Babies

It has been very busy at work and we are working six days a week through the month of May so I get home and basically just collapse in a heap. We had a pair of geese at work with 8 eggs in their nest and then one morning we came to work and the eggs were all broken and the geese were gone. At first we blamed it on the coyote that we see quite often around the office but then we realized that the eggs were not smashed but more like they have a hole bitten in them and then were sucked on and we did have a mink that we saw at work one day over the winter. So whoever it was they got the eggs.

This morning a pair of geese showed up in the same spot with one baby. We are hoping it's the same pair and they managed to save the one egg and hide it away and hatch it. The baby is very small and brand new but so cute. They had him out eating and then took him for a swim and then when we were around the other side of the pond they led him up the berm, around the barn and out into the back. He is so cute.

Then awhile later Khush came and got me and said there is a duck with babies out there. I grabbed my camera and went out and there was a mother duck with 10 little ducklings but she was with a goose. We can't tell if it is a male or female goose but they have formed a unit and the 12 of them stick together and the goose protects the duck and the ducklings. If you get too close the goose sticks her neck out and hisses at you and puts itself between you and the ducks.

Busy busy

Wow time flies on bye when you are busy. With only 4 of us at work our day is as full as can be. Then some days when I get home I'm so tired I do a couple of things, sit to watch tv and fall asleep and sleep till morning. This usually happens about once a week. So I guess I make up for it in one fell swoop. My day usually starts about 4:45am with Nemo racing around the bed so I lay there for a few minutes and then get up and get Ryan up and moving. He has to be at work at 6am so we usually leave the apartment around 5:30. By the time I get the car warmed up and moving and get him to work and get back myself it is 6am. Then I get ready myself and have been leaving by around 6:30 and am at work close to 7am. Work till 3:30 (usually) and then home. Some days we don't get out of there til almost 4 but we aim for 3:30.

I get home, feed the kitten, feed the fish, do anything around the house that needs doing, do dinner and sit to watch my soaps. If I'm lucky I last till they are done and then fall asleep many nights before 9pm. This week we are going to start being open on Saturday's at work so we'll all be working 6 days a week for awhile. We'll see how that goes. I'm hoping to bank the extra day each week so I have a full paycheque for the week I'm gone to Quebec.

Last Saturday Jude and Lynne and I went to Dart's Garden and really enjoyed that. We went to White Rock afterwards and had fish and chips for lunch and then checked out a little store that makes jewelry that we had parked right in front of. I got a chunky type of bracelet (the black and silver one) that I really liked so I came home and made a pair of earrings to go with it. Some of her other stuff inspired me so I made a bracelet and earrings (the green set) on Monday night and I'm going to make a necklace to go with it on girls night on Thursday. It's at my house this week.

Nemo is great and gets very spunky. He flies around the house now and gets into trouble in all sorts of ways! He loves the fish. He sat on the end of the couch the other night and watched them for awhile then he ran full tilt down the couch and launched himself at the glass front of the aquarium and looked so confused when he hit the glass and slid down and disappeared below the couch. He sure makes me laugh.

The other night I went to bed and left the computer on as I always do and when I woke up in the morning I shook the mouse to kill the screensaver and there were about 5 or 6 windows open on my desktop! One was asking for a disk to be inserted, another was my "run" with a long string of eeeeeeeeeeeeee's in it. He must have danced all over my keyboard! I just hope he didn't download anything.

My liver bothers me a bit and gives me a jab every so often just to remind me it's there. I am ignoring it for the time being and will go back for liver function tests when I get back from Quebec in July. I will see where I'm at then and deal with it accordingly. If all is ok I am planning on going back to the specialist in the fall and see what he has to say and I guess see about starting treatment next January.

I've seen Al a few times and gone with him to walk the dogs on the dike on weekend mornings. I really don't think we will ever get back together again and I'm not even sure I would want to at this point but after 28 years I do feel we need to make the effort and see if there is anything left at all to the marriage. Before I can move on with my life I need to know that I did everything possible.

Finding Nemo

Today Lynnie and I went to the flea market still on the hunt for a kitten and also I was thinking I would like to get back into having an aquarium again. So we went and the only kitten near the gate was a beautiful Burmese kitten but the girl wanted $350 for him!! Not what I wanted to pay plus I had decided a short haired kitty would be best and I wanted to get a white one if at all possible. So we continued on and there was a super good deal on an aquarium. Looked to be probaby a 30 gallon tank with a wrought iron stand and all the supplies included gravel, 2 filters, 2 underground filters, pump, artificial plants and rocks etc all for $30 so I said I'd take it and the guy kept it there for us as we continued on.

