dryer if I should decide to get one and it would hold a small freezer as well. There is a laundry room also on the main floor with I think 7 washers and 7 dryers so we don't need to have a washer and dryer in the suite. The rent is $765 a month and then $15 a month for underground secure parking. I have to go back today to sign the lease and give her a money order for the damage deposit and the deposit for my parking remote and parking key. Only people that are actually parking in the underground have access to it which is also nice. A dry spot to unload groceries etc on those wet cold days. The place is empty now so I may be able to start slowly moving stuff in over the next week or two. I'll try and take some pictures and post them. I can have a small animal there too if I pay another half month damage deposit. Eventually I will think about it. Right now I'm just worrying about leaving my dogs behind here.

I'm totally exhausted and stressed to the max and having a hard time keeping control of my emotions for the most part. I am constantly feeling like I want to just throw up. I am crying at the drop of a hat and even embarassed myself yesterday at the place when the lady asked why I was moving. I promptly burst into tears but she was very understanding and told me not to worry about it and she gave me a big hug which just made me cry more. I am a walking zombie today and still not able to sleep more than a few hours at a time. Tomorrow after work Jude and I are heading to Merritt for the night to take Paige home and we plan on being back by dinner time on Saturday. When I finally get moved I think I'm going to crawl into bed for the weekend and just watch movies and vegetate. My mom is starting to freak out and is trying to talk me into going to the doctor to get pills of some sort. I just keep telling her I just need to get moved and then I can relax a bit. Right now I just can't relax at all, I am either packing or pacing or working. I need to feel in control of what is happening right now. I'm back to the Serenity prayer and just trying to get through the days one day at a time by putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward.

Stupid and naive

That would be me. I found an email dated Feb 17/06 (have to check his account because that is where the cable and hydro bill come in still). I have been checking the account periodically for the bills and have seen other emails there but have never looked at them or anything but this one suddenly caught my attention because it said in the title line something about requested information on Jacuzzi suite from a hotel so I clicked on it. It appears that he was requesting info on booking a room for 2 with a double sauna/jacuzzi bath in a smoking room for 2 adults for the week of March 25 to the 31/06. So I phoned him. He is still denying that there was an affair but he did admit he is now with Denise. The lady from work he was giving a ride back and forth to work. So the whole time he was in his big depression and I was telling the kids to give him the benefit of the doubt he was lying and cheating and had another woman. His new email address on the 17th of February was happyone@whateveretcetc so he's a happy guy! So two weeks before I am to begin treatment and 2 days after we went and looked at a condo he walks out and then lets me believe he is distraught and on and on and on.

Josh phoned me just after I found the email and said I just got an email from dad so I phoned him and he moved out of his suite at his friends house cause of too many rules or something and right now he is house sitting for someone but they will be back on the 21st so he wants to know if he can stay with me from the 21st to the 25th and then on the 25th he has to go away for work for a week to train some other guys. I didn't say anything. Ryan knows cause he heard me yelling at Al on the phone. I was feeling so sorry for him and how much pain he was in. How stupid I feel.

Another week over

Another week is over and done and I feel like I should be able to pull myself out of the depression and sadness and anger but I just can't seem to manage it yet. My mom keeps reminding me it's only been 2 months and this takes time. Maybe when I get moved I'll feel better. The tears are still so close to the surface and start when least expected. It's embarassing. What's worse is I have no control over it. When I look at my dogs, when my friends husband calls her at work and they laugh and talk, driving in my car, standing in the shower the tears just fall. I've bit the inside of my lip raw some days trying to gain control. Maybe it would have been easier to handle if he had actually told me face to face what was going on instead of just leaving and then sending me cryptic emails assuming I knew what he meant. He's refused to actually talk to me about any of this, just says he doesn't want to fight and it is too late for counseling so in effect I get no say at all. I don't even get to comment. I wrote him an email trying to discuss some of what he had said to me in emails and now I get total coldness and "Please give my mail to Josh" So he gets to just walk away without having to hear me or deal with me at all. Maybe it wouldn't have mattered how he told me. I don't know, I just know that I should have at least been able to express how I felt about what was happening face to face with him.

