Hep C Journal

Round 2 done

2011-07-08T09:31:00.000-07:00

Round two done and I am home and feeling crappy. Had a restless night and threw up a couple of times during the night but today I am up. He banded 3 more and the note said to repeat in 3 or 4 months. I have to see him again in 6 weeks so I'll hear about that then.

Banding again

2011-07-07T11:11:00.000-07:00

Well today is the day. Banding round 2. I have an appointment at noon at the hospital so should be out in a few hours and home again. Then I should be good for at least 6 weeks until I have to go back and get his results and whether or not we need to do it again.

I just got back from 3 weeks in the Okanagan and I had a wonderful time. I stayed with friends that I have known since our oldest boys were babies together. We have been through all of the kids and grandkids and ups and downs of each others lives ever since. Actually they are now family really. My middle son came up and spent a few days too and their kids and grandkids were out and we had a really nice time.

We went camping for a weekend in the motorhome up to Seymour Arm in the Shuswap. It was a cloudy weekend so not many people about. We loved it and the dogs had a great time. They have a little dog like my Lacey so they had each other to spend time with and go for walks with each day we were gone. They live on 5 wooded acres with trails so the dogs and I walked each day.

When I first got up there Sacha (their dog) was not wanting to leave her pillow and go for walks with us. So I made her come and packed her part of the way then put her down and she headed straight for home without giving me a backwards glance. So the next day I carried her to the farthest point of our walk and then put her down and again she headed straight for home but this time she at least looked back at me as she disappeared down the trail. By the end she was ready for the walks. She'd get up and stretch and then head for the door with Lacey. I still had to carry her to the farthest point but when I put her down she would stay with us and walk back with us. Victory!! Sweet little thing she is.

Banding Follow up

2011-05-17T19:12:00.000-07:00

Thursday May 26th UPDATE: I heard from disability and they have approved it. It does not give me enough to live on though so now I pretty much have to wait until they start sending the cheques and then go and see a worker and see where this puts me. One move step done, one day at a time.

E. A.

I went today to see the doctor who did the banding. He is very nice and said that the varices were large. Something about the machine holding 7 bands and he did three of the varices with 2 each and then the 4th one he did a single band. He says I have to have it done again. I asked how often and he said until they are all gone. I asked if they would ever be all gone and he said yes, we are going to obliterate them! So I have to go for another endoscopy on the 7th of July.

I'm still waiting to hear on the federal disability. The provincial one turned me down as I don't need a "device" (wheel chair, walker etc) or an aid to help me through the day. They are the ones that made me apply for the provincial one and I didn't want to because I didn't think I fit the criteria and I guess I don't.

Other than that not too much new. Just waiting, waiting and more waiting.

Busy month

2011-05-05T13:58:00.000-07:00

This is what the weather was doing on the 14th of April!! But since then we've had a couple of warm sunny days and Spring might actually be thinking of arriving!! Yay!

It's been a busy month. I took me a couple of weeks to get used to the antiD's and the drowsiness they caused. I am feeling on a much more even keel. I saw the doctor a couple of weeks ago and he put me on a low dose of beta blocker until I see the gastro guy again and see what he has to say.

I stayed up as late as I could for the Royal Wedding and then taped 8 hours of it. It was wonderful and they looked so good together. I've always loved Will and Harry and remember clearly when they were born. Both so cute. Both grown into such nice men it seems. Kate is gorgeous! The hats though....I had never heard of fascinators but that hat that Fergies daughter was wearing was quite the thing!

Then came our Federal Election. Lots of negative ads. Lots of crap flying around. It changed our political landscape though and for the good and far as I am concerned. The bloc was decimated. The liberals took a really hard hit as well. Both of those leaders resigned. The bloc was dedicated to separating Quebec from the rest of Canada so yay glad they are gone!! The NDP were the big winners with all the seats they took and they will now be our official opposition. And finally from BC we elected the first Green Party leader in North America! Elizabeth May is now an MP! The Conservative Party will have a majority governmement for the next 4 years. I was hoping for a minority government to help keep the conservatives in check but ..........we'll see how this goes.

Then bin Laden was killed. Can't say I"m sorry to see that. If it brought any closure at all to the families of 9/11 then it was a good thing. I really don't think this will stop terrorism but at least they know they will be tracked down eventually and have to deal with the consequences.

My little pudgeball of a grandson is getting so big so fast! He laughs and smiles now and has found his hands. He works really hard on getting them in focus and then getting them into his mouth. I think he really wants to suck his fingers lol. When he gets them close enough he spits out his soother and gets the knuckles in there. Sweet boy. He is 97 days old today.

Friday afternoon

2011-04-08T16:40:00.000-07:00

Well. I thought I had it all together and headed off for my doctor appointment. I was fine and got called in. I went because one of my diuretics was going to run out over the weekend and I needed to go. So I asked about going back to Vancouver to see the Dr. there and he said really right now there is no point.

My doctor there is all about the drug trials or when you get to the transplant stage. The last discussion was that I should have regular endoscopy's and try and maintain for 5 years till the next wave of drugs come along. I am pretty sure he isn't thinking about the protease inhibitors because I had already tried the Vertex drug in the trial. So he wants me to keep seeing the fellow that did the endoscopy as he is a gastro guy.

At that point I burst into tears. I have nothing at all against this gastro fellow and I have no idea why I burst into tears like that. I just can't seem to control it right now if anything at all goes not the way I expect it to I cry, but of course this was the correct place to do it. After a chit chat and him refilling all my prescriptions he took me to another spot and had me fill out the depression test sheet and of course I am depressed. Really at this point why wouldn't I be lol. Oh lord, anyway I am now on Citalpram and I started taking them today. The pharmacist said it will take a few weeks before they kick in and it will probably cause nausea (lol of course it will!!) but she swears this will go away in a couple of weeks. So hopefully I can get this all under control again. As for the rest of my pills I am to just keep on and hopefully I will maintain.

Friday

2011-04-08T08:57:00.001-07:00

I'm off to the doctor for a pill refill and to ask to be sent back to the specialist to see where I am at. It took me most of a week to get back together again from the endoscopy. I always recover from the physical part of these things before the emotional and dealing with the findings. That takes me longer and I have a tendency to hibernate because I get so weepy and it's not something I can control and I hate that. I'm still a bit weepy but much more able to deal today.

On Tuesday I took Lacey out for a quick walk around the neighbourhood and we got attacked by a big german shepard size dog that was chained up to someone's front steps. It started lunging and barking as we were walking along the street on the opposite side of the road. As we got adjacent to it the dog broke the chain and came charging at us. Lacey is only 13 lbs and she pretty much freaked and was looking to get away. I turned my back on the dog and stepped between her and Lacey and scooped Lacey up in my arms and just kept turning away from the big dog. The owner was screaming and trying to get the dog and I just kept turning away and then walked away from them when she grabbed the dog momentarily. I got about 5 steps away and burst into tears and cried the rest of the way home. I can't deal with little things or big things. I was supposed to be going to a friends for dinner and I just couldn't. That was the end of my day and I went back into hibernation. Doc appointment time - be back later.

Endoscopy

2011-04-02T05:31:00.000-07:00

I had my endoscopy on Thursday. I had one 14 months ago and I had slight varices so I wasn't sure how much that had changed. I got to the hospital and checked in with General Daycare. They sent me to a waiting room and about 5 minutes later a nurse arrived to collect me and another fellow. We followed her to our respective beds and I was given a gown and told to change and get on the stretcher. A nice lady brought me a warmed blanket and then they took the normal blood pressure etc. and asked a ton of questions regarding prior history. Warm blanket nurse came and started my IV. Then it was my turn. They wheeled me into the room - brand new state of the art - huge computer monitors everywhere and lots of long armed equiment. So they sat me up first and sprayed the gag reflex numbing stuff into my throat. I am such a bad gagger! The nurse is saying swallow that and I'm gagging and trying to spit it out! But we got through that and they make you lay on your left side and then she tried to put in the mouth guard which started the gagging again. They gave me a bit of the anesthetic and then no problems. Once the mouth guard was in I was gone and don't remember anything until they were waking me up back in my curtained cubicle. I think the first thing I asked was did he band any and she said yes four or five. When I was awake enough they started telling me I could get dressed and they would call my ride home. Then I threw up. Not pleasant. They gave me all my instructions on a piece of paper and I held my paper plate to be sick in again if need be and I was going to go to the waiting room downstairs and as I staggered by the nabbed me and made me sit in a chair and wait till Lynnie arrived. Once she got there I started to get up to go and staggered around some more so they sent her off to get a wheel chair to get me to the car. We got home and from the car to the apartment door and as we stuggled to get a key in I threw up again. Made it in and basically waved goodbye, said thank you very much and went and laid down. I was on fluids only for Thursday and soft foods for yesterday. It was very sore all day yesterday and I didn't manage to eat much. Spent most of the day watching tv and resting. Today it is 4:00am and I am wide awake. I'm trying to drink a cup of tea but am feeling queasy. I go back to see him in six weeks. This morning I am realizing how much damage has been done in the last year. From slight varices to having to band them seems quick to me. So along with the varices and the acites I would say we are getting closer to the end of my liver.

Friday

2011-03-18T20:38:00.000-07:00

Long week it seems like. I haven´t been feeling all that well this week. I´m not sure why. As usual when I don´t feel well these days I immediately think it is something to do with my liver but really I have no idea. Just lots of nausea. Sort of sick and shaky feeling for most of the week.

But I had a busy 3 or 4 days which always does me in plus when i was at the hospital last week the fellow that saw me was sick with the flu. He kept apologizing. I asked him if he had his flu shot this year and he said no he never got around to it!! Working in a hospital with sick people and he didn´t get his shot............

The weather is warming up somewhat so I´ve taken Miss Lacey out walking a couple of times this week. I can´t wait for full blown spring to hit. My spanish is going ok. It gives me something to work at. It´s at my own speed so that works.

I´m hoping when this is all done that I can afford to finally get moved into my own place. That is what is keeping me moving forwards these days. As much as my son has been very good about sharing his place it was always meant to be temporary while i got my money situation sorted out. I just have to wait till this all gets settled and then I´ll know where I´m at. Most of my stuff is in tubs and stashed either at my mom´s or at a friends house. So many times I have gone to get something only to realize it´s in a tub at mom´s (an hour and a half away). I want my own dishes. I want space whre I can lay out my crafts and leave them for a few days if I feel like it. Just a place for me and the cat and dog. I was thinking about it the other day. In all my life I have only ever lived by myself for a total of about 6 months when I was about 18.

Ahh well. Soon.

Where is the sunshine??

2011-03-15T10:09:00.000-07:00

Here we are at the middle of March and it still feels like winter most of the time around here. It is warmer today but the rain wants to fall still. I've spent the last few days watching the horror in Japan unfold and I should not in any way be complaining about our weather. I hope they get some warmth there too. So many people without homes and the weather is still so cold there too.

I went to the hospital in Vancouver last Thursday and saw one of the study doctors. My regular study guy was out sick and I had a new fellow. He didn't have the ultra sound results from November in the file with him. He didn't know about the ascites either so got all the info from me and said they would call my family doctor and get them to send a copy of the ultra sound. I told him the request for the ultra sound came from them not from my doctor. He was confused as my guy wasn't there and this wasn't his gig but he was very nice and sent me off for blood work and then followed me downstairs as he had forgotten to get me to sign stuff and asked me to come back up after the blood.

We had a chat then and he said he thought I should be seeing the specialist (Dr. E) there more often that I am. It seems like that when Dr. E saw me last time and told me there were no drug trials and no new drugs right now and so there was nothing they could do for me at that time that my doctor (Dr. C) at that point stopped forwarding on any test results etc. The fellow on Thursday said I should be coming in at least every 6 months to see the specialist etc. so to follow up with my doctor (Dr. C) and ask to go back to the specialist (Dr. E) and in the mean time Thursday's doc would let him (Dr. E) and the other drug follow up doc know what was going on. Ok well that sounds totally confusing but there ya go. That's how it happened and that's what he said.

I have heard from Disability to say they have received my application and so far it has been accepted and now it goes to the medical team to decide if I fit the criteria. That could take another 60 days. I have also had to apply for social assistance which I totally dreaded and felt horrible about having to do. As it turns out it is mostly done online. You then get a phone call and an interview on the phone. She then tells you what documents you need to have to show them and gives you five days to get into the office and give to girl who photocopies it all and gives it back. Then you go home and within a few days they call and let you know if you have been deemed eligible. I did what was asked and was deemed eligible. Then they called and wanted me to fill out a disability form for the province as well. If I am deemed eligible for everything it will give me just barely enough to live but I'll have to give up my car. I am not stressing yet and still trying to take all this one day at a time.

My grandson is a gorgeous little bundle of snuggles. He has chubby kissable cheeks and they get kissed lots. I get to see him a couple of times a week and am loving it. Taking tons of pictures. I'll include one or two before I close off.

I'm tired and all of this worry and trying to keep paperwork together and separate for different claims or offices is tiring. The diuretics are still working and that makes me happy. I have a hard time now keeping weight on and am eating several small meals or snacks a day. Lots of fresh veggies and fruit too. Grapes were on sale this week along with California strawberries and oranges so I have stocked up on all three. I've been making lots of homemade soup and it works out well for me. I can throw it all in a pot and snack at it for a day or two and then freeze what is left for a soup dinner one night. No fast food and I am trying to stay away from all processed foods. Cereal in the mornings to take my pills. Brain power is cloudy on some days and some days are better. I worry some days that I am losing it. I have started taking a Spanish beginners course and am enjoying that although the concentration is iffy some days.

Well that's me somewhat up to date. Pray for the people of Japan.

Maintaining

2011-02-21T12:52:00.000-08:00

Isn't that a glorious word!! It is to me today. I am down to one a day of both of the diuretics and it is holding. No weight gain and my kidneys are much happier :)

According to my doctor as long as we can maintain then all is good for now. My counts aren't great but not horrendous either. The only one I worry about these days is my platelets and that is for drug trials and it is at 85 still. So all good for now.

I phoned a couple of weeks ago to the health unit here to see if they have a dietician on site and they don't. They gave me a number and the nurse told me that with my cirrhosis I can access the dietician at the hospital for free, I just need a referal from my doctor. I got that today as well. They fax through the paperwork and then the hospital calls and sets up the appointment. We have that big, beautiful hospital a few blocks away so I'll be going there.

Outside there are big snowflakes drifting down. They don't seem to be sticking but they look pretty going by. We've had some weird weather around here lately. Sunshine but cold, warm but raining. Usually by this time of the month we are edging on towards Spring and already we have bulbs coming up. But on the other hand we've had some of our big snowstorms in February too. The garden stores are starting to bring in the primula's. My friend Lynnie bought me a pretty yellow one and I brought it home and put it on the desk for a minute. I came back and Nemo was eating it as fast as he could. NO plants are safe in our house. Buying a plant or flowers and then having to keep them up on the highest surface sort of takes away from having them in the house!

My brand new baby grandson is doing great! Gaining weight and sleeping well. I can't wait for the warmer weather when we can get out and walk more. He'll love the park and the stroller I'm sure.

All in all things are looking brighter. Haven't heard from disability yet................ One day at a time. :)

Endoscopy

2011-02-05T11:18:00.001-08:00

I saw the doctor on Friday and have an appointment for the endoscopy for the 31st of March. He cut the diuretics back more and hopefully it will be enough to maintain a balance. He seemed quite nice and I liked him and he is at the Abbotsford Hospital which will be much nicer.

Counts

2011-02-02T12:15:00.000-08:00

December 24, 2009

ALT 120
AST 89
Platelets 85

April 30, 2010

ALT 122
AST 107
Platelets 79

December 14, 2010

Platelets 109

January 14, 2011

Platelets 85

So, where are we at?

2011-02-01T15:33:00.000-08:00

Well, where to start.....

I guess I'll start in June. No treatment for me, nothing available so need to maintain is basically what doctor told me. I was contacted by the hospital in Vancouver about the last drug trial I started and couldn't finish. They wanted me to be part of the follow-up from the drug trial. So for 3 years they want to see me every six months to do bloodwork and ultra sounds. They are following progression of the disease as well as checking to see if the virus has mutated. They are also keeping me in mind if any further trials become available that I could fit into.

I started struggling more as the summer wound down and was really unable to go for very long without a rest to recoup and then I could go again. I was very worried about job hunting and my memory and cognative abilities. I was getting very forgetful, losing words in mid conversation so you sit there with a total blank in your head, couldn't concentrate on things, I was easily distracted and had a really hard time staying on task. I am a bookkeeper and payroll person. That requires concentration and being forgetful just doesn't cut it.

I also knew I was not capable of working at a physical type job or even one that required standing for long periods like a cashier. The worry was setting in and I was getting more and more stressed. At Christmas 2009, Mom and I had talked about another cruise in the future and she called and wanted to take us both on a cruise from Vancouver to LA as the ship made it's transition from the Alaska run to other runs. It was a one way cruise and then fly home to Vancouver. I started trying to lose weight for the trip as my stomach seemed to be pretty fat. Nothing worked and I just kept getting bigger.

We went on the cruise in September and as much as I enjoyed it I was exhausted by the time I got home and it took me a week to recoup. We had been on a cruise two years earlier to Alaska and I could really tell the difference in my energy level. I had to go for the hospital ultra sound and it took a few months to get in for the appointment out here in the valley. By then my stomach was huge and I was not feeling great. I went to my family doctor and he said my abdomen was full of fluid and he wanted to send me off to the hospital and have it drained. That pretty much freaked me out and I was not a happy camper. I asked if we could try diuretics first.

He agreed to let me try the diuretics for one week and see if it was helping. He gave me a prescription for 2 different ones. Aldactone 100 mg 3 times a day and Teva-Furosemide 40 mg once a day. He weighed me and I was 152 lbs. He gave me an appointment for the following Friday. After taking the drugs all weekend I was down to 137 lbs so I had lost 15 lbs (Doc said that was equal to about a gallon and a half of fluid). When I saw the doctor he said I could stay on the diuretics as long as they worked and there weren't other side affects from them He said I could cut back on the one I take 3 times a day if I felt crappy. So I did and was taking two a day along with the other one. The last bloodwork is now showing that my kidneys are struggling from the diuretics and the extra work they are being forced to do. Also my platelets are falling again. They are back down to 85 now. So for now he has me cut down to one of each of the diuretics a day and I go back in two weeks to get the bloodwork checked again. In March I head back to the drug trial people for the next 6 month appointment.

I am tired and don't really recoup anymore if I do too much. I battle nausea most days. I am trying to not eat anything pre-packaged or any fast food and am being very careful of salt content when I shop. I've been making homemade soups and using fresh veggies as much as I can. I'm still losing weight gradually. Down to between 130 to 133 most days but have seen 129 and that scared me into eating all day off and on.

My EI has run out and I applied for early CPP which we can do in Canada at 60. It is a miniscule amount but I am hoping combined with other sources it will help. I have also applied for Disability from the Federal Government. I am going to have to go to Social Services and see where I'm at with this all and when I get the final amount of what I am going to have to live on each month I will have a better idea of where I stand.

So that pretty much brings this up to date on the important stuff. Life still goes on and I have my family and some very good friends that I love like family. I have a brand new 4 day old grandson who is absolutely precious. I made my peace with Al quite some time ago and we touch base about the kids frequently. I have my dog and my kitty who brighten my days so much. I am still hoping to get this all under control and just maintain. I am going to see if I can see a dietician at the hospital or health unit and get some advice on diet. Lacey (my little dog) and I are waiting for some warmer weather so we can get back to our daily walks.

I'll try and be a better blogger and start using this blog more often. I am going to try and gather all my counts and numbers and might just post them here so they are quick to find in future when I am comparing.

New Day

2010-06-08T08:21:00.000-07:00

Well today is a much brighter day for me. Now that I don't have to worry about treatment etc I can just get on with things. I need to find a job for starters. I am signed up for a week long cruise in the fall so any job I get will have to be aware of that and agree or I won't be working there.

One thing that came up yesterday was that my spleen is quite enlarged at 17cm he said. I don't know what the norm is so not sure how big that is but nothing I can do about that anyway.

Last blood work taken about two weeks ago:

ALT - 122
AST - 107
Platelets - 79

Back to the doc

2010-06-07T09:28:00.000-07:00

June 7, 2010 - Appointment today withe the HepC doc. I need to find out if my low platelet count has taken away any chance of treatment. If it has then I need to know what next? If not, then I need to remind him I am still here and see if any drug trials are coming up any time soon.

I hate going there and it stresses me out for days before hand. Being alone with this is a lot harder than having a partner to share it with. I have family and friends and they are concerned and helpful but it's not the same as having a partner that loves you and stresses along with you. Besides who wants to go and get a bad report from the doc and not have anyone to lean on. It sucks. :) and I'm being a big baby. :(

My platelets had fallen to 68 and then last blood work that was done they were back up to 79. Supposedly the cutoff for treatment is 90 so that is a concern. If I am not able to do treatment then what? I guess I wait till I get bad enough for a transplant.

Update:

I saw the doctor and as I suspected the low platelet count pushes me out of any drug trials. He said it didn't mean I couldn't have treatment just that I couldn't do drug trials but also for me right now there is no treatment. He said if he did have a treatment my platelet count wouldn't stop me being treated. So all I can do is live as healthy as possible and hang in there. He said treatment is probably about 5 years away. I asked if I would still be here in 5 years when treatment was available he said that was the plan! Maintain and eat right, exercise, don't drink which I don't anyway so no hardship there.

All my other counts were ok. My glucose and thyroid are both good. My lft's are elevated but not excessively so. In a way it was a relief to not have to worry about treatment right now. I felt torn and stressed about it all but now I can just relax, do what I can do and hope to hang in there for now.

Holy Cow!!

2009-10-29T09:04:00.000-07:00

OK it is obviously time I get back to blogging. I didn't realize all these months had gone by. I'll get it together this weekend and get a post done!

Long time no blog............

2008-12-30T07:25:00.000-08:00

Wow it's been a long time since I blogged. I guess I just needed a break. So hmm well I guess I should talk about the cruise. It was fabulous and we enjoyed it immensely but I will say that we learned some things being a first cruise and if we ever do a cruise again there are a few things that we would do differently.

For starters we booked an inside room with the reasoning of how much time do you spend in your room anyway. It's mainly just for sleeping. Well once you get into your room, with no lights on you are in the pitch black and have no idea as to time or anything. So next time I would get an outside room and a balcony. The scenery was gorgeous of course and the weather for Alaska was considered good as it wasn't raining for the most part but let me tell you it was bloody cold. We did have a great time and I'll post some pictures soon to add to this post.

Then in August my brother and neice came out from Quebec and stayed for two weeks. That was a good to see them and good for Gabrielle to make the trip out now that she's older. She and Steve had a really good time and are going to try and make it back this year too. I don't know if Steve would ever move back to BC but as Gabrielle gets older (she's 13 now) and she loves it out here, she may decide to do University out here and if she did I am pretty sure Steve would come home to live.

The girls and I took a weekend away this fall and went just an hour up the highway to a little town called Hope. It is surrounded by mountains and beside the Fraser River and is a pretty little place. We found a motel along the highway and went in and asked the guy what he had and would he take our little dogs too and he took us and showed us this cabin with two bedrooms, three bathrooms, a full kitchen and dining room and living room plus a front door and back door that led to our own little driveway and the crowning glory was a woodburning fireplace. All for the grand price of $119.00 including the two dogs and unlimited wood for the fireplace. We had a blast! We went and walked the Othello Tunnels and took a ton of pictures. We are planning on staying there again for a few more days and doing a bit more of the touristy thing.

Work has been busy and when last I left you, the office was being moved while I was on holidays. Well they did manage to break my computer so I came back to a new office and a brand new computer. Then due to "unexpected circumstances" I had to spend three months driving my boss around and so was very very busy at work but that has ended now and I am now back to a more slowed down work week.

I went in November and got my flu shot and my doc was not happy with me because I haven't been in for a year for bloodwork and counts and I told him I would come in and get it done. I haven't yet but will in the New Year. I've not been feeling great the last few weeks but I have not been eating properly and eating lots of junk food which is never good. So I guess that is my New Years resolution, to eat better and take better care of myself.

I am off work until the 5th so have been enjoying that alot. On Sunday night my Mom took us (my brother and his wife, me, my 3 sons and two of their girlfriends) all to the River Rock for dinner as her Christmas gift to us all. It was fun, food was good and we all went down to the casino and gambled for a few hours before heading home. In our group Mom was up $90, one son was up $100 and the other up just under a $100 the rest of us spent $20 0r $30 and we were all happy when we left. Then yesterday my youngest son got a call from them and he had won a thousand dollars in the daily draw contest thingy they have going right now. So he was very happy.

I have been reading alot because I found a good series I hadn't read yet. Diana Gabaldon's Outlander series has been keeping me very interested. I am on book 4 right now and have the other two books lined up just waiting to be read. I've also been sewing again. Lynnie taught us how to quilt so I am making a quilt as well as a few new doggie jackets. My easel is set up at the window and I am going to be using it as well. I got a bike this summer and Lynnie and I have been riding the dikes around the valley. I even have a system rigged up for Lacey so she can come with us. I have a light backpack that I can put on backwards (so in the front) and I put Lacey in there when we come to roads or whatever and then when danger is passed I can take her out and let her run along with us. It worked not too badly but a real doggie carrier was $30 and I refuse to pay that. Then I was in WalMart just before Christmas and found a doggy carrier that will work perfect. So when the weather warms up and the snow goes away we'll give it a try.

We (the girls, Jude and Lynne) are going to be going to the island this spring to stay in Uklulet for a long weekend and my son and his girlfriend and granddaughter have plans for camping on Long Beach this summer. The girls and I are planning our next trip for April of 2010 after the Olympics are over and it will be someplace warm. Right now we are sort of thinking about Costa Rica because Jude has a sister in law that is from there with lots of family to give us hints on where to go and what to see etc. Well that's all I can think of at the moment.

I'm Cruising!!

2008-07-13T08:04:00.000-07:00

Well I have been waxed, shaved, dyed, plucked, and cut (hair) and I'm all set to head off on my cruise. The bags are packed, the animals all taken care of and I'm sitting here now waiting to leave to go and pick up Lynnie. We head in and get Jude and her husband is driving us to the cruise ship. My brother is picking up my Mom and we'll meet there.

