Decisions decisions

The days pass and I'm still going up and down but more up than down lately. Plans are being discussed, decisions made. Al came over last Wednesday night to unplug the kitchen sink that had been plugged for 3 weeks. Had tried everything from snakes to literally gallons of drain cleaner and on Monday I had poured 4 cans of lye down there. All that happened was the water trickled down at approximately an inch an hour. I had taken to washing the dishes in a big old pot and was getting used to it actually but then Al and I had to talk because of an insurance screw up and the upshot of the discussion was I told him that I hated this house and was trapped here because of the dogs and all the crap. He had walked away and left it all in my lap and on top of it all the damn sink was plugged so he came over and unplugged the sink and we talked a bit.

Ryan and I are going to look for an apartment for the 1st of April. I can take what I want out of the house and Al is going to move back in temporarily and he'll take care of the rest and find a place for himself and the dogs. It's kind of exciting to be getting my own place. Ryan just found another job yesterday after I got him to quit the one on the other side of the river. He was a very happy guy yesterday. We'll find a place close to where he works so he can get back and forth ok. Ryan is happy to move out of this house too. I'm going to help him buy a computer and then I'll get mine back! Right now this house has 3 bedrooms and one of them is being used as a computer room. When we get moved it will probably be a two bedroom apartment so no computer room. I would rather just move my computer into the bedroom but unless Ryan has one it would exclude him from using it so the best solution is to buy him a computer. I think that is where his first few paycheques will go and then he can start helping me with the expenses and paying off his bills which was why he moved home in the first place.

I'm going to teach him how to use a cashflow spreadsheet. I tried for years to get Al to use one to help see where stuff goes and he just got testy about it so I let it go and let him handle things. Now I'm doing things my way and I love my cashflow spreadsheet. Between it and my internet banking I know to the penny where I am each and every day. Just the way I like it. Got a credit card in my name so I can start to build a credit rating in my own name.

The girls and I are making plans for travel over the next few years with a trip to the Oregon coast planned for next summer as Jude and I have a trade show in Portland we want to go to and we'll take Lynnie along. We'll then go across to the Oregon coast and spend a few days slowing coming up the coast. Jude and I are still doing our island holiday in April or May and I'm going to Quebec with my mom for Christmas next winter. And Greece in 5 years. Jude and Ed, Lynnie, my brother Willy, Jude's friend Barb, maybe my sister Barbie and I. Safety in numbers and many combinations of people to do various things with. We plan on 3 weeks there so it will be a dream holiday.

After Al was here on Wednesday night I emailed him on Thursday morning and asked him if he was sure this was what he wanted. Before I start hunting for apartments I needed to know he was sure about his decisions and was he planning on dating etc because for me if this is what he has in mind then there is no going back. It will be done and finished and I can just move on with no doubts. He got back to me yesterday with a long email but the upshot was yes he was happy with his decisions and yes he was planning on dating. He said he will check into the legalities of a separation so nothing he does will impact on me. So that's it. We are offically done. Hard to believe 28 years can just be over with no discussion and no counselling but if that is what he is wanting then that is what will happen. He is saying now that when we first got together we had the kids to worry about and he always assumed that when the kids were grown that we would then party and have fun. I was never a partier and I always thought we were having fun but I guess for him it was not enough. He wants to drink and go to bars and I don't and can't. Really I don't get much more from him than that. I have given him every opportunity to change his mind, to seek counselling for himself or for both of us and he wants none of it. At least I know I have done everything I can and can move along with no guilt.

Still haven't made a doctor's appointment. I'm a little freaked out about it all. I know I need to seek treatment at some point but I have too much to do as far as getting moved and getting set up in an apartment. I'm going to Quebec next december and don't want to be sick. We have a slow period at work in the hot part of July and August so I may take that time to start and do the ribaviran which would make me finished with it around the beginning of October. That would give me a couple of months to start feeling better before Christmas. It will all work out eventually I know. Just gotta keep doing one day at a time and concentrating on staying as healthy as possible. I haven't forgotten what the doctor said about one year of treatment giving me three years without. Maybe in 4 or 5 years they will have something better to offer us relapsers. I can do this even on my own but the timing needs to be right for it to work.

Next week my baby girl turns three. So hard to believe. The years fly by so quickly now. I guess I will pick her up one day and we'll go shopping and grandma will buy her a new outfit for spring. We can do lunch and maybe go to the park if the weather is nice.