Our friends Sue and Peter are in Mexico right now and will be back on Monday. They live in the Okanagan and Peter is going to drop Sue off here to spend a few days with me over spring break. She works in the school system so she gets spring break off. I'll have to go to work each day but she can either come with me or spend the day doing her own thing. Jude will have her oldest granddaughter over spring break as well so maybe both of them will be at work with us. On Friday we are leaving work a bit early and we'll drive the 4 of us up to Merritt. That is where Jude's daughters live and it is on the way to where Sue lives so Peter will pick her up in Merritt and take her the rest of the way.

Still apartment hunting. I called one that sounds good but it is within a few blocks of where I am now and I'm not sure that is a good idea if Al is going to be living here for any length of time. Tomorrow would have been my step-dad's birthday. He died a year and a half ago. I've had him on my mind all day today. Tomorrow will be a hard day for my mom. She still misses him so much.

Khushwinder made Jude and I two beautiful wooden lawn chairs for out front at work. Now all we need is some sunshine and spring weather so we can enjoy them. It snowed yesterday and overnight dropped some more. I came home early yesterday but went today. Scary slippery mess. Can't wait for spring to arrive. The sun shone for all of half an hour today but Khush and I both enjoyed it immensely.

Tigridia pavonia

That is the name of that gorgeous flower I posted a picture of on July 18th. It is a native of Mexico. It's taken us this long to figure out what it is.

Aren't they sweet looking!

Still hunting

ALT 96 AST 61 Bili 12 My latest blood tests. So my ALT and AST are down and my bili is up from 11. I have no idea what normal is for bili but the other counts look quite good I think.

Apartment hunting was interesting. It's been years since I've looked for a new place to live. We've been in this house since 1992. One sleazy guy looked me up and down a few times and said. "So just you and your son hey?" When we were done looking at the suite I said ok thanks and he again looked me up and down and repeated "so just you and your boy hey.......well I'll give ya a deal". And then he dropped the rent by $20 a month. Really creepy. We beat a hasty retreat out of there. Another place we went to was all renovated on the outside so I phoned the number and told the manager I was in the parking lot so he said ok meet you at the door. We went into the lobby and the first thing we see is the mailboxes have been pried open and are all buckled. I said, mailboxes were broken into? and he says oh yeah that was 7 or 8 years ago, we just never got them fixed. The elevator made the most horrible noise and I must have looked as nervous as I felt so the guys says Oh no worries we get it checked once a month and it's as safe as can be. Not a good beginning to the hunt!

We'll keep looking and I'm not going to take something just for the sake of moving by the first of the month. I have been thinking we might be better off in a basement suite. I might have a better chance of keeping Keesha in a basement suite too. I really don't want to leave the dogs behind but I don't have a hope in hell of keeping them both so if I can keep Keesha I'll just have to trust Al to take care of Kody.

Apartment hunting

I saw the doctor on Tuesday. He was shocked that Al had left. So obviously Al hasn't been to see the doctor as he told me he was planning on doing. The doctor asked me what I wanted to do and was I going to go back and see the specialist in the next few weeks. I said there wasn't much point really as he has nothing to offer me except for the treatment I have already been through. I said I have to work and my doctor knows how sick I got last time and he asked me if I wanted to go on assistance and do the treatment. I said no. He said you have to work? I said yes I have to. So he sent me for all my bloodwork and said we'll monitor it closely. He couldn't give me anything to help me sleep as he says none of it is good for my liver. He doesn't even really like me to take tylenol. So that's fine. I'll monitor for the time being while I get moved and settled someplace and then I'll pick the best time to be off work for a few weeks if I need to be and we'll go from there.

Al phoned David for his birthday but Josh says he phoned him a few days ago and he never got back to him and Ryan phoned him and he didn't call Ryan back either. He's been drinking alot and made a point of telling me how much he enjoys being able to have a drink each night and not have a wife to make a comment or "change her attitude towards me" I grew up in an alcoholic home and have never really liked to be around drinkers. I quit drinking myself years ago before I found out I had Hep C. I have never told Al he couldn't or shouldn't drink. But when he does get drinking and I can start to tell I withdraw from him. The few times I've talked to him he's been polite but distant. Most emails I get a one or two word response from him. I guess this is because I asked him not to give me any more explanations as to why he felt he had to leave the way he did.