The guys will be moving the office while I am away so I'll be coming back to a brand new never been used office and desk. New phone systems will be in place. So all is good there.

Back in April when we went and paid off the cruise I took $300 american out of the bank and put it someplace safe for the trip. Well on Friday I went to get the money and I couldn't find it. I've searched every place I could think of and no money. On Saturday I went to the bank and got another $300 american out and I am sure I will find the other money safely tucked away someplace probably round about Christmas but oh well! It will be a nice surprise when I do find it. :)

Spring! Finally…

2008-04-14T13:48:00.000-07:00

The sun shone beautifully on Saturday and we got up to 24C out here in the valley. I was wonderful!! That is our first nice sunny warm day and man it seemed like every person that owned a motor bike was out riding it. People were everywhere; walking, biking, working on their yards.

I got my eye test done and got to the glasses place and was out of there as fast as possible so I could get out into the sun. I went home and grabbed Lacey and headed down to my friends place and washed the truck and let Lacey play in the sunshine. Then we headed off and went for a walk along the dike. It was great!

Sunday we were back to normal with cloudy weather all day. I did the inside housework in fits and starts. I am finding I am tired a lot again. Work is all I manage to get done during the week with a walk thrown in for Lacey a couple of evenings if the weather is nice. I save all the housework for the weekends and then I do it in bits with lots of rests in between. That sucks. I would like to just power through and get it all done and then enjoy the rest of the weekend but if I really push myself and get it all done then I am too tired to do anything else anyway.

Also I have a rash. It is kind of worrying. It is spreading right up my back and around the sides of my stomach and breasts. It is a somewhat like the rash I got while on treatment especially the part right up my spine which is where it started both times. I don’t think rashes are normally found with HepC without treatment but I don’t know what else it could be. I haven’t done anything like change detergents or anything like that. Very annoying.

It is down to 13 weeks till we leave on our cruise. This hasn’t been clear sailing so far. My mom almost baled out on us as she was feeling old and tired and really didn’t think she was up to a cruise. We talked her into waiting till Spring and some sunshine before she decided and she has now agreed that it will be fun. Then one of my two friends has not told her husband yet that we are going. I’m not sure why but she keeps saying he won’t care but she just hasn’t found the right time yet to tell him.

The third friend, she just found out last week that her husband has a large tumor in his bowel. We offered to just give up our deposits and cancel so she doesn’t have to be stressed and worried about it all but she is not having any of that! She says if he is very sick when cruise time rolls around then she will just give up her fee and stay home but she does not want to cancel. She feels he will get in fairly quickly for the surgery and then if there is chemo or radiation after then she’ll play it by ear. They are both feeling very optimistic as two of his sisters have already gone through this and come out of it fine so they feel he can beat this too. But all in all it is worrying for them and for all of us that care about them. We’ll do what we have to do and go from there.

I am so ready for Spring!! I want to shave my legs, paint my toe nails and wear Capri pants to work with a toe ring and an anklet. No more winter sweatshirts and hoodies and fleece!!

Day light savings

2008-03-04T12:09:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Well here we are into March already. I just realized that Day Light Savings is next weekend too! Wow and then this year Good Friday and Easter are the weekend of the 21st of March so a nice long weekend. I am really looking forward to that.

End of February is the end of our fiscal year at work so I have been busy with that along with the regular stuff. The guys have bought a new office and shop space. Up until now they have been leasing a place but decided to buy into a new industrial park so we have a brand new space. The shop area is cement walls and cement floor so other than a work bench etc it is fine but the front office area is just framed in so the guys are having to build the office space. It will be great when it’s done. Big windows, air conditioning, a brand new clean bathroom, a new desk and office furniture. Can’t wait!!

Saturday was my son’s 36th birthday. Thirty-six!! Wow, hard to believe. He is the oldest and father of my granddaughter. The next or middle son will be 35 in November and the youngest just turned 29.

19 weeks left till we go on our cruise. Time is just flying along. My mom is having second thoughts about going now too. She’s paid her deposit but she is not feeling great and says she is tired and just doesn’t feel like going. I am of two minds. I think she’ll feel better when the weather gets nicer and she may get some energy and feel like going and I would love her to come but if she really doesn’t feel like going I don’t want to force her to go or make her feel guilty for not wanting to go. If she does back out we have the option of filling her spot with another friend if she leaves us enough time to do that or the rest of us (myself and two girlfriends) can just split her portion between us and pay for it and only have 3 of us in the quad room which might be nice as it will give us more space. As it stands we need to pay the final amounts by the end of April so if she decides by the end of March then it still gives us time to fill her spot and gives the other girl time to make arrangements. So either way the three of us are going, it’s just whether or not it will include Mom, another friend or just the 3 of us.

I’ve been feeling pretty good the last week or two. I got a really bad case of the flu that lasted almost 3 weeks. Felt really cruddy but the silver lining (and there is always a silver lining) is that I lost 8 or 9 pounds while I was sick and now I’m trying to keep it off plus 8 or so more and then I’ll buy a few clothes for the cruise J I absolutely refuse to buy any until I am pretty sure that I’ve managed to lose all the weight I can before hand.

I’ll be glad when day light savings kicks in and it’s lighter for longer in the evenings. Right now when I get home from work there just isn’t enough time to get out for a walk so poor little Lacey waits for the weekends to roll around to get outside and get some exercise. Poor baby. With the longer evenings and the weight loss plan I’m hoping to get out every day after work for a good walk.

Isn't it Ironic

2008-02-10T09:30:00.000-08:00

The tune just keeps running through my head.

An old man turned ninety-eight
He won the lottery and died the next day
It's a black fly in your Chardonnay
It's a death row pardon two minutes too late And isn't it ironic... don't you think

Just over two years ago when my husband left me two weeks before I was to start treatment again, the reason he gave was because I have HepC and he was tired of dealing with it. He wanted to go and party and have fun! He had always thought when the kids grew up and left home we would then do the partying we never did when the kids were young. Where he got this idea and why he never shared it with me I have no idea but there ya go.

So the latest from him that I heard from the kids:

Last week at work where he is a supervisor, one of the guys at work apparently had a stroke. He fell and hit his head on the way down. My ex went and grabbed his medical records and assisted him. His records showed no pre-existing conditions. They were wiping the blood off the guy when he came to and was combative. They were trying to keep him under control until the ambulance arrived and the guy was spitting blood at them and swinging at them. Everyone involved ended up with blood all over them. Ambulance crew arrives and takes over. The ex happens to hear the fellow tell the ambulance crew, "Oh yeah, I have HepC" And isn't it ironic... don't you think

Apparently he has already been to the doctor and been tested but will haveto go every two months for the next year to be tested he says. Chances are slim I'm sure but I guess he'll sweat it for the next year.

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought... it figures

Mr. Play It Safe was afraid to fly
He packed his suitcase and kissed his kids goodbye
He waited his whole damn life to take that flight
And as the plane crashed down he thought"Well isn't this nice..."And isn't it ironic... don't you think

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought... it figures

Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you think everything's okay and everything's going right
And life has a funny way of helping you out when
You think everything's gone wrong and everything blows upIn your face

A traffic jam when you're already late
A no-smoking sign on your cigarette break
It's like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife
It's meeting the man of my dreams
And then meeting his beautiful wife
And isn't it ironic...don't you thinkA little too ironic...and, yeah, I really do think...

It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought... it figures
Life has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Life has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out

February 2008

2008-02-03T07:28:00.000-08:00

Wow the days move along. We are already into February. July will be here before we know it and I have to lose a few pounds before I get on that ship. I got an email from my mom informing me we are going on a ship and not a boat! I want to lose about 10 - 15 lbs and that is very do-able if I actually get to it. Ah well food is one of my vices along with pot and really the one just makes the other worse!

Last Thursday night my son and granddaughter and I went and say Walking with Dinosaurs live. I left work at 2pm and picked up C at at about 2:45 in Delta and then had to get into downtown Vancouver. I printed instructions from mytelus and enlarged them to a big font and had them stuck up where I could see them in the car and just followed what it said and was into town in no time. I am not that familiar with the bridges and by-passes that connect Surrey, Delta, Richmond, New Westminster and Vancouver but we did fine. We sang and talked and entertained each other along the way.

Made it into downtown and found a parking garage fairly close to GM Place. It cost me $11 to park from 3:30 until 9:30. But if I had parked at the sky train lot and bought an all day ride pass it would have cost me the same so ............. but still expensive I thought. Anyway it was about a 5 block walk to where my son works in one of the skyscrapers down there. Downtown Vancouver has sure changed from when I was a kid. It's a whole different world down there but we had a good time walking along and talking. People would smile at C and she finally said to me. "You know what Grandma? When ladies go by they smile at me but when men go by they don't" and so I watched and she was correct. The ladies all gave her a smile and the men ignored her. I got to wondering if it was a sign of the times. Men are looked at with suspicion if they pay attention to small children. Kind of sad I think.

Anyway we met D and headed out and found a White Spot and had dinner. I was kind of disappointed though. When I was a kid White Spot was a hamburger drive-in that would bring the food out to your car on long trays that would slide in the window and attach at the other window across the front seat. They have what they call triple-O sauce. When we were kids in high school we had a White Spot just down the street and that is where we would congregate on weekend nights at the end of a date to sit and eat burgers and visit car to car. The burgers were the best! The food on Thursday night just didn't live up to my memories of the deluxe triple O burger and fries but C had a good time.

We got to GM Place just as they were opening the doors so we were able to get in out of the cold. The show was excellent and a bit scary for the little ones to begin with but they soon realized they were fine and enjoyed the show. I can't really explain how big these animatrons were and how loud they were but you really did feel like you were getting a chance to see what a real dinosaur was like. We were all glad we had come.

Rumors at work that we might be moving into a brand new complex and new office space with a nice big shop. That would sure be nice and from the birdie that let slip the news it seems like it will be much easier for me to get to work and I won't have to drive the freeway.

The sun is shining at the moment although it is 2 below but I may venture out for a walk with Lacey this afternoon if it warms up a bit. I'm a big baby with the cold and can't wait from spring and some warmth and sunshine. My babies this morning waiting for me to be done on the comptuer.

January 08

2008-01-06T08:19:00.000-08:00

A new year is worth a new outlook I think. Last year was a bit of a bust for me but in a quiet way for the most part. I got into my new job but had the stress of knowing I was going to have to start the drug trial at any time. So I spent a fair amount of time trying to figure out how to do both. Lucky for the me the guys I work for were great and let me set my own schedule with their only comment being they just wanted me to be OK. I just felt I couldn't settle down completely until I had things under control.

Along came the drug trial and it was not for me. I tried and then I beat myself up for failing. The summer was a bust as I spent a good portion of it either throwing up, trying not to throw up and getting better again. A fairly long process considering I only managed 4 weeks of drugs. Still wicked stuff! My hair fell out for months afterwards. I was afraid to have too much done to it right up until November.

Christmas was good and I spent time with my kids and family. Had a very good time and was easy on myself and didn't even attempt to "Do it all" So no baking and no decorating and it worked out fine for us. My mom wanted to take us (my three sons and I - granddaughter with her mom till Boxing Day) out for Christmas dinner so none of us had to worry about cooking. The boys were all for it and I thought it sounded like fun and time to make some new traditions etc. So after much checking around we ended up going to the River Rock Casino in Richmond (which is where my Mom lives). They have a fabulous buffet! It really was delicious. Then we headed down to the casino to play the slots for awhile. I have never been in a casino before and never gambled and I had a really good time. The slogan from the various casino ads kept running through my head - Know your limit and stay within it" and I did. The middle son won 125.00 so he was happy. We only stayed in the casino for an hour as the snow had started falling fast and thick so we thought it best to hit the road. Mom in Richmond and the rest of us out into the valley with the snow falling all the way home but it was good and we had a really nice day. Boxing Day was spent at my brothers with Mom and all my brothers kids and grandkids, my boys and granddaughter and various family friends. Lots of good food and good conversation. Again a very nice time was had.

So now here we are into 2008. I have decided on a few things starting with the Hep C issue. I am going to ignore it as best I can this year and just go for my bloodwork every 3 months and check the lft's. My viral load is low and I feel really good and energetic these days. Maybe I have learned to pace myself better but the last few months have been full and busy. I am up at 5AM and work from 8 - 4:30 and then home. Weekends are full with housework and chores and getting out and walking and visiting with friends. Re-treatment I will deal with in the future as I need to. Not this year though, this year is earmarked for other more fun things!

Work has changed and I am enjoying my job alot. I am the office person and take care of all office matters including billing, banking and payroll. I also have a company truck and I pick up supplies and take them out to the guys on various job sites all over the lower mainland. I could see myself staying with this company till I retire which isn't all that many years away now. I turned 57 in November so it is only 8 years until I retire.

I am in de-clutter mode at home and am working away at it bit by bit. When my husband and I split up two years ago and I moved into the apartment I just took all the crap with me. Now two years down the road I am going to get rid of a good portion of the stuff and start over. I am starting at one end of the apartment and going through it and either reorganizing it and then getting it into a tub for storage or I am throwing it out. I went through my closet the other day and had a pile of clothes chest high on the floor to give to MCC (charity out here ummm I think it stands for Menonite Central Commitee) Thrift Store. I am going to throw out or get rid of furniture too. Ikea seems to be the way to go!

Yesterday we booked our Alaskan Cruise for July of this year. My two girlfriends and my Mom are going on this trip. We've booked a quad room on the Norwegian Sun and this well be our first cruise for all of us. The girls and I plan on someplace hot next year, we are thinking about Mexico at an all inclusive, or flying to Hawaii and doing the islands cruise or one of the girls has family connections in Costa Rica so we may do it. This is all in prep for our big tour of Europe when we retire. Get used to travelling and be all ready for the big one.

One of the presents I got my son and granddaughter for Christmas was tickets for the three of us to go and see the "Walk with Dinosaurs" production that is travelling the world. It is based on the original BBC series. It looks so interesting and my son loves stuff like this. My granddaughter is almost 5 so I don't think it will scare her, at least I hope not.

So that is the plan for the new year. Work hard, enjoy life and have plans to look forward too.

I'm adding this picture my middle son took of my beautiful Nemo. It really shows his pretty eyes. Lacey is good and got lots of toys and new clothes for Christmas. I make her and my friends dog jackets for the rain and cold and also house jackets. I've given up the sweaters, they sag and the jackets are much nicer. I'll have to get some pics on here of her growing wardrobe but for now enjoy Nemo's beautiful eyes.

Blood tests and sequencing

2007-09-27T17:58:00.000-07:00

I got a call a month ago from the drug trial nurse asking me to come back in so they could do another blood test for sequencing. I went this morning and gave my blood and was out of there in 20 minutes. The nurse didn't think I have to go back but she'll call if they need to see me again. I asked her about relapsing after being clear of the virus for over a year (someone on the board has just relapsed after being clear for 18 months I think) and she said the literature says that there is a 5% chance of relapse for up to 3 years after attaining SVR. That pretty much sucks!

Well now, Kim has "tagged" me. I tell you all 8 things about me and then I "tag" 8 more bloggers, they do the same thing. So here goes!

1.) My FORTY!!!! year high school reunion is next year. I just keep thinking OMG!! 40 years!!

2.) I am planning an Alaskan cruise for next September with my mom, my 2 friends and one of their moms. It should be so much fun.

3.) I think I am quickly becoming a vegetarian. I've found that the only meat I've been eating much of lately is chicken and today on my way into the hospital I ended up traveling down the freeway beside a truck full of chickens going to be slaughtered and they just looked so poorly treated and jammed into little cages................it sure turns me off eating them.

4) My favorite soaps are General Hospital and One Life to Live. I tape them both and watch them in the evening or on the weekends.

5.) I love the rain. That's probably a good thing seeing as how I live in a rain forest!

6.) I have 2 brothers and a sister and I am the oldest. 4 nieces and 1 nephew.

7.) My favorite tree is the Japanese Maple and even though I live on the 3rd floor of an apartment I have 6 different Japanese Maples.

8.) My friends think I'm morbid and strange because I follow so many of the Caringbridge pages. It was one of those things where I accidentally stumbled across a little girls page and started following it and one page and one child led to another and another and here I am 3 years later still following the many many children. September is Childhood Cancer month. Just go and search youtube and watch some of the video's. So many of the kids that I started following have died and more and more are diagnosed each day. We really need to channel as much as we can into the cancer fight.

Well Kim that's my 8 and I really don't have 8 people to tag. I am one of those lurker types that read the various blogs but don't make comments so I really don't know that many.

July in Beautiful BC

2007-07-29T09:19:00.000-07:00

I've heard nothing from the hospital so I guess I can safely assume the virus is back. No surprise there!

Lynne and I went to Mintner Gardens yesterday. It's out the freeway past Chilliwack almost to Bridal Falls. They have weddings out there as well as being a garden. As it so happened yesterday there was a wedding while we were there and it was such a gorgeous setting! I got one picutre of the bride going by with her dad.

I have been working on my drawing and am really enjoying it. I wanted to get some good macro's yesterday of various flowers so I can use them to draw and did get some gorgeous closeups.

bloodwork

2007-07-05T14:20:00.000-07:00

Well I went today to give blood again so they can chart how quickly the virus comes back. The last test came back <30.

I have to go back if the virus hasn't come back yet from this bloodwork but not until August 10th. I wonder how long it WILL take to come back.

Weather is hot and gorgeous here the last couple of days and I'm feeling so much better. Work is good so all is good in my world at the moment.

Clearing the virus

2007-06-29T10:29:00.000-07:00

I just got a call from the drug study nurse to let me know that the bloodwork they took 2 weeks after I stopped treatment showed that I had cleared the virus. This is what happened last time I was on treatment too. I had cleared by week 4 and stayed that way till the end of treatment and then the virus came right back.

They need me to come in for more bloodwork to see how quickly the virus comes back. I guess they'll do that every few weeks until the virus shows it head again for data collection sake.

Ahh well it's nice to know that i still respond quickly. The nurse said that it is good news and bodes well for any future treatment. She also said they have found that is you have to discontinue treatment at all the virus does come back. Last time I had to stop the ribavirin twice to allow my counts to go back up. Now they can control the anemia much better so by the time I go at this again they may have it all under control.

2 week check up post treatment

2007-06-17T09:45:00.000-07:00

I went back to the hospital yesterday for the 2 week checkup after treatment stops. More bloodwork, another ECG and a physical exam from a doctor. I managed to glean from what he said to the nurse that I have an enlarged liver with steatohepatitis (non alcoholic)

(Nonalcoholic steatohepatitis or NASH is a common, often “silent” liver disease. It resembles alcoholic liver disease, but occurs in people who drink little or no alcohol. The major feature in NASH is fat in the liver, along with inflammation and damage. Most people with NASH feel well and are not aware that they have a liver problem. Nevertheless, NASH can be severe and can lead to cirrhosis, in which the liver is permanently damaged and scarred and no longer able to work properly.
NASH affects 2 to 5 percent of Americans. An additional 10 to 20 percent of Americans have fat in their liver, but no inflammation or liver damage, a condition called “fatty liver.” Although having fat in the liver is not normal, by itself it probably causes little harm or permanent damage. If fat is suspected based on blood test results or scans of the liver, this problem is called nonalcoholic fatty liver disease (NAFLD). If a liver biopsy is performed in this case, it will show that some people have NASH while others have simple fatty liver.)

And palmar erythema (Palmar erythema is reddening of the palms at the thenar and hypothenar eminences. It is associated with various physiological as well as pathological changes, the principal one of which is portal hypertension. It is also seen in patients with liver dysfunction. - Wikipedia) non of which I was aware of.

The nausea still comes and goes and with it my appetite. I'm still very fatigued and it is frustrating! I just want to feel like I did before all this drug trial started. I go back in six months for more follow up. As the nurse walked me out she said it was probably just as well that I quit when I did as it was most likely they would have pulled me from the study anyway because of the blurred vision. She said it is something they watch very closely. So I guess either way I would have been done.

I am going to take one more week off work and then head back. I sure hope the energy level increases! After visiting the hospital on Friday I went to Richmond and visited with my Mom as I really don't get into town all that often. I took her out to Steveston and we had a bit of a walk along the water and stopped for fish and chips. It was really nice.

Today I am off with my two sons to go and visit my oldest son and granddaughter for dinner. I don't think I've mentioned it but their marriage has come to an end and they are sharing custody of the baby. It is sad and I love them both and am not taking sides at all. I really don't think there are sides to take, it just slowly came to an end for both of them. My only hope is that they will all be happier this way and that the baby will have all the love and care she requires from both parents as I know she will. They both love her dearly and will work with each other to make sure she is secure and happy.

Our weather here has been on the cool and wet side but I really don't mind. The heat kills me right now and saps what little energy I have as well as making the nausea flair. One day at a time and hopefully life will get back to normal quickly.

Last weekend Josh and Lacey and I went to visit friends in the Shuswap and had a very nice relaxing weekend. It felt good to get away for a bit and just relax.

One last note. A week ago I saw my liver specialist and after examining me for the end of treatment he asked what I thought happened. I said "it was all about the nausea and vomiting and not being able to work, houseclean, feed the animals, clean the litter box, grocery shopping and everything else it takes to run a life on a day to day basis when you are alone. I didn't have the luxury of just lying down and being sick" and he just nodded. He said "what now?" I said, "Well, I plan on regrouping" He looked at the nurse and she said "we just don't have anything else right now" He then mentioned a drug that I missed and looked at the nurse. She said "You like that one don't you?" and smiled and he nodded yes he did. Then he looked at me. I said "Hey I'm always up for a drug trial at least to try it and see" He nodded and said "OK" and that was the end of the conversation.

I'm done.

2007-06-04T06:02:00.000-07:00

Every morning when I wake up sick and nauseous and I tell myself, "I can't do this any more!!" The little "Rah Rah" team in my head starts in with "Yes you can, you can do this!" and talks me back around and I eventually get through the day.

This week after I took my shot on Tuesday night and got through Wednesday and Thursday I was doing not too badly. Very tired and dragged out but not too bad. I went to bed and woke up on Friday morning throwing up. It took me hours to get down the little magic pill and that didn't even do it. I struggled all day with my stomach and trying to get at least a bit of liquid down and keep it down and of course got no pills down at all. Saturday morning I woke up to the same damn thing. Throwing up uncontrollably. Heaving and heaving and legs so shaky I couldn't stand. That's when the little Rah Rah team quit and agreed with me. I can't do this. I can't handle day after day after day of heavy nausea and throwing up on Fridays. I just can't do this alone.

I feel like I am letting a whole lot of people down starting with the hospital and my doctor but I know I have done the best I can with trying to do this drug trial and go to work and maintain the apartment, bill paying, and taking care of the animals and all the other day to day minutia that is required to maintain a life. I hope everyone else manages to get through this and I wish everyone the best of luck. I need time now to get better and regain my strength. I still feel week, sick and dizzy and haven't had any drugs since Thursday night. So there you have it! I'm done.

Shot #4

2007-05-29T21:30:00.000-07:00

Week 3 is done and tonight I take shot #4. I did manage to get all my pills down this week except for Friday's when I was sick all day and didn't get any pills down at all. But Saturday I rallied and managed to get back on track. This week I have to do all the pills. I know as well as the nurse telling me how important it is to stay on track but again I still have my bouts of nausea when I wake up in the morning. I would have to take the anti-nausea pill every 4 hours all night long in order to not be sick in the morning. So I start my day with a couple of quick tokes to settle the stomach, then I move on to getting down the anti-nausea, wait 45 minutes and take my pills with some kind of breakfast.

Then my problem becomes that the anti-nausea pills make me want to sleep. So what I have done is applied for both Medical EI and CPP Disability and we'll see what happens from here. But at the moment I don't have to be to work each morning and that has lifted a considerable amount of stress with HAVING to have the pills down by 6am in the morning.

I got some of my bloodwork and my hemaglobin is down to 12.2 and my nutraphils are at 1.82 so both are falling but for right now they are fine. The good news is my alt and ast have fallen within the normal range so that made me happy. I go back next week again and until then I just have to concentrate on getting the pills down and staying ahead of the nausea as much as I can. If it means frequent short naps then so be it. I'm going to try and get in some exercise each day as well and poor little Lacey will thank me for that! She hasn't had nearly as many walks but she's a good little girl and she is totally litter box trained along with the cat so I am very lucky there.

I'm starting to get a rash both on the back of my hands and a couple of itchy spots on my back and arm and leg but not too bad so far. Pop is not tasting good to me right now so have been drinking alot of juice and water. Denise has a good point about the ginger so one of my sons brought my 4 different ginger teas to try and I'm going to get in a good supply of ginger ale and see if that helps as well. So I'm a bit itch, a lot sleepy and a bit nausea but happy with this week and feel like next week might be better.

Many mornings though I have to admit, I wake up feeling so nauseous and saying to myself I can't do this, what the hell was I thinking and on and on but I do know as soon as the nausea passes so does that mood and I feel much more upbeat and ready to march on with things when it's under control. Food is still a bit of an issue as far as crappy appetite and with needing food to get the pills down I have switched over to several small meals or snacks instead of three meals a day. That just wasn't working for me.

So overall? This was a better week than last week. :)

I went down to Lynnie's on the weekend and sat by the pond with my camera and took a few pictures. I'll post a few here before I go. It's a little piece of heaven on earth.

Anne

Shot #3

2007-05-23T13:47:00.001-07:00

Week 2 down and I have to admit I am struggling. I can’t seem to get the nausea under control. I had my appointment at the hospital yesterday for blood work, to check in with the nurse and get more pills.

She understood about the nausea but was unhappy with the pills I’ve missed. Here is what happens. The telaprevir is large and has to be taken 2 pills, 3 times a day, 8 hours apart. So I get up at 5:00am and spend an hour trying to settle my stomach and get together some kind of food to take the 2 pills with along with the 3 ribavirin. I do this with a combination of a few tokes, some deep breathing, and trying to keep my stomach calm.

Then I have to be to work by 8:00am. I spend the morning fighting with my stomach and trying to keep it settled. At 2pm those second pair of telaprevir has to be taken along with food and water or drink of some kind. This is where I run into trouble. I can’t very well go out back and smoke a joint so I don’t have this as an option for stomach control. So I try various options of food and sometimes I can take the pills and sometimes I just can’t get them down for a few hours. It’s hard to sit at work and choke and gag.