We went all through the outside area and looked at the plants and stuff and then into the building and all through there and then noticed they had people set up outside on the other side in a pole barn and more beyond so we wandered all through there as well. As we were heading out to the gate to get the car and take it around to the other area to load up the fish tank I noticed a van with the back doors open and a cat carrier inside with a bag of dry cat food sitting on top. I stopped and bent over and peeked in and there were two kittens inside. A little orange one and a pure white one. I went and found the lady and she came back and tried to give me the orange one to hold and said this one is $4o and the other is $60. I said I am more interested in the white one, may I see it please. She hesitated and then brought him out and said well I don't really want to sell him and I said $6o because I didn't think you'd want him then. I said well I do want him so $60 is fine. She then said well I would have asked $100 for him actually but I'll let you have him for $70. I said fine after a bit of dickering because there was another lady standing right behind me waiting for her turn to see the kittens and I knew he would be gone if I didn't take him right then and there. So he is mine! He has one blue eye and one green eye and on the way home we decided to call him Nemo because he came with a fish tank lol. Well the same day as the fish tank anyway. See allow me to introduce you to Nemo the newest member of the household. Isn't he adorable!!

Before on garden spot

This is a sad looking area isn't it. The building to the right is the office and the first bit of window you can see is my office area. To the left it climbs up to the pond and is beautiful but this little area has been left and is a mess. The barn we want to save as it is a heritage building and been there over a hundred years. We are trying to save the money from here and there to put a new roof on it. This is the area that we are planning on putting our work garden. My swing will come over to this area as well. We are planning on some days after work to just shut the gates and stay and garden.

I'm going to put a few pictures of my trees that I managed to cram onto my balcony. I kept my Full Moon Maple, Shojo Nomura Maple, Samurai Maple, my Grace Smokebush, 2 Rhodo's, 2 Azaleas, my new Pink Parfait Hydrangea, my climbing Hydrangea, a Pink Mallow and my Blue River II Hibiscus and my Red Heart Hibiscus. I've brought home since I've been here a Blue Gracewort, Candy Tuft, a creeping raspberry, a gorgeous heather called Kramer's Red and a Catoneaster that I'm planning on putting under my trees in the same pots. Oh yes I brough home a chive as well. I was planning on putting some annuals under the trees then thought why not just put some small shrubs that flower each year or get berries. There is just enought room to have two chairs and a table between with my water fountain that sounds so pretty running. Yes Ryan does think I'm insane but he keeps it to himself for the most part and I think he actually enjoys having the plants out there as that is where he is relegated to smoke!



The trees outside the property that I look out on, are leafing out beautifully and it is very pretty and secluded up here. The way the building is layed out you can not see any other balconies when you are out on your own so it's nice and private. In the picture above you can see the wall that separates my balcony from the balcony of the apartment next door so I guess we'll be able to hear each other but that's about it.





The living room is pretty much done except for a chair that I would like to buy to put in front of the window. The apartment gets afternoon shade and one of those windows opens right up as does the door of course so I thought a chair right there at the widow with both the window and door open on those warm summer evenings would be very nice and comfy. I haven't found what I'm looking for yet but I will.

Well I am off to meet Al this morning and take the dogs for a walk. We are trying to talk things through and spend a bit of time together and see how we feel about things. I love seeing the dogs and getting out and walking them. Good exercise for all of us. Ryan and I have tossed back and forth getting a small apartment sized dog or a kitten and we both think a kitten is more in tune to our new lifestyle than a puppy would be. We are on the 3rd floor and I really can't see myself at 2 in the morning taking a small puppy down to have a pee. A kitten that will grow up living in an apartment and not being an outside cat at all will be better for us. Our cats that we found homes for were both used to being outside and would not have adapted well in an apartment so we are on the hunt now for the perfect kitten.

Brighter days

Things are looking much brighter and I'm feeling relaxed and good. I talked to Al over the weekend and we went out for a walk and some coffee. Lots was touched on but we'll see how it goes. He says I jumped to some conclusions that were not true but he never corrected my conclusions either. If nothing else we are starting to be able to be friends again.

The apartment is great! It's bright and easy to keep clean. I have it pretty much the way I want it and Ryan is happy with it as well. The only down side is his bedroom which he promises to get done this week. In the mean time I'm closing his door when I can't stand seeing it.

Work is good. Busy as we can handle and the weather is finally getting nicer and so that brings out the people wanting trees and shrubs for their gardens. Yesterday I worked outside most of the day setting up the one gallon area and cleaning out another area that we plan on putting discount plants into. Stuff that will come back but didn't overwinter very well. Khushwinder is planting around the ponds as he goes and has the time.

There is an area between the barn and office that we haven't done much with yet and Jude and I were looking at it yesterday and we are going to turn it into a garden area for us at work to garden in. Her husband Ed is going to build us some nice big raised beds and Khushwinder has fixed up the outside of the barn and put some window boxes in for us. We are going to move my porch swing into that area as well and it will be a nice little area we can use after work. We'll close the gates and sit and have a nice swing and then work on the garden. We want to put in some veggies that all of us at work like. We are all big squash eaters so we'll put a few tires on the bank and plant some squash in the tires, some carrots and maybe some broccoli and cauliflower, cukes and whatever else we feel like. All four of us and Ed if he's into it, can garden there whenever we get a minute during the day and after work as well.