Ryan and I will be out apartment hunting tomorrow and we'll see what's out there. I want a place where I can have a kitty eventually. I would like a balcony or patio big enough to have my porch swing on and a few of my potted trees. I also want to be able to afford it myself when Ryan moves out eventually and not have to move again any time soon if I find a nice place that I like. I'm trying to stay central to where I am as well. Close to shopping, the library, doctor and bank.

I'm fighting a wicked cold right now and my voice is just about gone. My throat is killing me and I think I'm going to go and have a bubble bath and go to bed and watch Amazing Race that I taped and this weeks soaps that I also tape. I watch General Hospital and One Life to Live. Some days I watch them all and some days I fast forward through them and see if anything looks important. It's mindless entertainment and distracts me somewhat.

Corina was out to spend a few days with Josh and they phoned and invited me over for dinner and we looked at a lot of the pictures from Goa. Really looks gorgeous. She brought me a medallion and prayer card from Mother Teresa's house in Calcutta. Very nice to have even though I'm not a catholic, I was and am a fan of Mother Teresa.

My chemo buddy graduated!! He is finished treatment, in remission and gaining strength. I am so happy for him. He is just coming up for his 18th birthday and will probably be graduating this year or next. I hope he never needs the services of chemo angels again! I resigned from the program for now as I have a cousin who has recently been diagnosed with cancer so I think I'll direct my efforts sending him a card every week. Well that's it for me. I'm exhausted, it's been a long week.

Christina

I had a wonderful afternoon with my girl. She is so adorable and sweet. When I got there she rushed to the door and was jumping up and down. Lots of hugs and kisses. :) We went shopping with Uncle Josh and found all the Dora clothes, socks and underware available lol. She loves Dora! New sandals and an Ariel shorts and top for summer too. She's a fun shopper. She'd put her little hand up to her cheek and say "Oh My Gosh Grandma, that is soooo adorable!" Uncle Josh found her a Dora purse to go with all her other stuff. Then off to the pool. She loves swimming but she was not impressed with the wave part of the wave pool. The buzzer would sound to warn that the waves were starting and she'd be up and running for dry land yelling "look out Grandma the tide is coming in!!" They have a separate little area with warmer water and no waves for the little ones so she wanted to go in there. We spent most of our time there. She is very outgoing and will go up to any child and say lets play!

After we'd been in the pool for awhile I happened to look out and noticed it was snowing. After we got out of the pool and dressed Dave phoned me to say it was snowing hard where they live too and they had cancelled their plans for the evening. They live about 40 minutes away so we just picked up Uncle Ryan, went through the drive thru at McDonalds and headed for her house to get her home for her birthday party tomorrow just in case it snowed all night. I got Ryan to come with me as I am a bit of a chicken driving in the snow. At least he was good company for the drive home. We got the baby home safe and sound and only stayed about 20 minutes before heading back.

Al was around this morning cleaning the garage and he came in for a minute to see if I had any garbage for the dump. I didn't have much to say to him and he left fairly quickly. He went in and saw the baby on Thursday and took her a nice new tricycle. She was happy. I'm pretty much exhausted but it made my week to see her happy little face and get those baby kisses and hugs.

Friday

Thanks for the comments and encouragement. I feel like I just come here and whine these days but it's my only outlet as I try to keep on an even keel when I'm around people. My kids don't need to see me upset and with Ryan living here I try to stay as happy and upbeat as possible. As it is he is having a hard time understanding what his dad is up to and it just makes him mad at Al when he sees me upset. Same at work. I can't cry my way through the days so I save it for when I'm alone. The computer and this blog is my place to vent. It must seem to anyone that reads this that all I do is whine and cry but for the most part I am making it through the days and trying to stay as upbeat as possible. I do better when I don't hear from or see Al. Tomorrow he is going to be here but I plan on leaving fairly early to go and get the baby girl so hopefully I won't be around him all that much. Anyway, thanks for all the encouragement and I do appreciate it. :)

Finally........