I guess I should mention the nausea’s impact on me. I know someone reading this probably thinks Oh for God sake!! Just take the damn pills and be done with it and trust me, if I could I would!! It is like my teeth are permanently clenched trying to hold my stomach contents where they belong. It gets so bad that it’s hard to brush my teeth even because just getting the toothbrush in there is enough to make me gag. Once I start to gag, its game over for awhile and I have to start the whole process of trying to calm my stomach all over again.

If the 2 pm pills don’t get taken when they should it pushes everything back by an hour or two. This is all assuming I get down the 6 am pills at 6 am. Some days I can’t and then work is looming so I gather everything up with me and take it to work and try to get it all down there but by then it is at least 8:30 or so and then we have pushed the afternoon pills to know 4:30 pm. So……..depending on when I get the various pills down (the ribavirin has to be 12 hours after the first group so if they are taken at 6am they are also due at 6pm so again I’m staggering pills and trying to take them with upset stomach) I then have the last set of telaprevir to go 8 hours after the afternoon group. Now if it is 6 am I get the pills down and manage to stay on schedule then I take the last group at 10 pm which is about my limit. Otherwise it is 11 or 12 and I have fallen asleep waiting to take the pills. If that happens then I can’t just wake up and take pills, I have to go through the whole stomach calming routine with a few tokes etc thrown in so consequently I end up missing the last 2 pills. That freaks me out and panic sets in and makes the whole thing worse.

So today when I saw the nurse ( a new one) we discussed the whole problem and then she took me off to see my doctor (felt like a kid hauled up before the principal for being bad) and he and I discussed the problem. He did understand how stressed it makes me to not be able to get those pills down and he did have a few suggestions to help along with a prescription for another PILL!!! I just looked at him ready to burst into tears at that point. He said “I know, another pill!” But this is what they used to give to chemo patients intravenously and he said it is anti nausea as well as helping with mobility and getting my stomach moving and not letting stuff sit there too long. So I left there with a prescription for that (Metoclopramide HCL) and a box of samples of some kind of anti-heartburn prescription stuff that is again in pill form.

I went back to work but just felt so crappy that I didn’t stay all day. Left early and went to EI to see where I stand and what I have to do to get some help with Medical EI and then to Jude’s where I sat on the swing in the garden in the shade and settled my stomach and discussed the whole thing with her and told her what the EI ladies had told me. I think what it comes down to is I have to have a doctor’s note (no problem) and then show a stoppage of work where I have lost earnings. I will be better off to just take two weeks off and use that as my stoppage of work than work each day for as little as 2 hours before conceding defeat and going home again. I haven’t finished reading it all or making a family doctor appointment but I think that is what I will end up doing. Then I can adjust my work to how many days I can manage and have the medical EI as backup as needed. Also I have temporary CPP Disability to find out about.

So I got home last night and went and got the prescription filled and took one of those magic pills and man did that work!! I got the rest of the day’s pills down and took my third shot. When I got up this morning it was the strangest thing, no nausea but I threw up! Then all was fine and I had some breakfast and ate the pills including the magic pill. I delayed my work start today until 9 and had an easier start to the day. It’s now 1:30 and I’ve taken another magic pill and I’m starting to gear up for the 2pm pills which I will manage and the day is definitely going better. Only problem so far with the magic pill is it makes me even more tired but it is way better than nausea. I am going to go for a short walk after work and hope this is a new beginning for getting the pills down on a more consistent basis.

Shot #2

2007-05-16T10:21:00.001-07:00

Week 1 is done and I took shot # 2 last night. I’m taking all my pills and I was back to work Monday morning. The day was fairly rough and I left an hour early. Tuesday I had to be back at the hospital for blood work and to check in with the nurse. All was good and I was back at work by 12:30. The rest of the day went great and I felt really good.

Work is being very supportive and I can set my own hours as to when I am here etc. and that really helps a lot with the stress. Talking to the nurse yesterday I realized my headache (right where the base of the skull joins the neck) is probably caused by stress. Also during all of last weeks trying to get the pills and all under control and missing 4 days of work had me pretty much freaked out for awhile and on Saturday morning my back went into spasms!! Also probably stress related she thought. So I am really trying to take the pressure off myself as far as I can and allow some things to slide a bit if they aren’t all that important. I nag myself to death on a regular basis and I’ve decided to stop it and get a little more laid back.

This is going to be a year of cleansing for me, both physically in cleansing the virus or trying too as well as mentally and emotionally. I’m going to spend this time of treatment being kind to myself and pampering myself where I can and just getting through all this as best I can and not beating myself up for stupid little things like the housework or whatever. I’m going to let a whole lot of baggage go too as I really have no control and I’m not going to worry about what I can’t control.

My friends have been wonderful and are rallying around at every point. Jude and Lynne have both phoned regularly and Jude took me into the hospital yesterday so I didn’t have to drive. Lynnie and Al had me for dinner last night and we took Lacey for a walk after dinner and got some fresh air and a bit of exercise. Sue has been phoning and emailing and my Mom is in touch daily. Even the boys are staying in touch and making sure I don’t need anything so I feel like I have a wonderful support system all the way around.

Anne

Day 3

2007-05-10T20:34:00.000-07:00

Today was a somewhat better day. I never did get a gravol down last night as my stomach was very queasy still and I had stopped throwing up by dinner time. I slept and at 6:00 am I did manage to take 2 gravol. At 9:00 am I took two Trelapravir then spent the rest of the day battling nausea. This evening Jude and Lynne came over and talked me into trying gravol suppositories and then a little herbal remedy and my stomach finally settled. I have to try and eat something now and I would like to try and take 2 more trelaprivir before bed. Tomorrow I'll try to stay ahead of the nausea and take all of the Trelapravir and introduce the ribavirin again.

I've talked to the nurse again today and she says to go at my own pace as I need to be able to eat and drink or it will become even more of a vicious cycle. So right now I am going to try and have something light to eat and take my 2 pills with it.

Work is being really good and telling me to take my time and get the drugs stabilized in my system and all is fine.

Day 1 & 2

2007-05-09T16:34:00.000-07:00

Quick update cause I know people are wondering. I am sick as a dog and have been throwing up steadily every half hour since 11:30 last night. I've talked to the nurse and the plan at the moment is to get some gravol down me and try to hold it in for at least half an hour and let it disolve. What I have been throwing up is bright bright yellow and very medicinally tasting so we are thinking I am definitely getting the talaprivir along with the interferon and ribavirin. 12% of people on tralaprivir have this reaction so she will talk to the study people to see how to control this, I'll take gravol and ginger ale and we'll try again tomorrow. I haven't managed to take any pills today with all the throwing up but yesterday I had interferon, 5 ribavirin and 7 telapravir so she thinks I just have a sensitive stomach for the tralapavir and I just got overloaded. Sorry this is a little disjointed but I just feel so bloody awful.
Anne

Start date

2007-05-04T18:21:00.000-07:00

Finally they called today. I was starting to get nervous that they had found something wrong in my bloodwork or something it was taking so long, or at least it seemed that way to me. My treatment buddy started a couple of weeks ago and she is in group C so she doesn't have to take the ribavirin and she says so far so good and hardly any side effects at all.

I have to be at the hospital by 8:45 on Tuesday the 8th of May so I am going to go into my Mom's after work on Monday and spend the night there. She lives a lot closer to the hospital and it will make it much easier than fighting traffic all the way in on Tuesday morning. That drive totally stresses me out as I never know how long it's going to take me and I'm always worried about being late. I hate being late for anything.

I'll be there about 4 and a half hours approximately and have to have blood taken right after the first dose and then again at half an hour, 1 hour, 2 and a half hours and 4 hours and then I get to leave. I will have time to get home and take my tylenol before the sides kick in. Last time it was exactly 8 hours after the shot of interferon that I got the flu like symptoms and I just went to bed and slept it off. I have always had trouble taking pills so I avoid tylenol and just suffer with whatever ails me but not this time. This time I plan on taking the tylenol and motoring on instead of just suffering.

Now I spend 3 days alternating between Yes!!! we are getting on with this! and No!! I don't wanna do this!! lol Last time I went I tried to talk my husband into taking me home all the way into town and the hospital. I even informed him it was my body and if I had changed my mind and didn't want to do this then I didn't have to and on and on. He just said "Unhuh" and kept driving. I think it's that last gasp of "Are you fucking insane!!! Why would you poison yourself for 48 weeks?" and then sanity kicks in again and you know this is just something you have to get through so you might as well just go and get it over and done with. This time I am doing it on my own and I already know what to expect so the whole process should be easier. You think??

Ah well. I'll update often and I am going to try and keep a good record of sides etc. Positive thoughts!!

Treatment buddies

2007-04-17T18:07:00.000-07:00

I got a message on the board from another lady (L) who is starting on the Telaprevir (VX-950) drug trial around the same time as me. She is starting on Monday the 23rd so she'll be about a week or two ahead of me. We have decided to be email treatment buddies. I know it will be helpful to have someone else going through this at the same time to talk to.

Here is one of those stupid vanities we are sometimes guilty of. Last time I had treatment they told me I shouldn't get my hair dyed while on treatment and didn't give me a reason why. I followed instructions and didn't dye my hair but I absolutely hated all the grey coming in. My hair was quite long and by the end it just sort of hung there with no life in it at all. As soon as I was done treatment I went and got it cut and dyed it. I was red in those days or auburn I guess. Well last year I cut my hair short and dyed it blonde and I was really happy with it and everyone around me seems to like it. So one of the first thoughts I had was about my hair and what I was going to do about it.

When I saw the nurse on Friday and we went through everything and I had asked my questions and was getting ready to leave the nurse asked if I had any last questions and I suddenly remembered the hair dye issue so I asked. She said that interferon kills hair follicles and that is why you lose hair on treatment. She said the dye would kill more follicles but it was entirely up to me. If I wanted to get my hair dyed and risk losing extra hair that was up to me. Well i have a ton of hair and even with losing a fair amount it was still pretty thick so I decided I would risk it. I have been thinking about what Miss Poppy said to me on the board about using the next couple of weeks to pamper myself and so today I phoned and made the appointment to get my hair cut and dyed before I start (save some of those follicles!) So I shall be going forth into treatment looking my best and feeling really good about it too.

I had to laugh when I got the last email from my treatment buddy L too. Last time round she lost a lot of weight and so did I. She's just quit smoking and says she has become an eating machine so she doesn't mind losing some weight, well ME TOO!! Gotta look for all those silver linings, be positive and be thankful for getting the chance to be part of the trial. I know I sure am.

So this is what I know so far about how the drug trial will work.

There are 4 arms to the study.

Group A will receive Pegasys, Copegus and a "placebo" for 24 weeks followed by Pegasys and Copegus for 24 weeks. (Group A will return to the clinic at Week 26 to discuss treatment options, which include access to telaprevir through a rollover protocol)

Group B will receive Pegasys, Copegus and telaprevir for 24 weeks followed by Pegasys and Copegus for 24 weeks

Group C will receive Pegasys and telaprevir for 24 weeks

Group D will receive Pegasys, Copegus and telaprevir for 12 weeks followed by Pegasys, Copegus and a placebo for 12 weeks.

Needless to say I would take Group B as a first choice and then Group A (as long as the telaprevir kicks in at week 26) but I'll take whatever I get. I also found out that 440 adults will take part in the study at approximately 60 medical centers in North America and Europe.

Friday the 13th

2007-04-14T18:29:00.000-07:00

It's a good thing I've always considered Friday the 13th a lucky day. It was a long day yesterday but we got everything done and now I just have to wait and make sure all my tests come back fine. My nurse told me that it will be about 2 weeks so they will call me either the last week in April or the first week in May and then I just have to go in and get started.

I got a call the day before to say I had to fast for 4 hours before my appointment at 10AM so I didn't have anything when I got up in the morning. With rush hour and all the road construction going on everywhere all over Vancouver (getting ready for the Olympics in 2010) I left at 8AM and pulled into the underground parking at the hospital at 9:48.

I met my nurses, got the rundown of what we had to get done and then they left me with the 20 page informed consent form to read and a pad of paper to jot down questions. My only questions were if 1) If I ended up in group A which got only interferon and ribavirin and a placebo for 24 weeks, would the rollover into the vertex drug be at the end of the 24 weeks or the end of the 48 weeks. and 2) if the drugs gave me anemia again as I assume they will as that is a side effect of both ribavirin and telaprevir, can we just lower the dosage instead of being taken off the drug until my counts improve.

She said that on question 2 she was pretty sure that they would lower the dosage because they have learned you are better off to have a lower dose and stay on ribavirin than go off the drug and then back on again and on the first question she thought it was at the 26 week mark when they meet to tell you which group you were in and tell you what's happening with your results so far. So I could end up in any of the 4 groups and each gets the telaprevir at one point or another. It is Pegasys and Copegus that we'll be getting.

I had an ECG, multiple vials of blood taken, a physical exam, urine test, eye examination, weight and height, blood pressure, signed and initialed 20 pages of consent and was there for about 3 hours. I left and went looking for food and drink!! Then I hit the freeway back to work and got back around 3PM.

I was happy to read the Prove 1 Clinical Trial results. My nurse was very positive about the drug too. It's going to mean lots of trips in to the hospital for the first few months but that's fine. I need to increase my fluid intake now and get used to drinking water. The nurse said to get some crystal light and mix that in with it and see if giving it a flavor helps. Plus she said if I want a cup of coffee in the morning I can have one. The Hepatitis clinic has moved into a big new facility still attached to the hospital with all new everything so it's really nice and I liked all the nurses that I've met so far. They seem very informed and she was happy to hear about the online support network the forum provides whereas last time they told me to stay off the internet as most of the information out there was wrong. So all in all I feel very positive about all of this and my only worry now is how the drugs will affect me and what group I end up in and will I be able to stay on top of the fluids I need.

THE phone call

2007-04-10T12:41:00.000-07:00

I just got the phone call from the Dr.'s office regarding the VX950 drug trial. I have to be there on Friday the 13th (it has always been my lucky day!!) to go over everything, have blood work, a urine test etc to make sure I qualify for the study. I had a biopsy 2 years ago so thank God I don't have to have another one.

There are four arms to the study and it is decided who goes into what arm with a flip of a coin and one of the arms doesn't include the VX950, just the Interferon and Ribaviran for 48 weeks. The other three do have the VX950 in them in various combinations with the Interferon and the Ribaviran. I'll know more after the meeting. She also said only 8 or 9 are going to be in the study and I will be his only patient in the trial so I really do consider myself lucky! The nurse said if I have not attained SVR by week 12 the trial is done for me.

OMG!!! I am now going to alternate between sheer panic and "Thank God let's get this over and done with" until Friday.

Spring showers...........

2007-04-09T09:09:00.000-07:00

May bring May flowers but man it would sure be nice to see the sunshine for an extended period of time. Friday was gorgeous and the temp went up to 22 and Saturday was quite nice. Yesterday it was not bad and this morning the rain is coming down in torrents. Oh well, round about June I should be complaining about the heat!!

Lynnie and I got in a good walk on Saturday and took Miss Lacey with us. I usually show pictures of her sitting looking pretty, well this is what she likes more than anything, to get out into the bush and dig herself a nice big hole and crawl into it and roll around. Then she is a happy little girl. We call her the "No Fear" dog. She jumps from great heights, loves to swim, dig and run. I also call her my little mud pit!! She is not the delicate little lap dog I expected but I love that little face of hers dirty or not. Mr. Nemo is a lovely boy. He is very clean and proper and he lets Lacey just mall him.

I am off to Lynnies for dinner tonight and then it's back to work tomorrow. I have heard nothing yet about the drug trial and might phone next week and see if there is any news.

Spring!

2007-03-22T11:06:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been so long since I've updated I'm not sure where to begin! Carol nudged me to make a new post and I promised her one this week so I better come up with something. So.........what's new?

Well, I signed up for an art class with Jude and Lynne. It was 15 hours or 5 Saturday mornings from 9:30 - 12:30 and was based on the Betty Edwards book, Learn to draw in 15 hours with the right side of your brain. We are finished it and enjoyed it so much and the progress we made was so amazing that we have signed up for the second part of the course and that starts in April.

My friend Sue came down for a weeks visit and I enjoyed it so much. I mentioned in an earlier blog that she has been diagnosed with stage IV Lymphoma with spots appearing in her liver. She looks fine and is not sick at all right now. She sees the doctor every 3 months and has blood work before she sees him each time. They will not do any treatment unless she starts to show symptoms or gets sick and then they will do the chemo and radiation but have told her it is not a cure, it is only to hold it at bay basically.

While she was here I still had to go to work each day but it still worked out really well. She got here on the Thursday and Jude picked her up here in Langley at the bus depot and they went shopping and hung out till I got off work. Then being Thursday we had girls night and it was my turn to have the girls at my place. Josh had given me a chocolate fondue set for Christmas so we had veggies and dip, 7 layer dip and cheese and crackers and then we did the chocolate fondue with fruit and cake and whipping cream......OMG it was sooooo good. Then I worked on Friday and then Saturday morning we had our art class and then Jude and Sue and I headed for the ferry and went to the island and visited with Barb in Comox.

We had a great time over there with the Sunday being a gorgeous sunny day. We walked the beach and then went to Barb's work (a fish packer and front end store outlet) and picked up a couple of big bags of salmon heads and took them down to the beach where Barb's friend Mona lives. We dumped out the fish heads on the beach and got our camera's out and watched first the seagulls and then pretty quick the eagles started coming in. I counted about 12 of them in total. I got some pictures that were pretty good. (I'll post them when I get home. Right now I'm at work) We were over there from Saturday until Monday and came home Monday afternoon. Sue stayed until Wednesday and then I took her to the bus.

I am going to try and get up to visit her as often as possible this spring and summer. She is 4 hours away from me so I can leave work on a Friday and be there by 10 that night even with stopping for dinner along the way. I could start treatment at any time or she could get sick and need to start treatment so we need to enjoy this spring and summer and forget the bad stuff while we can and that is exactly what we plan on doing.

My little granddaughter turned 4 on the 23rd of February. Hmmm I guess I haven't mentioned her hair............ Well for Christmas besides the clothes and toys I got her I also made a trip over to the dollar store and picked her up a little tool box and filled it up with office stuff like tape, post-it notes, pens, pencils, erasers, glue sticks, note pads and a pair of small scissors. She loved it and had post-it notes stuck all over my apartment. Unfortunately she used the glue sticks for lip gloss......................but the worst thing was she got ahold of the scissors when nobody was looking and cut the end off her pigtail. My son phoned to inform me that Christina had used MY Christmas gift to cut her hair with. I informed him that what goes around comes around and told him how he had decided at 3 to cut his hair and had got ahold of scissors and given himself a reverse mohawk!! Yes, that is correct. He took the scissors and held them on top of his head and just went clip clip clip right down the center of his head so he had a nice little bald strip down the center of his head. He thought that was pretty funny.

Well two weeks later Christina got into Allie's scrapbooking stuff and found some shape scissors. Allie went looking to see what Christina was up to and she was in the bathroom with the door shut. Allie asked her what she was doing and she said "Oh, nothing I'm just brushing my teeth" Finally Allie insisted that she open the door and she stood there with the scissors in her hand and big chunks of hair missing from all over her head!!!! Allie just about had a heart attack. She ended up shaving her head completely and then she took a picture and sent it to me. I phoned to talk to her and as we were on the phone Christina came up and handed Allie and baggie full of hair! Needless to say she looks like a child who has recently had chemo. I have pictures of that too so I'll post a bald baby pic when I get home as well.

I had her for a sleepover for her birthday and we had a ball. She wanted to go to the dollar store and get makeup so we did that. She wanted a baby doll and carriage so we did that too and then I found her the cutest little outfits. She is getting her own taste in clothes though already and will only wear stuff if she likes it. I went to get her some new runners to go with her new outfit and we wandered up and down the isle looking at all the shoes and runners and she spotted some bratz runners and had to have those. So we looked and they didn't have her size so I tried the next size up and they were too big but she insisted they were good so I let her wear them around for awhile until she conceded that yes they were too big so back to wandering up and down the isle looking and all of a sudden she saw the Pokeman shoes and those were the ones she had to have. We looked and they had her size so I put them on her and she loved them! She ran up and down the isle to see if they were fast (???) and she jumped up and down in them and said, "Oh Grandma I love these shoes!!" and she looked so happy and then all of a sudden she says, "Grandma, these are girls runners right?" (They were black, grey and white and yes probably boys runners) I said honey I think they are for both boys and girls and either can wear them. That answer made her happy and she wore the shoes for the rest of the weekend. She also wanted a princess nightgown and an ariel swimsuit. When I took her home on Sunday she fell asleep in the car and when her dad took her out he laid her on the couch and took her shoes off. Well big mistake! She woke up crying and nasty and when he asked her what was wrong she said I want my shoes!! I called her that night before bed to tell her how much I enjoyed her company and that I loved her and she was running around in her new princess nightgown but also had to have her shoes on too. I'm sure when she goes to daycare and the other kids tell her they are boys shoes she is going to inform them that grandma said they were for both boys and girls!

The weather is warmer but a whole lot wetter but at least I can still drive in the rain and haven't had to miss any more work due to snow days. Lacey and I have been doing alot of walking and we both are enjoying getting out more rain or shine. Lynnie comes with us quite often and sometimes it's Josh but I am going on my own more often too. I found an off-leash area along the dike and we go there. Lacey loves it and can run and play and she meets lots of other dogs. All good for her and for me.

I've been doing ok but am getting anxious to get on with the drug trial. I am getting back some of the symptoms I had before treatment last time. I wake up feeling crappy in the mornings and fight nausea for awhile. It goes away in an hour or so. Lots of heartburn lately too. The odd scary chest pain that I ignore and it does go away. Not too much energy. Go to work, come home and basically do nothing for the rest of the evening which means most housework gets left for the weekends. I take care of the animals, clean the litter pan etc but other than that I don't do much. I am forcing myself to spend less time at the computer and more time reading and drawing. Waiting waiting waiting is what it's all about at the moment. Feel like I'm in limbo and can't really make plans or move forward until I get the treatment thing under control. What will the treatment consist of, how many drugs, how long will I have to take them, will I miss work and if I do how will I pay my bills, will I get the horrible rash everyone talks about and on and on with no answers until I get the phone call saying drug trial starts and you need to come in for the meeting and sign the informed consent.

Well I better get back to work here and I'll post some pics when I get home and find them :)

Snow

2007-01-10T14:53:00.000-08:00

It's snowing hard and beautiful outside but the roads are bad so I've elected to stay home and stay snug, warm and safe today. My babies love to sit on the window sill and watch the snow fall. There is a little black squirrel who hangs out in the tree across from the window and he drives Lacey mad. She growls and whines at him and it generally keeps her occupied and interested.

I was doing the T4's at work yesterday and came across this as I was reading instructions

"a) Remuneration paid to the employee:

before and during the month the employee turned 18;
after the month the employee turned 70;
during the months the employee was considered to be disabled under the CPP

so it got me to wondering whether or not I can collect CPP Disability if I get sick and can't work while I am on treatment. I also have an appointment with my family doctor on Friday so I can get bloodwork done so I'm going to talk to him about it and see what he says. Three must be something that will help other than having to go on welfare!!

Work is going well and I am feeling OK. Tired alot and heartburn is getting really bad but other than that I am fine. Just want to get going on treatment and get it over and done with.

End of one year and beginning of another

2006-12-31T10:07:00.000-08:00

Well I made it!!! Christmas was good. I had all the kids and the granddaughter and my mom here for Christmas along with one of the kids friends who needed a friendly place to have Christmas dinner. Ithought the day would be hard but really I was so busy that it was all good. We also resurrected the Boxing Day gathering at my brothers house that had gone by the boards a few years back. It was really good and we had all of his kids and grandkids, my kids (minus Dave and Allie and Christina who had other plans) and our Mom there along with Jack, a long time family friend and now a part of the family who also happens to be the father of my son Josh. Both days were full of fun, laughter and good food. I was totally at ease and enjoyed it immensely.

I was off for 4 days and then back to work for 3 and now off for the New Year long weekend. I was on the forum this morning and saw a post about the VX-950 and am going to post the pertinent parts here.

NEW YORK, Dec 13 (Reuters) - Vertex Pharmaceuticals Inc. said on Wednesday the effectiveness of its experimental drug VX-950 for hepatitis C was similarly impressive in a trial involving hundreds of patients as in two smaller previous studies, but the company's shares slipped on safety concerns.

Vertex said 88 percent of patients who took its drug for 12 weeks in combination with two standard medicines, interferon and ribavirin, had undetectable levels of the virus. That compared with 52 percent who took only the standard treatments

"Although the latest results are preliminary, they are exciting and confirm findings from initial studies," said Dr. John McHutchison, a Duke University professor who led the new study.

Despite its potency, 9 percent of patients taking VX-950 dropped out of the ongoing trial due to side effects, including rash, gastrointestinal disorders and anemia -- compared with 3 percent taking the standard dual therapy.

Serious adverse events were seen in 3 percent of those taking the Vertex drug, compared with 1 percent taking just interferon and ribavirin.

"The efficacy and safety data were both a little less than expected," Prudential Equity Group analyst Jason Zhang said. But Zhang added that he continues to believe VX-950 has potential to become the new standard of care for the life-threatening liver disease.

While side effects were more pronounced among patients taking VX-950, McHutchison said they should be weighed against the far-worse risks of continued hepatitis C infection. He said the virus causes cirrhosis in about 20 percent of people infected for 20 years or longer. And its damage is the leading reason for liver transplants.

The latest trial involves 250 patients infected with the most common, but hardest-to-treat, genotype 1 form of hepatitis C, who received the Vertex pill for 12 weeks. None had previously received any drugs to eliminate the virus, which infects an estimated 4 million Americans.

The U.S. study, one of three sizable mid-stage trials either planned or already in progress, is assessing how well patients respond to the Vertex drug within 24 weeks after completing treatment. Patients were divided into four treatment groups.
Three groups received the Vertex drug for 12 weeks in combination with the gold standard of therapy -- long-acting interferon and antiviral drug ribavirin. Another group received only interferon and ribavirin, plus a placebo.

Among 74 patients given VX-950 for whom data were available after 12 weeks, 88 percent had undetectable levels of the virus. That compared with 52 percent of those in the group that received only interferon and ribavirin.

