Soul baring

So here is where I find myself. I am going to write it all down because first, it may help me to get it written down and second, if you are reading this, you don't know me so it is safe to do so.

Do I want him back? No
Would I still be in the marriage if he hadn't left? Yes

When Al left I was devastated and taken completely by surprise. We hadn't fought and we weren't mad at each other. He just left. I didn't yell and scream, I wrote emails because he couldn't or wouldn't talk to me so I wrote emails. I tried to be supportive and understanding of what he said he was going through. I had brief flareups of anger but for the most part I kept it hidden from him.

Then I found the email that asked for a room for two with a large jacuzzi tub etc and immediately phoned him. I asked him if he was with the lady he had been driving back and forth to work. He said yes. For weeks everyone had been telling me he must be having an affair. The kids, my mom, all my friends and finally the family doctor when I talked to him and explained why I wasn't going ahead with the treatment plan. I kept saying No he says he isn't and I believe him. He wouldn't do that. He is depressed and on and on. So when he said yes he was with Denise I felt so betrayed and hurt not only because he was having an affair but also because he let me believe for so long that he was depressed and working towards getting it together etc.

At that point all I wanted was to try and find an apartment and get away from the house. I was so torn because of the dogs. I knew I couldn't take them both with me but I was hoping I could at least find a place that would let me keep Keesha. The apartment I found that took animals did not take dogs her size. So I had to leave the animals behind and that also broke my heart. Keesha was my baby girl and she was 11 years old and I wasn't sure what Al would do about them. As it turned out he moved back into the house and is keeping both of the dogs.

After I got moved I emailed him and said before I move on with things I need to know that this is what you want. I need to know I've done everything I can to fix things. I also told him I would not spend the rest of my life alone and I wanted him to really thing about how he will feel if and when I do move on. He emailed me back and said yes this is what he wants and that he wanted to get together so we could talk and I could see the dogs etc. So we decided to meet on a Saturday morning and go for a walk. We did and he again reiterated that he needed to be alone and that he was alone. I asked him what about Denise? He said they had never been together other than friends. I said then why did you tell me you were with her? He said because I was yelling at him. I asked him about the hotel room etc and he said that a friend of theirs from work named Donna had moved to the island a year ago (which I did know about) and she was getting married and the gang at work had got together and purchased them a hotel room for a week as a wedding present. Do I believe that and him? At this point I just don't know. Anyway the upshot of the walk was we would get together and walk the dogs and see what transpired.

We did that for a few weeks but it was very obvious to me that he was only doing it to appease me and that he really couldn't wait till the walk was over so he could get away. We chatted but for him it was all surface stuff. I would tell him what was going on with me and the kids and work etc and he would comment but offer nothing of his own. Not what he was doing or where he was going or anything. When pushed he would say he has a list of things he needs/wants to do and he was working on it.

After one of the walks I went home and stewed about the whole thing with Denise. I thought about the phone call I made to him and I hadn't yelled at him until after he told me he was now with Denise. I wanted to talk to him about it and as it happened he phoned and asked if he could borrow a disk I had so I said sure I'll bring it up to the house and I did. He was having a drink (every time I see him at the house he has been drinking either beer or hard liquor) I said I needed to talk and to clarify a few things. I asked him again about Denise. I said you were either lieing to me then or you are lieing to me now. He said there was no affair. So then I asked him why he would do that to me then. He knew how much it hurt me either way. Either because he was having an affair or because he had so little regard for my feelings and didn't care if he was hurting me. He said "I don't know. Maybe I was trying to make you mad at me and hate me." He said he is the bad guy in all of this. I wasn't mad and maybe he needed me to be mad. I said but didn't you give any thought to how much it hurt me for you to do this to me? I told him about everyone saying he must be having an affair and that I had someone tell me about the rumors that were flying around about him and Denise and still I said No No he wouldn't lie to me about it. He said "Yes, Denise and I were aware of the rumors and found them amusing" I just said "I didn't find them amusing" and he stopped grinning and said No but I didn't know you were aware of the rumors or I would have put a stop to the game we were playing. At that point I just went home.

I emailed him a few days later and said after talking to him and what he said about the non affair and he and Denise finding it amusing that I realized all over again that he is done and wants nothing more to do with me. He said he wants to remain friends and be the guy that I can come to for help with broken things or to get silly emails from. He wants to be able to tell me what's happening in his life and all that other stuff. So I have not emailed him and haven't called him and waited to see if he was going to contact me first. He hasn't. I get second hand info from the kids but really hear nothing from him. So again he's lied and given me nothing but lip service. Anything to appease.

So I find myself alone and sad lots of days. I don't want him back but it still hurts terribly that he would treat me the way he did. After 28 years of marriage all we had ever said we wanted was to be able to afford a place of our own and 3 days before he left we were in the process of buying a place. So I had to mourn that loss.

The whole deal with treatment and everything that the doctor said to us. Al was there and heard what I heard. Every year of treatment buys me three years. The disease is progressive. The doctor wanted me in treatment now. He said I don't want to see you in ten years in end stage liver disease when you could be doing treatment now. Al heard all that and two weeks before treatment was to start he left. So again another thing I had to deal with. Not only the lack of treatment but the lack of caring or concern on his part.

The loss of my family and my dogs was another stage of the pain that I had to work through. I miss us being together as a family with the kids coming to the house whenever. The loss of a companion as well. That best friend aspect that he was for me. I told him everything. All the little things of the day you save up to tell when you get home. I miss all that. I always thought in terms of us as little old people together. Me and my best friend. That is probably what I miss the most. I go places like shopping or the mall or park and I see old people or older couples walking and talking and I think what was so bad that he had to walk away from it like that. What did I do or not do that made this happen and then I think don't be stupid. I am not taking all the blame and I have no idea what is running through his head but the fact remains that these various strangers have managed to stay together and Al felt he couldn't stand to stay married to me for the rest of his life so...........why? He can't seem to tell me other than he feels something is missing and needs to figure out what it is.

So finally I have accepted that my marriage is over and we are done. It is painful. I look ahead and I can't see myself with anyone else. What I said to him about not spending the rest of my life alone was more to make him think about it and see if it bothered him at all that I may some day sleep with some other person and it obviously doesn't bother him. I guess what I still can't get past is how little he cared at the end to treat me the way he did with no apparent concern at all. I literally went from feeling loved and wanted and secure one day to totally unloved and abandoned the next. It was just so shocking and cold.

I have learned to control my thoughts and not think about it when I am at work or around family or friends. I stay busy busy busy. But sometimes the fear of the future and the fear of the disease gets to me and I have to shut myself away and have a cry. I have to trust that this too will pass. Somehow I will manage to do treatment, work and keep my life together. I know I have to get through all the crap and tears before I can be open to any new experiences that come my way and I try. It's hard. Everyone looks at me and thinks how strong I am and how well I am doing and how good I look. But inside I am afraid and hurt and now insecure. I have my puppy and kitten and they help keep my days full. They make me laugh. My baby girl Lacey is my little shadow and Nemo is a lovey boy that purrs and snuggles so I hold on to them and push the rest away as much as I can.