Jude planted the window boxes the other night with petunias of various colours so that will look beautiful. There is a farm on the way home close to where I live now and they rent out garden plots to anyone who wants one and I've been looking at it each day and thinking I want to garden! So Jude and I talked about it yesterday and she was totally into it as well and Khush got interested immediately as well so this will work for all of us. I'll take pictures as we go. When I get home tonight or later today if I have a chance I'll take some pictures the way it is now and then as we go. I'm happy with what we got done yesterday. The guys are heading out on a job today so probably will be gone for most of the day so I can work my way along with the plan I started yesterday plus I need to get out there and get some pictures of the trees as they are getting their leaves. I noticed yesterday some of the trees are in bloom that I totally missed last year as it got so busy so quickly so I need to get out there today for sure and take those pictures.

We are going to be into the summer before we know it and I have to get together our catalog before the CanWest show in September. Lots of hours at home working on it but that's fine too as I can bank my hours for the week I'll be away in Quebec in July. I would like to get as many hours banked as possible for the coming winter for when I may need to be off here and there if I do start treatment. We'll see.

I was at Dave and Allies on the weekend and spent some good time with my baby girl and got some cute pictures of her. She sat on the table in front of me and made funny faces so I could take pictures and show them too her quickly on the screen. She'd laugh and laugh and then say Ok grandma take more. So I got quite a few of her being silly but manageed to sneak in a few good ones too. And as much as I hate getting my picture taken I let Allie get one of Christina and I together.




I'm looking forward to be able to go and pick her up on those warm evenings or weekends and head to the beach or park. That is if I can afford the gas!! Man the prices suck right now and they keep saying it's going to get worse.

Sunday

It was Jude's 50th birthday on Friday so a bunch of us were going to go out for dinner. I almost canceled because it was all couples. Then it was decided to all just stay at their place and have dinner there. I went and we had a nice time. It's very weird to go places where everyone else is drinking and smoking pot and you are doing neither. I don't mind other people drinking until they get drunk then I want nothing to do with them and the pot smoking doesn't bother me at all but it's weird to see people deteriorate as the evening goes on.

Al and I had a small email exchange and he says he is alone at the house and that I can come by and see the dogs any time. He's going to give Josh my key to give back to me so I can go when he's not there if I prefer. I'm not sure if it's a good idea or not. The thought of saying good bye to them over and over is not very appealing but I am missing them alot. He says we need to talk. Finally. I have no idea where his head is at or what he's thinking but it will be much easier to decipher if I can see his face.

The apartment is pretty much all unpacked and put away now. I like it and it's comfortable. Ryan is a good roommate and is quiet and spends a lot of his time in his room on his computer or sleeping. He starts work at 6am though and that's a drag because I am the person who drives him to work in the morning. So I drive him and then come home for an hour before I have to head out. He's been getting a ride home with someone from work but that guy got fired on Friday so I'm not sure if he's just going to wait for me to come get him or what.

Work has been pretty busy with the guys out on lots of jobs. Next week is a 4 day week and then a 4 day weekend and then another 4 day week. That will be nice. The weather is getting good and it's warming up considerably. My trees on the balcony are all getting their leaves. So pretty and delicate at this time of the year. One of my azaleas is getting ready to bloom as well. Jude and Barb and I were talking on Friday night about when the best time to head to the island will be and we haven't quite decided yet. Mom and I are booked for Quebec for the week of the 8th of July to the 15th so am hoping for good weather. Steve and Ginette live on a lake now and have their own dock. Not sure if it's a good swimming lake or not. I hope it is. I've lost a fair amount of weight so I am hoping to keep that trend going so I can at least feel comfortable in a bathing suit.

My liver area has been sore and for the last several days I have pain in my back that hurts when I swallow. I'm not sure what that's all about but it's about where my liver would be just in the back instead of the front. I am still covered under Al's extended health and am filing my income tax this next week so my portion of pharmacare should go down. Then maybe I can start treatment in the Fall after we are done with CanWest this year. I know I have to do it again but now with having to work being so important it's harder to pick the right time.

The top picture is my Full Moon Maple just opening it's leaves. I love the way it looks right now. The new green and the accordian style of unfolding. The other is my Shojo Namura getting it's leaves as well. My climbing Hydrangea has flower heads on it and this will be it's first year of bloom. My azalea is opening it's flower buds as well. The Samurai is just starting to get it's leaves but I'll post pictures as they come.

Moved

I'm moved and still depressed, weepy and tired to the bone and my liver area is bugging me. My dogs are gone, Al is still with another woman and all that's really changed is I don't have to go home each day and see his stuff still around here and there. I miss my dogs and even though he's done what he's done I still miss my husband and our life we had.