"In effect, almost 90 percent of patients had undetectable virus after the first 12 weeks of triple therapy in this trial," McHutchison said

He said patients from one arm of the trial whose virus was undetectable after four weeks of treatment and continued to be undetectable after 12 weeks may elect to stop taking all medicines, but continue to be followed.

Others will continue to take interferon and ribavirin alone for either an additional 12 or 36 weeks, but receive no additional VX-950.

"If the virus remains undetectable 24 weeks after treatment is stopped, you are considered to have cleared the virus," McHutchison said, a main reason the 12 weeks of data now in hand are considered only preliminary.

With interferon and ribavirin alone, only half of patients typically clear the virus after a full year of treatment. And the dual therapy -- rival forms of which are sold by Schering-Plough Corp. and Roche Holding AG can cause severe flu-like symptoms as well as depression.

Although the Vertex medicine by itself has been shown to wipe out more than 99.99 percent of virus in the bloodstream, it is not a stand-alone cure because the virus rebounds.

© Reuters 2006. All Rights Reserved.

I obviously have some concerns and alot of questions but really just want to get on with the drug trials and get it over and done with. I see I will probably have to take both the interferon and the ribavirin again but it looks like it may only be for 12 weeks instead of the 48 or maybe 12 weeks with the trio and then I can drop the ribavirin when they stop the VX-950. Maybe it will be enough to keep the virus away. I was undectable from 12 weeks on last time and still relapsed when the treatment was done so my hope is that the combo of the three drugs for 12 weeks and then the interferon for the rest of 48 weeks will be enough the kill the beast.

A new week

2006-12-05T18:57:00.000-08:00

Well I'm feeling not quite so uptight this week. At least now I have a plan and can focus on that. Obviously my moving to the island will have to wait until I am done with all this as I couldn't be making the trips back and forth while on the drug trial.

I was getting pretty stressed about my medical and extended health and stuff and thought with it coming up for a year that we have been separated that Al might go and get a no fault divorce and then I would be off the medical and extended health. I went and saw him on Saturday and he said yes I am still covered on his medical and extended health and he has no intention of taking me off of it or of getting a divorce. Yes he is aware that legally if this went to court etc he would be paying support and that I am entitled to part of his pension and he has no problems with that. He does however have financial problems but as he said that's his problem and not mine. He wants to and will do whatever he can to help especially in the Spring when the drug trial starts. He said if it comes down to it he will move from the house and get a smaller place so he can give me more but in the mean time he will start by at least paying my car insurance payment or put $100 in my account each month starting the middle of January. He is trying to get his bills paid down and when that happens he'll have more to contribute. Income Tax is threatening to garnishee his wages but again that is his problem and not mine. It was all very polite and he kept saying that he wants to help. So at least I know I have the medical and should I run into dire straights during treatment he will help.

Work is going good and I'm almost caught up on all the bank recs so when that is done I will feel a lot more comfortable about things. The guys are nice, a bit rough and rowdy but all very nice to me and very polite. I have been leaving Lacey home a day here and there so she gets used to in for those days when she is better off there such as the day I went to the hospital to see the doctor. I didn't want to leave her at work whining and bugging the guys and I won't leave her alone in the car so I left her at home with the cat. I had no idea how they would make out for a full day alone but the house was fine when we got home and the animals had all there body parts so they got along just fine. I think Nemo likes the company as he gets pretty bored. He is sure getting to be a big boy!

I've made the a bed between the couch and the window sill and they lay there and look out the window and snuggle up together and sleep. The new beta blogger is allowing me to post pictures again so I've added a few. Lacey in one of the sweaters I knit her, Nemo sitting on the window sill watching the snow fall and the two of them snuggled up on their window bed having a snooze.

Vertex

2006-11-29T15:32:00.000-08:00

Drug trial starts in the Spring and I'm on the list. Emotional day. Cried my way to work, to the doctor and home again. Hating Al today. Need to do some research on Vertex but the doctor seems to think I can still work while on it and of course with it being a drug trial that means the drugs are free and he said so far the results seem good.

Snowy Saturday

2006-11-25T08:35:00.000-08:00

Well I guess I had better get busy here and post again. So much has happened since I last blogged a big blog so I guess I better backtrack and update.

My new job: Started the new job the beginning of November and so far so good. It was a bit overwhelming to begin with and the last girl didn't do any bank recs for 16 months so I've been trying to get that up to date but the accountants had closed last years books at the end of February 06 and it was very difficult to try and figure out some of the stuff she did. After trips back and forth to the accountants office it was decided that seeing as they forced a reconciliation at the end of February I would start there and work forward so that is what I'm doing. Payroll was also a challenge the first time round but I have it down now so that will be fine and the salesman has been very nice to me and not any problem there. His wife is another story but I just kept being very nice and not letting it get to me and now she is totally out of the picture. Both of the owners have been out of town on jobs basically since I started which in some ways was good and in some ways was not good but all in all it's working out ok. Oh, and most importantly, Lacey can still come to work with me each day. She is bored and doesn't get the same amount of exercise but she likes it better than being left at home each day!

The trip to the island: Jude and I went over on my birthday weekend and stayed with Barb one night and then headed up island to Port Hardy and spent a night up there as well. Back down to Barb's in Comox for another night and then home. We saw everything from bright sunshine to heavy rain and storms and some snow on our way up and down the island.

Barb, Jude and Ed (her husband) and another friend from our days in Williams Lake 27 years ago have been planning for some time now to buy a piece of property on the island and start a bed and breakfast that they can all retire to and work from and stay for the rest of their days. When Al and I split up they included me in their plans. So while we were over there we discussed it more and started making plans. Angus is in the Yukon and has a charter plane business up there. He needs to be there for another year and his marriage is ending and he needs to buy out his wife before he can proceed. Barb has a house in Comox that she needs to sell. So here is the tentative plan at the moment.

In April I will move to Barb's in Comox and help her finish getting the house ready for sale and get it on the market and sold. Then if Angus is ready for us, her and I will head to where he is and help him out until he is ready to sell up there. Then the three of us will go back to the island and find our piece of heaven and get moved in. Jude and Ed are starting the big downsize and getting rid of years of stuff they will no longer need and be ready to go in a year or two as well. Then we will do a number of things from the property. Some of us will need to work and some will work on the property. Jude and I will probably stay with the tree business (we already had our own company and registered name before we went to the tree farm and worked for someone else), Angus will continue doing a charter business with his planes and bring people in to us, I'll do the webpaging and bookkeeping etc and Ed is going to work on the property getting the gardens in including some trees to sell and extra buildings built (workshop and craft area, cabins maybe for the B&B), and Barb will do all the cooking and get the B & B running with Jude and I doing the grunt work for her (clean up in kitchen, chamber maids basically). We all want the same thing, we are all compatible and we will all have our own room or suite for privacy and best of all we will all have the ocean and beach in our front yard. We are starting to make our move now because the island is starting to be bought up by Albertans and Americans coming in so the longer we wait the more expensive the property will be. The one thing in our favour is we are happy to be in a slightly remote area.

James Blunt: A totally awesome concert!! He has a new song that he sang for us called Annie so I really like that!

Sue: They ran a bunch of tests on Sue and she saw the oncologist on Thursday. She called me Thursday night when the girls were here and it doesn't sound great. She has Lymphoma Stage 4 as spots showed up on her liver. The doctor said right now she isn't sick and it seems to be a lazy cancer. He doesn't want to do any treatment right now and he sent her for an ultrasound of her liver I guess to use as a baseline. He said there is no point making her sick when right now she isn't sick and the treatment would not be a cure. She has a standing 3 month appointment at the cancer clinic and goes for bloodwork before each appointment. When the cancer starts to do something or starts to make her sick then they will commence treatment which will include both radiation and chemo. She sounded upbeat but was foggy on some of what he told her. She was under the impression that the stage had to do with the cancer being confined to her upper body. We have been friends since David and her Scotty were babies together. They are both coming up for 35 this year! I have been emailing her often and will continue to do so as well as send little gifts and cards. When we were on the island we stopped at one of the native gift houses and I bought a healing strand. It's very pretty and I want to send one to Sue. I emailed Barb this morning and she is going to get one for me and send it over.

Well that brings me up to date on the last blog. So what's new? Well we got a dusting of snow last night and more is in the forecast for tonight and tomorrow. I love to look at it but I hate having to drive in it. Lacy and Nemo have been laying on the bed by the window and taking it all in and now they are having a snooze together up there. I'm so glad I got the two of them together cause they sure love each other! If we get and nice heavy snow falling I'll take Lacey out for a walk and a play in it.

I go and see the liver doc on Wednesday and am not really looking forward to that. My last counts are back on the climb upwards but I had been under alot of stress with one job ending and another starting so don't know if that has anything to do with it or not. Well I'm going to add a few pictures if blogger will let me and will blog again after I see the doctor on Wednesday.

Well again today blogger will not show the pictures so I'll post to photobucket!

http://s89.photobucket.com/albums/k207/Axazwrath/October%202006/

Bloodwork

2006-11-02T05:58:00.000-08:00

Oct 20/05 ALT 112 AST 70 Bili 11
Dec 16/05 ALT 107
Mar 01/06 ALT 96 AST 61 Bili 12
Nov 1/06 ALT 130 AST 85 Bili 11

I don't bother asking what the rest of the counts are and probably shouldn't bother asking the bili either because I don't know what normal is.

Started the ball rolling again

2006-10-28T13:24:00.000-07:00

I finally made a doctor appointment and went and got my bloodwork done. Results next week. I also talked to my doctor again about seeing the specialist and he thinks it's a good idea and made me an appointment for the 29th of November. Last year the specialist wanted me to start treatment in January to take full advantage of a years worth of pharmacare. When I canceled the appointment a week before I was to start treatment, I never spoke to the doctor and haven't been back since. What worries me is that when I cancelled he took me off all his lists for new drug trials etc. So my plan is to go and see the doctor and discuss the whole situation with him and see what he has in mind. Even if I hold off on treatment for the time being I still want to be on any lists for drug trials and if he can come up with a way for me to do treatment right now then I'll go for that as well. So I've got the ball rolling again and I'll see how it goes from here.

The days fly by

2006-10-25T08:43:00.000-07:00

I'm back :) For awhile I just wasn't into updating and didn't feel like I had anything to say. All is good but lots has happened in the last little while. Let's see........... after I got back from my trip to the island all I really wanted to do was figure out how to get myself moved over there. I still would like to make the move but there are so many other things to worry about right now that it is on the back burner for a few years. My family is here and so is my Hep C doctor. My friends and my complete support system are here. Also at the time my job was here but there was talk that we might fold.

When we went to work for the tree farm the place was already set up, the equipment bought and the contracts etc signed so we really had not much control over how the initial money was spent. The tree spade truck they bought was not what we needed and in many cases would not work for what we wanted. The monthly expenses were huge and we could not bring in enough to cover them consistently let alone make a profit so the owner was putting money in from another business they have. Just around the end of summer he told us he could not put any more money in to keep us running and it was either make or break time. We were banking heavily on our CanWest Trade show to bring in some orders. While we did garner alot of interest and many phone calls regarding the tree relocation end of the business it did not give us any huge orders for trees. It did though have several other tree places offering us jobs.

Jude talked to the owner in September after the show and asked him to give us one more month to see if we got anything coming up from the trade show and so we could regroup and decide what to do. Basically we 4 decided it was time to fold the business or at least for the 4 of us to bow out and leave it to the owner to decide what he wanted to do. Last Friday was my last day and today is the day that Jude is meeting with the owner to finalize her resignation. I have a new job to go to (Jude's brother's company was just in the process of finding someone for their office) and Jude is planning on taking a few weeks to decide what she wants to do. The guys are done as well and have plans so we are all doing fine and are happy with what we did accomplish there.

Jude and I both are of the school that thinks that each thing we do is a learning experience that teaches us and gets us ready for the next chapter in life whatever it may be. I will be starting my new job either this coming Monday or the following one. It will be a one girl office thing again which I like and it will include bookkeeping, reception, webpaging and most of what I was doing at the tree farm minus the physical labour. This is a good thing! I'm not sure yet whether or not I can take Lacey to work with me each day or not, I have to go and scope things out and see. Things may be dicey there for awhile as the girl that was doing the books was the salesman's wife and he is not going to be a happy camper that they are letting her go. But one day at a time and we'll see how it goes. If need be I can always find another job.

What I really should be doing is starting treatment but I can't chance being too sick to work when I have bills coming in each month and no income to pay them. I'm also starting to worry that Al might be waiting for a year to pass (January) and then he can file for a no fault divorce and then I won't have medical or dental any longer either. Again, one day at a time and we'll see what happens and deal with it when it comes up.

I don't hear from Al or contact him at all. I don't talk about him and I try not to think about him. It still upsets me and throws me into a blue funk for a few days. I had a set-to with Josh (middle son) a month ago and he said that he feels like he shouldn't mention Al and that the other boys don't see him much so it leaves it to Josh to see him and then he feels like I am mad at him for spending so much time there. Christmas was also a looming horror show for me and I had talked to my mom and we were considering going away for Christmas this year and then I thought No, I can't just abandon the kids and it was time to start making my own traditions and so I asked Mom if she would come out here for a few days over Christmas and spend it here with me and she said yes. So I decided to let the kids know early what my plans were so they could then set their own plans regarding where they were going to go etc. I said that anyone that wanted to come for Christmas dinner was welcome to do so but that I needed a head count. Mom will be here Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and I'll take her home on Boxing Day. Well Josh said I was monopolizing Christmas and maybe he would have Christmas dinner with Dad so he wouldn't be alone. Then the next time it came up he denied saying it. I told him it was up to him what he wanted to do! The upshot of the whole deal was he and I had taken the dog for a walk when he wanted to get into a big discussion as to why I was so touchy about Dad etc. I ended up crying most of the walk, all the way home and then had nightmares about Al all night long. I wrote Josh an email and basically just layed it all out.

I told him I have worked very hard for the last 8 months to make a life for myself and to try and put Al and all he did behind me and yes it bothers me to hear about him or from him. I've asked Josh numerous times to keep it to himself. I've never asked the boys not to see Al or said anything bad to them about him. I've kept a good deal of it to myself and to this blog so that I don't influence the boys and their feelings regarding him. The fact that Dave and Ryan don't see him that often is not my fault or my problem. I didn't create this situation, Al did. He has to deal with the consequences of what he set in motion. As far as Christmas goes I set my plans and let the rest of them know early so they could set theirs and make arrangements to see Al whenever they wanted to. The only thing I ask of him is to please respect my feelings and don't talk to me about him. Since then he has been very good about not bringing the subject up and we are doing just fine.

I had a bit of a bad spell on Thanksgiving. Dave and Allie asked Ryan and Josh and I to their place for Thanksgiving Dinner along with some of their other friends and we went and had a very nice time. I had a blue spell and shed a few tears when I got home and really tried to analyze what I was so upset about and it finally dawned on me that mostly I was feeling bad for Al and all he has thrown away. Another holiday goes by and he is not included. I started to feel guilty that the kids didn't invite him because they know it upsets me but I can't control how I am feeling and yes it does upset me to be around him so I would have just bowed out and not gone. I don't know what to do about this or how to make it better for him or the kids. All I can do is be honest and continue along trying to make my life the way I want it.

Nemo and Lacey are doing great and are such good company. I still haven't made a doctor's appointment and had counts taken but I will have to go soon in any case as it is time for the flu shots. I'll talk to the doctor then and see where I'm at.

Jude and Lynne and I went to Celista at the beginning of October and saw the beginning of the Adams River Salmon Run. I used to live in Celista and Sue and Peter still live up there so the girls and I went up and had a great weekend with them. They have a cabin on the property that we stayed in. It comes complete with furniture, stove and fridge, hot tub, dishes and bedding. Really all we needed to bring was clothes and food. After we got back I got an email from Sue saying she had been to have a biopsy on a lump in her neck but hadn't wanted to tell me about it and worry me for no good reason. I got a call from her husband on the weekend and she just got the results back and she has lymphoma. That is really all any of us know at this point as she is waiting to hear from the oncologist and the cancer clinic. I guess I have a new chemo angel job! Jude and Lynne as well are going to send her some cards and emails and help keep her spirits up.

We go to see James Blunt on the 5th of November so we are pretty stoked about that and then Jude and I are going to the island on the November long weekend (my birthday) to see her and now my friend Barb. She is a great person and has had such a string of bad luck this last year. In a nutshell she started having seizures for no good reason and had to have all the testing etc which she did. They are just calling it unexplained seizure disorder and she is on anti-seizure medication but the upshot of that was that she had her drivers license taken away until she is 6 months with no seizures. So she decided to get a bike to get around while she had no drivers license. She took the dog on a leash and went out front of her house to try out the brand new bike and the dog bolted and she flew over the handlebars and split open her head and broke both of her elbows! She couldn't do much of anything and it totally sucked. Anyway she made it through 6 weeks of recovery and on the day the doctor gave her the go ahead to go back to work part time she stepped off her porch on her way to work and over she went and broke her ankle! So another 6 weeks off work and a cast on her leg and arms that still could not lift anything of any weight. She has just started back to work finally in the last few weeks and is doing ok but is really looking forward to our visit.

Well that brings me pretty much up to date. The rest of this week off for sure and maybe next and then a new job. Oh, I bought a new computer desk and a flat screen monitor last weekend. I love them both. I'll try to get a picture up.

I have no idea why blogger won't let me upload pictures so here is a link

http://s89.photobucket.com/albums/k207/Axazwrath/October%202006/

Bonnie Gale

2006-09-01T21:25:00.000-07:00

http://www.canada.com/vancouverisland/courierislander/story.html?id=9cd2eb1b-aa95-40d8-8723-abb909d7718a

Mom found the story of the boat fire online so thought I'd post it.

Crew escapes as gillnetter burns, sinks off Middle Point

Dan MacLennan, Courier-IslanderPublished: Wednesday, August 30, 2006

A Ladner-based gillnetter burned and sank off Middle Point Saturday evening but the crew managed to escape the flames, a Coast Guard official said Monday.

The Bonnie Gale, a 38-foot gillnetter built in Richmond in 1972, caught fire shortly before 5:30 p.m. Saturday.

"It sounds like an engine room fire," said Coast Guard cutter Point Race Capt. Geoff Sanders. "The Island Wild, the new Waywest Water Taxi was first on scene, and got the people off."

The Coast Guard responded first with its rigid-hull inflatable PR-1.

"We sent the Zodiac ahead to check for injuries and then we followed up with the Point Race and worked on the fire once we found out that the people were fine," Sanders said.

The tug Seymour Crown and crew was among the other vessels to offer assistance.

The fire was put out by roughly 7 p.m. and a line was attached to the smoldering hull. The Point Race crew tried to tow the vessel into shore near Middle Point, where a Campbell River Fire Department crew was standing by. Sanders was hoping to beach the boat so that any fuel could be recovered, but that was not to be.

"We managed to get the fire out, but the hull was badly damaged by the fire and something gave way and we just couldn't keep up with the water anymore so it went down," Sanders said.
The Bonnie Gale went under shortly after 8 p.m. in about 300 feet of water.

Sanders said there had been no reports of oil or fuel slicks in the area. It's possible most of the oil and fuel burned in the fire.

© Courier-Islander (Campbell River) 2006

I'm adding some more pictures of the fire to photobucket.

http://s89.photobucket.com/albums/k207/Axazwrath/Bonnie%20Gale/

Going Home

2006-08-28T06:22:00.000-07:00

I've just had the most wonderful weekend. I'm tired this morning and should be getting ready to head to work but I'm still sitting here and trying to figure out how to get myself moved over to Vancouver Island. I really do love it over there and it would be as close to Loughborough as I could get.

My grandpa had a logging company in the late 30's and early 40's. He expanded and had 3 logging companies and somewhere along the way he went broke so in '44 he went to work for the Booth Logging Company up in Loughborough Inlet at Heydon Bay. My grandma went with him and my mom was a young teen and stayed one last year in Vancouver with relatives and then she also went up to Loughborough. She married my dad who was also working up there as the camp mechanic in 1949 and I was born in November of 1950. She came out to Vancouver and stayed with her cousin and had me at Vancouver General Hospital and then brought me back. The only way in then and now was by boat or float plane. Back in those days it was the Union Steam Ship and that is how she brought me home. In 1953 she did the same thing and brought home my brother.

This last weekend we went back. We chartered a water taxi out of Campbell River and had the most perfect man captain us up there. He was born (a week before me!) in Campbell River and lived all his life up there. He was a captain on the BC Ferries for 31 years until he retired last year and now he does this basically for fun and over the summer months. He is employed by the nice young fellow at WayWest Water Taxi's in Campbell River. (If given half a chance I could be very interested in this man! It at least showed me I could be interested in a man again) So he took us up there and it was a trip of a lifetime. He said we were doing something that most people talk about doing and never actually do, going back to where we came from.

As wonderful as it was to see it ourselves it was my Mom's face that really made it for me. It brought back so many memories for her, some really bad but lots really good. My grandpa's ashes were scattered there when he died in 1950. The Campbell River Indian Band now has the land and we had contacted them and asked permission to go up. The chief was very nice and he in turn contacted the fellow up there to tell him we were coming. As we pulled in this speed boat came screaming out to basically challenge us it seemed but when we explained who we were and the chief had given permission etc he said yes the chief was his cousin and had phoned to say we were coming but he was on his way into Campbell River but we could go on in and check things out. He said someone else had been up about 5 years earlier and had brought some pictures and they were on the wall of the cookhouse. We all hopped off and headed up the dock but the captain of our boat stayed back and chatted with the guy and showed him mom's pictures she had brought with us and he asked if mom could leave her phone number so he could contact her and hear some of the history of the place etc. We left our number and mom is going to get some of the pictures copied and enlarged and send them up to him.

We made our way up to the cookhouse and found the pictures on the wall and mom recognized the lady in the first picture and knew who the fellow was that had been there 5 years ago. My brother was moving down the line of pictures and pointed to another and said to Mom, "Do you know who she is?" and mom looked at it and goes. "That's me!" It was incredible and it felt so right to be there. I was 4 when we left and even though I didn't specifically remember the place I did feel like it was coming home. A weird feeling of it just being right. The captain was telling us he was reading this book and it was saying when and where we are born there is a specific magnetic pull and when you go back you sometimes can fee the rightness of where you are and really to me when I get on the ocean and see the mountains and the trees it is just right and it always feels like I'm where I should be.

I have pictures of me on the logging road in front of our house and by accident I stood in basically the same spot and took a picture down the road and the scenery is exactly the same. Amazing to see. Lots more to say but really do need to get moving today and head off to work. We rescued a couple of guys off a burning fishboat on the way back. That was also amazing. As they leaped from their burning boat onto ours the flames were burning through the open doorway of the cabin. All they got off with was the clothes on their backs and their survival suits clutched in their hands. I'll add more tonight but here's a couple of pictures. OK well blogger is not cooperating and will not allow me to upload any pictures so I'll have to try a different approach. Let me work on this ....................

Well in the mean time here is a picture of the where I came from and also a picture of the burning boat.

http://s89.photobucket.com/albums/k207/Axazwrath/?action=view&current=4fd26fdb.jpg

I just realized it shows in an album on there and you can click through the pics so I will label them as I go and you can click through them all. It will probably take me a couple of days to get them all up.

Feeling great

2006-08-17T06:13:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling so much better and so much stronger this week. Without realizing it I think my looming anniversary was really getting to me and I had a few bad weeks beforehand. But the day passed and I am fine.

This Saturday I am going to try and make it up to an old friends house. We went to school together and actually met sitting in the counsellors office in grade 8. We were both in trouble of course and waiting to be yelled at. We bonded lol

She had her twin boys 6 months before I had my first son and they were buddies when little. She had 4 kids, the twin boys, another boy and finally a little girl. We stayed in touch up until about 10 years ago and have reconnected in the last 6 months. One of the twins who now lives in Japan is here with his wife and Linda is having an family get together on Saturday and wants me to bring Lacey and come. I am going to try my best to get up there and see the kids.

I think tonight Ryan and I are going to go and see a movie and then next weekend is my weekend on the island with my brother and his wife and my mom. That is going to be a lot of fun too. Lacey is coming of course. Oh yeah..............last Friday was D-Day for the animals and both headed off to the vet to be fixed. Poor babies and poor me. I was a nervous wreck and was sure something bad was going to happen to at least one of them if not both. But they were both fine and the challenge this week has been to keep Lacey clean and not let her jump into the pond or dig and roll in the dirt at work and then last night I was in the bath and she suddenly leaped up and over and into the tub with me. Shocked us both I think. I don't know what she thought I was doing in there but I don't think she suspected it had to do with a tub full of water. In any rate I caught her before she sunk and managed to get her out pretty quick but then she was half wet and running all over the bathroom. But oh well, she was happy and she made me laugh and the bathroom was easy to clean :)

I'm thinking of taking some kind of night course this winter and am just waiting for all the lists of classes to come out. I've also started knitting again basically because I want to make Lacey a few sweaters and of course Lily (Jude's dog) will need a few as well. It is pretty cold at work over the winter with cement floors and all. Lacey has a bed at work of course as does Lily but still they are down there and it is darn cold so a few nice warm work sweaters will be good. Then of course if that works out they will need a couple of nice sweaters for when they go out when they aren't at work.................yes yes I know but who the hell cares!! If I want to knit sweaters for my dog I'll knit sweaters for my dog and she will be very well dressed too!

Well it's off to work for me. After I get back from the island I'm going to make a doctor's appointment and get my liver function tests and see where I'm at there and then I guess I'll make an appointment with the liver specialist and see if he has any drug trial's looming and keep my name in there. As to treatment well we'll see how it all plays out with work and everything else.

August 10, 1977

2006-08-10T09:02:00.000-07:00

Today is my 29th wedding anniversary. This morning on my way to work I was trying to remember how I felt on that day 29 years ago. It's funny but I don't remember any overwhelming feelings of love or passion. My friend took the kids the night before and we got up in the morning and got dressed and headed out with our witnesses to the office of the marriage registrar in New Westminster and were married in about 5 minutes flat. We then went to the beach for the day just across the border in the US and bought some bottles of cheap wine.....way too much cheap wine. I remember waking up pretty hung over the next day and don't exactly remember coming home the night before. Then we picked up the kids and life went on just as it had in the weeks and months before, the only difference was we were legal.