It's taken me a week to get over Al's last email and the things he's said. I emailed him and asked him to please not give me any more explanations. I am sure he has not set out to be cruel and he is only trying to explain to me why he is doing what he's doing but in the process he has said some very hurtful and hard to forget things. I tried to put them out of my mind but they just pop back over and over and reverberate in my head. I cried my way to work and home all week. (I love James Blunt but he is probably not who I should be listening to right now) But by today I was finally starting to be able to get past it. I will never be able to forget the stuff he's said but I can at least get on with things and try not to let them interfere.

He is coming over on Saturday to clean the garage out so I can go through the stuff of mine that's in there and then he's going to store stuff in there until I move out. I hope he doesn't plan on living here for too long when he does move in. Ryan and I want to stay in our community here and it's not that big a town. I have nightmares about running into him and a woman around town when I'm shopping or at the mall, doctor or library. I am sick about having to leave both my dogs behind and that is just one more thing I keep imagining, running into him and a woman out with my dogs. God this sucks so badly. Ok deep breaths and no more whining.

Today is Christina's 3rd birthday. I called her from work and sang her Happy Birthday and I got half way through before she started yelling Grandma Grandma I'm three years old and how come you are at your house. I said I wasn't at my house I was at work and asked her if she wanted to go out with me on Saturday. She's all excited. I think we may go shopping and then I'm going to take her to the wave pool here in town. They have a nice area for little kids and I can just sit in the water and let her play. Afterwards we are going to go out for dinner with Uncle Josh and Uncle Ryan. She loves her uncles and she will love being the centre of attention and having both uncles there.

Last night I actually managed to sleep until 5 this morning and only woke up two or three times during the night. I was starting to hate 4 am. What the hell does a person do at 4 in the morning? I hated lying there as my mind just went over things and round and round so I would get up and come to the computer. Pogo :) Good gaming site. I am up to $30 in Swap it.

I finally made a doctor's appointment with my family doctor for Tuesday after work and I'll go and get bloodwork done. Feeling kinda crappy and tired but I think that is probably to be expected. My liver is letting me know it's there.

Today's picture at the top is my son and daughter in law and my baby girl on the day she was born.

This last picture is my favorite picture of that day. The love on their faces as they look over at their brand new baby girl is beautiful and makes my heart glad.

Decisions decisions

The days pass and I'm still going up and down but more up than down lately. Plans are being discussed, decisions made. Al came over last Wednesday night to unplug the kitchen sink that had been plugged for 3 weeks. Had tried everything from snakes to literally gallons of drain cleaner and on Monday I had poured 4 cans of lye down there. All that happened was the water trickled down at approximately an inch an hour. I had taken to washing the dishes in a big old pot and was getting used to it actually but then Al and I had to talk because of an insurance screw up and the upshot of the discussion was I told him that I hated this house and was trapped here because of the dogs and all the crap. He had walked away and left it all in my lap and on top of it all the damn sink was plugged so he came over and unplugged the sink and we talked a bit.

Ryan and I are going to look for an apartment for the 1st of April. I can take what I want out of the house and Al is going to move back in temporarily and he'll take care of the rest and find a place for himself and the dogs. It's kind of exciting to be getting my own place. Ryan just found another job yesterday after I got him to quit the one on the other side of the river. He was a very happy guy yesterday. We'll find a place close to where he works so he can get back and forth ok. Ryan is happy to move out of this house too. I'm going to help him buy a computer and then I'll get mine back! Right now this house has 3 bedrooms and one of them is being used as a computer room. When we get moved it will probably be a two bedroom apartment so no computer room. I would rather just move my computer into the bedroom but unless Ryan has one it would exclude him from using it so the best solution is to buy him a computer. I think that is where his first few paycheques will go and then he can start helping me with the expenses and paying off his bills which was why he moved home in the first place.

I'm going to teach him how to use a cashflow spreadsheet. I tried for years to get Al to use one to help see where stuff goes and he just got testy about it so I let it go and let him handle things. Now I'm doing things my way and I love my cashflow spreadsheet. Between it and my internet banking I know to the penny where I am each and every day. Just the way I like it. Got a credit card in my name so I can start to build a credit rating in my own name.