The girls and I went and saw Rob Thomas on Friday night and it was the highlight of the week. The man can sing. Anna Nalick opened for him and she was good too. Didn't get home till 2:30 in the morning. Concert ended at 12:30 and then the long drive home and Jude to drop off in Langley on the way.

My sister came out on Saturday after work and stayed overnight until Sunday evening and helped me get most things put away and set up.

Dismantling

I watch my life dismantled day by day. Bits go here and bits stay there. Some I'm glad to see go and some tears me apart. I got the keys for the apartment on Friday night and Ryan and I took a load up. Yesterday the girls came and we moved my trees and bushs that I had in pots up to the apartment balcony. My porch swing won't fit so when we got back we took it apart and loaded it into the truck and Jude and I will use it at work. At least I'll still have it but as each bit goes in different directions it sets off another crying spree. I take myself into the bathroom and have a cry and wash my face and head back outside to pretend all is fine. I'm sure nobody is fooled but it's easier than standing there and bawling as my stuff drives away.

Knowing that Al is on the island with his girlfriend having fun while I'm standing here dealing with all of this makes it so much worse. My favorite spot in the world, the place I asked him to take me to so many times.

Apartment

Found an apartment and I'm really happy with it. Adult complex. Hidden in the trees and very private. We are on the back of the 3rd floor of building C which is the one farthest away from the freeway and the view out my bay window in the living room would probably look out towards an indusrial area if you could see it through the trees. (A little morning sun and then shade the rest of the day which is perfect) It has a green space with lawn that runs around the back of the building that I look down on and then beyond that is huge big trees that even without leaves blocks out the industrial area and beyond. The lady (Esther) says when the leaves grow it is absolutely secluded and beautiful. It is layed out with the kitchen and livingroom running down the middle of the apartment and the bedrooms on either side. Mine has a walk through closet and a nice ensuite bathroom. There is a bit of storage in the laundry area and a hook up for an upright washer and dryer if I should decide to get one and it would hold a small freezer as well. There is a laundry room also on the main floor with I think 7 washers and 7 dryers so we don't need to have a washer and dryer in the suite. The rent is $765 a month and then $15 a month for underground secure parking. I have to go back today to sign the lease and give her a money order for the damage deposit and the deposit for my parking remote and parking key. Only people that are actually parking in the underground have access to it which is also nice. A dry spot to unload groceries etc on those wet cold days. The place is empty now so I may be able to start slowly moving stuff in over the next week or two. I'll try and take some pictures and post them. I can have a small animal there too if I pay another half month damage deposit. Eventually I will think about it. Right now I'm just worrying about leaving my dogs behind here.

I'm totally exhausted and stressed to the max and having a hard time keeping control of my emotions for the most part. I am constantly feeling like I want to just throw up. I am crying at the drop of a hat and even embarassed myself yesterday at the place when the lady asked why I was moving. I promptly burst into tears but she was very understanding and told me not to worry about it and she gave me a big hug which just made me cry more. I am a walking zombie today and still not able to sleep more than a few hours at a time. Tomorrow after work Jude and I are heading to Merritt for the night to take Paige home and we plan on being back by dinner time on Saturday. When I finally get moved I think I'm going to crawl into bed for the weekend and just watch movies and vegetate. My mom is starting to freak out and is trying to talk me into going to the doctor to get pills of some sort. I just keep telling her I just need to get moved and then I can relax a bit. Right now I just can't relax at all, I am either packing or pacing or working. I need to feel in control of what is happening right now. I'm back to the Serenity prayer and just trying to get through the days one day at a time by putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward.

Stupid and naive

That would be me. I found an email dated Feb 17/06 (have to check his account because that is where the cable and hydro bill come in still). I have been checking the account periodically for the bills and have seen other emails there but have never looked at them or anything but this one suddenly caught my attention because it said in the title line something about requested information on Jacuzzi suite from a hotel so I clicked on it. It appears that he was requesting info on booking a room for 2 with a double sauna/jacuzzi bath in a smoking room for 2 adults for the week of March 25 to the 31/06. So I phoned him. He is still denying that there was an affair but he did admit he is now with Denise. The lady from work he was giving a ride back and forth to work. So the whole time he was in his big depression and I was telling the kids to give him the benefit of the doubt he was lying and cheating and had another woman. His new email address on the 17th of February was happyone@whateveretcetc so he's a happy guy! So two weeks before I am to begin treatment and 2 days after we went and looked at a condo he walks out and then lets me believe he is distraught and on and on and on.

Josh phoned me just after I found the email and said I just got an email from dad so I phoned him and he moved out of his suite at his friends house cause of too many rules or something and right now he is house sitting for someone but they will be back on the 21st so he wants to know if he can stay with me from the 21st to the 25th and then on the 25th he has to go away for work for a week to train some other guys. I didn't say anything. Ryan knows cause he heard me yelling at Al on the phone. I was feeling so sorry for him and how much pain he was in. How stupid I feel.