It's strange to think I also brought Hep C along with 2 kids into the marriage. For 13 years I didn't know it but it was there lurking and waiting and quietly doing it's damage, sapping my energy and making me a different person than I would be today if it hadn't come along for the ride.

What did Al bring to the marriage? Well he was 22 years old and had just been released from a federal prison. We met in a bar just down the street from his half-way house 5 months before we got married. He says now that he doesn't think he ever loved me and we probably wouldn't have got married if I hadn't had the kids already. His parents died in a car accident that he and his sister were also hurt in, on their way to Disneyland when he was 9 years old. They got hit by a drunk driver. He layed in emergency with broken arms and legs and watched them pronounce them dead. He lived with older brothers that didn't really want him until he became a runaway at 16. He got into trouble after trouble until he turned 19 and then he robbed a bank and got sent away to a federal prison. I met him when he was on his way out. We were both so young and so fucked up. Both of us from bad places before we met each other. He says that he thinks I was a mother figure to him and that he desperately wanted a built in family so he married me.

I really don't think when he says these things he realizes or intentionally sets out to hurt me the way he does, I think he is not thinking about me at all, just the pain he finds himself in. 29 years. Gone and wasted. We do have a wonderful son from the union. He did help me raise the boys. I've grown and learned. Maybe we both served a purpose in each others lives. I don't know. I do know that I never would have left him or the marriage. Not because I loved him too much but because I never could have hurt him that way. So what does that say. Did I love him or was I wanting to fix him and give him a stable life with a family? I don't know anymore. Maybe some day it will all be clear to me what my feelings and motivations were. I thought I loved him and I thought he loved me.

Quebec & Ottawa

2006-07-24T07:47:00.000-07:00

I've been back a week and getting back into the swing of things both at home and at work. Lacey stayed with Jude and Ed and their two dogs, Wilson an Airdale and Lily the Miniature Schnauzer that comes to work with us everyday. I knew she would be fine with them and have a good time with the other dogs and that is exactly what I wanted for her but I was still stressed about leaving her and was worried she would have such a good time she wouldn’t want to come home again. I know how stupid that sounds but there ya go. She was fine and was very happy to see me when I got home.

Nemo on the other hand I wasn’t worried about as he was at home safe and sound and had Ryan with him to continue his routine and make sure he was fed etc. Well Nemo went into a snit and every day when Ryan got home, Nemo had torn up paper and spread it all over the apartment. The first day he got on the table and got all the paper napkins and shredded them all over the place. The next day he got the roll of paper out of Ryan’s bathroom and shredded it all over the apartment. And so it went. When I got home he had one more shredding fit with the toilet paper in my bathroom. I guess that was his final “screw you!!!! Go away and leave me and see what happens!!”

When I got home late on the Saturday night I opened the door and put Lacey down and she and Nemo took one startled look at each other and then threw themselves at each other and rolled into a ball playing and chasing each other around the apartment for half an hour. They were so happy to see each other. He was happy to see me too but he really missed his buddy. They are back to normal and Lacey is making sure she gets all the treats and stealing all of Nemo’s. I have to give him his treat up high where Lacey can’t reach it or it’s gone.

So the trip…….. Well it was very nice to go and see my brother and my niece. She is very bilingual and did a lot of translating for me in stores and such. My brother has been married to his current wife for 4 years. A year ago they split up for a bit and then got back together again. Last winter they bought a beautiful little house on a lake not too far from Mt. Trembant. It has a wrap around porch and hardwood floors. Very cute. Well I guess just before we got there they had been fighting a lot and by the time we got there they were on the verge of breaking up again. It was not very comfortable. The wife is French and basically pretended she couldn’t understand most of what we said. Thank god she worked most of the days we were there so we did get a break from it all. Her son who is 27 is staying with them was very nice to us. He has quite a bit of English so he spent some time trying to teach us some stuff and translating for his mother.

Lots more to that story but not my story to tell. Suffice it to say that after we left they had the discussion and have called it quits. They will sell the house and both go their separate ways. Steve has been talking about maybe coming home to BC now that Gabrielle is 10 and can fly out for summers and holidays. He shares custody of her and gets her on all holidays and for 2 out of every 3 weekends. We’ll see what happens, but it would be nice to see him home again although I know how much he would miss Gabrielle and I’m not sure how well she would take him moving away.

I thoroughly enjoyed my time spent with Gabrielle. She is a lovely young lady and very smart and pretty with waist length hair. The lake was very warm and we swam lots and then I would brush out her hair for her. We played with beads and she spent quite a bit of time plugged into my discman listening to the disc I had made for the trip. I made her a disc and am mailing it today with all her favourite songs. She cried when we left and as I stood there and watched Mom and Steve hug and say their goodbyes I had this flash of “this might be the last time he ever sees Mom”. It really made me think about how old she is getting (75) and so I’ve been making sure I call her each day and chat for awhile. Spending that week with her also made me realize she is getting elderly. She just doesn’t have the energy or stamina anymore for long days or stressful situations.

We flew out of Vancouver at 9:10 on Saturday morning on WestJet which was very nice. The plane wasn’t full and we had our row of three seats to ourselves. Mom let me have the window seat as I wanted to take pictures and she really didn’t care if she had a window seat since she flew back 4 years ago when Steve got married. It is a five hour flight and was uneventful. TV in the back of the seats, headphones and carts to bring around drinks (pop, coffee, water, tea etc) and snacks. You buy sandwiches from them if you want more. I’ve never been across Canada and even though everyone tells you how flat the prairies are you just don’t grasp it until you see it for yourself. From the air it is totally flat with patchwork areas of farmed fields growing different crops. Manitoba when you go over has hundreds of little lakes. Coming into Laval airport you could see the smog. It was almost like a purple/brown line in the air with gorgeous deep blue sky above and haziness below.

With landing at Laval we never actually went into Montreal. You fly over it to land but then when we got our luggage, we headed north towards Mt. Tramblant. Lots of very pretty little towns and really you could pretend you were in BC in most areas and not know the difference. We have higher mountains but theirs are quite a bit older than ours. I loved all the little farm houses most with wrap around porches. We headed to St. Jovite and had dinner there and got a few groceries and headed home to Steve’s. Ginette worked that day until 11 pm so didn’t really see her until the next morning. She was cool but polite. Anyway we headed to Gabrielle’s to pick her up and saw her Mom and their new house. Had a nice visit and then headed back to Steve’s for a swim in the lake.

Monday we headed up to the mountain. Reminded me quite a bit of Whistler. I took Gabrielle to the Build a Bear and we picked out a new puppy to go with her puppy that daddy got her 2 years ago from the same place. The old dog was Rosy and so she picked Rosy and friend and called her Roxy. We had to get them both an outfit or two of course and then she spent the next couple of days making them very pretty collars from my beads. We toured the town and then headed home to a Lobster dinner to celebrate Steve and Philippe’s birthday (that is the wife’s son) which was on the Tuesday. Tuesday we were into St. Jovite for some groceries and a walking tour of the town. I really liked St. Jovite. An old town with lots of nice old buildings and a thriving night life with outdoor café’s and bars. Took a lot out of Mom though as it was very hot and humid. Back for a quiet evening and early to bed as we were heading to Ottawa the next day. The wife elected to stay home which considering the tension by that time, we were very happy about.

Because Steve works for the Fairmont chain we got a very good rate at the Chateau Laurier in Ottawa. It is a very old luxurious hotel right in downtown Ottawa, next to the locks and then the parliament buildings. They gave us a corner room on the bottom floor with a sitting room area in it. Very nice! Gabrielle kept saying, “Aunty they are treating us like royalty!” We headed out and got the Greyline Tour bus which we thought was the best way to see Ottawa as we had no idea of where anything was. The tour bus was an open double decker bus and we sat up top right in the front so we could hear and see everything. The tour guide checked to see who was English and who was French and as it turned out we were all English so he only had to do it in one language. We saw all the stuff we’ve heard about on the news for years. The parliament buildings, Rideau Canal and River, the RCMP musical ride horses, barns and fields, the Governor-General’s residence, the Prime Ministers residence along with many of the embassies and museums. The American embassy was interesting to see. They have a huge cement building that looks like a fortress, surrounded by a high wrought iron fence. Then a sidewalk and that is then surrounded by high thick metal pylons and that is then surrounded by huge cement abutments. I can understand why they are nervous but really it seemed overkill to me.

After the tour we headed back to the hotel and had a drink and a cleanup and then headed out again. As it happened there was a boat in the locks getting ready to go through so we got to watch the whole process. Very interesting and still done by hand cranking after all these years. Then on to the parliament buildings. Very glad I got to see them up close. Very beautiful and old.

Well I’m at work and better get back to it. Will finish this later.

It's HOT!!

2006-06-26T08:35:00.000-07:00

We aren't used to the blistering heat at this end of the country and it's 32 degrees here and we are sweltering. Lacey has been wrapping herself around the cold toilet base in my bathroom and Nemo is sleeping in the sink. At least he seems comfortable. I know how much the heat bothers Lacey and I don't have air conditioning in my car or my apartment so I have come up with a system for her. I went to the dollar store and bought some small hot water bottles. I keep 2 in the car and 2 in the apartment. I put them in the fridge and she sleeps on them. We have a revolving system where when we get ready to leave for work in the morning we take the two on her pillow on the bed and put them in the fridge. The ones in the car are cool from the underground parking garage and she has a bed in the car with a snuggly blanket in it and then the 2 water bottles side by side in the bed. She just hops right across the seat and leaps into her bed and settles down. When we get to work we take them in with us and throw them in the fridge there for the day and then at the end of the day when the ride home is sweltering she is as comfy as can be. She just gets on them and curls up and sleeps all the way home. Before I came up with that she hated the hot car and would move constantly trying to find a cool spot, panting and whining. No more! Now she is a comfy puppy with her own private waterbeds!

She went to the groomer yesterday and got some bows in her ears. Last time I took her she got some really pretty purple bows and I brought her home and set her down to get the camera and Nemo took one look at those bows and ripped them out immediately so this time I got at least one picture before Nemo saw them. They didn't last long but looked cute while they lasted. Today is her vet appointment to get her last set of shots and then all that's left is getting her spayed in a couple of months. Nemo too, I'm going to get him neutered as soon as he is old enough. I'll look into it as soon as I get home from Quebec. Two weeks!

Mom has made the arrangements for the trip to Loughbourough. I had forgotten but grandpa's ashes were scattered there. The land belongs to the Campbell River First Nation and we have contacted them and the chief said no problem about stopping there and having a look. They are working on a Salmon enhancement program there now so it should be interesting. Both the hotel and the charter boat will allow Lacey so I'm happy. We are booked for the weekend of the 26th of August. So something else to look forward to.

I'm feeling good and we are busy at work. With just the four of us there I have been taking care of the Nursery and am outside a good portion of the day so I'm getting brown and blonder. I am trying to remember to drink water and not just pop. I look pretty funny when I'm weeding. I sit on a nursery wagon we have and push a wheelbarrow ahead of me up and down the rows of potted trees. Lacey sits behind me on the wagon and we can cover a fair amount of ground in a day. I weed, prune and check the drip lines as I go. Lacey loves the weeds with dirt on the ends and will grab the occasional one and shake dirt everywhere. She hops into some of the pots and pulls a few of her own and then back behind me on the wagon. I have a bowl back there for her that I keep water in and we are a good pair. If I am in the sun too much I'll take her inside and put her to bed in my office area on the cool cement floor for awhile. She usually hates being left behind but when she's had enough there are no complaints from her and she just curls up and sleeps for awhile. As you can tell she consumes a lot of my time and thoughts and that's good. Our baby fish and getting bigger and nobody ate them. They managed to hide in the plants long enough to get big.

The heat is climbing and is already 34 today. I just got a plastic bowl and put a couple of ice cubes in it for Nemo and he is happily playing with that in the middle of the kitchen floor. Lacey is back to hugging the toilet but for me it's time to get dressed and get her ready to go to the vet for her shots. Then a nice walk in the park before it gets really hot and then home for a quiet afternoon and then back to work tomorrow. This is a 4 day week for me then we get the long weekend and another 4 day week and then I'm off for the week. All is good here and I am feeling really upbeat and happy. I do much better we no association with Al. He emailed me to say he is broke and can no longer give me any support so now I don't think I'll hear from him much at all. It's probably better that way although I will miss the extra $400 a month he was giving me. Oh well. I can take care of myself and I will!

TGIF

2006-06-16T14:41:00.000-07:00

Well another week is almost over and it's only 3 weeks till I go to Quebec. The time has sure flown by. I went out clothes shopping last week and had a blast! Got a bunch of new tank tops and capri pants among other things. I go tomorrow and get my hair cut and streaked and I'll be all set.

My mom wants to make a trek back to where we were living when my brother Willy and I were born. My grandpa had a logging company on the west coast in one of the inlets that was and still is only accessible by boat or seaplane. My mom went there as a teen and that is where she met my father and they got married. When she had me she flew out a few weeks early and stayed with family in Vancouver and I was born at VGH as was my brother but then she flew back in with us when we were still tiny.

There wasn't much there except the logging camp and a main road and float houses. I have a few pictures and our course a few stories that I was told over the years. Such as, I was a child that hated clothes. Mom would get me dressed as a two year old and put me out in the front yard to play while she did a bit of housework. Pretty soon she would hear the logging trucks toot tooting as they went by and she'd go and check and there I would be, start naked, swinging on the front gate waving at the trucks as they went by. It's funny too cause all three of my kids would shed their clothes and run naked first chance they got.

The other thing I hated was being locked in the yard. They kept building higher and higher fences and mom would go out and I'd be gone. The last time over a 6' fence. Somehow I always managed to take my cocker spaniel with me too. Mom would go and look up the road and Richard ( the dog) would be sitting outside whose ever yard it was I had made it to. I liked to visit. She'd go and haul us back home again.

The other story I heard over and over was how mom and nana (her mom) had taken me out for a walk in my stoller down the gravel road when out of the bush came a mother black bear and cub. My mother took one look and headed running down the road the way she had come as fast as she could and left me behind sitting in the stroller looking at the bears. I always did like animals. Nana grabbed the stroller and dragged it backwards down the road running along behind mom.

Anyway we left there when I was 3 and William was a baby and none of us ever went back. Mom has been wanting to go back and see it again and Willy and I would love to see it. So mom has been looking into charters and the logistics of this and it is definitely do-able. It would be Mom, Willy and Joy (his wife) and the puppy and I. Everything would be split 4 ways and we would go over on the ferry to the island on a Friday after work and drive up to Courtenay and spend the night there. The next morning we would drive up to Campbell River and get our charter and head to Loughbourough Inlet and Hayden Bay. It is a 2 hour trip up and we'd stay an hour and then 2 hours back. Then we could spend a few hours in Campbell River and maybe have dinner there and then back to Courtenay for the night and then home on the ferry on Sunday in time to go back to work on the Monday morning. All told without meals it would cost us about $250 each. So we are aiming for sometime in either August or September depending on how booked up the charter place is. It really sounds like fun and will be a nice trip up the coast of BC. I'll take a ton of pictures.

I'm feeling pretty good, just very tired. At least one night a week and sometimes 2, I get home, have a quick dinner and then fall asleep and nap most of the evening. I get up long enough to take the puppy to pee and then back to bed and I sleep through the night. Oh, forgot, for Christmas Jude and I both got 1 hour full body massages for the European Day Spa and we haven't used them yet. So the Thursday before I leave for Quebec we are booked in for our massages and we are also going to get our eyebrows waxed. I've never had anything waxed so this should be interesting. When I get home from Quebec I plan on going back to see my family doctor and getting my bloodwork done and see where I'm at.

The kitten and the puppy are both doingvery well and the puppy loves going back and forth to work with me. She's a great traveller and just hops in her bed and sleeps while the car is running. When I turn the car off she stands up and stretches and hops into my lap and waits to get out. She's very sweet and very smart so far. She is a bully with the cat but he can get away if he wants and he doesn't so he can't mind it too much. Oh and I have baby fish! My platy has had babies and by the time we saw them there were 3. There are still 3 and they are hiding in the plants and growing. If they get seen they will get eaten by the other fish but so far so good.

Well I'm off. I have to hit the bank on my way home from work and then I am planning on having a very quiet evening. Big sale here at work tomorrow and then I have my hair appointment after work. I'll be ready for a restfull weekend.

Lacey and Nemo

2006-06-11T19:55:00.000-07:00

These two little animals make my days so much brighter. I can't tell you how often they make me laugh at their antics. Today they were playing in the livingroom and I took a few pictures. Lacey of course had to come right over and see what I was doing. She is with out a doubt the smartest dog I've ever had. I've paper trained her for the apartment and she goes outside when at work. I also have an area on the patio that I'm working on training her to go in. I have paper in three areas and she goes there without mistake the last week. Today I lifted the paper in the bathroom to sweep and she came in and looked around, hopped into the kitty litter pan and peed there and hopped out and went on about her day. I hope she keeps it up. It would sure make things easier if she uses it all the time in the apartment. Nemo doesn't seem to care either although he is very interested in the toilet lately and watches me like a hawk when I'm in there and is up on the toilet seat watching as I flush. If he starts using the toilet.........well let's just say it would be amazing!

4 weeks until Quebec! I'm getting excited. I've never flown that far before. I've never been east of Edmonton or south of Portland, OR so this will definitely be an experience. We are going to spend a night in Ottawa and see the sites there too. Mom was there a few years ago with Pat before he died and they took a bus tour of Ottawa and her and I will probably do the same. I'm planning on taking a ton of pictures. I'm feeling pretty good and will go for LFT when I get back. It's 3 months since the last set so I'm due. I am hoping I can hold out til winter to do anything. In the mean time I'm doing good.

Soul baring

2006-06-05T12:58:00.000-07:00

So here is where I find myself. I am going to write it all down because first, it may help me to get it written down and second, if you are reading this, you don't know me so it is safe to do so.

Do I want him back? No
Would I still be in the marriage if he hadn't left? Yes

When Al left I was devastated and taken completely by surprise. We hadn't fought and we weren't mad at each other. He just left. I didn't yell and scream, I wrote emails because he couldn't or wouldn't talk to me so I wrote emails. I tried to be supportive and understanding of what he said he was going through. I had brief flareups of anger but for the most part I kept it hidden from him.

Then I found the email that asked for a room for two with a large jacuzzi tub etc and immediately phoned him. I asked him if he was with the lady he had been driving back and forth to work. He said yes. For weeks everyone had been telling me he must be having an affair. The kids, my mom, all my friends and finally the family doctor when I talked to him and explained why I wasn't going ahead with the treatment plan. I kept saying No he says he isn't and I believe him. He wouldn't do that. He is depressed and on and on. So when he said yes he was with Denise I felt so betrayed and hurt not only because he was having an affair but also because he let me believe for so long that he was depressed and working towards getting it together etc.

At that point all I wanted was to try and find an apartment and get away from the house. I was so torn because of the dogs. I knew I couldn't take them both with me but I was hoping I could at least find a place that would let me keep Keesha. The apartment I found that took animals did not take dogs her size. So I had to leave the animals behind and that also broke my heart. Keesha was my baby girl and she was 11 years old and I wasn't sure what Al would do about them. As it turned out he moved back into the house and is keeping both of the dogs.

After I got moved I emailed him and said before I move on with things I need to know that this is what you want. I need to know I've done everything I can to fix things. I also told him I would not spend the rest of my life alone and I wanted him to really thing about how he will feel if and when I do move on. He emailed me back and said yes this is what he wants and that he wanted to get together so we could talk and I could see the dogs etc. So we decided to meet on a Saturday morning and go for a walk. We did and he again reiterated that he needed to be alone and that he was alone. I asked him what about Denise? He said they had never been together other than friends. I said then why did you tell me you were with her? He said because I was yelling at him. I asked him about the hotel room etc and he said that a friend of theirs from work named Donna had moved to the island a year ago (which I did know about) and she was getting married and the gang at work had got together and purchased them a hotel room for a week as a wedding present. Do I believe that and him? At this point I just don't know. Anyway the upshot of the walk was we would get together and walk the dogs and see what transpired.

We did that for a few weeks but it was very obvious to me that he was only doing it to appease me and that he really couldn't wait till the walk was over so he could get away. We chatted but for him it was all surface stuff. I would tell him what was going on with me and the kids and work etc and he would comment but offer nothing of his own. Not what he was doing or where he was going or anything. When pushed he would say he has a list of things he needs/wants to do and he was working on it.

After one of the walks I went home and stewed about the whole thing with Denise. I thought about the phone call I made to him and I hadn't yelled at him until after he told me he was now with Denise. I wanted to talk to him about it and as it happened he phoned and asked if he could borrow a disk I had so I said sure I'll bring it up to the house and I did. He was having a drink (every time I see him at the house he has been drinking either beer or hard liquor) I said I needed to talk and to clarify a few things. I asked him again about Denise. I said you were either lieing to me then or you are lieing to me now. He said there was no affair. So then I asked him why he would do that to me then. He knew how much it hurt me either way. Either because he was having an affair or because he had so little regard for my feelings and didn't care if he was hurting me. He said "I don't know. Maybe I was trying to make you mad at me and hate me." He said he is the bad guy in all of this. I wasn't mad and maybe he needed me to be mad. I said but didn't you give any thought to how much it hurt me for you to do this to me? I told him about everyone saying he must be having an affair and that I had someone tell me about the rumors that were flying around about him and Denise and still I said No No he wouldn't lie to me about it. He said "Yes, Denise and I were aware of the rumors and found them amusing" I just said "I didn't find them amusing" and he stopped grinning and said No but I didn't know you were aware of the rumors or I would have put a stop to the game we were playing. At that point I just went home.

I emailed him a few days later and said after talking to him and what he said about the non affair and he and Denise finding it amusing that I realized all over again that he is done and wants nothing more to do with me. He said he wants to remain friends and be the guy that I can come to for help with broken things or to get silly emails from. He wants to be able to tell me what's happening in his life and all that other stuff. So I have not emailed him and haven't called him and waited to see if he was going to contact me first. He hasn't. I get second hand info from the kids but really hear nothing from him. So again he's lied and given me nothing but lip service. Anything to appease.

So I find myself alone and sad lots of days. I don't want him back but it still hurts terribly that he would treat me the way he did. After 28 years of marriage all we had ever said we wanted was to be able to afford a place of our own and 3 days before he left we were in the process of buying a place. So I had to mourn that loss.

The whole deal with treatment and everything that the doctor said to us. Al was there and heard what I heard. Every year of treatment buys me three years. The disease is progressive. The doctor wanted me in treatment now. He said I don't want to see you in ten years in end stage liver disease when you could be doing treatment now. Al heard all that and two weeks before treatment was to start he left. So again another thing I had to deal with. Not only the lack of treatment but the lack of caring or concern on his part.

The loss of my family and my dogs was another stage of the pain that I had to work through. I miss us being together as a family with the kids coming to the house whenever. The loss of a companion as well. That best friend aspect that he was for me. I told him everything. All the little things of the day you save up to tell when you get home. I miss all that. I always thought in terms of us as little old people together. Me and my best friend. That is probably what I miss the most. I go places like shopping or the mall or park and I see old people or older couples walking and talking and I think what was so bad that he had to walk away from it like that. What did I do or not do that made this happen and then I think don't be stupid. I am not taking all the blame and I have no idea what is running through his head but the fact remains that these various strangers have managed to stay together and Al felt he couldn't stand to stay married to me for the rest of his life so...........why? He can't seem to tell me other than he feels something is missing and needs to figure out what it is.

So finally I have accepted that my marriage is over and we are done. It is painful. I look ahead and I can't see myself with anyone else. What I said to him about not spending the rest of my life alone was more to make him think about it and see if it bothered him at all that I may some day sleep with some other person and it obviously doesn't bother him. I guess what I still can't get past is how little he cared at the end to treat me the way he did with no apparent concern at all. I literally went from feeling loved and wanted and secure one day to totally unloved and abandoned the next. It was just so shocking and cold.

I have learned to control my thoughts and not think about it when I am at work or around family or friends. I stay busy busy busy. But sometimes the fear of the future and the fear of the disease gets to me and I have to shut myself away and have a cry. I have to trust that this too will pass. Somehow I will manage to do treatment, work and keep my life together. I know I have to get through all the crap and tears before I can be open to any new experiences that come my way and I try. It's hard. Everyone looks at me and thinks how strong I am and how well I am doing and how good I look. But inside I am afraid and hurt and now insecure. I have my puppy and kitten and they help keep my days full. They make me laugh. My baby girl Lacey is my little shadow and Nemo is a lovey boy that purrs and snuggles so I hold on to them and push the rest away as much as I can.

Lacey

2006-06-01T16:48:00.000-07:00

Well here I am 5 months later and lots has changed and lots has stayed the same. I am very busy at work and during the day I am occupied and my mind is on work. My blue times of day are the drives back and forth for some reason. Maybe that is the only time I can't keep busy and so my mind drifts and some days I suddenly realize I am driving along and tears are streaming down my face. Other than that I stay as busy as possible and try to stay as positive as possible.

I am loving the apartment with the dishwasher and hating that fact I no longer have a washer and dryer. So I guess we give up one convenience for another. The building has a laundry room and it costs $3 to wash and dry a load. I usually do 2 or three loads a week and Ryan does a load or two so it adds up quickly. The apartment itself has a space for a stacking washer and dryer so I may see if I can find a second hand set and buy it. But the dishwasher is wonderful!

I have thinned down my plants and trees on the balcony to what I really want to keep and that is much better as well. I have my swing glider love seat out there and it is very nice in the evenings. I also decided to look for a puppy. I've always wanted a lapdog type of dog but Al was never into a small dog. He wanted big dogs so that is what we got. I hated leaving the dogs behind and cried myself sick over it. I do have access to them and can go any day to see them if I like but it is painfully obvious that Al would be happier if I would just disappear so I don't go often as seeing him still upsets me. I thought I would start looking for a small dog and after I got back from Quebec get one.

I started with looking for a Papillion but they were definitely out of my price range. Then I went to the swap meet on Mother's Day and at the gate was a man and his daughter with a litter of Shih Tzu puppies. I am a sucker for puppies and they were adorable. The first one I picked up just snuggled right up and stole my heart. Her name is Lacey. Her birthday is the 12th of March so she is almost 2 weeks younger than Nemo. I brought her home and put her down and she walked over to Nemo and sat in front of him. His ears went back but he also just sat and looked at her. They were friends by the end of the day.