The girls and I are making plans for travel over the next few years with a trip to the Oregon coast planned for next summer as Jude and I have a trade show in Portland we want to go to and we'll take Lynnie along. We'll then go across to the Oregon coast and spend a few days slowing coming up the coast. Jude and I are still doing our island holiday in April or May and I'm going to Quebec with my mom for Christmas next winter. And Greece in 5 years. Jude and Ed, Lynnie, my brother Willy, Jude's friend Barb, maybe my sister Barbie and I. Safety in numbers and many combinations of people to do various things with. We plan on 3 weeks there so it will be a dream holiday.

After Al was here on Wednesday night I emailed him on Thursday morning and asked him if he was sure this was what he wanted. Before I start hunting for apartments I needed to know he was sure about his decisions and was he planning on dating etc because for me if this is what he has in mind then there is no going back. It will be done and finished and I can just move on with no doubts. He got back to me yesterday with a long email but the upshot was yes he was happy with his decisions and yes he was planning on dating. He said he will check into the legalities of a separation so nothing he does will impact on me. So that's it. We are offically done. Hard to believe 28 years can just be over with no discussion and no counselling but if that is what he is wanting then that is what will happen. He is saying now that when we first got together we had the kids to worry about and he always assumed that when the kids were grown that we would then party and have fun. I was never a partier and I always thought we were having fun but I guess for him it was not enough. He wants to drink and go to bars and I don't and can't. Really I don't get much more from him than that. I have given him every opportunity to change his mind, to seek counselling for himself or for both of us and he wants none of it. At least I know I have done everything I can and can move along with no guilt.

Still haven't made a doctor's appointment. I'm a little freaked out about it all. I know I need to seek treatment at some point but I have too much to do as far as getting moved and getting set up in an apartment. I'm going to Quebec next december and don't want to be sick. We have a slow period at work in the hot part of July and August so I may take that time to start and do the ribaviran which would make me finished with it around the beginning of October. That would give me a couple of months to start feeling better before Christmas. It will all work out eventually I know. Just gotta keep doing one day at a time and concentrating on staying as healthy as possible. I haven't forgotten what the doctor said about one year of treatment giving me three years without. Maybe in 4 or 5 years they will have something better to offer us relapsers. I can do this even on my own but the timing needs to be right for it to work.

Next week my baby girl turns three. So hard to believe. The years fly by so quickly now. I guess I will pick her up one day and we'll go shopping and grandma will buy her a new outfit for spring. We can do lunch and maybe go to the park if the weather is nice.

The sun shines

The sun is shining here in BC and it makes such a difference. I came home from work last night and spent an hour and a half tidying up plants and cleaning the porch and getting my porch swing put back up. Trees are starting to bud out. Maybe too early, we could have another cold spell. I brought home a new Rhodo called Bow Belles, a beautiful pink hydrangea called Pink Parfait, a pretty pink fragrant lilac called Fairy Dust and a Winged Burning Bush. Khushwinder got the bridge finished and planted a weeping blue atlas at one end. We are going to train it to run down the one side. The garden up there is really starting to come together.

Al and I have been emailing and Ryan and I have been talking and the plan is now that we will be here in this house for six months with a plan to move into an apartment or townhouse by September 1st. Then Al may move back in here and finish up the few things I can't manage and then give our notice. I'm going to try and keep both dogs unless Al feels he can take Kody. The marriage is over. It was Al that made the move and if he had not I would have stayed in the marriage forever but now that he has made the move and I'm getting used to the idea I am realizing that we had grown apart in many ways. I'm finding that more and more I like being on my own. I can do what I want when I want. I'm lonely some days but that's to be expected.

For the first time in my life I'm on my own with nobody to answer to or be responsible for. Ryan is here but he's an adult and if I don't feel like coming home after work it's no big deal. I'm making plans to do the things I've always wanted to do. I want to travel and go camping and maybe retire someday to the Island. Al's not the bad guy and there is nobody in the wrong here. He just recognized the situation where I did not. I'm happier this week than last. I think it will just get easier from here. I know there will still be bad days but I think I've turned the corner now.