Another week over

Another week is over and done and I feel like I should be able to pull myself out of the depression and sadness and anger but I just can't seem to manage it yet. My mom keeps reminding me it's only been 2 months and this takes time. Maybe when I get moved I'll feel better. The tears are still so close to the surface and start when least expected. It's embarassing. What's worse is I have no control over it. When I look at my dogs, when my friends husband calls her at work and they laugh and talk, driving in my car, standing in the shower the tears just fall. I've bit the inside of my lip raw some days trying to gain control. Maybe it would have been easier to handle if he had actually told me face to face what was going on instead of just leaving and then sending me cryptic emails assuming I knew what he meant. He's refused to actually talk to me about any of this, just says he doesn't want to fight and it is too late for counseling so in effect I get no say at all. I don't even get to comment. I wrote him an email trying to discuss some of what he had said to me in emails and now I get total coldness and "Please give my mail to Josh" So he gets to just walk away without having to hear me or deal with me at all. Maybe it wouldn't have mattered how he told me. I don't know, I just know that I should have at least been able to express how I felt about what was happening face to face with him.

Our friends Sue and Peter are in Mexico right now and will be back on Monday. They live in the Okanagan and Peter is going to drop Sue off here to spend a few days with me over spring break. She works in the school system so she gets spring break off. I'll have to go to work each day but she can either come with me or spend the day doing her own thing. Jude will have her oldest granddaughter over spring break as well so maybe both of them will be at work with us. On Friday we are leaving work a bit early and we'll drive the 4 of us up to Merritt. That is where Jude's daughters live and it is on the way to where Sue lives so Peter will pick her up in Merritt and take her the rest of the way.

Still apartment hunting. I called one that sounds good but it is within a few blocks of where I am now and I'm not sure that is a good idea if Al is going to be living here for any length of time. Tomorrow would have been my step-dad's birthday. He died a year and a half ago. I've had him on my mind all day today. Tomorrow will be a hard day for my mom. She still misses him so much.

Khushwinder made Jude and I two beautiful wooden lawn chairs for out front at work. Now all we need is some sunshine and spring weather so we can enjoy them. It snowed yesterday and overnight dropped some more. I came home early yesterday but went today. Scary slippery mess. Can't wait for spring to arrive. The sun shone for all of half an hour today but Khush and I both enjoyed it immensely.

Tigridia pavonia

That is the name of that gorgeous flower I posted a picture of on July 18th. It is a native of Mexico. It's taken us this long to figure out what it is.

Aren't they sweet looking!

Still hunting

ALT 96 AST 61 Bili 12 My latest blood tests. So my ALT and AST are down and my bili is up from 11. I have no idea what normal is for bili but the other counts look quite good I think.

Apartment hunting was interesting. It's been years since I've looked for a new place to live. We've been in this house since 1992. One sleazy guy looked me up and down a few times and said. "So just you and your son hey?" When we were done looking at the suite I said ok thanks and he again looked me up and down and repeated "so just you and your boy hey.......well I'll give ya a deal". And then he dropped the rent by $20 a month. Really creepy. We beat a hasty retreat out of there. Another place we went to was all renovated on the outside so I phoned the number and told the manager I was in the parking lot so he said ok meet you at the door. We went into the lobby and the first thing we see is the mailboxes have been pried open and are all buckled. I said, mailboxes were broken into? and he says oh yeah that was 7 or 8 years ago, we just never got them fixed. The elevator made the most horrible noise and I must have looked as nervous as I felt so the guys says Oh no worries we get it checked once a month and it's as safe as can be. Not a good beginning to the hunt!

We'll keep looking and I'm not going to take something just for the sake of moving by the first of the month. I have been thinking we might be better off in a basement suite. I might have a better chance of keeping Keesha in a basement suite too. I really don't want to leave the dogs behind but I don't have a hope in hell of keeping them both so if I can keep Keesha I'll just have to trust Al to take care of Kody.

Apartment hunting

I saw the doctor on Tuesday. He was shocked that Al had left. So obviously Al hasn't been to see the doctor as he told me he was planning on doing. The doctor asked me what I wanted to do and was I going to go back and see the specialist in the next few weeks. I said there wasn't much point really as he has nothing to offer me except for the treatment I have already been through. I said I have to work and my doctor knows how sick I got last time and he asked me if I wanted to go on assistance and do the treatment. I said no. He said you have to work? I said yes I have to. So he sent me for all my bloodwork and said we'll monitor it closely. He couldn't give me anything to help me sleep as he says none of it is good for my liver. He doesn't even really like me to take tylenol. So that's fine. I'll monitor for the time being while I get moved and settled someplace and then I'll pick the best time to be off work for a few weeks if I need to be and we'll go from there.