I take Lacey to work with me every day and when I get home at night her feet are running as I open the door. I put her down and Nemo is already running to meet her and they meet and roll into a ball of wrestling fur. They chase each other around and sleep together. Lacey chews on Nemo's ears and he boxes hers. I worry about her little buggy eyes and his claws as they get pretty exuberant in their play. Ryan says we are going to end up with a cat with no ears and a blind dog! Her best dog buddy is Lily at work and they have bonded also. Lacey is a pain in Lily's butt but when she gets to be too much I just put her to bed in my office area and give her a time out.

She insisted on sleeping between the rollers of my chair even though she has a basket bed there so Jude and I rigged her up a bed on top of the rollers of the chair. She loves it and climbs in and out herself and rides along when I push the chair around with my feet to get to various areas of the office. She also races all over the tree farm with me. The other day I was taking some pictures for an add that is appearing in a local gardening magazine and she suddenly leaped into the pond! I waited a sec to see what she would do next and she bobbed to the surface and swam over, climbed out, shook herself and went along her way. Funny little girl she is and I love her to pieces already. She is a great companion and I'm very happy I got her. She helps to keep my mind occupied and keep me busy.

Babies

2006-05-10T18:52:00.000-07:00

It has been very busy at work and we are working six days a week through the month of May so I get home and basically just collapse in a heap. We had a pair of geese at work with 8 eggs in their nest and then one morning we came to work and the eggs were all broken and the geese were gone. At first we blamed it on the coyote that we see quite often around the office but then we realized that the eggs were not smashed but more like they have a hole bitten in them and then were sucked on and we did have a mink that we saw at work one day over the winter. So whoever it was they got the eggs.

This morning a pair of geese showed up in the same spot with one baby. We are hoping it's the same pair and they managed to save the one egg and hide it away and hatch it. The baby is very small and brand new but so cute. They had him out eating and then took him for a swim and then when we were around the other side of the pond they led him up the berm, around the barn and out into the back. He is so cute.

Then awhile later Khush came and got me and said there is a duck with babies out there. I grabbed my camera and went out and there was a mother duck with 10 little ducklings but she was with a goose. We can't tell if it is a male or female goose but they have formed a unit and the 12 of them stick together and the goose protects the duck and the ducklings. If you get too close the goose sticks her neck out and hisses at you and puts itself between you and the ducks.

Busy busy

2006-05-03T16:23:00.000-07:00

Wow time flies on bye when you are busy. With only 4 of us at work our day is as full as can be. Then some days when I get home I'm so tired I do a couple of things, sit to watch tv and fall asleep and sleep till morning. This usually happens about once a week. So I guess I make up for it in one fell swoop. My day usually starts about 4:45am with Nemo racing around the bed so I lay there for a few minutes and then get up and get Ryan up and moving. He has to be at work at 6am so we usually leave the apartment around 5:30. By the time I get the car warmed up and moving and get him to work and get back myself it is 6am. Then I get ready myself and have been leaving by around 6:30 and am at work close to 7am. Work till 3:30 (usually) and then home. Some days we don't get out of there til almost 4 but we aim for 3:30.

I get home, feed the kitten, feed the fish, do anything around the house that needs doing, do dinner and sit to watch my soaps. If I'm lucky I last till they are done and then fall asleep many nights before 9pm. This week we are going to start being open on Saturday's at work so we'll all be working 6 days a week for awhile. We'll see how that goes. I'm hoping to bank the extra day each week so I have a full paycheque for the week I'm gone to Quebec.

Last Saturday Jude and Lynne and I went to Dart's Garden and really enjoyed that. We went to White Rock afterwards and had fish and chips for lunch and then checked out a little store that makes jewelry that we had parked right in front of. I got a chunky type of bracelet (the black and silver one) that I really liked so I came home and made a pair of earrings to go with it. Some of her other stuff inspired me so I made a bracelet and earrings (the green set) on Monday night and I'm going to make a necklace to go with it on girls night on Thursday. It's at my house this week.

Nemo is great and gets very spunky. He flies around the house now and gets into trouble in all sorts of ways! He loves the fish. He sat on the end of the couch the other night and watched them for awhile then he ran full tilt down the couch and launched himself at the glass front of the aquarium and looked so confused when he hit the glass and slid down and disappeared below the couch. He sure makes me laugh.

The other night I went to bed and left the computer on as I always do and when I woke up in the morning I shook the mouse to kill the screensaver and there were about 5 or 6 windows open on my desktop! One was asking for a disk to be inserted, another was my "run" with a long string of eeeeeeeeeeeeee's in it. He must have danced all over my keyboard! I just hope he didn't download anything.

My liver bothers me a bit and gives me a jab every so often just to remind me it's there. I am ignoring it for the time being and will go back for liver function tests when I get back from Quebec in July. I will see where I'm at then and deal with it accordingly. If all is ok I am planning on going back to the specialist in the fall and see what he has to say and I guess see about starting treatment next January.

I've seen Al a few times and gone with him to walk the dogs on the dike on weekend mornings. I really don't think we will ever get back together again and I'm not even sure I would want to at this point but after 28 years I do feel we need to make the effort and see if there is anything left at all to the marriage. Before I can move on with my life I need to know that I did everything possible.

Finding Nemo

2006-04-23T20:49:00.000-07:00

Today Lynnie and I went to the flea market still on the hunt for a kitten and also I was thinking I would like to get back into having an aquarium again. So we went and the only kitten near the gate was a beautiful Burmese kitten but the girl wanted $350 for him!! Not what I wanted to pay plus I had decided a short haired kitty would be best and I wanted to get a white one if at all possible. So we continued on and there was a super good deal on an aquarium. Looked to be probaby a 30 gallon tank with a wrought iron stand and all the supplies included gravel, 2 filters, 2 underground filters, pump, artificial plants and rocks etc all for $30 so I said I'd take it and the guy kept it there for us as we continued on.

We went all through the outside area and looked at the plants and stuff and then into the building and all through there and then noticed they had people set up outside on the other side in a pole barn and more beyond so we wandered all through there as well. As we were heading out to the gate to get the car and take it around to the other area to load up the fish tank I noticed a van with the back doors open and a cat carrier inside with a bag of dry cat food sitting on top. I stopped and bent over and peeked in and there were two kittens inside. A little orange one and a pure white one. I went and found the lady and she came back and tried to give me the orange one to hold and said this one is $4o and the other is $60. I said I am more interested in the white one, may I see it please. She hesitated and then brought him out and said well I don't really want to sell him and I said $6o because I didn't think you'd want him then. I said well I do want him so $60 is fine. She then said well I would have asked $100 for him actually but I'll let you have him for $70. I said fine after a bit of dickering because there was another lady standing right behind me waiting for her turn to see the kittens and I knew he would be gone if I didn't take him right then and there. So he is mine! He has one blue eye and one green eye and on the way home we decided to call him Nemo because he came with a fish tank lol. Well the same day as the fish tank anyway. See allow me to introduce you to Nemo the newest member of the household. Isn't he adorable!!

Before on garden spot

2006-04-22T07:14:00.000-07:00

This is a sad looking area isn't it. The building to the right is the office and the first bit of window you can see is my office area. To the left it climbs up to the pond and is beautiful but this little area has been left and is a mess. The barn we want to save as it is a heritage building and been there over a hundred years. We are trying to save the money from here and there to put a new roof on it. This is the area that we are planning on putting our work garden. My swing will come over to this area as well. We are planning on some days after work to just shut the gates and stay and garden.

I'm going to put a few pictures of my trees that I managed to cram onto my balcony. I kept my Full Moon Maple, Shojo Nomura Maple, Samurai Maple, my Grace Smokebush, 2 Rhodo's, 2 Azaleas, my new Pink Parfait Hydrangea, my climbing Hydrangea, a Pink Mallow and my Blue River II Hibiscus and my Red Heart Hibiscus. I've brought home since I've been here a Blue Gracewort, Candy Tuft, a creeping raspberry, a gorgeous heather called Kramer's Red and a Catoneaster that I'm planning on putting under my trees in the same pots. Oh yes I brough home a chive as well. I was planning on putting some annuals under the trees then thought why not just put some small shrubs that flower each year or get berries. There is just enought room to have two chairs and a table between with my water fountain that sounds so pretty running. Yes Ryan does think I'm insane but he keeps it to himself for the most part and I think he actually enjoys having the plants out there as that is where he is relegated to smoke!

The trees outside the property that I look out on, are leafing out beautifully and it is very pretty and secluded up here. The way the building is layed out you can not see any other balconies when you are out on your own so it's nice and private. In the picture above you can see the wall that separates my balcony from the balcony of the apartment next door so I guess we'll be able to hear each other but that's about it.

The living room is pretty much done except for a chair that I would like to buy to put in front of the window. The apartment gets afternoon shade and one of those windows opens right up as does the door of course so I thought a chair right there at the widow with both the window and door open on those warm summer evenings would be very nice and comfy. I haven't found what I'm looking for yet but I will.

Well I am off to meet Al this morning and take the dogs for a walk. We are trying to talk things through and spend a bit of time together and see how we feel about things. I love seeing the dogs and getting out and walking them. Good exercise for all of us. Ryan and I have tossed back and forth getting a small apartment sized dog or a kitten and we both think a kitten is more in tune to our new lifestyle than a puppy would be. We are on the 3rd floor and I really can't see myself at 2 in the morning taking a small puppy down to have a pee. A kitten that will grow up living in an apartment and not being an outside cat at all will be better for us. Our cats that we found homes for were both used to being outside and would not have adapted well in an apartment so we are on the hunt now for the perfect kitten.

Brighter days

2006-04-20T05:57:00.000-07:00

Things are looking much brighter and I'm feeling relaxed and good. I talked to Al over the weekend and we went out for a walk and some coffee. Lots was touched on but we'll see how it goes. He says I jumped to some conclusions that were not true but he never corrected my conclusions either. If nothing else we are starting to be able to be friends again.

The apartment is great! It's bright and easy to keep clean. I have it pretty much the way I want it and Ryan is happy with it as well. The only down side is his bedroom which he promises to get done this week. In the mean time I'm closing his door when I can't stand seeing it.

Work is good. Busy as we can handle and the weather is finally getting nicer and so that brings out the people wanting trees and shrubs for their gardens. Yesterday I worked outside most of the day setting up the one gallon area and cleaning out another area that we plan on putting discount plants into. Stuff that will come back but didn't overwinter very well. Khushwinder is planting around the ponds as he goes and has the time.

There is an area between the barn and office that we haven't done much with yet and Jude and I were looking at it yesterday and we are going to turn it into a garden area for us at work to garden in. Her husband Ed is going to build us some nice big raised beds and Khushwinder has fixed up the outside of the barn and put some window boxes in for us. We are going to move my porch swing into that area as well and it will be a nice little area we can use after work. We'll close the gates and sit and have a nice swing and then work on the garden. We want to put in some veggies that all of us at work like. We are all big squash eaters so we'll put a few tires on the bank and plant some squash in the tires, some carrots and maybe some broccoli and cauliflower, cukes and whatever else we feel like. All four of us and Ed if he's into it, can garden there whenever we get a minute during the day and after work as well.

Jude planted the window boxes the other night with petunias of various colours so that will look beautiful. There is a farm on the way home close to where I live now and they rent out garden plots to anyone who wants one and I've been looking at it each day and thinking I want to garden! So Jude and I talked about it yesterday and she was totally into it as well and Khush got interested immediately as well so this will work for all of us. I'll take pictures as we go. When I get home tonight or later today if I have a chance I'll take some pictures the way it is now and then as we go. I'm happy with what we got done yesterday. The guys are heading out on a job today so probably will be gone for most of the day so I can work my way along with the plan I started yesterday plus I need to get out there and get some pictures of the trees as they are getting their leaves. I noticed yesterday some of the trees are in bloom that I totally missed last year as it got so busy so quickly so I need to get out there today for sure and take those pictures.

We are going to be into the summer before we know it and I have to get together our catalog before the CanWest show in September. Lots of hours at home working on it but that's fine too as I can bank my hours for the week I'll be away in Quebec in July. I would like to get as many hours banked as possible for the coming winter for when I may need to be off here and there if I do start treatment. We'll see.

I was at Dave and Allies on the weekend and spent some good time with my baby girl and got some cute pictures of her. She sat on the table in front of me and made funny faces so I could take pictures and show them too her quickly on the screen. She'd laugh and laugh and then say Ok grandma take more. So I got quite a few of her being silly but manageed to sneak in a few good ones too. And as much as I hate getting my picture taken I let Allie get one of Christina and I together.

I'm looking forward to be able to go and pick her up on those warm evenings or weekends and head to the beach or park. That is if I can afford the gas!! Man the prices suck right now and they keep saying it's going to get worse.

Sunday

2006-04-09T17:09:00.000-07:00

It was Jude's 50th birthday on Friday so a bunch of us were going to go out for dinner. I almost canceled because it was all couples. Then it was decided to all just stay at their place and have dinner there. I went and we had a nice time. It's very weird to go places where everyone else is drinking and smoking pot and you are doing neither. I don't mind other people drinking until they get drunk then I want nothing to do with them and the pot smoking doesn't bother me at all but it's weird to see people deteriorate as the evening goes on.

Al and I had a small email exchange and he says he is alone at the house and that I can come by and see the dogs any time. He's going to give Josh my key to give back to me so I can go when he's not there if I prefer. I'm not sure if it's a good idea or not. The thought of saying good bye to them over and over is not very appealing but I am missing them alot. He says we need to talk. Finally. I have no idea where his head is at or what he's thinking but it will be much easier to decipher if I can see his face.

The apartment is pretty much all unpacked and put away now. I like it and it's comfortable. Ryan is a good roommate and is quiet and spends a lot of his time in his room on his computer or sleeping. He starts work at 6am though and that's a drag because I am the person who drives him to work in the morning. So I drive him and then come home for an hour before I have to head out. He's been getting a ride home with someone from work but that guy got fired on Friday so I'm not sure if he's just going to wait for me to come get him or what.

Work has been pretty busy with the guys out on lots of jobs. Next week is a 4 day week and then a 4 day weekend and then another 4 day week. That will be nice. The weather is getting good and it's warming up considerably. My trees on the balcony are all getting their leaves. So pretty and delicate at this time of the year. One of my azaleas is getting ready to bloom as well. Jude and Barb and I were talking on Friday night about when the best time to head to the island will be and we haven't quite decided yet. Mom and I are booked for Quebec for the week of the 8th of July to the 15th so am hoping for good weather. Steve and Ginette live on a lake now and have their own dock. Not sure if it's a good swimming lake or not. I hope it is. I've lost a fair amount of weight so I am hoping to keep that trend going so I can at least feel comfortable in a bathing suit.

My liver area has been sore and for the last several days I have pain in my back that hurts when I swallow. I'm not sure what that's all about but it's about where my liver would be just in the back instead of the front. I am still covered under Al's extended health and am filing my income tax this next week so my portion of pharmacare should go down. Then maybe I can start treatment in the Fall after we are done with CanWest this year. I know I have to do it again but now with having to work being so important it's harder to pick the right time.

The top picture is my Full Moon Maple just opening it's leaves. I love the way it looks right now. The new green and the accordian style of unfolding. The other is my Shojo Namura getting it's leaves as well. My climbing Hydrangea has flower heads on it and this will be it's first year of bloom. My azalea is opening it's flower buds as well. The Samurai is just starting to get it's leaves but I'll post pictures as they come.

Moved

2006-04-05T06:30:00.000-07:00

I'm moved and still depressed, weepy and tired to the bone and my liver area is bugging me. My dogs are gone, Al is still with another woman and all that's really changed is I don't have to go home each day and see his stuff still around here and there. I miss my dogs and even though he's done what he's done I still miss my husband and our life we had.

The girls and I went and saw Rob Thomas on Friday night and it was the highlight of the week. The man can sing. Anna Nalick opened for him and she was good too. Didn't get home till 2:30 in the morning. Concert ended at 12:30 and then the long drive home and Jude to drop off in Langley on the way.

My sister came out on Saturday after work and stayed overnight until Sunday evening and helped me get most things put away and set up.

Dismantling

2006-03-26T05:58:00.000-08:00

I watch my life dismantled day by day. Bits go here and bits stay there. Some I'm glad to see go and some tears me apart. I got the keys for the apartment on Friday night and Ryan and I took a load up. Yesterday the girls came and we moved my trees and bushs that I had in pots up to the apartment balcony. My porch swing won't fit so when we got back we took it apart and loaded it into the truck and Jude and I will use it at work. At least I'll still have it but as each bit goes in different directions it sets off another crying spree. I take myself into the bathroom and have a cry and wash my face and head back outside to pretend all is fine. I'm sure nobody is fooled but it's easier than standing there and bawling as my stuff drives away.

Knowing that Al is on the island with his girlfriend having fun while I'm standing here dealing with all of this makes it so much worse. My favorite spot in the world, the place I asked him to take me to so many times.

Apartment

2006-03-16T15:15:00.000-08:00

Found an apartment and I'm really happy with it. Adult complex. Hidden in the trees and very private. We are on the back of the 3rd floor of building C which is the one farthest away from the freeway and the view out my bay window in the living room would probably look out towards an indusrial area if you could see it through the trees. (A little morning sun and then shade the rest of the day which is perfect) It has a green space with lawn that runs around the back of the building that I look down on and then beyond that is huge big trees that even without leaves blocks out the industrial area and beyond. The lady (Esther) says when the leaves grow it is absolutely secluded and beautiful. It is layed out with the kitchen and livingroom running down the middle of the apartment and the bedrooms on either side. Mine has a walk through closet and a nice ensuite bathroom. There is a bit of storage in the laundry area and a hook up for an upright washer and dryer if I should decide to get one and it would hold a small freezer as well. There is a laundry room also on the main floor with I think 7 washers and 7 dryers so we don't need to have a washer and dryer in the suite. The rent is $765 a month and then $15 a month for underground secure parking. I have to go back today to sign the lease and give her a money order for the damage deposit and the deposit for my parking remote and parking key. Only people that are actually parking in the underground have access to it which is also nice. A dry spot to unload groceries etc on those wet cold days. The place is empty now so I may be able to start slowly moving stuff in over the next week or two. I'll try and take some pictures and post them. I can have a small animal there too if I pay another half month damage deposit. Eventually I will think about it. Right now I'm just worrying about leaving my dogs behind here.

I'm totally exhausted and stressed to the max and having a hard time keeping control of my emotions for the most part. I am constantly feeling like I want to just throw up. I am crying at the drop of a hat and even embarassed myself yesterday at the place when the lady asked why I was moving. I promptly burst into tears but she was very understanding and told me not to worry about it and she gave me a big hug which just made me cry more. I am a walking zombie today and still not able to sleep more than a few hours at a time. Tomorrow after work Jude and I are heading to Merritt for the night to take Paige home and we plan on being back by dinner time on Saturday. When I finally get moved I think I'm going to crawl into bed for the weekend and just watch movies and vegetate. My mom is starting to freak out and is trying to talk me into going to the doctor to get pills of some sort. I just keep telling her I just need to get moved and then I can relax a bit. Right now I just can't relax at all, I am either packing or pacing or working. I need to feel in control of what is happening right now. I'm back to the Serenity prayer and just trying to get through the days one day at a time by putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward.

Stupid and naive

2006-03-13T09:27:00.000-08:00

That would be me. I found an email dated Feb 17/06 (have to check his account because that is where the cable and hydro bill come in still). I have been checking the account periodically for the bills and have seen other emails there but have never looked at them or anything but this one suddenly caught my attention because it said in the title line something about requested information on Jacuzzi suite from a hotel so I clicked on it. It appears that he was requesting info on booking a room for 2 with a double sauna/jacuzzi bath in a smoking room for 2 adults for the week of March 25 to the 31/06. So I phoned him. He is still denying that there was an affair but he did admit he is now with Denise. The lady from work he was giving a ride back and forth to work. So the whole time he was in his big depression and I was telling the kids to give him the benefit of the doubt he was lying and cheating and had another woman. His new email address on the 17th of February was happyone@whateveretcetc so he's a happy guy! So two weeks before I am to begin treatment and 2 days after we went and looked at a condo he walks out and then lets me believe he is distraught and on and on and on.

Josh phoned me just after I found the email and said I just got an email from dad so I phoned him and he moved out of his suite at his friends house cause of too many rules or something and right now he is house sitting for someone but they will be back on the 21st so he wants to know if he can stay with me from the 21st to the 25th and then on the 25th he has to go away for work for a week to train some other guys. I didn't say anything. Ryan knows cause he heard me yelling at Al on the phone. I was feeling so sorry for him and how much pain he was in. How stupid I feel.

Another week over

2006-03-10T18:01:00.000-08:00

Another week is over and done and I feel like I should be able to pull myself out of the depression and sadness and anger but I just can't seem to manage it yet. My mom keeps reminding me it's only been 2 months and this takes time. Maybe when I get moved I'll feel better. The tears are still so close to the surface and start when least expected. It's embarassing. What's worse is I have no control over it. When I look at my dogs, when my friends husband calls her at work and they laugh and talk, driving in my car, standing in the shower the tears just fall. I've bit the inside of my lip raw some days trying to gain control. Maybe it would have been easier to handle if he had actually told me face to face what was going on instead of just leaving and then sending me cryptic emails assuming I knew what he meant. He's refused to actually talk to me about any of this, just says he doesn't want to fight and it is too late for counseling so in effect I get no say at all. I don't even get to comment. I wrote him an email trying to discuss some of what he had said to me in emails and now I get total coldness and "Please give my mail to Josh" So he gets to just walk away without having to hear me or deal with me at all. Maybe it wouldn't have mattered how he told me. I don't know, I just know that I should have at least been able to express how I felt about what was happening face to face with him.

Our friends Sue and Peter are in Mexico right now and will be back on Monday. They live in the Okanagan and Peter is going to drop Sue off here to spend a few days with me over spring break. She works in the school system so she gets spring break off. I'll have to go to work each day but she can either come with me or spend the day doing her own thing. Jude will have her oldest granddaughter over spring break as well so maybe both of them will be at work with us. On Friday we are leaving work a bit early and we'll drive the 4 of us up to Merritt. That is where Jude's daughters live and it is on the way to where Sue lives so Peter will pick her up in Merritt and take her the rest of the way.

Still apartment hunting. I called one that sounds good but it is within a few blocks of where I am now and I'm not sure that is a good idea if Al is going to be living here for any length of time. Tomorrow would have been my step-dad's birthday. He died a year and a half ago. I've had him on my mind all day today. Tomorrow will be a hard day for my mom. She still misses him so much.

Khushwinder made Jude and I two beautiful wooden lawn chairs for out front at work. Now all we need is some sunshine and spring weather so we can enjoy them. It snowed yesterday and overnight dropped some more. I came home early yesterday but went today. Scary slippery mess. Can't wait for spring to arrive. The sun shone for all of half an hour today but Khush and I both enjoyed it immensely.

Tigridia pavonia

2006-03-09T09:09:00.000-08:00

That is the name of that gorgeous flower I posted a picture of on July 18th. It is a native of Mexico. It's taken us this long to figure out what it is.

Aren't they sweet looking!

Still hunting

2006-03-07T20:00:00.000-08:00

ALT 96 AST 61 Bili 12 My latest blood tests. So my ALT and AST are down and my bili is up from 11. I have no idea what normal is for bili but the other counts look quite good I think.

Apartment hunting was interesting. It's been years since I've looked for a new place to live. We've been in this house since 1992. One sleazy guy looked me up and down a few times and said. "So just you and your son hey?" When we were done looking at the suite I said ok thanks and he again looked me up and down and repeated "so just you and your boy hey.......well I'll give ya a deal". And then he dropped the rent by $20 a month. Really creepy. We beat a hasty retreat out of there. Another place we went to was all renovated on the outside so I phoned the number and told the manager I was in the parking lot so he said ok meet you at the door. We went into the lobby and the first thing we see is the mailboxes have been pried open and are all buckled. I said, mailboxes were broken into? and he says oh yeah that was 7 or 8 years ago, we just never got them fixed. The elevator made the most horrible noise and I must have looked as nervous as I felt so the guys says Oh no worries we get it checked once a month and it's as safe as can be. Not a good beginning to the hunt!

We'll keep looking and I'm not going to take something just for the sake of moving by the first of the month. I have been thinking we might be better off in a basement suite. I might have a better chance of keeping Keesha in a basement suite too. I really don't want to leave the dogs behind but I don't have a hope in hell of keeping them both so if I can keep Keesha I'll just have to trust Al to take care of Kody.

Apartment hunting

2006-03-03T17:39:00.000-08:00

I saw the doctor on Tuesday. He was shocked that Al had left. So obviously Al hasn't been to see the doctor as he told me he was planning on doing. The doctor asked me what I wanted to do and was I going to go back and see the specialist in the next few weeks. I said there wasn't much point really as he has nothing to offer me except for the treatment I have already been through. I said I have to work and my doctor knows how sick I got last time and he asked me if I wanted to go on assistance and do the treatment. I said no. He said you have to work? I said yes I have to. So he sent me for all my bloodwork and said we'll monitor it closely. He couldn't give me anything to help me sleep as he says none of it is good for my liver. He doesn't even really like me to take tylenol. So that's fine. I'll monitor for the time being while I get moved and settled someplace and then I'll pick the best time to be off work for a few weeks if I need to be and we'll go from there.

Al phoned David for his birthday but Josh says he phoned him a few days ago and he never got back to him and Ryan phoned him and he didn't call Ryan back either. He's been drinking alot and made a point of telling me how much he enjoys being able to have a drink each night and not have a wife to make a comment or "change her attitude towards me" I grew up in an alcoholic home and have never really liked to be around drinkers. I quit drinking myself years ago before I found out I had Hep C. I have never told Al he couldn't or shouldn't drink. But when he does get drinking and I can start to tell I withdraw from him. The few times I've talked to him he's been polite but distant. Most emails I get a one or two word response from him. I guess this is because I asked him not to give me any more explanations as to why he felt he had to leave the way he did.

Ryan and I will be out apartment hunting tomorrow and we'll see what's out there. I want a place where I can have a kitty eventually. I would like a balcony or patio big enough to have my porch swing on and a few of my potted trees. I also want to be able to afford it myself when Ryan moves out eventually and not have to move again any time soon if I find a nice place that I like. I'm trying to stay central to where I am as well. Close to shopping, the library, doctor and bank.