Josh got home from India today and he's looking very well and had a great time. He brought Christina home a little outfit with some braceletts, a necklace, anklet and the little dots in different colours she can wear. She tried it all on and it looked so cute. When he was in Thailand last time he brought her an outfit from there as well. After she had tried on the stuff from today she insisted on putting on her Thailand dress as well. Had to take pictures. She was so cute. This first one she is decked out in her outfit from India and was being told to do a dance so she was shaking her leg.

The second picture is her in the little outfit from Thailand. She has on her anklet.

I know I'm going to have to start treatment again but I have to wait awhile until I get settled into a new place. In the meantime I am just going to carry on and continue to take care of myself as I have been anyway. I'll make a doctor's appointment in the next week or two and go every three months and get my bloodwork done and see how I'm feeling.

Good Days, Bad Days

The days go up and down. I'm good at work and when I'm busy but the rides back and forth from work are difficult. Too much time to think. Some days the other drivers must think i'm insane. I blast the music and sing to the top of my lungs but often with tears rolling down my face. The evenings suck pretty much and sleep is an elusive thing. I have learned to hate 4 AM I got an email from Al last night and while I'm sure he's hurting, it just sounds so glib and uncaring as to what I'm feeling. He's just walked away and left me with everything. A house full of furniture, two dogs that make it almost impossible to find a smaller place with, a yard with sheds full of crap and years of storage that I am going to have to go through and decide what to do with.

Josh gets home from India on Saturday. Dave will pick him up from the airport and I'll go to Dave's and bring him home from there. Thursday night is girls night and it's at Lynnies this week. Have stuff I should be doing for work at home so i'll do alot of that on the weekend and thankfully the Olympics start this weekend so that will help keeping me distracted over the next two weeks.
The picture at the top is of a Crane that showed up in the yard yesterday. This picture is of Judy, Khushwinder and Gary standing on the new bridge Khush built yesterday over the creek that he also built last summer.

In a week or two I'll go and get my counts. See what is happening.

WooHooo!!

Tickets are bought and paid for!! March 31, 9:30pm at the Queen Elizabeth Theatre. Jude, Lynne and I will be there.

February 1st already!

Rob Thomas is coming to the Queen Elizabeth Theatre in March and the tickets go on sale on Friday. Jude and I are going to go if we can get our tickets before they are sold out! I loved him when he was with Matchbox 20 and I really love his songs with him alone. It should be a great concert. Work is getting very busy so we'll be putting in extra hours and we've decided we need a treat in the way of Rob Thomas. :)

We had also been planning a trip for a few months and we are going ahead on that as well. Some time the end of April to the end of May. We have a nice crew cab truck here at work and Jude has a camper for it. We are going to put the camper on and on a Thursday night we'll head to Vancouver Island and to Comox to pick up our friend Barb and another girl named Lindy that I don't know yet. From there we head to Tofino where we plan on camping for a few days. We want to either fly or rent a boat (Lindy is a very experienced water person who teaches kyaking among other things) and head to a place on Clayoquot Sound called Cougar Annie's Garden. That's Cougar Annie in the picture. Click the links and you can read about it all. From there we plan on heading back to Port Alberni and catch the Lady Rose and go to Bamfield and back. We will eventually end up back at Barb's on the following Tuesday and get a late ferry home and back to work on the Wednesday.

It should be lots of fun and an opportunity to relax and take some wonderful pictures. We are also planning several day trips here and there over the spring and summer as work allows. Jude's daughters live in Merrit and the Merrit Mountain Music Fesival is held there each year so we are talking about going up over night and camping up in the mountain above the festival. Also up to Celista to see friends up there that live on the Shuswap Lake for a day or two of relaxing at the lake.

I went last week and got my hair cut and streaked. I've wanted it shorter for years but Al was always against the idea and although I could have just gone and done it I took his feelings into consideration and just never got it cut as short as I wanted it. So much grey showing these days that I decided to go with some blonde streaking as well and I love it! So much easier to care for. Everyone keeps saying "Gee, you look wonderful" and looking at me puzzled. I guess everyone thought I would be a basket case and look terrible. I am made of much stronger stuff than that and I am determined to get on with things and just do the best I can.