Al phoned David for his birthday but Josh says he phoned him a few days ago and he never got back to him and Ryan phoned him and he didn't call Ryan back either. He's been drinking alot and made a point of telling me how much he enjoys being able to have a drink each night and not have a wife to make a comment or "change her attitude towards me" I grew up in an alcoholic home and have never really liked to be around drinkers. I quit drinking myself years ago before I found out I had Hep C. I have never told Al he couldn't or shouldn't drink. But when he does get drinking and I can start to tell I withdraw from him. The few times I've talked to him he's been polite but distant. Most emails I get a one or two word response from him. I guess this is because I asked him not to give me any more explanations as to why he felt he had to leave the way he did.

Ryan and I will be out apartment hunting tomorrow and we'll see what's out there. I want a place where I can have a kitty eventually. I would like a balcony or patio big enough to have my porch swing on and a few of my potted trees. I also want to be able to afford it myself when Ryan moves out eventually and not have to move again any time soon if I find a nice place that I like. I'm trying to stay central to where I am as well. Close to shopping, the library, doctor and bank.

I'm fighting a wicked cold right now and my voice is just about gone. My throat is killing me and I think I'm going to go and have a bubble bath and go to bed and watch Amazing Race that I taped and this weeks soaps that I also tape. I watch General Hospital and One Life to Live. Some days I watch them all and some days I fast forward through them and see if anything looks important. It's mindless entertainment and distracts me somewhat.

Corina was out to spend a few days with Josh and they phoned and invited me over for dinner and we looked at a lot of the pictures from Goa. Really looks gorgeous. She brought me a medallion and prayer card from Mother Teresa's house in Calcutta. Very nice to have even though I'm not a catholic, I was and am a fan of Mother Teresa.

My chemo buddy graduated!! He is finished treatment, in remission and gaining strength. I am so happy for him. He is just coming up for his 18th birthday and will probably be graduating this year or next. I hope he never needs the services of chemo angels again! I resigned from the program for now as I have a cousin who has recently been diagnosed with cancer so I think I'll direct my efforts sending him a card every week. Well that's it for me. I'm exhausted, it's been a long week.

Christina

I had a wonderful afternoon with my girl. She is so adorable and sweet. When I got there she rushed to the door and was jumping up and down. Lots of hugs and kisses. :) We went shopping with Uncle Josh and found all the Dora clothes, socks and underware available lol. She loves Dora! New sandals and an Ariel shorts and top for summer too. She's a fun shopper. She'd put her little hand up to her cheek and say "Oh My Gosh Grandma, that is soooo adorable!" Uncle Josh found her a Dora purse to go with all her other stuff. Then off to the pool. She loves swimming but she was not impressed with the wave part of the wave pool. The buzzer would sound to warn that the waves were starting and she'd be up and running for dry land yelling "look out Grandma the tide is coming in!!" They have a separate little area with warmer water and no waves for the little ones so she wanted to go in there. We spent most of our time there. She is very outgoing and will go up to any child and say lets play!

After we'd been in the pool for awhile I happened to look out and noticed it was snowing. After we got out of the pool and dressed Dave phoned me to say it was snowing hard where they live too and they had cancelled their plans for the evening. They live about 40 minutes away so we just picked up Uncle Ryan, went through the drive thru at McDonalds and headed for her house to get her home for her birthday party tomorrow just in case it snowed all night. I got Ryan to come with me as I am a bit of a chicken driving in the snow. At least he was good company for the drive home. We got the baby home safe and sound and only stayed about 20 minutes before heading back.

Al was around this morning cleaning the garage and he came in for a minute to see if I had any garbage for the dump. I didn't have much to say to him and he left fairly quickly. He went in and saw the baby on Thursday and took her a nice new tricycle. She was happy. I'm pretty much exhausted but it made my week to see her happy little face and get those baby kisses and hugs.

Friday

Thanks for the comments and encouragement. I feel like I just come here and whine these days but it's my only outlet as I try to keep on an even keel when I'm around people. My kids don't need to see me upset and with Ryan living here I try to stay as happy and upbeat as possible. As it is he is having a hard time understanding what his dad is up to and it just makes him mad at Al when he sees me upset. Same at work. I can't cry my way through the days so I save it for when I'm alone. The computer and this blog is my place to vent. It must seem to anyone that reads this that all I do is whine and cry but for the most part I am making it through the days and trying to stay as upbeat as possible. I do better when I don't hear from or see Al. Tomorrow he is going to be here but I plan on leaving fairly early to go and get the baby girl so hopefully I won't be around him all that much. Anyway, thanks for all the encouragement and I do appreciate it. :)

Finally........

It's taken me a week to get over Al's last email and the things he's said. I emailed him and asked him to please not give me any more explanations. I am sure he has not set out to be cruel and he is only trying to explain to me why he is doing what he's doing but in the process he has said some very hurtful and hard to forget things. I tried to put them out of my mind but they just pop back over and over and reverberate in my head. I cried my way to work and home all week. (I love James Blunt but he is probably not who I should be listening to right now) But by today I was finally starting to be able to get past it. I will never be able to forget the stuff he's said but I can at least get on with things and try not to let them interfere.