I'm fighting a wicked cold right now and my voice is just about gone. My throat is killing me and I think I'm going to go and have a bubble bath and go to bed and watch Amazing Race that I taped and this weeks soaps that I also tape. I watch General Hospital and One Life to Live. Some days I watch them all and some days I fast forward through them and see if anything looks important. It's mindless entertainment and distracts me somewhat.

Corina was out to spend a few days with Josh and they phoned and invited me over for dinner and we looked at a lot of the pictures from Goa. Really looks gorgeous. She brought me a medallion and prayer card from Mother Teresa's house in Calcutta. Very nice to have even though I'm not a catholic, I was and am a fan of Mother Teresa.

My chemo buddy graduated!! He is finished treatment, in remission and gaining strength. I am so happy for him. He is just coming up for his 18th birthday and will probably be graduating this year or next. I hope he never needs the services of chemo angels again! I resigned from the program for now as I have a cousin who has recently been diagnosed with cancer so I think I'll direct my efforts sending him a card every week. Well that's it for me. I'm exhausted, it's been a long week.

Christina

2006-02-25T20:43:00.000-08:00

I had a wonderful afternoon with my girl. She is so adorable and sweet. When I got there she rushed to the door and was jumping up and down. Lots of hugs and kisses. :) We went shopping with Uncle Josh and found all the Dora clothes, socks and underware available lol. She loves Dora! New sandals and an Ariel shorts and top for summer too. She's a fun shopper. She'd put her little hand up to her cheek and say "Oh My Gosh Grandma, that is soooo adorable!" Uncle Josh found her a Dora purse to go with all her other stuff. Then off to the pool. She loves swimming but she was not impressed with the wave part of the wave pool. The buzzer would sound to warn that the waves were starting and she'd be up and running for dry land yelling "look out Grandma the tide is coming in!!" They have a separate little area with warmer water and no waves for the little ones so she wanted to go in there. We spent most of our time there. She is very outgoing and will go up to any child and say lets play!

After we'd been in the pool for awhile I happened to look out and noticed it was snowing. After we got out of the pool and dressed Dave phoned me to say it was snowing hard where they live too and they had cancelled their plans for the evening. They live about 40 minutes away so we just picked up Uncle Ryan, went through the drive thru at McDonalds and headed for her house to get her home for her birthday party tomorrow just in case it snowed all night. I got Ryan to come with me as I am a bit of a chicken driving in the snow. At least he was good company for the drive home. We got the baby home safe and sound and only stayed about 20 minutes before heading back.

Al was around this morning cleaning the garage and he came in for a minute to see if I had any garbage for the dump. I didn't have much to say to him and he left fairly quickly. He went in and saw the baby on Thursday and took her a nice new tricycle. She was happy. I'm pretty much exhausted but it made my week to see her happy little face and get those baby kisses and hugs.

Friday

2006-02-24T19:38:00.000-08:00

Thanks for the comments and encouragement. I feel like I just come here and whine these days but it's my only outlet as I try to keep on an even keel when I'm around people. My kids don't need to see me upset and with Ryan living here I try to stay as happy and upbeat as possible. As it is he is having a hard time understanding what his dad is up to and it just makes him mad at Al when he sees me upset. Same at work. I can't cry my way through the days so I save it for when I'm alone. The computer and this blog is my place to vent. It must seem to anyone that reads this that all I do is whine and cry but for the most part I am making it through the days and trying to stay as upbeat as possible. I do better when I don't hear from or see Al. Tomorrow he is going to be here but I plan on leaving fairly early to go and get the baby girl so hopefully I won't be around him all that much. Anyway, thanks for all the encouragement and I do appreciate it. :)

Finally........

2006-02-23T18:49:00.000-08:00

It's taken me a week to get over Al's last email and the things he's said. I emailed him and asked him to please not give me any more explanations. I am sure he has not set out to be cruel and he is only trying to explain to me why he is doing what he's doing but in the process he has said some very hurtful and hard to forget things. I tried to put them out of my mind but they just pop back over and over and reverberate in my head. I cried my way to work and home all week. (I love James Blunt but he is probably not who I should be listening to right now) But by today I was finally starting to be able to get past it. I will never be able to forget the stuff he's said but I can at least get on with things and try not to let them interfere.

He is coming over on Saturday to clean the garage out so I can go through the stuff of mine that's in there and then he's going to store stuff in there until I move out. I hope he doesn't plan on living here for too long when he does move in. Ryan and I want to stay in our community here and it's not that big a town. I have nightmares about running into him and a woman around town when I'm shopping or at the mall, doctor or library. I am sick about having to leave both my dogs behind and that is just one more thing I keep imagining, running into him and a woman out with my dogs. God this sucks so badly. Ok deep breaths and no more whining.

Today is Christina's 3rd birthday. I called her from work and sang her Happy Birthday and I got half way through before she started yelling Grandma Grandma I'm three years old and how come you are at your house. I said I wasn't at my house I was at work and asked her if she wanted to go out with me on Saturday. She's all excited. I think we may go shopping and then I'm going to take her to the wave pool here in town. They have a nice area for little kids and I can just sit in the water and let her play. Afterwards we are going to go out for dinner with Uncle Josh and Uncle Ryan. She loves her uncles and she will love being the centre of attention and having both uncles there.

Last night I actually managed to sleep until 5 this morning and only woke up two or three times during the night. I was starting to hate 4 am. What the hell does a person do at 4 in the morning? I hated lying there as my mind just went over things and round and round so I would get up and come to the computer. Pogo :) Good gaming site. I am up to $30 in Swap it.

I finally made a doctor's appointment with my family doctor for Tuesday after work and I'll go and get bloodwork done. Feeling kinda crappy and tired but I think that is probably to be expected. My liver is letting me know it's there.

Today's picture at the top is my son and daughter in law and my baby girl on the day she was born.

This last picture is my favorite picture of that day. The love on their faces as they look over at their brand new baby girl is beautiful and makes my heart glad.

Decisions decisions

2006-02-18T07:28:00.000-08:00

The days pass and I'm still going up and down but more up than down lately. Plans are being discussed, decisions made. Al came over last Wednesday night to unplug the kitchen sink that had been plugged for 3 weeks. Had tried everything from snakes to literally gallons of drain cleaner and on Monday I had poured 4 cans of lye down there. All that happened was the water trickled down at approximately an inch an hour. I had taken to washing the dishes in a big old pot and was getting used to it actually but then Al and I had to talk because of an insurance screw up and the upshot of the discussion was I told him that I hated this house and was trapped here because of the dogs and all the crap. He had walked away and left it all in my lap and on top of it all the damn sink was plugged so he came over and unplugged the sink and we talked a bit.

Ryan and I are going to look for an apartment for the 1st of April. I can take what I want out of the house and Al is going to move back in temporarily and he'll take care of the rest and find a place for himself and the dogs. It's kind of exciting to be getting my own place. Ryan just found another job yesterday after I got him to quit the one on the other side of the river. He was a very happy guy yesterday. We'll find a place close to where he works so he can get back and forth ok. Ryan is happy to move out of this house too. I'm going to help him buy a computer and then I'll get mine back! Right now this house has 3 bedrooms and one of them is being used as a computer room. When we get moved it will probably be a two bedroom apartment so no computer room. I would rather just move my computer into the bedroom but unless Ryan has one it would exclude him from using it so the best solution is to buy him a computer. I think that is where his first few paycheques will go and then he can start helping me with the expenses and paying off his bills which was why he moved home in the first place.

I'm going to teach him how to use a cashflow spreadsheet. I tried for years to get Al to use one to help see where stuff goes and he just got testy about it so I let it go and let him handle things. Now I'm doing things my way and I love my cashflow spreadsheet. Between it and my internet banking I know to the penny where I am each and every day. Just the way I like it. Got a credit card in my name so I can start to build a credit rating in my own name.

The girls and I are making plans for travel over the next few years with a trip to the Oregon coast planned for next summer as Jude and I have a trade show in Portland we want to go to and we'll take Lynnie along. We'll then go across to the Oregon coast and spend a few days slowing coming up the coast. Jude and I are still doing our island holiday in April or May and I'm going to Quebec with my mom for Christmas next winter. And Greece in 5 years. Jude and Ed, Lynnie, my brother Willy, Jude's friend Barb, maybe my sister Barbie and I. Safety in numbers and many combinations of people to do various things with. We plan on 3 weeks there so it will be a dream holiday.

After Al was here on Wednesday night I emailed him on Thursday morning and asked him if he was sure this was what he wanted. Before I start hunting for apartments I needed to know he was sure about his decisions and was he planning on dating etc because for me if this is what he has in mind then there is no going back. It will be done and finished and I can just move on with no doubts. He got back to me yesterday with a long email but the upshot was yes he was happy with his decisions and yes he was planning on dating. He said he will check into the legalities of a separation so nothing he does will impact on me. So that's it. We are offically done. Hard to believe 28 years can just be over with no discussion and no counselling but if that is what he is wanting then that is what will happen. He is saying now that when we first got together we had the kids to worry about and he always assumed that when the kids were grown that we would then party and have fun. I was never a partier and I always thought we were having fun but I guess for him it was not enough. He wants to drink and go to bars and I don't and can't. Really I don't get much more from him than that. I have given him every opportunity to change his mind, to seek counselling for himself or for both of us and he wants none of it. At least I know I have done everything I can and can move along with no guilt.

Still haven't made a doctor's appointment. I'm a little freaked out about it all. I know I need to seek treatment at some point but I have too much to do as far as getting moved and getting set up in an apartment. I'm going to Quebec next december and don't want to be sick. We have a slow period at work in the hot part of July and August so I may take that time to start and do the ribaviran which would make me finished with it around the beginning of October. That would give me a couple of months to start feeling better before Christmas. It will all work out eventually I know. Just gotta keep doing one day at a time and concentrating on staying as healthy as possible. I haven't forgotten what the doctor said about one year of treatment giving me three years without. Maybe in 4 or 5 years they will have something better to offer us relapsers. I can do this even on my own but the timing needs to be right for it to work.

Next week my baby girl turns three. So hard to believe. The years fly by so quickly now. I guess I will pick her up one day and we'll go shopping and grandma will buy her a new outfit for spring. We can do lunch and maybe go to the park if the weather is nice.

The sun shines

2006-02-11T17:00:00.000-08:00

The sun is shining here in BC and it makes such a difference. I came home from work last night and spent an hour and a half tidying up plants and cleaning the porch and getting my porch swing put back up. Trees are starting to bud out. Maybe too early, we could have another cold spell. I brought home a new Rhodo called Bow Belles, a beautiful pink hydrangea called Pink Parfait, a pretty pink fragrant lilac called Fairy Dust and a Winged Burning Bush. Khushwinder got the bridge finished and planted a weeping blue atlas at one end. We are going to train it to run down the one side. The garden up there is really starting to come together.

Al and I have been emailing and Ryan and I have been talking and the plan is now that we will be here in this house for six months with a plan to move into an apartment or townhouse by September 1st. Then Al may move back in here and finish up the few things I can't manage and then give our notice. I'm going to try and keep both dogs unless Al feels he can take Kody. The marriage is over. It was Al that made the move and if he had not I would have stayed in the marriage forever but now that he has made the move and I'm getting used to the idea I am realizing that we had grown apart in many ways. I'm finding that more and more I like being on my own. I can do what I want when I want. I'm lonely some days but that's to be expected.

For the first time in my life I'm on my own with nobody to answer to or be responsible for. Ryan is here but he's an adult and if I don't feel like coming home after work it's no big deal. I'm making plans to do the things I've always wanted to do. I want to travel and go camping and maybe retire someday to the Island. Al's not the bad guy and there is nobody in the wrong here. He just recognized the situation where I did not. I'm happier this week than last. I think it will just get easier from here. I know there will still be bad days but I think I've turned the corner now.

Josh got home from India today and he's looking very well and had a great time. He brought Christina home a little outfit with some braceletts, a necklace, anklet and the little dots in different colours she can wear. She tried it all on and it looked so cute. When he was in Thailand last time he brought her an outfit from there as well. After she had tried on the stuff from today she insisted on putting on her Thailand dress as well. Had to take pictures. She was so cute. This first one she is decked out in her outfit from India and was being told to do a dance so she was shaking her leg.

The second picture is her in the little outfit from Thailand. She has on her anklet.

I know I'm going to have to start treatment again but I have to wait awhile until I get settled into a new place. In the meantime I am just going to carry on and continue to take care of myself as I have been anyway. I'll make a doctor's appointment in the next week or two and go every three months and get my bloodwork done and see how I'm feeling.

Good Days, Bad Days

2006-02-08T06:25:00.000-08:00

The days go up and down. I'm good at work and when I'm busy but the rides back and forth from work are difficult. Too much time to think. Some days the other drivers must think i'm insane. I blast the music and sing to the top of my lungs but often with tears rolling down my face. The evenings suck pretty much and sleep is an elusive thing. I have learned to hate 4 AM I got an email from Al last night and while I'm sure he's hurting, it just sounds so glib and uncaring as to what I'm feeling. He's just walked away and left me with everything. A house full of furniture, two dogs that make it almost impossible to find a smaller place with, a yard with sheds full of crap and years of storage that I am going to have to go through and decide what to do with.

Josh gets home from India on Saturday. Dave will pick him up from the airport and I'll go to Dave's and bring him home from there. Thursday night is girls night and it's at Lynnies this week. Have stuff I should be doing for work at home so i'll do alot of that on the weekend and thankfully the Olympics start this weekend so that will help keeping me distracted over the next two weeks.
The picture at the top is of a Crane that showed up in the yard yesterday. This picture is of Judy, Khushwinder and Gary standing on the new bridge Khush built yesterday over the creek that he also built last summer.

In a week or two I'll go and get my counts. See what is happening.

WooHooo!!

2006-02-04T12:18:00.000-08:00

Tickets are bought and paid for!! March 31, 9:30pm at the Queen Elizabeth Theatre. Jude, Lynne and I will be there.

February 1st already!

2006-02-01T09:10:00.000-08:00

Rob Thomas is coming to the Queen Elizabeth Theatre in March and the tickets go on sale on Friday. Jude and I are going to go if we can get our tickets before they are sold out! I loved him when he was with Matchbox 20 and I really love his songs with him alone. It should be a great concert. Work is getting very busy so we'll be putting in extra hours and we've decided we need a treat in the way of Rob Thomas. :)

We had also been planning a trip for a few months and we are going ahead on that as well. Some time the end of April to the end of May. We have a nice crew cab truck here at work and Jude has a camper for it. We are going to put the camper on and on a Thursday night we'll head to Vancouver Island and to Comox to pick up our friend Barb and another girl named Lindy that I don't know yet. From there we head to Tofino where we plan on camping for a few days. We want to either fly or rent a boat (Lindy is a very experienced water person who teaches kyaking among other things) and head to a place on Clayoquot Sound called Cougar Annie's Garden. That's Cougar Annie in the picture. Click the links and you can read about it all. From there we plan on heading back to Port Alberni and catch the Lady Rose and go to Bamfield and back. We will eventually end up back at Barb's on the following Tuesday and get a late ferry home and back to work on the Wednesday.

It should be lots of fun and an opportunity to relax and take some wonderful pictures. We are also planning several day trips here and there over the spring and summer as work allows. Jude's daughters live in Merrit and the Merrit Mountain Music Fesival is held there each year so we are talking about going up over night and camping up in the mountain above the festival. Also up to Celista to see friends up there that live on the Shuswap Lake for a day or two of relaxing at the lake.

I went last week and got my hair cut and streaked. I've wanted it shorter for years but Al was always against the idea and although I could have just gone and done it I took his feelings into consideration and just never got it cut as short as I wanted it. So much grey showing these days that I decided to go with some blonde streaking as well and I love it! So much easier to care for. Everyone keeps saying "Gee, you look wonderful" and looking at me puzzled. I guess everyone thought I would be a basket case and look terrible. I am made of much stronger stuff than that and I am determined to get on with things and just do the best I can.

I've been feeling pretty good with just some liver area "awareness" and tiredness. Starting to sleep better and I am refusing to let my mind wander to places I don't want it to go. Work helps and I fill my evenings with work, the internet, tv, reading and visiting with Ryan. The weekends have been very busy so far and I'm hoping this coming weekend will be a little quieter. Still working on one day at a time and the Serenity Prayer. Hard to believe we are into February already. Sun is shining this morning for the first time in ages. It's wonderful to see it!

Another new week

2006-01-29T10:51:00.000-08:00

I had a long blog mostly done and the internet explorer crashed and I lost it all. So.........this will be much shorter and to the point.

I am doing ok. Nothing has changed much except Al has come and taken most of his stuff. He's found a basement suite in a friends house here in town and that makes me feel much better. At least he is safe and with friends and not alone and distraught as he was last week.

I've had a day or two of anger but I didn't share it with him and after talking to him on the phone on friday I realize again how much pain he is in. When we don't talk and we haven't been really as we both just cry and it is pretty disjointed and incoherent so we mostly just communicate by email, my imagination takes over and my mind goes to a lot of places I really don't want to go. When I tried to sleep I had dreams of running into him and he was with some unknown blonde woman and it just did me in. I know that at least right now that is not what is going on. There is no woman, there is no affair, there is just his depression and breakdown. He knows I love him and that I am here for him if he needs me and that is all he will let me help with. He says everytime he sees me or talks to me he just screws me up all over again. I am still after him to get to the doctor and get some help and he is still saying he can't right now. So thank god he has moved where he has and has friends upstairs he can talk to. At least I know they will keep an eye on him. He's been to see two of the boys and I'm glad he's been able to do that.

I am hyperactive and need to keep moving and busy and keep my mind occupied. I'm very tired but not sleeping properly. I fall asleep exhausted and then wake up in a few hours and lay there running things through my mind over and over. I can feel my liver but am ignoring it right now. I know stress is hurting me so I am still getting things in order and how I need them to be. I am going to work extra hours at work but will do it at home in the evenings and weekends to keep my mind occupied. It is all computer work so no physical exertion required. By keeping extensive notes during the day it helps my fuzzy mind and absent mindedness and I'm staying on top of things at work.

We have a big open house coming up in May and I need to have the webpage as finished and up to date as possible with pictures of each plant and tree. I am also keeping on top of our plant database and new spring stock coming in. We want to streamline our tagging and pricing as we don't have the manpower to be changing prices and tags on all the nursery stock twice a year as stuff grows. So we've been working on that as well. I have to get our first catalog done and ready for May as well as for our big trade show (CanWest) in September. The tree relocation business has gotten extremely busy and we have several huge jobs coming up over the next months. So work will keep me very busy and that is a good thing. Jude is not in the position to give me a raise right now but said to put in as many hours as I like over the weekends and evening and get a raise of sorts that way. I plan on doing just that.

The boys are all busy. Ryan is here with me and it is so nice to come home and not find an empty house. We have decided to stay here for probably at least another year. The yard is fenced for the dogs and yes..........I still have Kody and Keesha. I just can't give up Kody unless Al wants to take him at some point. Right now he is my constant shadow. If I am sitting at my desk he is under my feet in the desk well, if I get up and move he moves with me. Geez even into the bathroom. I have to take him in with me or he cries at the door and when I do take him in he sits in front of me with one paw on my knee till we are done and move to the next location. Keesha spends most of the day sleeping on my bed but if I get upset at all she is right there as well and the two of them crowd in and sit looking at me with great concern. So they are great company and confort. They sleep by the bed at night and at any strange noise they are immediately on alert.

Josh was leaving yesterday for India and Dave and Allie were moving into a house so we had it all arranged I would take Josh in as far as Dave and Allies new place so I could see the house and get the baby kisses and snuggles. Dave would take Josh to the airport for me and I wouldn't have that long drive late at night in the rain. His flight was at 9:45pm. Ryan came in with us and we saw the house and I love it. Very cute and clean with lots of room and a fenced back yard for the baby. It is close to the beach in White Rock so this summer I'll be able to buzz in, pick up my baby girl and we can spend time at the beach and park. I'm looking so forward to it. Dave and Josh headed out for the airport and Ryan and I headed home. Quick shower and a light dinner in front of a movie was the plan. I checked my email and there was an email from Josh at the airport and he had totally screwed up and missed his flight. He was at the airport with no cell phone or phone numbers etc. I emailed him the phone numbers and he called. He has managed to book another flight out for today at an additional $1300.00 He is furious with himself. He stayed at a friends in town and will be back at the airport today but he wanted me to email his girlfriend with the new info and flight numbers etc. I've done that and hopefully it will still all work out for him. He'll email and keep me informed.

Well so much for a short and to the point blog!! I'm still working on the one day at a time mantra and the serenity prayer and as Peter said I just have to say God grant me the serenity and it helps. I have so much support from so many directions. I wish Al had the same. Hopefully he will reach out. We are all here for him when he decides he wants us.

The picture today was taken on the 15th of December. It was early in the morning and the piece of machinery in the front is one of our tree spades.

Monday

2006-01-23T17:50:00.000-08:00

I am just not the type of person that curls up into a llittle ball and disolves in self pity. One day at a time. It's been almost 2 weeks since he left initially and the worst of the tears and poor me's are over. I am very very worried about him but I have done all that he will allow me to do and he just plain and simple does not want to be here. It doesn't matter why. He tells me he loves me and that it has absolutely nothing to do with me and anything I did or did not do. All I can really do now is take care of myself and be here for him should he decide he needs to talk. The tears are still very close to the surface but I am starting to be able to control my thoughts and emotions at work and save the tears for when I'm alone at night.

I spent the weekend informing my mom as to what is happening and trying to get myself organized and stable financially. Taken care of most of it and made some hard decisions. My youngest son is living here at the moment and he and I have discussed things and he will be staying here with me and will help out financially. Al is going to help towards maintaining things here as well. But what it does mean is I have to have my paycheque each month and cannot afford to be sick and on treatment. So today I finally phoned and cancelled the appointment. I know how badly stress affects me and that's part of the reason I felt the need to get things under control so I know exactly where I stand and what I can and cannot do. Now I have to stay on an even keel and get through the days one day at a time.

Consequently my weekend was very busy and involved a lot of driving in bad conditions. Dark and rainy nights are very hard for me as I think I have no night vision and the rain obscures things even more. I found myself all clenched up and it makes you very tired. Today I am back to work and tonight I am exhausted but I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders just by getting it all under control. Tonight I am resting and I'll get through the week. This next weekend will be one of rest. Unfortunately I am sleeping very little but I hope this will get better as the days go by. I can't say I'm not hurt and devastated by what has happened but I can deal with this. One day at a time. That's pretty much become my mantra. I say it to myself many times during the day. I can do this, one day at a time.

Carol, Sue, Peter, Miss Poppy, JJ and Hep C Boy your caring and support has helped really and truly. Thank you so much. My dad was an alcoholic and spent many years in AA. The serenity prayer I think works for many things and not just for people in AA.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference. That's what I'm asking now.

Anne

Saturday

2006-01-21T08:56:00.000-08:00

Al came this morning and it's over. He wants out. He says he still loves me but we don't want the same things anymore. i'm falling apart. I'll blog when i can.

Depression

2006-01-17T06:42:00.000-08:00

He seems to have all the symptoms of depression. We have been in touch by email daily and he sounds so sad and in so much pain it kills me to read it. The boys initially because super protective of Mom but I've talked to all of them and asked them to give him some time. He emailed the boys and they have responded and we are all just in limbo waiting now. He has contacted his human resources at work and is seeking help. He isn't ready to come home. He may not ever be. One day at a time.

I went back to work for a few hours yesterday and will go each day now. I'm still having trouble controlling my emotions but for the most part have it under control.

One day at a time

2006-01-12T19:57:00.000-08:00

Well today my life fell apart. My husband doesn't think he wants this anymore and for the time being while he figures it out, he has moved out. Right up until Tuesday I thought we had a good rock solid marriage. Maybe that proves that I haven't being paying enough attention. He is a good man and has done a wonderful job of helping me raise the boys. He put up with a year of treatment where I was so sick that for much of it I was not functioning. Maybe the burden of doing this for another year was just too much for him to contemplate right now. I just don't know.

I've decided to put off treatment for the time being as I have no idea what is going to be happening for the next little while. I cannot risk being too sick to work when I may be relying on only my paycheque. I have to take some time and figure out what happens next. If the split becomes permanent then I have to move into a smaller place that I can afford and I don't want to be trying to do that either while on treatment. One day at a time for the next while.

Drug trial

2006-01-10T07:56:00.000-08:00

I got the 16 page consent form for the drug trial for the HIV drugs and I think I am going to give it a pass. It requires me being at the hospital almost every 2nd day for 22 days (I live an hour to an hour and a half away from the hospital depending on traffic) with 5 days of overnight stays where they take blood samples every half hour for 24 hours to test how the drugs are metabolizing. Two HIV drugs on top of my Hep C drugs. Sides sound similar to the Hep C sides so one on top of the other does not sound good. I guess also they have had one death. No final decision yet but am leaning very hard towards the no side at this moment.

Jan 27

2006-01-06T10:16:00.000-08:00

January 27 is the day! I just got the call from the doctor's office and the approval is back. I wanted the appointment on a Friday so I have the weekend to recuperate. I am taking two weeks off to get started and then will head back to work and see how it goes from there.

We meet with the real estate lady (Carol Ann) tomorrow to look at a couple of condo's and anything else she may have in mind.

I haven't heard from the drug trial lady (Lilia) again so haven't received my informed consent form to read. Having second thoughts with this. We'll see what the consent form says.

Have a date with my husband tonight for dinner and a quiet evening. Sounds good after a full week.

Keesha has been to work with me 3 days this week and seems to be enjoying it. She has met Lily and Lily is no longer allowed in my desk area. Keesha guards it. I think she'll mellow out quite a bit as they get to know each other better. She is getting to know the guys and has stopped barking at them for the most part.

Wow! 3 weeks from today to get everything in order and ready for this. EEEEEKK!!

Doctor visit

2006-01-04T13:24:00.000-08:00

Well, today was the day we got the paperwork rolling. The doc said it could be fairly quickly that it all comes together. He told me there is another study happening and it won't help me at all but if I am interested in it, they will pay me $1600.00 !! I asked for details and so far what I've been told is that they are looking for people just starting treatment that they can do a bunch of blood work on before you start. For three months they do nothing, they just let you get on with treatment. At the end of three months they put you in this clinic attached to the hospital for a couple of days and give you HIV drugs to see how they metabolize. He says the drugs are very benign and that I can quit at any time. I said I'd be interested in at least finding out what it's all about.