I've been feeling pretty good with just some liver area "awareness" and tiredness. Starting to sleep better and I am refusing to let my mind wander to places I don't want it to go. Work helps and I fill my evenings with work, the internet, tv, reading and visiting with Ryan. The weekends have been very busy so far and I'm hoping this coming weekend will be a little quieter. Still working on one day at a time and the Serenity Prayer. Hard to believe we are into February already. Sun is shining this morning for the first time in ages. It's wonderful to see it!

Another new week

I had a long blog mostly done and the internet explorer crashed and I lost it all. So.........this will be much shorter and to the point.

I am doing ok. Nothing has changed much except Al has come and taken most of his stuff. He's found a basement suite in a friends house here in town and that makes me feel much better. At least he is safe and with friends and not alone and distraught as he was last week.

I've had a day or two of anger but I didn't share it with him and after talking to him on the phone on friday I realize again how much pain he is in. When we don't talk and we haven't been really as we both just cry and it is pretty disjointed and incoherent so we mostly just communicate by email, my imagination takes over and my mind goes to a lot of places I really don't want to go. When I tried to sleep I had dreams of running into him and he was with some unknown blonde woman and it just did me in. I know that at least right now that is not what is going on. There is no woman, there is no affair, there is just his depression and breakdown. He knows I love him and that I am here for him if he needs me and that is all he will let me help with. He says everytime he sees me or talks to me he just screws me up all over again. I am still after him to get to the doctor and get some help and he is still saying he can't right now. So thank god he has moved where he has and has friends upstairs he can talk to. At least I know they will keep an eye on him. He's been to see two of the boys and I'm glad he's been able to do that.

I am hyperactive and need to keep moving and busy and keep my mind occupied. I'm very tired but not sleeping properly. I fall asleep exhausted and then wake up in a few hours and lay there running things through my mind over and over. I can feel my liver but am ignoring it right now. I know stress is hurting me so I am still getting things in order and how I need them to be. I am going to work extra hours at work but will do it at home in the evenings and weekends to keep my mind occupied. It is all computer work so no physical exertion required. By keeping extensive notes during the day it helps my fuzzy mind and absent mindedness and I'm staying on top of things at work.

We have a big open house coming up in May and I need to have the webpage as finished and up to date as possible with pictures of each plant and tree. I am also keeping on top of our plant database and new spring stock coming in. We want to streamline our tagging and pricing as we don't have the manpower to be changing prices and tags on all the nursery stock twice a year as stuff grows. So we've been working on that as well. I have to get our first catalog done and ready for May as well as for our big trade show (CanWest) in September. The tree relocation business has gotten extremely busy and we have several huge jobs coming up over the next months. So work will keep me very busy and that is a good thing. Jude is not in the position to give me a raise right now but said to put in as many hours as I like over the weekends and evening and get a raise of sorts that way. I plan on doing just that.

The boys are all busy. Ryan is here with me and it is so nice to come home and not find an empty house. We have decided to stay here for probably at least another year. The yard is fenced for the dogs and yes..........I still have Kody and Keesha. I just can't give up Kody unless Al wants to take him at some point. Right now he is my constant shadow. If I am sitting at my desk he is under my feet in the desk well, if I get up and move he moves with me. Geez even into the bathroom. I have to take him in with me or he cries at the door and when I do take him in he sits in front of me with one paw on my knee till we are done and move to the next location. Keesha spends most of the day sleeping on my bed but if I get upset at all she is right there as well and the two of them crowd in and sit looking at me with great concern. So they are great company and confort. They sleep by the bed at night and at any strange noise they are immediately on alert.

Josh was leaving yesterday for India and Dave and Allie were moving into a house so we had it all arranged I would take Josh in as far as Dave and Allies new place so I could see the house and get the baby kisses and snuggles. Dave would take Josh to the airport for me and I wouldn't have that long drive late at night in the rain. His flight was at 9:45pm. Ryan came in with us and we saw the house and I love it. Very cute and clean with lots of room and a fenced back yard for the baby. It is close to the beach in White Rock so this summer I'll be able to buzz in, pick up my baby girl and we can spend time at the beach and park. I'm looking so forward to it. Dave and Josh headed out for the airport and Ryan and I headed home. Quick shower and a light dinner in front of a movie was the plan. I checked my email and there was an email from Josh at the airport and he had totally screwed up and missed his flight. He was at the airport with no cell phone or phone numbers etc. I emailed him the phone numbers and he called. He has managed to book another flight out for today at an additional $1300.00 He is furious with himself. He stayed at a friends in town and will be back at the airport today but he wanted me to email his girlfriend with the new info and flight numbers etc. I've done that and hopefully it will still all work out for him. He'll email and keep me informed.