He is coming over on Saturday to clean the garage out so I can go through the stuff of mine that's in there and then he's going to store stuff in there until I move out. I hope he doesn't plan on living here for too long when he does move in. Ryan and I want to stay in our community here and it's not that big a town. I have nightmares about running into him and a woman around town when I'm shopping or at the mall, doctor or library. I am sick about having to leave both my dogs behind and that is just one more thing I keep imagining, running into him and a woman out with my dogs. God this sucks so badly. Ok deep breaths and no more whining.

Today is Christina's 3rd birthday. I called her from work and sang her Happy Birthday and I got half way through before she started yelling Grandma Grandma I'm three years old and how come you are at your house. I said I wasn't at my house I was at work and asked her if she wanted to go out with me on Saturday. She's all excited. I think we may go shopping and then I'm going to take her to the wave pool here in town. They have a nice area for little kids and I can just sit in the water and let her play. Afterwards we are going to go out for dinner with Uncle Josh and Uncle Ryan. She loves her uncles and she will love being the centre of attention and having both uncles there.

Last night I actually managed to sleep until 5 this morning and only woke up two or three times during the night. I was starting to hate 4 am. What the hell does a person do at 4 in the morning? I hated lying there as my mind just went over things and round and round so I would get up and come to the computer. Pogo :) Good gaming site. I am up to $30 in Swap it.

I finally made a doctor's appointment with my family doctor for Tuesday after work and I'll go and get bloodwork done. Feeling kinda crappy and tired but I think that is probably to be expected. My liver is letting me know it's there.

Today's picture at the top is my son and daughter in law and my baby girl on the day she was born.

This last picture is my favorite picture of that day. The love on their faces as they look over at their brand new baby girl is beautiful and makes my heart glad.

Decisions decisions

The days pass and I'm still going up and down but more up than down lately. Plans are being discussed, decisions made. Al came over last Wednesday night to unplug the kitchen sink that had been plugged for 3 weeks. Had tried everything from snakes to literally gallons of drain cleaner and on Monday I had poured 4 cans of lye down there. All that happened was the water trickled down at approximately an inch an hour. I had taken to washing the dishes in a big old pot and was getting used to it actually but then Al and I had to talk because of an insurance screw up and the upshot of the discussion was I told him that I hated this house and was trapped here because of the dogs and all the crap. He had walked away and left it all in my lap and on top of it all the damn sink was plugged so he came over and unplugged the sink and we talked a bit.

Ryan and I are going to look for an apartment for the 1st of April. I can take what I want out of the house and Al is going to move back in temporarily and he'll take care of the rest and find a place for himself and the dogs. It's kind of exciting to be getting my own place. Ryan just found another job yesterday after I got him to quit the one on the other side of the river. He was a very happy guy yesterday. We'll find a place close to where he works so he can get back and forth ok. Ryan is happy to move out of this house too. I'm going to help him buy a computer and then I'll get mine back! Right now this house has 3 bedrooms and one of them is being used as a computer room. When we get moved it will probably be a two bedroom apartment so no computer room. I would rather just move my computer into the bedroom but unless Ryan has one it would exclude him from using it so the best solution is to buy him a computer. I think that is where his first few paycheques will go and then he can start helping me with the expenses and paying off his bills which was why he moved home in the first place.

I'm going to teach him how to use a cashflow spreadsheet. I tried for years to get Al to use one to help see where stuff goes and he just got testy about it so I let it go and let him handle things. Now I'm doing things my way and I love my cashflow spreadsheet. Between it and my internet banking I know to the penny where I am each and every day. Just the way I like it. Got a credit card in my name so I can start to build a credit rating in my own name.

The girls and I are making plans for travel over the next few years with a trip to the Oregon coast planned for next summer as Jude and I have a trade show in Portland we want to go to and we'll take Lynnie along. We'll then go across to the Oregon coast and spend a few days slowing coming up the coast. Jude and I are still doing our island holiday in April or May and I'm going to Quebec with my mom for Christmas next winter. And Greece in 5 years. Jude and Ed, Lynnie, my brother Willy, Jude's friend Barb, maybe my sister Barbie and I. Safety in numbers and many combinations of people to do various things with. We plan on 3 weeks there so it will be a dream holiday.

After Al was here on Wednesday night I emailed him on Thursday morning and asked him if he was sure this was what he wanted. Before I start hunting for apartments I needed to know he was sure about his decisions and was he planning on dating etc because for me if this is what he has in mind then there is no going back. It will be done and finished and I can just move on with no doubts. He got back to me yesterday with a long email but the upshot was yes he was happy with his decisions and yes he was planning on dating. He said he will check into the legalities of a separation so nothing he does will impact on me. So that's it. We are offically done. Hard to believe 28 years can just be over with no discussion and no counselling but if that is what he is wanting then that is what will happen. He is saying now that when we first got together we had the kids to worry about and he always assumed that when the kids were grown that we would then party and have fun. I was never a partier and I always thought we were having fun but I guess for him it was not enough. He wants to drink and go to bars and I don't and can't. Really I don't get much more from him than that. I have given him every opportunity to change his mind, to seek counselling for himself or for both of us and he wants none of it. At least I know I have done everything I can and can move along with no guilt.