The girl called while I was still on the way home to say she had talked to the doctor and would email me through the info and talk to me again tomorrow to discuss what it all entails. I have no problem helping as long as it doesn't make me sick or sicker than I already am. We'll see after I've read the "informed consent" I have to deal with it before I start treatment because they need to have the bloodwork done before you start treatment of any sort. I'll know more when I've read it.

I got a gift certificate for Cole's or Chapters Books and they didn't have what I wanted in my town so we took the opportunity today to stop at the big Chapters in Vancouver while we were there and I got two good scrapbooking books. This time I refuse to lie around sick. If I can't go to work then I at least want to have my scrapbooking and computer and printer all ready to go. I was thinking the other night, last time I was on treatment I started in August. In September the 11th rolled around and I was home watching it all unfold on CNN. Then we had the Winter Olympics happen and I was home for that as well. So here we are four years later and I'm back on treatment watching the Olympics again. Maybe I'll do treatment every winter Olympic year! Not!! Ok more when I've had a chance to read the informed consent form for the other drug trial.

Christmas

2005-12-27T07:27:00.000-08:00

See that happy gleefull look? He's happy cause he managed to switch his orange chocolate for Grandma's mint chocolate before Grandma got to her stocking. What can I say? Yes I raised him but at least he's happy and Grandma doesn't know the difference! He of course, hates the picture and demanded that I delete it immediately. Not!

Christmas is over for another year! We enjoyed it immensely and all got lots of cool stuff. The kids were all home, the baby was here and my brother brought Mom out for us. Al took care of cooking the turkey and putting on dinner and it was truly delicious! I got a gift certificate to Coles Books as well as a massage from the European Health Spa. The guys and I got that for Jude as well so her and I will be going together and getting a full body massage. MMMMMmmm can't wait! I also got a really nice leather purse. Al and I bought ourselves a play station 2 that we have been wanting. So I got him the steering wheel that went with the game as most of the games he likes are racing games.

We got Christina a kitchen and left if for Dave to put together. We also got her a 100 piece kichen food and grocery kit as well. David looked at it all and said we'll put it together at home and took it all out to the car. Well he phoned me this morning to see if we had looked at the instructions? I said no that was the "Daddy job". He said they were huge and there were a million pieces and at 2 in the morning he had said "Screw this!!" and went to bed. He was back at it and trying to get it together. I could hear Christina in the background bouncing up and down and yelling "Is my kitchen done yet? Is it done yet!!?" I just laughed at him. Pay back's a bitch as they say! :)

After dinner Al and I took Mom home and came home and collapsed into bed. I was a week of running around and getting all the last minute stuff done and I am truly shocked we managed to get it all accomplished. Al has an appointment today to go in and get his stereo installed in his truck. I am spending some quiet time cleaning up all the stuff everywhere and all the various kids are back to work. I don't go back until the 3rd and then I'm off to the Dr. on the 4th to get the paperwork started for the pharmacare.

We have an ad in the paper for Wednesday to try and find a home for Kody. The kitties are gone. A friend of Ryan's was moving into a new apartment and was looking for a kitty. Ryan said she could have them both and all the kitty supplies that went with them and so they went for it and took both kitties. Sirus is just a year old and neutered. Molly is under 6 months old. All their food, litter box, kitty dishes and place mat, their bed and their toys all went with them. Keesha goes to the groomer on Thursday and she is going to be very unhappy with that. It's going to be hard enough finding a place that will let us have a dog of her size without her being a mess. I got her onto the flea treatment as well. She will be coming to work with me once we get moved. In the mean time she is needed to guard the house, a job she does very well.

I'm worried about Al. When we were driving mom home on Christmas night he mentioned that his legs were feeling weird. He has a bad back and he has arteriosclerosis of the lower spine. His legs go to sleep often and he gets really bad leg, ankle and foot cramps. Anway he mentioned it was feeling weird and then last night when he got home he said he noticed his ankle was swollen. I looked and both of his legs are swollen from the knee down. Today I'm going to make him a doctor's appointment so we can see what is happening. Maybe it's his back but if it is, the only solution is back surgery and that doesn't sound good at all. We'll see what the doc has to say.

We would like to get moved before we have to deal with anything like back surgery. We were actually hoping or I was hoping that we would get moved before I started treatment again, but it just didn't work out that way. Now we are ready to move and have to find a place. Josh's building is full, and the place going in across the street won't even get started before the first 2007 and we do not want to wait that long. We are considering moving to Langley but we'll see. Josh and Ryan wouldn't be very happy with that scenario but it's what we might have to do. We'll see what the real estate lady has to say and what's she's managed to find for us. We'll see, so much up in the air still. First things first though and we are steadily heading in the right direction.

A Plan in place

2005-12-16T12:29:00.000-08:00

Just came from the doctor and he still wants to go with the plan we talked about in May. Start in January after we get the pharmacare applied for and set up. 3 months of ribavirin and interferon and then drop the riba and continue on with the interferon. Works for me. I have total trust in him and will do what he suggests. So back to him on the 4th and we'll get the paperwork in order and sent in. I guess his office does it for me or at least helps me with it. The paperwork goes back to his office and when they receive it they call and set up an appointment. I go and get the prescription and take it to the pharmacy. Leave it with them and go and get my bloodwork done and viral count. Go back and get the prescription (he is planning on same as before, prefilled glass syringe not the pen) take it back to his office and they go over it with me and then I'm on my way.

December morning

2005-12-07T21:02:00.000-08:00

Now how gorgeous is that. It was taken at 7:30 am this morning. I was heading down the last stretch of road to work and looked in my rear view mirror and the sky was this beautiful shade of orange and red. I pulled into work and basically ran into the building pulling out my camera as I went. I shouted at the guys, the sky, the sky and headed out the back door just in time to see Jude come flying in with the truck and jumping out camera in hand as we all headed for a high spot to take a picture. What a way to start the day!

It's Snowing!

2005-12-01T19:33:00.000-08:00

I feel like a little kid when it snows. I run back and forth to the window to see if it's sticking and how hard it's snowing. We hardly ever get snow that actually sticks on the ground here on the "Wet Coast" so it's a novelty. We used to get snow when I was a kid. I remember walking to school in knee deep snow (yes I know I was shorter then!). Back then girls had to wear skirts or dresses to school but on snow days we wore snow pants over our dresses. I was a tomboy so I loved being able to wear snow pants to school. Now we hardly ever get any kind of snow. I miss it.

I've been doing ok just finding myself very tired at the end of the day. Working 40 hours a week seems to be all I'm really able to accomplish these days and when I get home I just rest. Most days I'm in bed and asleep before 9 and last night it was 7:30. Yesterday though I had a wicked headache that just got worse as the day went on. By the time I got home it was making me feel ill. I laid down before dinner and then right after dinner I was in bed and asleep. I woke up off and on over the night and still had the damn headache. I was up at 5 this morning and was figuring out how I was going to get down 2 Acetaminophen when I suddenly realized what was going on.

When we went shopping last week I got a case of caffeine free diet pop to try and see if I like it in preparation of maybe not being able to have caffeine if I go back onto treatment. I have also stopped making coffee in the morning before I go to work and have hot chocolate when I get there. So yesterday I had no coffee and no caffeine in my pop and I was in caffeine withdrawal! I had made coffee and had two cups when Ryan wandered out on his way to work with me still holding the bottle of Acetaminophen and looking for something I could choke them down with. He looked at me for a sec and said, "I have candy coated tylenol" !! So he went and got them for me and I managed to get a couple of them down with some apple sauce. I am terrible taking pills and need to have food with them or as soon as they hit my mouth I start to gag and it's game over. By the time I got to work the headache was gone. I'm going to have to wean myself slowly.

Two weeks till the big doctor appointment and I'm getting nervous every time I think about it. Everything is sorta in limbo until I know what is going to happen. I'll be glad to go though and get it over and done with. Then at least I'll know what's happening.

The kids are all busy and doing well. Josh has gone into panic mode now that he and his girlfriend have broken up for the third or fourth time in four years. She wants a commitment and he wouldn't give one. Now she is heading off to India for the 3rd time for two months and will be travelling with a fellow she knows from Ireland. That was enough to really get Josh thinking and he is majorly stressed and ready to tell her he wants her to move in when she gets back. We'll see how this goes. Personally I really like her and would be very happy to see him settle down. As with all moms, all I really want or care about is that he is happy. He is 32 now and I would hate to see him old and lonely.

My chemo buddy seems to be doing well. I got my patient report and he is in week 32 of 39 weeks of treatment. I sure hope he continues to do well and beats this cancer he has. From all my caringbridge kids that I read about, rhabdomyosarcoma seems to be a particularly vicious form of cancer. It would sure be nice if they could find a better treatment for these cancers that kill so many. As in the case of Hep C, the treatment seems very harsh and for a young child it has to be so much worse.

Work is going well and I've been working on the format for our catalog and continuing work on the webpage. It is a never ending job so it's a good thing I enjoy it! It's one of those things that you sit intending to spend an hour or two and before you know it 6 or 8 hours have gone by unnoticed. With the site for work we have it spread over the site the website provider gives us, 3 of my personal webspaces and two of Khushwinders! Pictures take up a lot of space and we have a ton of pictures on the site. Some days I have open three different spaces and am trying to remember which I am trying to hyperlink to at any given time. Jude just put in a bid on a big new development in New Westminster that would be very nice to get. We're keeping our fingers crossed.

Date night

2005-11-22T05:27:00.000-08:00

Al and I had been planning our date night to go and see Harry Potter for weeks. On Friday night I came home from work and layed down for an hour so I'd be ready to go as I was up late on both Wednesday night and Thursday night. We went out for pizza and headed over across the river to the big Silver City Theatre that had it showing at 5, 7, 8, 8:30 and 10:15 We got there and there was a big sign on the door saying Harry Potter sold out all shows except the 10:15 and knowing it was a 2 hour 37 minute movie we knew we'd never make it. We had totally forgotten about pre-buying of tickets or we would have gone over earlier in the week and bought them. So we went and bought our tickets for Sunday at 5pm and went home and went to bed!

On Saturday the kids all had plans to go to one of their friends birthday party so Dave and Allie had called to see if we would watch Christina and of course we said yes! She arrived cranky after refusing to have a nap but after some dinner she perked up and played around quite happily. She is so funny and is talking constantly. She chased the cats around for quite awhile ( I always put the dogs in my bedroom and turn on the tv for them so have they something to watch while she is running around. It makes me too nervous as their mouths are at her face level and although they have never done anything to suggest they would hurt her it still makes me nervous) When bedtime came around I put Lady and the Tramp on for her and sat in same room with her. She sleeps on a loveseat in my computer room so it worked out pretty good except she just didn't go to sleep! Finally after Lady and the Tramp I put on Fantasia and at 11 she finally went to sleep and I headed off to bed.

At 4am she called me saying she was wet. So I got up and changed her and then said it's time to go back to sleep and I headed back to bed. She says No Grandma you have to sit in the chair! meaning that's where I was when she went to sleep and she wanted me to stay there while she went back to sleep so I turned on the computer and waited for her to go back to sleep. She didn't and at 5:30 we gave up and she got up so in total her and I had 5 hours sleep! She was very sweet though and kept me entertained just listening to her. When she left she said Oh Grandma! I'm going to miss you soooooo much!" I love being a grandma!

So Sunday by the time the kids left it was 1pm and I layed down for a bit of a nap before we left for Harry. Josh had seen it at the first showing on Thursday night at midnight but had missed the first 10 minutes so he wanted to see it again and he came with us. It was excellent! Well worth the wait and I love the continuity of having the same actors play the characters in all the movies. On one of the forums I am associated with it set off another big discussion about what is going to happen in book 7 and whether or not Snape is really a bad guy and did he and Dumbledore have an agreement that Snape would do whatever he had to do. We have decided that when Dumbledore said Severus please he was referring to the fact that he and Snape had an agreement that if it meant killing Dumbledore to make the deatheaters think he was one of them then he was to do it because they have to stop Valdemort at any cost. Of course the perfect ending would see Hermoine and Ron together, Harry and Ginny together, McGonigle as the new HeadMaster, Snape as the defence against the dark arts teacher and we've all pretty much decided that Draco will in the end turn out to be ok. lol we'll see.

Khush is back from India and came to see us on Friday and bring us some gifts he had brought back. It was sure good to see him. Monday morning the phones went crazy and we were busy all day. We've been pushing digging jobs off till the third week in November when Khush came back and I guess everyone took it to heart and marked it on their calendars and all phoned yesterday! Freaked us out a bit as we already have quite a bit of work lined up but we'll manage. He and Gary had the Takeuchi out in the field all day digging trees for the city that we have to get delivered Wednesday. Jude is going to look at a big job in Surrey this morning and just as I was leaving a big contractor called about a huge project they are working on in New West on a site that has dozens of beautiful old trees on it that they are interested in saving. Some may be way to big for our spades but we'll see. It would sure be nice to be able to save them.

I had to stop on the way home and Friday and take this picture. The mountain looked so pretty sitting up there in the clouds.

Lily's Jacket

2005-11-15T13:41:00.000-08:00

As promised here are some pictures of Lily in her new jacket :) Racing stripe included! She loves it!

No More Puffer!!

2005-11-14T16:12:00.000-08:00

Yay! No more puffer. I just came from the doctor's and he says I can stop the puffer but I may have more problems as my lungs are sensitive and if I feel anything like that coming on again just start with the orange one and do it for two weeks. He cleared me for my flu shot so I made an appointment for both Al and I for Thursday nights flu clinic. He said Ryan should have it as well as long as he is living here but Ryan won't go so I'm not planning on fighting with him about it. He is also smoking in the house so that doesn't help my lungs much either but it's only for a few months and I've already told him that if we move into a new place he cannot smoke in the house and he agreed. Not like he had a choice! He also gave me the paperwork for more bloodwork to get done at the end of the month, two weeks before I see Dr. Erb. So all in all things are getting better.

I had naps on Friday, Saturday and Sunday which kinda worried me a bit but I must have needed the rest or I wouldn't have fallen asleep. I'm back to work today and man it was cold this morning. We hit zero for the first time this year. I hauled out the long johns and wore them today. The office is on the chilly side anyway but Fuad put a baseboard heater under my desk for me last summer cause he knew I'd need it this winter. So between my long underwear and my desk heater I was really quite toasty warm today.

Today I was doing bookkeeping all day and I really love it. Doing the books is one of those jobs that is all black and white with no grey areas. The numbers are either right or they are wrong! I love when everything falls into place and the numbers come out just as they are supposed to.

Lynnie stopped by on the way to work this morning and dropped off a jacket for Lily. She shivers and shakes in the cold and wet so Jude was looking into getting her a coat but the darn things are very expensive and Lynnie said No Way! I'll make her one and so she did. It is adorable and rainproof, lined with a strap under the belly to hold it in place and she loves it. She was out running around and no shivering at all. I took some pictures of her so i'll add some later. Gotta run now and get some things done here.

Oh! We went and saw Mr. & Mrs. Smith at the movies last Thursday and we loved it! Lots of humour and a great shoot-em-up. She really is a beautiful girl! Harry Potter on Friday! Can't wait.

Working at home today....

2005-11-09T09:28:00.000-08:00

Jude is sick now and the guys are working offsite so I am at home today with a little black kitty bouncing around in my lap, a cup of hot chocolate and work I can concentrate on uninterupted by the phones! My world is a bright and sunny place today (even though it's raining outside!)

I'm feeling much better although still have a bad cough and am still using my puffer. The doc said I have to use it for two weeks and that's til Monday when I see him again. Then if all is ok I can stop puffer and get my flu shot. I think whatever this was went after my liver too as I had some liver symptoms with very orange urine, and much fullness and pain in the liver area but finally today that is starting to feel better as well. I still tire very easily and was in bed and asleep by 8:30 last night. But I feel better today so we are definitely on the upward swing both physically and mentally.

This is a 4 day week this week with Rememberance Day on Friday. I'm glad. Thursday (if Jude is feeling better) is our girls night and we didn't do it last week because I was sick. Lynne's birthday was the 30th of October and mine is tomorrow so Jude wants to take us to dinner and a movie for our birthdays. That sounds like a blast and I'm ready for it this week, or next for that matter if Jude is sick tomorrow. Nov 1st was Josh's birthday so on Friday, Dave and Allie and baby are coming out to Josh's where we will all get together for Josh's and my combined birthday. Ryan has volunteered to pick Mom up in Richmond and bring her out and take her home afterwards (sweet boy) and she will finally get a chance to see Josh's new home. So the week is shaping up well with lots to look forward to.

We've had a great week so far at work too. Two of the local cities parks people came out and toured the farm and put in orders for trees which we'll dig as soon as Khush gets back from India. One of the parks boards is asking us about custom growing for them and that would be great! They tell us what they are going to need in a few years and we get them planted now so they are of a size when they need them and we don't have to worry about selling them as the are pre-ordered. All good stuff. We have several big tree moves lined up as well for when Khush gets back. Again for two different cities in the area. Love working for the cities as they pay with no hassles.

Anyway, I'm back, bright eyed and bushy taled and ready to go! Better get to work now if this little kitty will let me :) Picture today is the fall colour of my Samurai Japanese Maple I have outside on the deck. It has gorgeous veined green leaves in summer and goes to this in the Fall. Love it!

A better day

2005-11-03T06:57:00.000-08:00

Well here I am 4 days later and I really am on the upward swing this time. I've been to the doctor and got 2 different types of puffer and some antibiotics. Unfortunately I started throwing up so have only managed to get down one antibiotic but finally yesterday we decided to try some gravol and it worked wonders. Maybe it will help when I'm on treatment. Anyway today is a better day. We'll go from here.

Cold and Flu Season

2005-10-30T06:34:00.000-08:00

Well cold and flu season is definitely upon us. I've been fighting a cold the last week and finally on Friday just gave in and stayed home and I've spent the last two days in bed sleeping and feeling cruddy. It has brought back alot of the bad memories of treatment when I was too sick to eat and had to fight to even sip water. It sorta scared me and I've been second guessing myself again and wondering if I can do this again. It's fine to sit here when I feel ok and say yes I can do this and yes I'll do better this time and force myself to eat and drink and then I get a cold and sink immediately to the point where I am not eating and drinking enough. It is almost like a mini test of "Can I do this again?" The one and only thing that keeps me moving forward towards treatment is the consequences if I do not. Dr. Erb's words keep echoing in my mind. "You don't want to find yourself at end stage liver disease in 10 years because you didn't get treatment now"

I am thinking about trying the full treatment again if the doc can help with the anemia either by reducing the dose of the riba or maybe with the epoetin. Today is not the day to think about it though. Today I am feeling kind of fragile as far as all this goes. I think I deal with it mostly by not dwelling on the bad parts but today the bad parts are too close and too easy to remember. I don't want to think about sticking a needle into my stomach once a week for god knows how long, I don't want to think about trying to force those damn pills down when I know what they are doing to me, I don't want to think about any of it really but reality is kicking in and being sick has just made me remember what it was like to lay there and not have the energy to force yourself out of that bed.

I'm up today and moving. Al is now getting my cold the poor guy. He has a heavy workload at work, he's doing part time work on the side and he still tries to make sure I'm not doing too much. Ok this is just getting drearier and drearier. Maybe later.

October colour

2005-10-22T07:23:00.000-07:00

Busy week! Lots of changes at work and the hardest was Stewart leaving. He made it difficult for the rest of us by some of his actions this last week so by Thursday when he was finally gone we felt like a huge weight had been lifted. Wednesday was Winai's last day as he wanted a few days with his wife and baby before starting his new job on Monday. He arrived in Canada one week and was working for us the next so he's had very little time to relax and spend time doing touristy things. We will really miss him alot. On Thursday afternoon he showed up to pick up his rain gear and boots and whatnot and he brought a huge beautiful bouquet of yellow roses with a card thanking Jude and I! Friday was Avtar's last day for a few weeks. He'll probably come back in January but could very well be back sooner. We'll see him at Christmas too. Khush is leaving for 3 weeks in India to take care of family farm business over there. So it will be Gary and Jude and I for the next 3 weeks.

I got my bloodwork results back and they aren't too bad really. My ALT is 112, AST is 70 and Bili is 11. Feeling not bad, no more pains thankfully. Basically same as always. This week seemed very long with all that was going on. Thursday night was girls night and it was at Lynnies. Sophie is getting huge! She's only 4 and a half months and she's already over 65 pounds. She's a beautiful girl, very silky and very playful. She has energized Babe, their other Great Dane and the cat too is now involved with a daily romp through the house. Lynne has a fenced dog run attached to the side of the house and all three animals can get out there and that's where the dogs do their business. For some reason the siamese cat has taken it upon himself to go out there each day and cover the piles with wood chips (the flooring they use)! Lots of work when there are two Great Danes!

Ryan is in the process of moving his stuff in and we are starting to put stuff away for winter. We are still planning on moving but think we will be here over Christmas anyway. Treatment starts in January so I want to be ready in case we are moving February or March with having everything in order and already sorted and containerized so the move wouldn't be so bad. Kody is making himself unpopular at the moment and has peed in the laundry room twice in the last week. I know what his problem is but seriously he is not in my good books right now. I informed him the other morning that the only thing standing between me and a brand new condo with all the extra's was him! Because we have two dogs like we do we know a condo is not the place for the dogs to be. One we could manage but two just won't work. So he better smarten up quickly!

Keesha on the other hand is doing very well and she's aging gracefully. She's a sweet old girl and would do fine in a condo. She'd sleep all day while we were at work and then be quite happy to spend the evening with us. The only problem would be if she heard noises in the hallway she might bark. Have to see. Still we are torn about a house or maybe a mobile on an owned lot. Lots of building going on in our area. Al is considering a job change as well. So we'll see where it all takes us. I get momentary panic attacks when I think about all that's going to be going on both at home and at work and me on treatment! I have to keep reminding myself to take it a day at a time and stay positive. Gotta be in good shape mentally and physically to kick viral butt!!

The top Maple is called is called Atumn Flame and the colour is outstanding! The other is an Oak and they get a very nice colour too. Sophie and Kody and Keesha make up the rest. :)

The appointment is made.

2005-10-13T22:23:00.000-07:00

Things are starting to fall into place. We've had two days of hashing it out at work and Jude is going to lay most of us off between now and December with a call back date of March 1. This works perfectly for me. We may work a few days in there between but that is fine as well. I phoned today to make my appointment with the doc at VGH for the middle of December so I can get my prescription and be ready to go in January. The deed is done, no backing out now!

I also phoned and made a doctor appointment with my family doctor to get my LFT done as they haven't been done in a few months and I'd like to see where they sit. A couple of days this week I've had a really bad throbbing pain in my right side just at the bottom of my rib cage that lasts for a minute or so and then goes away. But it was a stabbing pain you can't ignore. Not sure what the heck it was but it made me nervous. Of course anything that happens on the right side around my ribcage I immediately think must be liver related when it could be anything I guess. Not sure what else is in the general vicinity that could cause that kind of pain. It hurt so much I pushed in on it to try and make it stop which it mostly did but when I let go it came right back in a rebound type of pain. Anyway gone now, hasn't happened today so hopefully whatever it was has gone away. I've got a cold too with a nice barky type cough that is just generally irritating and a headache I'm assuming came with the cold.

The last couple of days have been really stressful at work with trying to decide how layoffs were going to work. Stewart is leaving and probably won't be back. Khush will start stepping into Stew's job. Winai is gone as of next Friday and has another job to go to. He has a young wife and a baby and is a good worker. He's been offered a job to train as an electrician and as much as we hate to see him go, it is an opportunity he cannot afford to pass up and we wouldn't want him to. With the Olympics coming here in 2010, construction is booming and they are crying for tradesmen. He'll learn a trade and when he's ready and goes back to Thailand he'll have something to take back with him. So he had already told us he was going. Avtar will go at the same time. Stew will stay til the end of October and then he is gone and that will leave just Jude, Khushwinder, Gary and I. I'll get layed off when we close for two weeks at Christmas and that will serve as my 2 week waiting period and it will also get me started on treatment. I can work at home for the first little while til we see how I do and what treatment I am doing or whatever. It is just very hard to see people you have become close to and care about move on to other things. We will miss them terribly. Avtar will come back in the Spring when we need him and we will continue on.

I've had a bad week with my sister too. A long horrid story that I am just not going to go into but it is very hard to be her friend right now and she really needs me to be. She is lying to everyone and asking me to pretend she is with me when she is not. She wants me to lie to both my Mom and my husband so they won't know what she's doing. I finally told her this morning that I will not lie to Al for her and please stop involving me. Now I'm pretty sure she is mad at me and I am not going to hear from her. I'm not trying to judge her and what she does in her life is her business but when she tries to drag me into it, well I just am not going to allow it. I have enough stresses of my own to deal with and just can't do this for her. She is looking very stressed and fragile to me as well. I am worried about her but I cannot help her at this point. I have been telling her she needs to go and talk to someone, get some help from a counsellor.

She came to see me at work yesterday and got me all involved in this without asking me and then with this whole layoff thing and my cold with my pounding headache, by the time I got home from work I was in a foul mood. As my poor husband came to meet me at the car and help me bring my stuff in I bit his head off and yelled at him because I could not reach him on the phone when I wanted to. I've spent the last two days apologizing for being such a bitch. After I explained it all to him and told him the whole story concerning my sister and my mother and what is going on he just looked at me and shook his head and said my whole f**king family was insane. Thankfully he understood and accepted my apologies for being so bitchy. He was probably afraid not to by that point.

The new kitty is now called Molly. Don't ask me how cause I'm just not sure but she is definitely Molly now. She and Sirus have been chasing each other all over the house and having lots of fun. Kody trails along behind and barks and occasionally gets his nose swatted but it is keeping him entertained as well. The kitten has had no accidents and has no interest in going outside at the moment. I guess she got her fill of the great outdoors while making her way to and hiding in the barn. She is quite happy to stay in when Sirus goes out. She sits at the sliding glass door and watches him from there and then goes off and sleeps someplace til he comes in again. I'm tired and am very glad this week is coming to an end. Tonight was girls night and it was at Jude's. I just got home at 9:30 and morning comes early.