Well so much for a short and to the point blog!! I'm still working on the one day at a time mantra and the serenity prayer and as Peter said I just have to say God grant me the serenity and it helps. I have so much support from so many directions. I wish Al had the same. Hopefully he will reach out. We are all here for him when he decides he wants us.

The picture today was taken on the 15th of December. It was early in the morning and the piece of machinery in the front is one of our tree spades.

Monday

I am just not the type of person that curls up into a llittle ball and disolves in self pity. One day at a time. It's been almost 2 weeks since he left initially and the worst of the tears and poor me's are over. I am very very worried about him but I have done all that he will allow me to do and he just plain and simple does not want to be here. It doesn't matter why. He tells me he loves me and that it has absolutely nothing to do with me and anything I did or did not do. All I can really do now is take care of myself and be here for him should he decide he needs to talk. The tears are still very close to the surface but I am starting to be able to control my thoughts and emotions at work and save the tears for when I'm alone at night.

I spent the weekend informing my mom as to what is happening and trying to get myself organized and stable financially. Taken care of most of it and made some hard decisions. My youngest son is living here at the moment and he and I have discussed things and he will be staying here with me and will help out financially. Al is going to help towards maintaining things here as well. But what it does mean is I have to have my paycheque each month and cannot afford to be sick and on treatment. So today I finally phoned and cancelled the appointment. I know how badly stress affects me and that's part of the reason I felt the need to get things under control so I know exactly where I stand and what I can and cannot do. Now I have to stay on an even keel and get through the days one day at a time.

Consequently my weekend was very busy and involved a lot of driving in bad conditions. Dark and rainy nights are very hard for me as I think I have no night vision and the rain obscures things even more. I found myself all clenched up and it makes you very tired. Today I am back to work and tonight I am exhausted but I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders just by getting it all under control. Tonight I am resting and I'll get through the week. This next weekend will be one of rest. Unfortunately I am sleeping very little but I hope this will get better as the days go by. I can't say I'm not hurt and devastated by what has happened but I can deal with this. One day at a time. That's pretty much become my mantra. I say it to myself many times during the day. I can do this, one day at a time.

Carol, Sue, Peter, Miss Poppy, JJ and Hep C Boy your caring and support has helped really and truly. Thank you so much. My dad was an alcoholic and spent many years in AA. The serenity prayer I think works for many things and not just for people in AA.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. That's what I'm asking now.

Anne

Saturday

Al came this morning and it's over. He wants out. He says he still loves me but we don't want the same things anymore. i'm falling apart. I'll blog when i can.

Depression

He seems to have all the symptoms of depression. We have been in touch by email daily and he sounds so sad and in so much pain it kills me to read it. The boys initially because super protective of Mom but I've talked to all of them and asked them to give him some time. He emailed the boys and they have responded and we are all just in limbo waiting now. He has contacted his human resources at work and is seeking help. He isn't ready to come home. He may not ever be. One day at a time.

I went back to work for a few hours yesterday and will go each day now. I'm still having trouble controlling my emotions but for the most part have it under control.

One day at a time

Well today my life fell apart. My husband doesn't think he wants this anymore and for the time being while he figures it out, he has moved out. Right up until Tuesday I thought we had a good rock solid marriage. Maybe that proves that I haven't being paying enough attention. He is a good man and has done a wonderful job of helping me raise the boys. He put up with a year of treatment where I was so sick that for much of it I was not functioning. Maybe the burden of doing this for another year was just too much for him to contemplate right now. I just don't know.

I've decided to put off treatment for the time being as I have no idea what is going to be happening for the next little while. I cannot risk being too sick to work when I may be relying on only my paycheque. I have to take some time and figure out what happens next. If the split becomes permanent then I have to move into a smaller place that I can afford and I don't want to be trying to do that either while on treatment. One day at a time for the next while.