Still haven't made a doctor's appointment. I'm a little freaked out about it all. I know I need to seek treatment at some point but I have too much to do as far as getting moved and getting set up in an apartment. I'm going to Quebec next december and don't want to be sick. We have a slow period at work in the hot part of July and August so I may take that time to start and do the ribaviran which would make me finished with it around the beginning of October. That would give me a couple of months to start feeling better before Christmas. It will all work out eventually I know. Just gotta keep doing one day at a time and concentrating on staying as healthy as possible. I haven't forgotten what the doctor said about one year of treatment giving me three years without. Maybe in 4 or 5 years they will have something better to offer us relapsers. I can do this even on my own but the timing needs to be right for it to work.

Next week my baby girl turns three. So hard to believe. The years fly by so quickly now. I guess I will pick her up one day and we'll go shopping and grandma will buy her a new outfit for spring. We can do lunch and maybe go to the park if the weather is nice.

The sun shines

The sun is shining here in BC and it makes such a difference. I came home from work last night and spent an hour and a half tidying up plants and cleaning the porch and getting my porch swing put back up. Trees are starting to bud out. Maybe too early, we could have another cold spell. I brought home a new Rhodo called Bow Belles, a beautiful pink hydrangea called Pink Parfait, a pretty pink fragrant lilac called Fairy Dust and a Winged Burning Bush. Khushwinder got the bridge finished and planted a weeping blue atlas at one end. We are going to train it to run down the one side. The garden up there is really starting to come together.

Al and I have been emailing and Ryan and I have been talking and the plan is now that we will be here in this house for six months with a plan to move into an apartment or townhouse by September 1st. Then Al may move back in here and finish up the few things I can't manage and then give our notice. I'm going to try and keep both dogs unless Al feels he can take Kody. The marriage is over. It was Al that made the move and if he had not I would have stayed in the marriage forever but now that he has made the move and I'm getting used to the idea I am realizing that we had grown apart in many ways. I'm finding that more and more I like being on my own. I can do what I want when I want. I'm lonely some days but that's to be expected.

For the first time in my life I'm on my own with nobody to answer to or be responsible for. Ryan is here but he's an adult and if I don't feel like coming home after work it's no big deal. I'm making plans to do the things I've always wanted to do. I want to travel and go camping and maybe retire someday to the Island. Al's not the bad guy and there is nobody in the wrong here. He just recognized the situation where I did not. I'm happier this week than last. I think it will just get easier from here. I know there will still be bad days but I think I've turned the corner now.

Josh got home from India today and he's looking very well and had a great time. He brought Christina home a little outfit with some braceletts, a necklace, anklet and the little dots in different colours she can wear. She tried it all on and it looked so cute. When he was in Thailand last time he brought her an outfit from there as well. After she had tried on the stuff from today she insisted on putting on her Thailand dress as well. Had to take pictures. She was so cute. This first one she is decked out in her outfit from India and was being told to do a dance so she was shaking her leg.

The second picture is her in the little outfit from Thailand. She has on her anklet.

I know I'm going to have to start treatment again but I have to wait awhile until I get settled into a new place. In the meantime I am just going to carry on and continue to take care of myself as I have been anyway. I'll make a doctor's appointment in the next week or two and go every three months and get my bloodwork done and see how I'm feeling.

Good Days, Bad Days

The days go up and down. I'm good at work and when I'm busy but the rides back and forth from work are difficult. Too much time to think. Some days the other drivers must think i'm insane. I blast the music and sing to the top of my lungs but often with tears rolling down my face. The evenings suck pretty much and sleep is an elusive thing. I have learned to hate 4 AM I got an email from Al last night and while I'm sure he's hurting, it just sounds so glib and uncaring as to what I'm feeling. He's just walked away and left me with everything. A house full of furniture, two dogs that make it almost impossible to find a smaller place with, a yard with sheds full of crap and years of storage that I am going to have to go through and decide what to do with.

Josh gets home from India on Saturday. Dave will pick him up from the airport and I'll go to Dave's and bring him home from there. Thursday night is girls night and it's at Lynnies this week. Have stuff I should be doing for work at home so i'll do alot of that on the weekend and thankfully the Olympics start this weekend so that will help keeping me distracted over the next two weeks.
The picture at the top is of a Crane that showed up in the yard yesterday. This picture is of Judy, Khushwinder and Gary standing on the new bridge Khush built yesterday over the creek that he also built last summer.

In a week or two I'll go and get my counts. See what is happening.